Nobody Wants To Hear About My Fantasy Team 2023: If A Tree Falls In The Woods …

My season ended with a 147.85 to 143.05 victory over You Dropped Your Dildo in the 5 vs. 6 game of the fantasy playoffs. Sounds exciting, right? It’s less thrilling when you realize my opponent couldn’t have given two shits about this game. My hunch is, with the holidays and general fantasy apathy following a first round playoff exit, he didn’t check his team at all. As such, Ja’Marr Chase was left in his starting lineup, even though he was ruled out pretty early in the week. He could’ve easily subbed in Jonathan Taylor from his bench (moving his flex WR into the starting WR spot) for an additional 10.3 points.

So, I was essentially gifted this victory. Feels pretty hollow, but I’ll take it. As my prize, I get to draft 5th instead of 6th next year.

I’m kind of having a tough time grappling with my 147.85 points. Seems low when you consider I actually got good games out of both of my QBs (30.15 for Love, 26.2 for Fields). If I got that every week from those two guys next year, I’d take it in a heartbeat! I even got good games out of my two consistently-great skill guys in Lamb and Kyren Williams (25.2 and 16.4, respectively). But, the Jets only got me 12, Rashee Rice only got me 11.7, and everyone else – including my bench – got under 10. On the one hand, it’s nice to know my decision-making didn’t kill me once again; on the other hand, it sucks knowing that my team totally shit the bed, and if it weren’t for a guy taking the rest of the season off early, I would be drafting one spot worse.

I’ll also take solace in the fact that I would’ve lost this week anyway (had I won last week and advanced in the playoffs), as three of the top four remaining teams outscored me (and the fourth team wouldn’t have played me this week anyway, since he was another wild card team like me). So, blowing it last week was actually a good thing! I wouldn’t have advanced to the finals anyway, so this bought me a couple of extra spots in the draft.

Look, I’m just trying to cling to whatever silver lining I can find.

I should point out, for reference, that I dropped Bryce Young late last week. I was resolute in my decision to not keep him for next year, and as such, I decided holding onto Ty Chandler – in case the Vikings make him their everyday starter next year – was a little slice of upside, giving me yet another option for a potential dynasty RB. Who knows? Maybe this offseason he tears it up in the weight room and dominates the pre-season? It’s always good to have options.

So, of course, what happened this weekend? Bryce Young had the very best game of his professional career! He’ll be a stud in 2024, mark my words.

It’s not all doom and gloom, though. In one of my other leagues, I advanced to the Consolation Bracket Finals, and I hear this league is giving the winner of the Consolation Bracket the first overall draft pick next year. We’ll see, it’s my brother’s friend’s league, so I’m only half-conscious about the actual rules and regulations.

The real good news comes with my Splinter League. Last year, my team Puppy Monkey Baby defeated Vinegar Strokes for the league championship. This year? My team The Annexation Of Puerto Rico is going up against his wife, 50 Shades Of Gritty for the league championship.

I’ve had pretty great teams in this league the last two years. A LOT of luck goes into that, but for whatever reason, I’ve just been locked in during the draft. Neither season has seen me making too many roster changes. Why can’t I transfer this way of fantasy football ownership to my main league?

Anyway, here is my lineup for the championship:

  • Josh Allen (QB) vs. NE
  • Dak Prescott (QB) vs. Det
  • Amon-Ra St. Brown (WR) @ Dal
  • Puka Nacua (WR) @ NYG
  • Rachaad White (RB) vs. NO
  • Bijan Robinson (RB) @ Chi
  • Brandon Aiyuk (FLEX) @ Was
  • Jake Ferguson (FLEX) vs. Det
  • Kansas City (DEF) vs. Cin

It’s really the perfect league: no mandatory tight ends, no kickers, two flex spots, and five bench spots. On my bench, I have Tyler Allgeier (I’ve had both ATL running backs from the jump, which has been a nice little bit of peace of mind, as I so rarely get to enjoy such a pure handcuff situation), Ty Chandler (who didn’t look great last week, and may be looking at more of a timeshare situation with Mattison this weekend), Tee Higgins (who I am reluctant to start against my defense, especially since what are the odds he has three great weeks in a row after such an up-and-down season), Philly’s defense, and Matthew Stafford (who is playing some elite ball of late, but I’m not allowed to play three quarterbacks, and there’s no way I’m benching Josh Allen or Dak Prescott in the fantasy finals).

When I say I’ve been lucky this year, I’m mostly looking at the quarterbacks. I had the #2 overall draft pick in this league; Patrick Mahomes went #1, affording me the “consolation prize” of Allen (in this league, QB points are so high, it generally means that most top tier quarterbacks are gone by the first or second rounds). It’s a big shift from my drafting strategy LAST year, when I was picking near the bottom of the round, and waited until later in the draft to address my QB spots. I banked hard on a couple of bounce-back guys in Dak and Stafford, and both have come through like gangbusters.

I’ve also pretty much only rostered the three running backs I have all year (there was a spell where I had Kareem Hunt, when Atlanta was on BYE). White has been a revelation for me, but he wasn’t so great early in the season. For a few weeks there, I opted to roll with both Falcons RBs and just hoped they’d combine for something close to 20 points.

In this league, you live and die by your WR production. With two flex spots, if you’re not loading up on RBs, then you potentially need up to 4 WRs doing the most damage. I lucked into grabbing Nacua after week 1, but that was counter-balanced by Tee Higgins being largely hurt or underachieving. St. Brown and Aiyuk have been my rocks, but I’ll tell ya, I would be WAY more confident if I still had Tank Dell. Losing him has thrown my second flex spot into flux. I like Ferguson as a steady 10-point threat, and honestly I’m hoping that’s enough. High floor, low ceiling, can’t lose!

50 Shades of Gritty has lingered near the top of the league all year. This is a 4-team playoff, and all four of us were 10-5. I scored the most points, which gave me the 1-seed, and the easy 200.17 to 126.65 victory over my brother, Beer Thirty. I would’ve outscored both teams in the other playoff game, but it would’ve been much closer. Here is Gritty’s team:

  • Geno Smith (QB) vs. Pit
  • Derek Carr (QB) @ NO
  • CeeDee Lamb (WR) vs. Det
  • D.J. Moore (WR) vs. Atl
  • Jahmyr Gibbs (RB) @ Dal
  • D’Andre Swift (RB) vs. Ari
  • James Conner (FLEX) @ Phi
  • Michael Pittman Jr. (FLEX) vs. LV
  • Baltimore (DEF) vs. Mia

She’s got Godwin, JSN, and Addison on her bench, as well as Brian Robinson (up against the 49ers defense) and Tennessee’s defense (@ Hou). I don’t see how anyone could bench the Ravens’ defense given the way they’re playing, but Miami is always formidable.

Lamb scares me, of course. He’s been a true #1 receiver all year, and I have Dak as my quarterback, so they’re likely to match in points. I always refer to this as the wide receiver “taking” my quarterback’s points, since QBs are supposed to outscore all position players. My only hope is Ferguson getting all of Dak’s TD passes.

I don’t love her quarterbacks, but all of her running backs look amazing, and Pittman is an under-the-radar stud. I am very much going to have my hands full in this one.

Nobody Wants To Hear About My Fantasy Team 2023: And Just Like That, He’s Gone

There’s the Glass Half Full reason why I lost in the first round of the playoffs, or the Glass Half Empty That Makes Me Want To Put The Barrel Of A Fucking Gun In My Mouth reason why I lost in the first round of the playoffs. The first reason allows me to pass the buck and curse the football gods; the second reason is all on my own fucking stupidity.

