- Pre-Season Week 1 HERE – Here We Fucking Go Again
- Pre-Season Week 2 HERE – Corona-Draft Prep
- Fantasy Draft HERE – Nobody Beats The Wiz!
- Week 1 HERE – Crisis Averted!
- Week 2 HERE – Everything That Could Go Wrong
- Week 3 HERE – Some Nobody Did, In Fact, Beat The Wiz!
- Week 4 HERE – Literally Everyone Beats The Fucking Wiz
- Week 5 HERE – Signs Of Life!
- Week 6 HERE – And Tua All A Good Night
- Week 7 HERE – Tua Be Or Not Tua Be, That Is The Question
- Week 8 HERE – Tua Thine Own Self Be True
- Week 9 HERE – Tua The Window, Tua The Wall!!!
- Week 10 HERE – Tua Infinity & Beyond!
- Week 11 HERE – Tua Err Is Human
- Week 12 HERE – Although We’ve Come Tua The End Of The Road
Well, I lucked out winning the previous four weeks, because if I’d bungled any one of them I’d be relegated to the Consolation Bracket. Instead, with my 7-6 record, I managed to sneak into the playoffs as the sixth and final seed. I really had no shot against Sausage Shaped Pest, who annihilated me 193 to 136.45.
He got almost 40 out of Derek Carr and 45 points from Carr’s tight end Darren Waller, with another 27.3 from Justin Jefferson (remember when I had him on my team oh-so-briefly, earlier this season?); those three guys alone practically did enough to beat me! As for my team, I’m still getting great effort out of Kirk Cousins (28.45), and my kicker finally had a huge game (17). But, my sweet, simple Tua only got me 21.1, and I took a full-on goose-egg from CEH (who I had to throw into my second running back spot, because Josh Jacobs was injured).
In Nobody Beats The Wiz Bench News, Carson Wentz has finally been replaced at quarterback by the Philadelphia Eagles, in favor of Jalen Hurts. So, he’s now useless to me. I’m down to Cousins and Tua, but I probably have to hang onto Ryan Fitzpatrick just in case Tua has to sit again. What a nightmare! Wentz has SO MUCH guaranteed money left on his contract; I don’t know what the Eagles are going to do.
So, here’s how the playoff seeding works: the top two teams (Sloane N Steady and The Lance Petemans) get a BYE this upcoming week. Then, the 3-seed plays the 6-seed, while the 4-seed plays the 5-seed. The top two teams ended up with 9-4 records; third place is 8-5, and the rest are 7-6 (including me, who has the fewest points scored among all the playoff teams).
Everyone in the “Wild Card” round was trying to scramble to not play Space Forcin’. Somehow, through my sheer incompetence, I managed to do just that! As the 6-seed, I play Colinoscopy Time, while Crazy N8’s Prostates (who leapfrogged me this past week) has the ill-fortune to get Space Forcin’. The winner of my game plays 2-seed The Lance Petemans; the winner of the other game goes up against 1-seed Sloane N Steady.
Last week I promised you a rundown of all my season finishes dating back to 2003, when we started running a Yahoo! league. I’ll list them out really quickly here, noting for the record that 2010 was the first year we had the trophy (as you’ll see, my only championships were in years BEFORE the trophy, which has been a constant source of misery for me):
- 2019 – Space Pirates!: 8th Place
- 2018 – King Flippy Nips: 4th Place
- 2017 – Mr. Poopy Butthole: 4th Place
- 2016 – Shittin’ Clits: 8th Place
- 2015 – Catalina Wine Mixer: 6th Place
- 2014 – Honky Hoedown: 4th Place
- 2013 – Wanna Kiss Dicks?: 5th Place
- 2012 – Leaky Submarine: 10th Place
- 2011 – The Jake Sucks: 7th Place
- 2010 – Macho Headgames: 2nd Place
- 2009 – Hot Beef Injection: 1st Place
- 2008 – The Vers Stopper: 3rd Place
- 2007 – Washington: 6th Place
- 2006 – Goodnight Honeytits: 8th Place
- 2005 – Titty-Fuck Jake’sMom: 7th Place
- 2004 – Ray Finkle: 1st Place
- 2003 – Must Win Out: 5th Place
A few notes: for starters, there’s a 20-character limit on team names, so keep that in mind when you see some creative spellings/line spacings. Also, after the first few years, the league had to institute a rule – due to my shenanigans – where the name you choose at the beginning of the year is the name you’re stuck with; I would often change my team’s name from week-to-week depending on if I was losing or not. I’ll never top Hot Beef Injection as a team OR a team name (though, I have a fondness for Wanna Kiss Dicks?, as I feel that made everyone REALLY uncomfortable to ever have to say or read on their screens).
I should also point out that 2014 was the first year we expanded the playoffs from four to six teams (a rule that I recommended at the start of the year, I might add, thanks to Wanna Kiss Dicks?’ heartbreaking finish on the outside-looking-in). Honky Hoedown went into the playoffs as the #1 seed; we were a JUGGERNAUT! The sixth place team, on the other hand, barely limped into the playoffs, yet he got hot at the right time and won three games in a row. Had the playoffs been limited to just the four teams (oh yes, I went back and did the math), my name would’ve been on that trophy for that season. Instead, it continues to be my white whale …
All right, so let’s get into the playoff week. Unless Colinoscopy Time totally falls on his face, breaks his nose, and simultaneously shits his pants while suffering a brain aneurysm, I’m going to lose this week. Losing this week means I’ll be playing for 5th place next week (and, as such, the right to draft 5th overall in next year’s draft; the highest I can possibly draft since I made the playoffs). It’s actually a curse to be the worst team to make the playoffs, so I don’t know why the fantasy football gods decided to put this on me. I mean, obviously they hate me! That much is clear. But why? And what can I do to atone for my sins?
Anyway, here’s my shitty roster with my even-shittier matchups:
- Kirk Cousins (QB) @ TB
- Tua Tagovailoa (QB) vs. KC
- A.J. Brown (WR) @ JAX
- DeVante Parker (WR) vs. KC
- Ezekiel Elliott (RB) @ CIN
- Josh Jacobs (RB) vs. IND
- Dallas Goedert (TE) vs. NO
- Deebo Samuel (WR) vs. WAS
- Harrison Butker (K) @ MIA
- L.A. Rams (DEF) vs. NE
And here’s the list of guys who are going to murder me:
- Deshaun Watson (QB) @ CHI
- Ben Roethlisberger (QB) @ BUF
- D.K. Metcalf (WR) vs. NYJ
- Stefon Diggs (WR) vs. PIT
- Derrick Henry (RB) @ JAX
- Ronald Jones (RB) vs. MIN
- Robert Tonyan (TE) @ DET
- Jamison Crowder (WR) @ SEA
- Zane Gonzalez (K) @ NYG
- Tennessee (DEF) @ JAX
He’s also got James White and D’Andre Swift at running back, Marquise Brown as an alternative at his FLEX spot, and Cam Newton at quarterback if he wanted to get cute with his matchups (going against my defense). I don’t know if I love a lot of his matchups either, but his players are SO MUCH better. Derrick Henry alone will surely score 30+, and don’t even get me started on D.K. Metcalf!
Well, it’s been an improbable run so far, but we finally made it. The playoffs are everything you imagine them to be. It’s exciting, because you never know who will get hot at the right time. It’s also a huge source of dread, because I know it won’t be me.
I guess there’s always my other league, where I’ve been on a 3-game losing streak, yet somehow still hold onto the #2 spot in the standings. I’ll still make it into the playoffs, but it doesn’t feel good to limp in, I’ll tell you that much!