Nobody Wants To Hear About My Fantasy Team 2023: I Never Had A Chance

Sometimes you go up against the guy who scores the most points in the league. Shit happens. 181.15-142.25.

Sometimes, it just so happens to coincide with your two quarterbacks combining for 16.05 points, in a game where they’re going up against one another (Minnesota @ Chicago) and it was projected to be something of a shootout. To be fair, Cousins and Fields would’ve needed phenomenal games for me to pull this one out. But, to finish with such shitty numbers is really demoralizing for someone who’s spent the better part of half a decade trying to fix his quarterback problem.

I got good-enough points everywhere else to give myself a chance. Everyone except my kicker hit double digits; everyone got close to their projection, or beat them by a pretty good margin (good on the Jets’ defense, Kyren Williams, and Kenneth Walker). But, how can I compete when guys like Tyreek Hill, Raheem Mostert, Jared Goff, and Adam Thielen are absolutely going OFF?

The good news is: enough people around me also lost, and I scored a good number of points to give myself a fighting chance with the standings. I’m still in fifth place (the best of the five 2-4 teams), but I have the third-most points in the league.

The bad news is: Week 7 is upon us. It’s my BYE-armageddon.

No Tony Pollard, no CeeDee Lamb, no Bryce Young, no Evan McPherson, no Jets’ defense. And, thanks to injuries, no Fields or Williams. I’m in BAD shape. I’m going to have to (hopefully temporarily) drop my kicker; thankfully, I can use an IR spot finally, so I won’t have to lose my precious Jets.

There’s six teams on BYE this week. Unfortunately, my opponent isn’t NEARLY as throttled as I am. He loses Nico Collins and Chuba Hubbard; I have to imagine one of those guys was destined to be benched anyway since he’s likely getting Aaron Jones back this week. Also, his team name is Car Talk With Josh Allen, so you can guess who one of his quarterbacks is.

I have penciled this game in as a loss since the draft (which has made losing the last two games all the more agonizing). Here’s my M.A.S.H. unit:

  • Kirk Cousins (QB) vs. SF
  • Jordan Love (QB) @ Den
  • Christian Watson (WR) @ Den
  • Jordan Addison (WR) vs. SF
  • Kenneth Walker (RB) vs. Ari
  • Alexander Mattison (RB) vs. SF
  • T.J. Hockenson (TE) vs. SF
  • Terry McLaurin (WR) @ NYG
  • Brandon McManus (K) @ NO
  • Green Bay (DEF) @ Den

The last thing I wanted to do was load up on Vikings this week, especially with the 49ers coming off of a loss. My intended lineup was to include both Fields and Love for the first time this year, to give my team some semblance of the look it might have in 2024 and potentially beyond. Instead, I have four Vikings in my lineup. Mattison will surely be stuffed all day, Addison and Hockenson will likely cede receptions to whoever’s left on that team that I don’t currently own, and Cousins should be good for 3-4 picks.

On the plus side, give me all your Packers against that Broncos defense; this will hopefully be a rebound day for Love and Watson. Walker has been very steady for me this season, and McLaurin has been up and down.

I had my pick of some pretty good defensive options once Wednesday rolled around and all the waiver claims had gone through. The only defense claimed on waivers was the Rams. The top projected defense this week in free agency was Las Vegas, at Chicago. Believe me, I was tempted! I’m probably going to look back on this decision and really regret what I did. But, I dunno. The Raiders on the road? They’re boom or bust on defense; they’ve boomed the last two weeks, but that was at home. I could see the Bears actually doing something without Fields out there constantly giving the ball to the other team. There was also Washington at the Giants; for as bad as the Giants’ offense is, though, I think the Commanders are worse on defense. If I wanted a home team, I could’ve nabbed Indy who’s hosting Cleveland. But, I opted to go with the Anti-Denver strategy. Green Bay, in general, has put up good points every week; they’re far more reliable in my mind. There’s been no negative weeks (in spite of playing the Lions), there’s three double-digit points weeks, including a couple up around 20. Denver’s offense is always a trainwreck ready to happen, so I’ll take my chances here. Even though I kinda sorta feel bad for Russell Wilson, I still get a giddy little thrill when he stinks up the joint.

Not a ton of great options for kicker. Jason Myers got snapped up in a waiver claim early Wednesday morning. Of available free agent kickers, the Raiders’ guy was projected highest, but I don’t trust them to move the ball well without Jimmy G. I dunno, it’s a lot of the usual suspects; I’m sure I got it wrong. I usually like a kicker who’s on a good offense (we’ll see, but Jacksonville seems okay), going up against a good defense (so they’re not just scoring TDs at will). I feel like the Jags should move the ball on New Orleans, but maybe stall out in the red zone. It’s indoors, which I love. My biggest concern is that it’s a Thursday night game, so watch the Jags get shut out or something.

I guess the one thing I have going for me is the fact that my bench is unavailable to me, so I don’t REALLY have to make any decisions (other than the aforementioned rentals I picked up at kicker and defense).

But, I’m really banking on my opponent having an uncharacteristically bad week. Considering he’s 5-1 on the season, he hasn’t had too many of those. Here’s his lineup:

  • Josh Allen (QB) @ NE
  • Brock Purdy (QB) @ Min
  • D.K. Metcalf (WR) vs. Ari
  • DeVonta Smith (WR) vs. Mia
  • Brian Robinson (RB) @ NYG
  • Aaron Jones (RB) @ Den
  • Travis Kelce (TE) vs. LAC
  • Amari Cooper (WR) @ Ind
  • Tyler Bass (K) @ NE
  • New Orleans (DEF) vs. Jax

If it all wasn’t bad enough for me, he’s got the best QB, the best TE, a loaded receiver room, and Jones will probably steal all the points I get out of Love and then some. He’s also got Cleveland’s defense against Indy, if he wants to shuffle two amazing options at that spot.

I’ll be particularly focused on the D.K. Metcalf Revenge Game. He was on my team last year, and I ended up keeping Watson over him. So, I only have myself to blame when D.K. scores two TDs and thoroughly embarrasses me.

The silver lining of this past weekend is that I won my other two matchups pretty handily. I’m going to need them to continue that trend if I want to enjoy this weekend at all, from a fantasy perspective.

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