Glass Half Full: the Cowboys fucking stunk up the joint against the Bills on Sunday. They managed all of one offensive TD, and luckily it did go to CeeDee Lamb. But, regardless, this was not the scoring festival we were all expecting. Lamb and Pollard combined for 26.3 points, both underperforming expectations. One extra reception for 12 yards by either of them – or, really, anyone on my roster – would’ve bridged the gap (which ended up being 142.45 to 140.30).

There’s also a Mickey Mouse addendum to the Glass Half Full rationale. I got a very timely TD reception by Rashee Rice this week, who predictably has come on over the last month. The only problem? It was a shovel pass initiated by my opponent’s running back – who took a direct shotgun snap from the center, even though Patrick Mahomes was RIGHT THERE next to him – Jerick McKinnon, who got credit for the TD pass. Unfuckingbelievable; you can’t make this up.

The Glass Half Empty Reason Why I Want to Die is because, as always, I tinkered when I didn’t need to. I had Ty Chandler locked and loaded into my flex. It was a savvy move to pick him up in the first place, and indeed he crushed it to the tune of 24.7 points this week. The only problem is: I had not-enough confidence in his abilities or the Vikings’ offense’s abilities. When I heard the Commanders were down to one healthy running back – Antonio Gibson – and projected them to be in a shootout of sorts with the Rams, I figured – at the very least – Gibson would be in line for a ton of checkdown receptions, and maybe even scamper one of them into the endzone. Instead, he finished with 8.5 points. The fact that McKinnon was available at all – and I could’ve picked HIM up instead – only adds to my frustration, as he finished with 18.2. Shit man, I could’ve gone with any of my bench guys and won! Addison had 29.1, Walker had 20.2, and McBride also had 20.2; but who saw THAT coming?!

What can you do? Justin Fields finished with 9.3 points. That game ended with an intercepted Hail Mary that was very nearly caught for a miracle touchdown. If the ball falls harmlessly incomplete, I win. If the ball is caught by the Bear who bobbled it, I win walking away. Instead, mine is a fantasy life made for suffering.

Also the Jets’ defense – a unit I’ve touted all season – got me a whopping 3 points. Get a single pick. Limit the Dolphins to a field goal instead of a TD one time, and I win. Conversely, he had the Ravens’ defense. If the Jags could’ve scored seven more fucking points, I would’ve won.

When a game is that close, there are any number of things you can point to. But, in the end, my team stunk up the joint.

So, here I am, saddled with the 5 vs. 6 game. It’s outside of the Consolation Bracket – so I don’t even get the reward of a top overall draft pick – and then my season is over, a week before everyone else. The best I can hope for is winning this one, and “earning” the 5th draft pick next year; worse case scenario is I get the 6th pick.

This leaves me with nothing else but to consider my keepers for next year. One cool thing is that I have the #1 waiver priority. I haven’t made an approved waiver claim all year, when I started with the #2 priority. The only claim I tried to make was for Will Levis, but the #1 priority guy got him.

If I’m going to use it, I have to use it this week. We’re not allowed to make any claims after our season ends, and since this upcoming week is my final week, it’s now or never. And since I was the one who waived Ty Chandler, I can’t pick him up until he passes through and becomes a free agent. That’s too bad, because he could be an interesting one for next season, especially if the Vikings are looking to move on from Mattison.

The only other guy even remotely interesting from a dynasty perspective is Drake London. So, I made my first approved waiver claim on him, dropping Gibson. I’ll tell ya, the odds of me keeping London are incredibly low. I’m fairly committed to keeping three running backs, as long as they’re good, because it’s always so much more difficult to find great RBs. That means I can only keep two receivers, and one of them is already locked into being CeeDee Lamb (barring a devastating offseason injury). Among my options for the other WR spot are Tank Dell, Jordan Addison, Rashee Rice, and now Drake London.

Of the four, only London is a true #1 type of receiver, but unfortunately he might be in the very worst offensive set-up. He’s only keeper-worthy if the Falcons fire their coaching staff and go out and get an amazing quarterback a la Kirk Cousins or something. If they go out and sign Cousins, I’d keep London in a heartbeat! Otherwise, I’ll be looking elsewhere.

Addison might be the most talented of the remaining three, but the Vikings are a huge question mark at the QB position, so it probably won’t be him. Tank Dell is coming off of an injury, but it shouldn’t prevent him from returning by the start of the regular season; he’s in a great offensive scheme, with a terrific QB. Rice is likely to finish the season as the best formal wide receiver on the team with the best living quarterback. He also has a smaller sample size of being great, and seems like more of a possession receiver than a true #1. I think it’ll depend on the moves the Chiefs make this offseason; I’ll be curious to see where they end up going in the draft.

It’s good to have lots of options, though. I’ve got multiple players at every position except defense and kicker that I’d be happy to keep for next year. So, I can sit back, see how things shake out, and still end up with a playoff-calibre team next year. Whether or not it’s a championship team will depend on a number of factors, chief among them LUCK.

And not repeatedly making stupid decisions in the most important moments of the season.

In my final game of the season, I face You Dropped Your Dildo, who had a heartbreaking loss of his own last week, losing by 0.15, with Dak and Ekeler having truly abysmal games. Here’s my lineup:

  • Jordan Love (QB) @ Car
  • Justin Fields (QB) vs. Ari
  • CeeDee Lamb (WR) @ Mia
  • Rashee Rice (WR) vs. LV
  • Tony Pollard (RB) @ Mia
  • Kyren Williams (RB) vs. NO
  • T.J. Hockenson (TE) vs. Det
  • Trey McBride (TE) @ Chi
  • Dustin Hopkins (K) @ Hou
  • N.Y. Jets (DEF) vs. Was

Walker on the road against a tough Tennessee run defense is a no go for me. Addison having back-to-back great weeks with a third string quarterback seems iffy. London, as I mentioned, is unplayable on this particular Falcons team. I don’t love throwing a second tight end in my lineup, nor do I love him going up against a Bears defense that’s coming on. But, McBride is a baller, to the point that I’m seriously considering keeping him over Hockenson next year.

My opponent has these guys going:

  • Dak Prescott (QB) @ Mia
  • Lamar Jackson (QB) @ SF
  • Mike Evans (WR) vs. Jax
  • Jaylen Waddle (WR) vs. Dal
  • Austin Ekeler (RB) vs. Buf
  • Joe Mixon (RB) @ Pit
  • David Njoku (TE) @ Hou
  • Garrett Wilson (WR) vs. Was
  • Jake Elliott (K) vs. NYG
  • Pittsburgh (DEF) vs. Cin

This is a great team, weakened by Ja’Marr Chase likely being sidelined this weekend. Nevertheless, this team is better than mine, so I fully expect to have the 6th draft pick when all is said and done next year.

Nobody Wants To Hear About My Fantasy Team 2023: The Cousins Curse Continues

I lost 188.35 to 180.62 to You Dropped Your Dildo. Bryce Young scored 11.05 against the Bears of all teams. You’re telling me I couldn’t have gotten a measly 19 points from Cousins in a game where Josh Dobbs put up 29.8 on the Saints?

Not for nothing, but Jordan Love threw two late interceptions in Green Bay’s loss to the Steelers. Interceptions in our league are -4 points. That’s the difference. That’s technically DOUBLE the difference, because my opponent had the Steelers’ defense, and they get +4 points for INTs! One fewer interception by fucking Love would’ve won me the game!

I hate my fantasy life.

It’s especially galling because there were so many teams I would’ve easily beaten this week with 180. Only two would’ve gotten the better of me, so OF COURSE I have to be playing one of them. That’s just the way it works for me.

