Nobody Wants To Hear About My Fantasy Team 2022: Screwed By The Pats

I don’t even know what to say. I had him! I had The Lance Petemans in my sights. I had a lead heading into Monday night, I had Mac Jones in my lineup. He had a Patriots receiver who ended up with just over 11 points, and a kicker who got all of 2 points. I just needed a normal fucking game and I would’ve had my second victory in a row. Instead, I got a crap quarter out of Mac Jones before he got benched, netting me negative points out of my second quarterback spot. And I lost 117.74 to 108.85, in a pathetic display by both teams.

It didn’t help that D.K. Metcalf got injured after 1 catch for 12 yards. But, really, other than that quarterback spot, my moves were sound! I got over 28 out of Walker, I got over 17 out of Zeke, I got 10+ out of Brian Robinson and CeeDee Lamb. I even picked up a defense – the Steelers, who got me 3 points at the last minute, when they were my only option left on the free agent scrap heap Sunday afternoon – by dropping the very disappointing Romeo Doubs.

But, who could’ve expected Justin Fields would end up with over 25 points?! On the road, on Monday night, in New England, who is supposed to have this great defense! What in the actual fuck?!

Well, maybe I should’ve seen this coming. Outside of Bears fans, no one is following Fields closer than me; this is his third 20+ point game in a row. If he does it against Dallas next week, I think I’ll have to start him the rest of the way; that defense is ACTUALLY great, and will be the test of all tests for Fields’ fantasy viability.

This week, I’m going up against You Dropped Your Dildo, who won last week in spite of starting Carson Wentz (who was on the IR) and a tight end on BYE, even though he had Dak Prescott on his bench, and could have picked up a tight end simply by putting Wentz in the IR slot on his roster. Something tells me he’s going to look at his lineup THIS week, in time to fill his other QB spot, as well as put Jonathan Taylor back into his lineup for Austin Ekeler (who is on BYE, thank Christ).

Here’s my projected lineup:

  • Davis Mills (QB) vs. Ten
  • QB Patriots (QB) @ NYJ
  • CeeDee Lamb (WR) vs. Chi
  • Gabe Davis (WR) vs. GB
  • Ezekiel Elliott (RB) vs. Chi
  • Kenneth Walker (RB) vs. NYG
  • T.J. Hockenson (TE) vs. Mia
  • Brian Robinson (RB) @ Ind
  • Evan McPherson (K) @ Cle
  • Philadelphia (DEF) vs. Pit

I can’t, in good conscience, start Fields against the Cowboys. He’s going to get picked off like 4 times and their offense will generate all of 3 points. If he manages to get over 20 points again, then I’ll happily eat crow and start him the rest of the way.

D.K. gets to sit on my bench for a while, until he’s healthy again. Pollard is actually projected to outscore Zeke, and for once I think I’m going to buy it. Zeke looks a little banged up this week, and even though he’s still projected to start, I’m not taking any chances when it comes to someone playing hurt. If there’s a healthy option – who’s also more talented and overall better – then I’m going to choose the healthy option.

I picked up the Philly defense, which leaps to the top of my team as far as points-scoring is concerned. Do you know how bad your team has to be for your defense to be the highest scoring entity? Just think about that. I like how a top 5 fantasy defense is going to languish on the very worst team in our league. Anytime I can stick it to the rest of the league, I’m all for it!

I tried to pick up Sam Ehlinger, but he was apparently a priority waiver add for someone else. He’s probably going to stink, but I hate it when I miss out on a potential quarterback solution. No one needs a QB more than me! I should have first crack at all of these losers! So, now I have to root against this guy, while dreading what he might become.

Here’s who I Dropped My Dildo has going this week (I swear he only came up with that name so I’d have to type it out on this blog):

  • Lamar Jackson (QB) @ TB
  • Dak Prescott (QB) vs. Chi
  • Jaylen Waddle (WR) @ Det
  • Ja’Marr Chase (WR) vs. Cle
  • Jonathan Taylor (RB) vs. Was
  • Darrell Henderson (RB) vs. SF
  • Tyler Higbee (TE) vs. SF
  • Terry McLaurin (WR) @ Ind
  • Brett Maher (K) vs. Chi
  • Denver (DEF) @ Jax

You want to see another blowout of epic proportions? Come and watch our matchup this week! I am, of course, projecting who he’s going to start, since he still hasn’t updated anything. But, that’s a massacre. Even if he doesn’t update his roster, I’m probably fucked!

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