Nobody Wants To Hear About My Fantasy Team 2023: I Lost The Stupidest Game Possible

How annoyed was I that I left Justin Fields on my bench last week (or, the last TWO weeks, for that matter)? Pretty fucking annoyed! Considering I lost 141.3 to 125.9, I definitely could’ve used his 43.8 points. Nevertheless, heading into Monday night’s showdown between the Packers and the meh Raiders, all I needed was 16 points and change from Jordan Love and I would’ve prevailed. That was LESS than his projected points. I just needed AH game from him.

Instead, I got 3 of the dumbest interceptions I’ve ever fucking seen, and he finished with less than 1 point. I don’t even know what he was trying to do with those picks; I’m too blinded with rage to actually remember all of them, but the first one seemed like he was intentionally throwing to the Raiders defender, and I think the other two were thrown into 12-on-1 coverage.

It doesn’t help that I’ve been holding Love hostage from the Packers fan in our league, who has been trying since before the draft to trade me Geno Smith for him. The way I see it, Love has longer-term upside, and if he’s adamant about aligning his fantasy team with his favored NFL team, he’s going to have to pay a premium. That’s all there is to it.

To be fair, this is only Love’s first truly awful game. He’s surpassed his projected points three times by a pretty decent margin, and met his projected points once; that’s not someone I’m looking to just give away. But, I’ve noticed some distressing trends through five weeks. First and foremost: whatever decision I make about Fields (sit vs. start), I’m GOING to get it wrong. I’ve played him in his three very worst weeks, and I’ve sat him when he’s finally resembled the late-season breakout from last year. But, that’s neither here nor there. Regarding Love, he’s a tricky fantasy play. The Packers have a good defense, and seem to be content with slowing down their offense and keeping these games relatively low scoring. It was evident from the jump on Monday night that they were bound and determined to establish their run game, even though Aaron Jones was out. Love has a high of 259 in passing yards, and a high in completions of only 23. It tells me he’s not super accurate (his receivers also looked like they left points on the table with drops), and that he’s touchdown-dependent.

Since I have no intention of keeping Cousins beyond this season, though, so far Love is locked into one of my two quarterback keeper spots heading into the 2024 season. But, a lot can obviously change between now and then.

We had our first decent Bryce Young week (22.75, after a high of only 17.05 prior to that). Fields, as I mentioned, has back-to-back 37+ points scoring weeks, so he’s locked into my lineup for the foreseeable future.

Christian Watson looked better last week – after playing in limited duty in week 4, coming back from injury – though he dropped a tough deep ball in tight coverage that could’ve made everyone’s lives better. The Packers are heading into a BYE week this week, but I won’t be afraid of throwing him into my lineup on an as-needed basis.

The loss drops me to 2-3, and in fifth place in the standings. Still a long way to go, and thankfully the top 6 make the playoffs, so I’m not pushing the panic button quite yet.

This week, I go up against The Lance Petemans, who is 4-1 and in second place overall. He has the most points scored in the league, so this is a frightening proposition. My lineup:

  • Kirk Cousins (QB) @ Chi
  • Justin Fields (QB) vs. Min
  • CeeDee Lamb (WR) @ LAC
  • Jordan Addison (WR) @ Chi
  • Tony Pollard (RB) @ LAC
  • Kyren Williams (RB) vs. Ari
  • T.J. Hockenson (TE) @ Chi
  • Kenneth Walker (RB) @ Cin
  • Evan McPherson (K) vs. Sea
  • N.Y. Jets (DEF) vs. Phi

As I mentioned above, both my Packers are on BYE. Terry McLaurin is never going to be a confident play for me, and might be the next guy I waive, if I have to waive someone for any reason. Mattison is out based on a roster crunch (I have too many healthy RBs at the moment … which shouldn’t be a problem for much longer, now that I’ve jinxed myself). And Bryce Young has an interesting matchup at Miami; I wonder if he’ll get some good garbage-time points this week.

You know what I never particularly look forward to? When the majority of my players are involved in the same game. Both quarterbacks are going head-to-head in this one, which means – for me to win this week – I need the Vikings/Bears game to be high-scoring. Thankfully, neither defense is much to write home about. We’ll see what the Vikings look like with Justin Jefferson on IR. Will Addison ascend to be a true #1? Will Hockenson pick up some of the slack? Or, will Cousins suffer as a result? I kind of dread the answers to these questions.

The Cowboys have a juicy Monday night matchup against the Chargers. I am perennially unlucky when I’m tasked with a Monday night comeback, though, so my only hope seems to be taking a huge Sunday lead and not needing Monday’s points at all. Indeed, all my players seem to have good matchups this week – save the Jets defense, who has to tangle with the Eagles – so with that confidence firmly in place, watch my team royally shit the bed.

Here’s who The Lance Petemans will toss in front of me:

  • Jared Goff (QB) @ TB
  • Matthew Stafford (QB) vs. Ari
  • Tyreek Hill (WR) vs. Car
  • Keenan Allen (WR) vs. Dal
  • Raheem Mostert (RB) vs. Car
  • David Montgomery (RB) @ TB
  • Cole Kmet (TE) vs. Min
  • Adam Thielen (WR) @ Mia
  • Jake Moody (K) @ Cle
  • Dallas (DEF) @ LAC

It’s the week I always dread, when I’m reminded of the dumbest fantasy trade I ever made. Back in Tom Brady’s last year with the Pats, I needed a quarterback, and so I traded Tyreek Hill for him (there may or may not have been other players involved, who I’ve since forgotten about). Brady was cooked, and did nothing for my playoff chances; meanwhile Hill has turned into the most dynamic and important fantasy receiver in the history of football. The gift that keeps on giving. I’ve been in a perpetual rebuild ever since.

Allen is a target hog. Mostert’s value just skyrocketed thanks to the injury to Achane. Montgomery has been taking the lion’s (!) share of snaps and goalline carries. This is just a rock-solid team from top to bottom, with Dallas being the envy of just about everyone. I fully expect them to bounce back in a big way after being embarrassed by the 49ers.

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