CeeDee Lamb had another monster game of almost 40 points. Hockenson had 30+, Walker and Tank Dell had nearly 20 apiece, the Jets got me a respectable 15 (but, alas, couldn’t hold it down against a pretty inept Raiders team), and even my kicker got me 13. I’m solid! At every spot but quarterback. Broken record, playing on repeat, until the end of time.

This week, I’ve got a date with Beasts, who is 9-1 and in first place. I have fallen to 4-6 and am now in seventh place, one spot outside of the playoffs. It’s getting real dark! I can’t believe I’m going to be playing in the Consolation Bracket once again!

Here’s my lineup:

  • Justin Fields (QB) @ Det
  • Jordan Love (QB) vs. LAC
  • CeeDee Lamb (WR) @ Car
  • Terry McLaurin (WR) vs. NYG
  • Kenneth Walker (RB) @ LAR
  • Tony Pollard (RB) @ Car
  • T.J. Hockenson (TE) @ Den
  • Tank Dell (WR) vs. Ari
  • Dustin Hopkins (K) vs. Pit
  • N.Y. Jets (DEF) @ Buf

God bless Tank Dell! I knew last week would be my last chance to pick him up, and he really looks like a stud! Alexander Mattison was a last-minute benching last week, which is a rare moment of prescience for me. He sucks! His team knows it, which is the worst part. Granted, they were going up against the Saints’ defense – generally stout against the run – which is what scared me off in the first place. But, seeing his carries fall to the next man up, and seeing the other moves the team is making to bolster their RB room, it seems unlikely Mattison will ever be That Guy for me. He’s Just A Guy instead, which is someone I can ill-afford to start unless in an emergency.

As such, he’s essentially useless to me, so I ended up dropping him and picking up Trey McBride as a free agent. I don’t have an immediate need for a tight end, however Hockenson does have a BYE coming up in Week 13. Frankly, it’s silly that McBride was still out there to be had by anyone; are there 9 better fantasy tight ends in the league right now? I don’t think so. This is his second year in the league, and he’s already taken over for Zach Ertz (thanks to injury, but he’s also better than Ertz, so there’s that). After starting off as the team’s #2 TE and doing very little the first five weeks, he’s really come on, scoring over 20 in two of the last three weeks. The sky seems to be the limit for him. In an ideal world, I would trade one of my tight ends for a more competent starter (especially at QB), but the trade deadline is this week and I just don’t think there will be time. Really, it might be prudent just to hang onto him, since it seems like Hockenson is a little banged up and is on the injury report every week. You never know when he might go over the edge, or have to otherwise sit out a week. And, you know, if I can hang onto McBride through the end of the season, it gives me an option as far as keepers go heading into next year. That’s one less quality keeper for someone else.

When Kyren returns, I’ll have a legitimate decision to make on Tony Pollard. He ALSO stinks! I can’t explain how invisible he’s been this year, but it’s starting to become absurd. The Cowboys are doing pretty well on offense – and going up against some pretty miserable defenses – but Pollard is nowhere to be found! I don’t like it. I don’t like it one bit.

Addison and Dell are the two flexes for me, going forward, depending on who the Commanders are playing. I’ll sit Scary Terry against an elite defense, but otherwise he’s pretty reliable. I just have my doubts about Dobbs as a passer of the football to NFL wide receivers. I’d like to see Addison really blow up one time before I start him again. Also, not for nothing, but Justin Jefferson is coming back soon, and will surely command the lion’s share of the targets again (targets that figure to diminish due to Dobbs’ ineffectiveness as a passer).

Fields returns this week; it’s not a moment too soon. If Young can’t get it going against the crappy Bears, what hope does he have ever? This week, Young is at Dallas, and there’s no way in hell I can start him there; he’s a negative points day waiting to happen! Aidan O’Connell followed up a mediocre start against the Giants with an even more mediocre start against the Jets. Not totally surprising there, but he’s also not giving me a whole helluva lot of confidence. As such, with Deshaun Watson being lost for the year, and Dorian Thompson-Robinson being named his replacement, I decided to cut O’Connell and pick up DTR.

O’Connell has, like, zero upside. He doesn’t run, he doesn’t throw deep, he’s helming an offense that’s run first, run second, run infinity. He’s like a dumpier version of Mac Jones (and now that I say that, watch him turn into the next Tom Brady). At least DTR theoretically has some wheels. If nothing else, he’s more of an unknown than O’Connell, since he has one fewer start. On the plus side, Will Levis has had back-to-back not-good games, so I don’t have to be totally devastated anymore.

I actually like Love’s matchup against the Chargers; if he can’t blow up this week, I don’t know what to tell you. I like Scary Terry against the Giants, I like the Cowboys against the Panthers, I like Hockenson against the Broncos. Give me all the Dell against Arizona, and all the Hopkins against the Steelers’ defense. I’m a little unsure about Walker against the Rams, but that’s no slight against him, rather an acknowledgment of the weird mastery the Rams have over the Seahawks.

Here’s who Beasts has going:

  • Justin Herbert (QB) @ GB
  • Russell Wilson (QB) vs. Min
  • Cooper Kupp (WR) vs. Sea
  • Tyler Lockett (WR) vs. LAR
  • Derrick Henry (RB) @ Jax
  • Josh Jacobs (RB) @ Mia
  • Mark Andrews (TE) vs. Cin
  • Christian McCaffrey (RB) vs. TB
  • Jason Myers (K) @ LAR
  • Detroit (DEF) vs. Chi

Look at all the studs! He’s also got Calvin Ridley if he wants to swap out Lockett. Hard to love Russ the Fantasy Quarterback anymore, but he has been better this season. Also Minnesota’s defense is no great shakes. Herbert is a points monster, and always blows up when he plays against me. Kupp is a stud, Henry and Jacobs are both studs, and CMC is like a god at this point. He’s even got Andrews, probably the best fantasy TE in the game, if that all wasn’t bad enough! To boot, he gets the Lions’ defense to rub it in my face when Fields either sucks or doesn’t end up playing. I’m going to get massacred.

Nobody Wants To Hear About My Fantasy Team 2023: I Lost A Game I Should Have Won

Consider Week 9 my first game I lost because I lost Cousins.

This was a pillow fight any way you slice it. 137.65 to 113.15. To be fair, no one had a super strong week; scoring was down leaguewide in week 9. It happens. But, I was the worst of the lot. 25 more points would’ve gotten me the win. Let’s explore.

For starters, I had Bryce Young in there, pick-sixing his way to 6.75 points. Josh Dobbs – Minnesota’s backup by virtue of just joining the team last week – entered the game early and scored over 30 points. That’s the difference, right there. If we can assume Cousins would’ve scored around 30, it’s a slam dunk case.

But, I would invite you to join me further down my roster. I started Josh Downs. He was banged up heading into the week, but he still seemed like a safer bet than Addison (remember, Jaren Hall was the starter, and presumably would’ve struggled the entire game had he stayed healthy). If Cousins was in there, Addison would’ve also been in there. As it was, Addison scored 10.2 points for my bench; Downs scored 2 points for my roster. If we project those 10.2 points across the board, all Cousins would’ve needed to do was get me less than 25. Seems VERY reasonable.

I’m chalking it up to the loss of Cousins. It didn’t help that Walker did fuck-all, or Pollard continued driving his own personal shit train, or Jordan Love continues to be a total bum. Now, I’m 4-5 and just barely clinging to 6th place. I’m still at least a week away from Justin Fields returning, I’m like two weeks from Kyren Williams coming back, and Bryce Young is looking like the bust of the century.

