Nobody Wants To Hear About My Fantasy Team 2022: Screwed By My Own Incompetence

My team is not good, and it was on full display this weekend as I lost to You Dropped Your Dildo 170.60 to 132.20. If I could go back in time and cherry pick my perfect roster, I would have prevailed, but that’s the thing about points on your bench, isn’t it? You’re supposed to take solace in the fact that your logic might’ve been sound for the decisions you made, but you still take the L, don’t you?

So, I guess I have to play Justin Fields every week now. That’s four weeks in a row of 20 or more points, which isn’t much in any fantasy football scoring system, but it’s especially unimpressive in our 2-QB league. Yet, I’d kill for a quarterback who averages 20+ points per game, given the fucking paltry numbers I’ve gotten this season. How many of these last four weeks have I had Fields in my lineup? Two. Two of the four. Incidentally, the first two of the four. The last two of the four – the most two recent games – he’s managed 25 and 31 points, against the Patriots and Cowboys. Those are serious defenses! That means this is something close to legit.

Of course, now that he’s locked into my starting lineup regardless of opponent, watch him fucking shit his fucking pants. God fucking dammit I fucking hate fantasy fucking football.

Anyway, that was a bummer. Fields’ 31 points on my bench, while Davis Mills got me a whopping 10 and Mac Jones got me 13. For some reason, even though Mac Jones has sucked like no one has ever sucked before – he has yet to score over 15 fantasy points this season – I thought it was a good idea to play him over Fields, who is clearly starting to find his fantasy footing. I’m an idiot.

I did get to enjoy Tony Pollard, the Philly defense, and CeeDee Lamb’s consistent awesomeness, but they weren’t nearly enough. I ran into a buzzsaw. I’m slowly getting closer to having the most points scored against me, right now I’m 8 behind the leader.

I’m in a bit of a sticky spot this week, as the Cowboys are on a BYE, which means my best receiver is down, as well as two of my running backs. So, I’ve gotta find a way to mop up with the dudes on my roster. Have a looksee:

  • Justin Fields (QB) vs. Mia
  • Mac Jones (QB) vs. Ind
  • Gabe Davis (WR) @ NYJ
  • Romeo Doubs (WR) @ Det
  • Kenneth Walker (RB) @ Ari
  • Brian Robinson (RB) vs. Min
  • T.J. Hockenson (TE) @ Was
  • D.K. Metcalf (WR) @ Ari
  • Evan McPherson (K) vs. Car
  • Philadelphia (DEF) @ Hou

I’m SOOOOO ready to write off Mac Jones, as I think he’s a garbage piece of shit football player. But, he has a considerably better matchup over Davis Mills, who is going up against the Eagles. In the end, it might not matter, as Mac Jones will probably turn it over three times, but what can you do?

I nabbed Doubs last week before Sunday’s games started, when I was finally allowed to put Zeke Elliott into my IR slot. I’m keeping Zeke in my IR slot through the BYE week, because fuck the world. Anyway, Doubs had a nice bounce-back last week (getting 16 points for my bench) after three straight games of less than 10 points. I would hope – if he has any future in this league whatsoever – that he’ll feast against the Lions’ secondary.

Also, big ups on D.K. Metcalf for playing last week, after what seemed like a serious knee injury. I don’t know if he’s going to make it the whole year on that leg, but if he could replicate the 17 points he got for my bench last week, I’d be happy.

T.J. Hockenson was traded to the Vikings this week, which seems like a boost for him long-term, but will probably mean he’s hardly involved at all in the game this week. I’m expecting a 0 from my tight end spot, so anything above that will be gravy.

I don’t know how playable Brian Robinson is going to be for me this year, outside of an injury replacement or BYE weeks. His O-Line is a steaming turd, and they refuse to throw him the ball.

This week, I face Korky Butchek, who has to be bummed he only gets to play me once this year. Here’s who he’s got:

  • Joe Burrow (QB) vs. Car
  • Trevor Lawrence (QB) vs. LV
  • A.J. Brown (WR) @ Hou
  • Tyler Boyd (WR) vs. Car
  • David Montgomery (RB) vs. Mia
  • D’Andre Swift (RB) vs. GB
  • TBD (TE) vs. TBD
  • D.J. Moore (WR) @ Cin
  • Daniel Carlson (K) @ Jax
  • Indianapolis (DEF) @ NE

Every time I go up against D.J. Moore, he gets a shit-ton of points. Indeed, it seems like whenever I go up against ANY #1 Carolina receiver through the years, I get burned. It’s annoying.