The Mariners Mind-Bogglingly Fucking Blow Their Postseason Chances To The Royals

What a predictable fucking clusterfuck. How did we not see this coming from fifty fucking miles away?

If you didn’t anticipate the Mariners dropping 3 of 4 to the lowly Royals – at home, in the middle of a wild card chase – before the first game of the series, it became clear from the very first inning. The Royals trotted out some dud by the name of Brad Keller – who has a name like a villain in an old 80’s ski movie, but who looks like that villain’s pool cleaner – and he IMMEDIATELY started shitting all over himself. Leadoff walk, fielder’s choice, Seager double (which required an amazingly perfect throw by the short stop to cut down Haniger at the plate), walk, infield single, RBI walk. That’s the first six batters of the game, yet somehow we were down to our final out of the inning with the bases loaded; of course, Kelenic struck out looking.

WE SHOULD HAVE KNOCKED KELLER OUT OF THE GAME RIGHT THERE! It should’ve been 5-0 before the second inning, and we only had a 1-0 lead. Yusei Kikuchi was dealing through five innings before completely falling apart in the sixth. We were finally able to knock Keller out of the game in the fifth, but that was after a Kyle Seager solo homer, and only because he came up with a tricep injury. The Mariners had all of a 2-0 lead at that point (increased to 4-0 on a Fraley homer in the fifth against the reliever who came in), and of course it was gagged away in the sixth, when Kikuchi started getting pounded, and Joe Smith – tasked with cleaning up the mess – gave up an immediate grand slam to Salvador Perez. That made it 5-4 Royals (it would be extended to 6-4 in the seventh inning), and the Mariners had absolutely no fight left against the rest of the Royals’ bullpen.

The series went to shit from there. Logan Gilbert is fading HARD; he gave up 5 runs in 4 innings and can’t seem to be counted upon to keep us in games anymore. We were able to put up 5 runs of our own in the first two innings, but failed to add on until the game hit extras and we added a couple of unearned ghost runs to our score. But, we lost 8-7 in the 12th inning after totally depleting our bullpen.

Then, for good measure, we wasted a quality Tyler Anderson start on Saturday, who went 7 innings, giving up 3 runs, because the offense couldn’t do jack shit. That was a 4-2 defeat.

Only on Sunday – thanks to a rejuvenated Marco Gonzales (who went 7 innings, giving up 2 runs) – did we managed to salvage one game, getting a 4-3 win (almost blowing THAT in the process, because Salvy Perez is an unstoppable killing machine).

You want to know the story of this series?

  • Game 1 – 2/8 with RISP
  • Game 2 – 5/17 with RISP
  • Game 3 – 1/7 with RISP
  • Game 4 – 1/4 with RISP

This series should’ve been a fucking laughingstock, with the Mariners easily winning all four. Instead, it was a laughingstock of inept hitting, which I know sounds ridiculous to complain about – because the Mariners have been abnormally on fire all season when it comes to clutch hitting – but when your hitters are so bad under regular, non-clutch circumstances, this is the kind of outcome you’re going to come across eventually. It’s called Regression To The Mean, and I know we all know what that … means. This shit is inevitable when a team is that unsustainably hot at a certain flukey aspect of the game.

The Mariners have dropped to 70-61, 7.5 games out of the division lead, and what’s worse: 4.5 games behind the Red Sox for the second wild card spot (2 games behind Oakland, for what that’s worth). It’s an unforgivable sin the Mariners just exposed us to over the long weekend. And for our reward: three games against the Astros, a team we are 5-8 against on the season, and have traditionally struggled against since they joined the A.L. West. I would also argue – if memory serves – that a number of those victories earlier this season came when they had a bunch of players on the IL for actual injuries or COVID issues; the Astros have since returned to mostly full-strength.

The next three days are going to suck, is what I’m getting at. To salvage this homestand, the Mariners will need to do the impossible: they’ll need to sweep the Astros in a 3-game series. That’s literally never going to happen, in any alternate universe, nor in this one we’re in now. The best we can hope for is just a regular ol’ series win, but even that seems totally unlikely.

We were always expecting a Mariners swoon this season; there was one relatively early on, but otherwise the M’s have continued to pleasantly surprise us. I think Cinderella’s coach is turning back into a pumpkin as we speak, though. It’s a shame. In spite of the frustrations of this abysmal Royals series, this has been a fun team to watch and root for. I’m not ready for the good times to end.

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