In roster shake-up news, I dropped Downs for Tank Dell. For starters, how do you not like the name Tank?! I get it, this screams of recency bias. Dell just had a 30-point game; Downs hasn’t been great the last two weeks. But, looking long-term, it seems like Houston really has something in C.J. Stroud (I’ll never forgive myself for totally dismissing him in the draft, taking Young over him, much the same way the Panthers did). I think Stroud and Dell are going to develop an amazing rapport the next few years. If we’re thinking possible keepers, it might boil down to Addison or Dell. Downs is nice too, but knowing Anthony Richardson will be back next year, I find it hard to believe he’s ever going to be an amazing passer. He might be the second coming of Lamar Jackson – which is very high praise – but when has Lamar ever broken big with a wide receiver? Never. I can see Downs being frustrated a lot in future years; meanwhile, Stroud should be bombing it up and down the field for the next decade, and Dell could very well be the primary beneficiary. Either way, this was my last opportunity to pick up Dell before he’s rostered for good. And, I have a gut feeling that Minshew is going to turn back into a pumpkin the more he plays. I could see the Colts really falling apart as the season concludes.

All that being said, spoiler alert, Tank Dell is on my bench this week. Here’s my team:

  • Bryce Young (QB) @ Chi
  • Jordan Love (QB) @ Pit
  • CeeDee Lamb (WR) vs. NYG
  • Terry McLaurin (WR) @ Sea
  • Kenneth Walker (RB) vs. Was
  • Tony Pollard (RB) vs. NYG
  • T.J. Hockenson (TE) vs. NO
  • Alexander Mattison (RB) vs. NO
  • Dustin Hopkins (K) @ Bal
  • N.Y. Jets (DEF) @ LV

I actually don’t hate starting Young this week. Why should I be afraid of the Bears’ defense? I very much DO hate starting Love this week, because I think he’s going to be sacked 9,000 times and throw a couple picks. But, I have no choice, because Fields is out, and Aidan O’Connell is going up against the Jets (where he will be destroyed). I thought O’Connell looked fine last week, but he also didn’t really have to do a lot. I’d like to see him actually get into the endzone before I give him a start. As for Love, I will say that I’ve seen teams move the ball against the Steelers quite a bit; I feel like he can have an okay game if he can figure out how to avoid turnovers. I’m not expecting the moon or the stars here; just give me 18-20 points and let’s see if the rest of my team can pick up the slack.

I like McLaurin’s steadiness over Addison’s boom or bust potential. Until I see Dobbs actually find his receivers (and not just check down to running backs and tight ends), I’m limiting my exposure to receivers in my lineup. Enter Mattison, who had a great week last week, now that he’s playing solo thanks to Cam Akers being lost for the year. As for Scary Terry, I think he could have a monster game against the Seahawks.

CeeDee Lamb has been as elite as advertised; he’s got a tasty matchup this week. So does Pollard; if he’s ever going to figure it the fuck out, it should be against a terrible Giants team. I’m concerned about Walker’s health, but that’s why I rostered Charbonnet. Hopefully Walker makes it back okay, because I think he could be good for a couple of scores in this one.

I’m hoping for lots of Browns field goals, and I’m hoping for a 40-burger from the Jets defense. I hope they just KILL the Raiders!

This week, I play the same guy twice, in two different leagues. In this one, he’s You Dropped Your Dildo and he’s somehow in 8th place in spite of having the 4th-most points scored. His roster is full of killers:

  • Lamar Jackson (QB) vs. Cle
  • Dak Prescott (QB) vs. NYG
  • Ja’Marr Chase (WR) vs. Hou
  • Garrett Wilson (WR) @ LV
  • Austin Ekeler (RB) vs. Det
  • Jonathan Taylor (RB) @ NE
  • Logan Thomas (TE) @ Sea
  • Mike Evans (WR) vs. Ten
  • TBD (K) vs. TBD
  • Pittsburgh (DEF) vs. GB

He’s got Waddle on a BYE and Danny Dimes on IR, but that doesn’t matter a whole helluva lot. There’s a chance Chase sits out, but he’s got Joe Mixon on his bench. It’s a total nightmare playing You Dropped Your Dildo! Hopefully, the Browns can slow down Lamar, and hopefully Dallas hands off for all of their touchdowns, but I’m not holding my breath. The skill guys are all fuckin’ elite, and he’s got the Steelers’ defense to boot! I have no chance.

Nobody Wants To Hear About My Fantasy Team 2023: Finally A Monday Night Miracle!

131.35 to 65.9. That’s what I was losing by heading into Monday night. AND he had Brock Purdy going against what looked to be a fairly mediocre Vikings defense.

Who did I have going? A bunch of players I likely wouldn’t have been playing if I didn’t absolutely have to. Kirk Cousins, for starters. Alexander Mattison for another. T.J. Hockenson is my tight end, so I’m ride or die there. And Jordan Addison, who very well might’ve been sitting this week if CeeDee Lamb wasn’t on BYE. That’s four Vikings players, going up against the 49ers’ defense, a week after losing their first game of the season, so you figure they would’ve been extra pissed off.

How did the game start? How about with a Kirk Cousins interception? If you think I wasn’t expecting that to be the first of many, you’re crazy. By my calculations, going into this game, I needed 4 Cousins TDs, 2 to Addison, 2 to Hockenson, maybe with a rushing TD for Mattison. The game ended with a 22-17 Vikings victory over the 49ers; I decidedly did not get the bonanza I had hoped for.

BUT, I did get two TDs to Addison (7 catches for 123 yards), I got 11 receptions to Hockenson for 86 yards, and 378 passing yards from Cousins (who did not, in fact, turn the ball over again after the first drive).

Even still, I wouldn’t say things were looking super fantastic. Don’t get me wrong, the first half was amazing! But, the Vikings’ offense stalled in a big way in the second half, just as Brock Purdy was starting to get things going. My saving grace, ultimately, was two fourth quarter picks by Purdy – each worth -4 points – to pull my team ahead once and for all: 149.80 to 144.85. If anything went differently on either of those drives, I’d probably be on here lamenting another bad beat.

Ultimately, I think my team is going to go as far as the Vikings can take me. I can win it all if these guys are going to continue being lights out on offense. But, when they shit the bed, I’m going to shit it as well.

Jordan Love was mediocre (and threw another late pick), Christian Watson got hurt and otherwise had a bad game, and the Packers’ defense did next-to-nothing against an inept Broncos team. Suffice it to say, my team will NOT be going as far as the Packers take me.

I did get decent points from Walker and McLaurin, and just enough out of the Jags’ kicker. Now, I get the Jets’ defense and my Cowboys players back for the stretch run. Boy, will I need ’em!

I’m now 3-4 and clinging to sixth place in the standings, but I need to pile on some wins – and some quality scoring weeks – if I want to hang around playoff contention.

This week, I’m going up against Champagne & Sweats, the current last place team at 1-6. He’s the reigning league champion, so obviously I can’t take him lightly. But, this is fantasy football, and I just won a game I very much wasn’t projected to win, so literally anything can happen.

Here’s my lineup:

  • Kirk Cousins (QB) @ GB
  • Jordan Love (QB) vs. Min
  • CeeDee Lamb (WR) vs. LAR
  • Jordan Addison (WR) @ GB
  • Kenneth Walker (RB) vs. Cle
  • Tony Pollard (RB) vs. LAR
  • T.J. Hockenson (TE) @ GB
  • Terry McLaurin (WR) vs. Phi
  • Dustin Hopkins (K) @ Sea
  • N.Y. Jets (DEF) @ NYG

Mattison returns to my bench this week, for the foreseeable future. Cam Akers is munching into his carries to the point where they’re practically in a 50/50 timeshare; who didn’t see THAT coming? To be fair, the Vikings’ running game in general has been pretty mediocre, so for now he’s just an injury replacement/BYE week fill-in.

Christian Watson got hurt at the tail-end of that Broncos game. He has, decidedly, been a bad keeper through seven weeks. Obviously, he was out injured for most of that time, but also Jordan Love isn’t great, and the Packers in general keep games close enough where they’re rarely in a super-negative game-script. And when they do pass, they tend to spread the ball around. Watson has not proven to be the TD machine he was last year.

Bryce Young is still a Wait & See for me. He’s looked moderately improved over his last two games, and just went through his BYE week; here’s hoping he used that time wisely and heads into the back-half of the season as a viable option for me. Justin Fields looks to be out for another week, so who’s crazy for rostering four quarterbacks all season NOW?

On Wednesday, after players left waivers and reverted back to free agents, I had the opportunity to pick Evan McPherson back up. But, instead, I opted to go with Dustin Hopkins, kicker for Cleveland, who has been absolutely kicking ass this year in general, and especially over the last two weeks – where he has 39 points – in hopes that his good fortunes will continue. The Browns seem to have an offense that’s struggling to score touchdowns, but isn’t so inept that they can’t move the ball at all. Of course, now that he’s on my team, watch them totally fall apart.

I had been in a back-and-forth trade negotiation with Champagne & Sweats for a couple weeks in there. He’s been trying to trade me Geno Smith for Jordan Love. At this point, neither one has been all that enticing. He’s a Packers fan, so he just wants to root for his guy; I’m a Seahawks fan and I don’t trust Geno as far as I can throw him. Unfortunately, I think we’re a poor fit for this, as all the guys I like on his team are too good for Love, and it’s hard to find an evenly-matched deal. Here’s his team:

  • Jalen Hurts (QB) @ Was
  • Geno Smith (QB) vs. Cle
  • Stefon Diggs (WR) vs. TB
  • Christian Kirk (WR) @ Pit
  • D’Andre Swift (RB) @ Was
  • Javonte Williams (RB) vs. KC
  • Evan Engram (TE) @ Pit
  • Gabe Davis (WR) vs. TB
  • Justin Tucker (K) @ Ari
  • Philadelphia (DEF) @ Was

See, I like Hurts and Diggs, but those guys are practically untouchable. I don’t care for Davis – after last year’s debacle, where I drafted him in every league – nor am I high on his running backs or any of his bench guys. Our whole trade dalliance commenced with me trying to get Deebo Samuel from him for Mattison, but as you can see, Deebo just can’t stay on the field. Now, I don’t know if I even want THAT headache. Even when he’s good enough to play, he could get knocked out in the first quarter, and then where will I be?

Other than Hurts, Philly’s D, and Kirk, I don’t really love his matchups. This is a game I probably SHOULD win, but when have I said that before? And how did that actually end up? I’m not super thrilled that I’ve got two quarterbacks going up against one another again; what are the odds the Packers/Vikings game is another slugfest just like the Bears/Vikings game a couple weeks ago? Would’ve been REAL nice to have Fields going up against the Chargers, so I could bench Love.

Nobody Wants To Hear About My Fantasy Team 2023: I Never Had A Chance

Sometimes you go up against the guy who scores the most points in the league. Shit happens. 181.15-142.25.

Sometimes, it just so happens to coincide with your two quarterbacks combining for 16.05 points, in a game where they’re going up against one another (Minnesota @ Chicago) and it was projected to be something of a shootout. To be fair, Cousins and Fields would’ve needed phenomenal games for me to pull this one out. But, to finish with such shitty numbers is really demoralizing for someone who’s spent the better part of half a decade trying to fix his quarterback problem.

I got good-enough points everywhere else to give myself a chance. Everyone except my kicker hit double digits; everyone got close to their projection, or beat them by a pretty good margin (good on the Jets’ defense, Kyren Williams, and Kenneth Walker). But, how can I compete when guys like Tyreek Hill, Raheem Mostert, Jared Goff, and Adam Thielen are absolutely going OFF?

The good news is: enough people around me also lost, and I scored a good number of points to give myself a fighting chance with the standings. I’m still in fifth place (the best of the five 2-4 teams), but I have the third-most points in the league.

The bad news is: Week 7 is upon us. It’s my BYE-armageddon.

No Tony Pollard, no CeeDee Lamb, no Bryce Young, no Evan McPherson, no Jets’ defense. And, thanks to injuries, no Fields or Williams. I’m in BAD shape. I’m going to have to (hopefully temporarily) drop my kicker; thankfully, I can use an IR spot finally, so I won’t have to lose my precious Jets.

There’s six teams on BYE this week. Unfortunately, my opponent isn’t NEARLY as throttled as I am. He loses Nico Collins and Chuba Hubbard; I have to imagine one of those guys was destined to be benched anyway since he’s likely getting Aaron Jones back this week. Also, his team name is Car Talk With Josh Allen, so you can guess who one of his quarterbacks is.

I have penciled this game in as a loss since the draft (which has made losing the last two games all the more agonizing). Here’s my M.A.S.H. unit:

  • Kirk Cousins (QB) vs. SF
  • Jordan Love (QB) @ Den
  • Christian Watson (WR) @ Den
  • Jordan Addison (WR) vs. SF
  • Kenneth Walker (RB) vs. Ari
  • Alexander Mattison (RB) vs. SF
  • T.J. Hockenson (TE) vs. SF
  • Terry McLaurin (WR) @ NYG
  • Brandon McManus (K) @ NO
  • Green Bay (DEF) @ Den

The last thing I wanted to do was load up on Vikings this week, especially with the 49ers coming off of a loss. My intended lineup was to include both Fields and Love for the first time this year, to give my team some semblance of the look it might have in 2024 and potentially beyond. Instead, I have four Vikings in my lineup. Mattison will surely be stuffed all day, Addison and Hockenson will likely cede receptions to whoever’s left on that team that I don’t currently own, and Cousins should be good for 3-4 picks.

On the plus side, give me all your Packers against that Broncos defense; this will hopefully be a rebound day for Love and Watson. Walker has been very steady for me this season, and McLaurin has been up and down.

I had my pick of some pretty good defensive options once Wednesday rolled around and all the waiver claims had gone through. The only defense claimed on waivers was the Rams. The top projected defense this week in free agency was Las Vegas, at Chicago. Believe me, I was tempted! I’m probably going to look back on this decision and really regret what I did. But, I dunno. The Raiders on the road? They’re boom or bust on defense; they’ve boomed the last two weeks, but that was at home. I could see the Bears actually doing something without Fields out there constantly giving the ball to the other team. There was also Washington at the Giants; for as bad as the Giants’ offense is, though, I think the Commanders are worse on defense. If I wanted a home team, I could’ve nabbed Indy who’s hosting Cleveland. But, I opted to go with the Anti-Denver strategy. Green Bay, in general, has put up good points every week; they’re far more reliable in my mind. There’s been no negative weeks (in spite of playing the Lions), there’s three double-digit points weeks, including a couple up around 20. Denver’s offense is always a trainwreck ready to happen, so I’ll take my chances here. Even though I kinda sorta feel bad for Russell Wilson, I still get a giddy little thrill when he stinks up the joint.

Not a ton of great options for kicker. Jason Myers got snapped up in a waiver claim early Wednesday morning. Of available free agent kickers, the Raiders’ guy was projected highest, but I don’t trust them to move the ball well without Jimmy G. I dunno, it’s a lot of the usual suspects; I’m sure I got it wrong. I usually like a kicker who’s on a good offense (we’ll see, but Jacksonville seems okay), going up against a good defense (so they’re not just scoring TDs at will). I feel like the Jags should move the ball on New Orleans, but maybe stall out in the red zone. It’s indoors, which I love. My biggest concern is that it’s a Thursday night game, so watch the Jags get shut out or something.

I guess the one thing I have going for me is the fact that my bench is unavailable to me, so I don’t REALLY have to make any decisions (other than the aforementioned rentals I picked up at kicker and defense).

But, I’m really banking on my opponent having an uncharacteristically bad week. Considering he’s 5-1 on the season, he hasn’t had too many of those. Here’s his lineup:

  • Josh Allen (QB) @ NE
  • Brock Purdy (QB) @ Min
  • D.K. Metcalf (WR) vs. Ari
  • DeVonta Smith (WR) vs. Mia
  • Brian Robinson (RB) @ NYG
  • Aaron Jones (RB) @ Den
  • Travis Kelce (TE) vs. LAC
  • Amari Cooper (WR) @ Ind
  • Tyler Bass (K) @ NE
  • New Orleans (DEF) vs. Jax

If it all wasn’t bad enough for me, he’s got the best QB, the best TE, a loaded receiver room, and Jones will probably steal all the points I get out of Love and then some. He’s also got Cleveland’s defense against Indy, if he wants to shuffle two amazing options at that spot.

I’ll be particularly focused on the D.K. Metcalf Revenge Game. He was on my team last year, and I ended up keeping Watson over him. So, I only have myself to blame when D.K. scores two TDs and thoroughly embarrasses me.

The silver lining of this past weekend is that I won my other two matchups pretty handily. I’m going to need them to continue that trend if I want to enjoy this weekend at all, from a fantasy perspective.

Nobody Wants To Hear About My Fantasy Team 2023: I Lost The Stupidest Game Possible

How annoyed was I that I left Justin Fields on my bench last week (or, the last TWO weeks, for that matter)? Pretty fucking annoyed! Considering I lost 141.3 to 125.9, I definitely could’ve used his 43.8 points. Nevertheless, heading into Monday night’s showdown between the Packers and the meh Raiders, all I needed was 16 points and change from Jordan Love and I would’ve prevailed. That was LESS than his projected points. I just needed AH game from him.

Instead, I got 3 of the dumbest interceptions I’ve ever fucking seen, and he finished with less than 1 point. I don’t even know what he was trying to do with those picks; I’m too blinded with rage to actually remember all of them, but the first one seemed like he was intentionally throwing to the Raiders defender, and I think the other two were thrown into 12-on-1 coverage.

It doesn’t help that I’ve been holding Love hostage from the Packers fan in our league, who has been trying since before the draft to trade me Geno Smith for him. The way I see it, Love has longer-term upside, and if he’s adamant about aligning his fantasy team with his favored NFL team, he’s going to have to pay a premium. That’s all there is to it.

To be fair, this is only Love’s first truly awful game. He’s surpassed his projected points three times by a pretty decent margin, and met his projected points once; that’s not someone I’m looking to just give away. But, I’ve noticed some distressing trends through five weeks. First and foremost: whatever decision I make about Fields (sit vs. start), I’m GOING to get it wrong. I’ve played him in his three very worst weeks, and I’ve sat him when he’s finally resembled the late-season breakout from last year. But, that’s neither here nor there. Regarding Love, he’s a tricky fantasy play. The Packers have a good defense, and seem to be content with slowing down their offense and keeping these games relatively low scoring. It was evident from the jump on Monday night that they were bound and determined to establish their run game, even though Aaron Jones was out. Love has a high of 259 in passing yards, and a high in completions of only 23. It tells me he’s not super accurate (his receivers also looked like they left points on the table with drops), and that he’s touchdown-dependent.

Since I have no intention of keeping Cousins beyond this season, though, so far Love is locked into one of my two quarterback keeper spots heading into the 2024 season. But, a lot can obviously change between now and then.

We had our first decent Bryce Young week (22.75, after a high of only 17.05 prior to that). Fields, as I mentioned, has back-to-back 37+ points scoring weeks, so he’s locked into my lineup for the foreseeable future.

Christian Watson looked better last week – after playing in limited duty in week 4, coming back from injury – though he dropped a tough deep ball in tight coverage that could’ve made everyone’s lives better. The Packers are heading into a BYE week this week, but I won’t be afraid of throwing him into my lineup on an as-needed basis.

The loss drops me to 2-3, and in fifth place in the standings. Still a long way to go, and thankfully the top 6 make the playoffs, so I’m not pushing the panic button quite yet.

This week, I go up against The Lance Petemans, who is 4-1 and in second place overall. He has the most points scored in the league, so this is a frightening proposition. My lineup:

  • Kirk Cousins (QB) @ Chi
  • Justin Fields (QB) vs. Min
  • CeeDee Lamb (WR) @ LAC
  • Jordan Addison (WR) @ Chi
  • Tony Pollard (RB) @ LAC
  • Kyren Williams (RB) vs. Ari
  • T.J. Hockenson (TE) @ Chi
  • Kenneth Walker (RB) @ Cin
  • Evan McPherson (K) vs. Sea
  • N.Y. Jets (DEF) vs. Phi

As I mentioned above, both my Packers are on BYE. Terry McLaurin is never going to be a confident play for me, and might be the next guy I waive, if I have to waive someone for any reason. Mattison is out based on a roster crunch (I have too many healthy RBs at the moment … which shouldn’t be a problem for much longer, now that I’ve jinxed myself). And Bryce Young has an interesting matchup at Miami; I wonder if he’ll get some good garbage-time points this week.

You know what I never particularly look forward to? When the majority of my players are involved in the same game. Both quarterbacks are going head-to-head in this one, which means – for me to win this week – I need the Vikings/Bears game to be high-scoring. Thankfully, neither defense is much to write home about. We’ll see what the Vikings look like with Justin Jefferson on IR. Will Addison ascend to be a true #1? Will Hockenson pick up some of the slack? Or, will Cousins suffer as a result? I kind of dread the answers to these questions.

The Cowboys have a juicy Monday night matchup against the Chargers. I am perennially unlucky when I’m tasked with a Monday night comeback, though, so my only hope seems to be taking a huge Sunday lead and not needing Monday’s points at all. Indeed, all my players seem to have good matchups this week – save the Jets defense, who has to tangle with the Eagles – so with that confidence firmly in place, watch my team royally shit the bed.

Here’s who The Lance Petemans will toss in front of me:

  • Jared Goff (QB) @ TB
  • Matthew Stafford (QB) vs. Ari
  • Tyreek Hill (WR) vs. Car
  • Keenan Allen (WR) vs. Dal
  • Raheem Mostert (RB) vs. Car
  • David Montgomery (RB) @ TB
  • Cole Kmet (TE) vs. Min
  • Adam Thielen (WR) @ Mia
  • Jake Moody (K) @ Cle
  • Dallas (DEF) @ LAC

It’s the week I always dread, when I’m reminded of the dumbest fantasy trade I ever made. Back in Tom Brady’s last year with the Pats, I needed a quarterback, and so I traded Tyreek Hill for him (there may or may not have been other players involved, who I’ve since forgotten about). Brady was cooked, and did nothing for my playoff chances; meanwhile Hill has turned into the most dynamic and important fantasy receiver in the history of football. The gift that keeps on giving. I’ve been in a perpetual rebuild ever since.

Allen is a target hog. Mostert’s value just skyrocketed thanks to the injury to Achane. Montgomery has been taking the lion’s (!) share of snaps and goalline carries. This is just a rock-solid team from top to bottom, with Dallas being the envy of just about everyone. I fully expect them to bounce back in a big way after being embarrassed by the 49ers.

Nobody Wants To Hear About My Fantasy Team 2023: A Pillow Fight For The Ages

If I was unlucky in Week 3, I’d say luck was on my side in Week 4, as Fight The Mattriarchy defeated Toot Cannons 115.85 to 96.65.

Neither team, clearly, blew the doors off of this week. I got a good game out of Kyren Williams, a few okay performances here and there, but I also got a 0 from Jordan Addison, sub-5 games from Hockenson and my kicker, and my quarterbacks got a combined 29.05 (while Justin Fields and Terry McLaurin got 37.25 and 22.6 for my bench). He, on the other hand, had a good game from Justin Jefferson, but also was saddled with very bad weeks from Olave, Higgins, Goedert, the 49ers’ defense, and his quarterbacks totalled even fewer points than mine (while leaving De’Von Achane’s 27 points on his bench).

That props me back up to a 2-2 record, which is good for fifth place a month into the season. Even though I’ve been wildly inconsistent, I’m looking more and more like a playoff team if I can keep my guys healthy.

This upcoming Week 5 is where I start to see some BYEs take effect. It’s by no means devastating (save that for Week 7, when I have to fill my defense, kicker, and two Cowboys), but Kenneth Walker will definitely be missed.

No roster moves this week, unless someone comes down with an ailment and I’m able to add someone to my IR spot, so let’s get right to the lineups.

  • Kirk Cousins (QB) vs. KC
  • Jordan Love (QB) @ LV
  • CeeDee Lamb (WR) @ SF
  • Jordan Addison (WR) vs. KC
  • Tony Pollard (RB) vs. NE
  • Kyren Williams (RB) vs. Phi
  • T.J. Hockenson (TE) vs. KC
  • Terry McLaurin (WR) vs. Chi
  • Evan McPherson (K) @ Ari
  • N.Y. Jets (DEF) @ Den

We’re at the point I was dreading: flip-flopping between Love and Fields.

It’s obnoxious that it took Fields four weeks to finally blow up. It’s also obnoxious that I opted to sit him against that feeble Broncos defense (and against the allegedly less-feeble Guardians defense). What’s encouraging is that Fields did the vast majority of the damage with his arm, throwing for 335 yards and 4 TDs, while rushing for only 25 yards on 4 attempts (vs. the Broncos) and 282 yards and 4 TDs, while rushing for only 57 yards on 11 attempts last night. Grain of salt and all that, but here’s hoping that he’s able to keep that going against superior opponents.

Love, to his credit, looked fine on Thursday night, until a late interception thoroughly ruined my night. I was more taken aback by Cousins having such a terrible game against the Panthers of all teams; but, you’re gonna get at least four of those a year. We managed to withstand it this time, let’s hope it’s a while before it happens again. Let’s also hope Love and Fields eventually entrench themselves as my two starters, so I don’t NEED to use Cousins against better defenses. For now, though, Cousins has to be my #1, and I’ll continue to mix and match with Love and Fields.

Love is an interesting case, because he seems to be touchdown-dependent. The Packers actually have something resembling a competent defense, so they should be involved in much closer games; whereas the Bears are still kind of a disaster, and figure to find themselves in more negative game scripts. For this week, I don’t love the Fields matchup against Washington, nor do I love playing a guy like him on Thursday night. Love has the Raiders this week, followed by a BYE; during that BYE, Fields plays the Vikings, so the next two weeks could be very instructive. Not for nothing, but Love also has a matchup against the Broncos coming out of his BYE, so that’s definitely encouraging (Week 7 is also a game where Cousins has to play the 49ers, so I’ll be more than happy to bench him that week).

As for this week, I have to hope for a Cousins bounce-back. He’s playing the Chiefs, so they should be throwing a lot. I also have to hope for an Addison bounce-back, as he’s too talented to be this ignored.

My Flex spot goes to McLaurin, though I’m not thrilled with it. I’m sitting Mattison because I think the Chiefs have a solid D-Line. I’m sitting Watson because he’s still working his way back from injury, and might be limited. Scary Terry isn’t sexy, and he’s coming off of a very good week (which gives me pause, because what are the odds he has back-to-back solid performances in that offense?), but the Bears are atrocious, and I don’t see any reason why the Commanders should struggle offensively, even on Thursday night.

Bryce Young returned to the fold and struggled against the Vikings, scoring less than 10 points. He had a season high in yards with 204, but that’s obviously not saying much.

I’m going up against Sloane N Steady, who has this to say:

  • Anthony Richardson (QB) vs. Ten
  • Josh Dobbs (QB) vs. Cin
  • Amon-Ra St. Brown (WR) vs. Car
  • Brandon Aiyuk (WR) vs. Dal
  • Travis Etienne (RB) @ Buf
  • Isiah Pacheco (RB) @ Min
  • Kyle Pitts (TE) vs. Hou
  • Michael Pittman (WR) vs. Ten
  • Younghoe Koo (K) vs. Hou
  • Baltimore (DEF) @ Pit

So, he’s 1-3 and in 8th place. That being said, you could argue I’m pretty close to that fate, so I’m not counting my chickens in this one.

Richardson looks like a stud; he’s going to be a handful. Dobbs looks surprisingly competent, and should have a high floor. St. Brown and Aiyuk are two of my favorite non-Seahawks receivers (I have them in another league and they’re phenomenal). Baltimore looks like they’re going up against the Steelers’ backup QB, so that could be a nightmare for me.

You’ll know I’m destined to lose this one if Pitts and Pacheco have breakout games. Pitts has been a disaster in that offense (it’s not his fault), and Pacheco is a guy who can do everything, but isn’t necessarily their top scoring weapon. If he has a couple touchdowns, it’s going to be a LONG day for me.

If I REALLY expect to be a playoff team, this is a game I should win. But, fantasy is a fickle beast, so you never know how it’ll all shake out.

Nobody Wants To Hear About My Fantasy Team 2023: An Unlucky Start To The Season

I am 1-2 to start the season, thanks to losing 205.70 to 175.72 to Turd Sandwich. He, of course, scored the most points in the league, thanks to the Buffalo defense (53), Davante Adams (42.2), and Mahomes (34.4). I mean, what can you do?

I had a pretty good week, all things considered. I made the right choices at quarterback; Cousins and Love had 33.35 and 26.85 respectively. Alexander Mattison was on my bench and would’ve been my second-leading RB at 17.5, but even my ideal lineup would’ve lost.

With my 1-2 record, I still have the second-most points scored in our league, which is super frustrating. But, you just gotta keep plugging away and hope to catch some breaks. If I can keep scoring points like this, I’ll definitely make the playoffs (fast forward to me continuing to score points like this, languishing in 7th place).

Who am I kidding; there’s no way I’m going to continue scoring like this.

This week, I go up against Toot Cannons. I’m projected to lose by a fair amount, but I also don’t feel like Yahoo has figured out how to project a lot of these players (Kenneth Walker is projected to only get 11.82 points, yet he’s 3rd among all RBs through three weeks). My lineup is going to look the same as last week:

  • Kirk Cousins (QB) @ Car
  • Jordan Love (QB) vs. Det
  • CeeDee Lamb (WR) vs. NE
  • Jordan Addison (WR) @ Car
  • Kenneth Walker (RB) @ NYG
  • Tony Pollard (RB) vs. NE
  • T.J. Hockenson (TE) @ Car
  • Kyren Williams (RB) @ Ind
  • Evan McPherson (K) @ Ten
  • N.Y. Jets (DEF) vs. KC

Justin Fields had another shit game, this time against the Chiefs. It’s tempting to throw him in there against Denver’s crappy team, but I loved what I saw out of Love in the second half against the Saints last Sunday. He was on point and looks like he could be a great QB. I’m going to continue sitting Mattison for now, because I don’t know what that run game is going to look like once Cam Akers gets into the mix. I feel like they’re looking for any excuse to make a change – you don’t make a mid-season trade like that, for a guy who has proven he’s very capable, if you’re not looking to give him an extended opportunity – and I still believe in Kyren Williams’ usage rate in that Rams offense. It’ll be tough sledding for the Cowboys against the Patriots, but I just gotta hope Lamb and/or Pollard finds a way to break out at some point.

Christian Watson is looking close to returning, but I still want to see him play in a game before I throw him in. It was great of the Panthers to sit Young against the Seahawks; keep taking it slow with him and let’s ramp him up for the second half of the season. I’m looking for any excuse to ditch Joshua Kelley (who has been worthless as the Chargers’ #1 back, in Ekeler’s absence), but I also have the #2 waiver priority, so I have to save it for something important (and not just throw it away on Miami’s De’Von Achane – who had 50+ points against the Broncos, but otherwise has done nothing in a serious time-share that’s only going to get more muddled once Jeff Wilson returns from IR).

Toot Cannons, of course, has a lot of great players. Here are many of them:

  • Tua Tagovailoa (QB) @ Buf
  • Daniel Jones (QB) vs. Sea
  • Justin Jefferson (WR) @ Car
  • Chris Olave (WR) vs. TB
  • Najee Harris (RB) @ Hou
  • Jerome Ford (RB) vs. Bal
  • Dallas Goedert (TE) vs. Was
  • Tee Higgins (WR) @ Ten
  • Harrison Butker (K) @ NYJ
  • San Francisco (DEF) vs. Ari

He’s also got Saquon Barkley, if he’s ready to return from his injury. I would have to imagine – if it looks good for Barkley – we’ll see Harris on the bench.

It’s bittersweet to see both Tua and Danny Dimes doing so well (at least fantasy-wise), since I’m almost positive I had both of them as rookies and promptly gave up on them when they looked like disasters. Jefferson is sure to gobble a ton of points from Cousins, which will (at best) cancel each other out. Higgins seems to be on an Every Other Week schedule of being good, so this figures to be a good week. And, can ANYONE score against the 49ers? I’m guessing NOT the Cardinals (even though they’ve looked relatively impressive through three weeks).

I can’t say I’m very confident. It would be nice if Buffalo came to play defense, but for some reason I doubt it. They only kick fucking ass when they’re going up against MY fantasy team.

Nobody Wants To Hear About My Fantasy Team 2023: Play Your Studs!

Couldn’t quite get to 2-0. Had every opportunity, but my needless tinkering did me in.

Fight The Mattriarchy lost to Beasts 163.75 to 155.85. If you do the math, there’s an argument to be made that I lost thanks to Russell Wilson’s hail mary touchdown pass at the end of the game. KNOCK THE FREAKIN’ BALL DOWN!!! 50 yards (2.5 points) plus a TD (6 points). That’s 8.5 points; I lost by 7.9.

But, really, I shouldn’t have been in that position in the first place. I sat Kenneth Walker (18.4) and played Joshua Kelley (3.9); that was my true blunder. I also needed to realize that Justin Fields (14.85) is simply worse than Jordan Love (27.85), but I was a week too late.

I did end up making Kirk Cousins a last-minute addition (40.2), which gave me a nice little Thursday Night boost that was quite unexpected. So, I wasn’t a TOTAL ass.

I also made a shrewd Sunday morning pickup of Kyren Williams, running back for the Rams, when it was announced that Cam Akers is on the trade block again. I don’t know how he was out there as a free agent for so long, but I’m happy to add him to the team! Zay Jones was an early morning pickup for an open spot thanks to Christian Watson being on the IR for a second week; he wasn’t long for my team (thankfully).

I am going up against Turd Sandwich this week (I’m actually playing this guy in two leagues, which is going to add an extra bit of anguish to my bachelor party this weekend, when he beats me twice). I went ahead and set my lineup early – taking advantage of Watson remaining in my IR slot, even though he will probably end up playing – so I can’t make any moves lest I want to drop someone from my bench.

Bryce Young Watch: I got to see my top draft pick play on Monday night. He … didn’t look great. But, there’s definitely potential there (much more potential than with Justin Fields, if I do say so myself), but it’s still WAY too early in the season to start him, even in a 2 QB league. Did I consider it? With him coming to Seattle and playing against that wet paper bag of a defense? I certainly did! But, I’m going to need to see him do it, across multiple weeks, before I can trust him.

Here’s my Week 3 lineup:

  • Kirk Cousins (QB) vs. LAC
  • Jordan Love (QB) vs. NO
  • CeeDee Lamb (WR) @ Ari
  • Jordan Addison (WR) vs. LAC
  • Kenneth Walker (RB) vs. Car
  • Tony Pollard (RB) @ Ari
  • T.J. Hockenson (TE) vs. LAC
  • Kyren Williams (RB) @ Cin
  • Evan McPherson (K) vs. LAR
  • N.Y. Jets (DEF) vs. NE

Give me every single Viking. Well, give me every single Viking in the passing game. I’m far from sold on Mattison at this point; he’s looked exceedingly underwhelming thus far. I’m expecting that game to be a passing bonanza for both teams, so watch the Vikings continuously fall down at the 1-yard line and have to plunge it in with their running back three times. That being said, I don’t think we’re very far from whoever Mattison’s backup is being given an equal amount of touches/snaps. You can’t have too many running backs on your fantasy roster, which is why I’m going to try to hang onto Kelley for a while. They just had a rough matchup against the Titans’ stout run defense. I guess I expected him to be as involved in the passing game as Ekeler was. Wrong on my part.

I don’t love the matchup with Love against the Saints. Odds are, I will have chosen wrong once again, and it’ll be Fields running all over the place. But, I also don’t love the matchup Fields has with that Chiefs defense. They’ve been GREAT this year, especially last week holding Jacksonville down on the road the way they did. Love has been making a lot out of a little; he’s not throwing for a ton of yards, but he’s getting a ton of TDs. Hopefully, his playmakers can continue making plays!

Here’s what Turd Sandwich is throwing at me:

  • Patrick Mahomes (QB) vs. Chi
  • Brock Purdy (QB) vs. NYG
  • Davante Adams (WR) vs. Pit
  • Chris Godwin (WR) vs. Phi
  • Rhamondre Stevenson (RB) @ NYJ
  • James Cook (RB) @ Was
  • Hayden Hurst (TE) @ Sea
  • JuJu Smith-Schuster (WR) @ NYJ
  • Riley Patterson (K) vs. Atl
  • Buffalo (DEF) @ Was

Mahomes will light it up, no doubt. Adams will destroy Pittsburgh. Hurst will probably score a bunch against the Seahawks. And Purdy will probably look good against a not-great Giants team. Other than that, I’m not totally quaking in my boots. Which probably means I’ll lose by 50.

He also has Dameon Pierce on his bench; I have to imagine he’ll be playing in place of JuJu. Why would you start a receiver against the Jets if you didn’t have to? That game should be a low-scoring slug-fest. But, I worry that Stevenson will catch 15 balls in the process, which is my nightmare.

The projected scoring has this one razor-thin. I’m nervous! I’m always nervous. But, I also lose to this guy all the time, so I’m sort of resigned to my fate.