Nobody Wants To Hear About My Fantasy Team 2021: Toilet Trophy Championship

Sloane N Steady tried to do me a solid by not updating his team until after the Thursday night game started, accidentally leaving Dalvin Cook (and his 35.2 points) on his bench, but that only spared me the indignity of him dropping 200+ points on me. As it was, he had no trouble putting up 171.20 points, which easily eclipsed my 134.36.

Taylor Heinicke stunk. Ezekiel Elliott clearly isn’t healthy, as Tony Pollard was out and he STILL didn’t even get the most carries on his team (ceding a good chunk of snaps to Corey Clement of all people). And, of course, D.K. Metcalf was outscored by my kicker. In the end, I got bulldozed by the combo of Aaron Rodgers and the Chiefs’ defense scoring a combined 74.05 points.

The loss dropped me to 3-11 on the season, one game (and a shitload of points) behind Korky Butchek. I’m officially in last place for the season, and that means I’ve won myself the league’s Toilet Trophy. I’ll make sure to take a picture for posterity.

All isn’t totally lost, as we still have the Consolation Bracket yet to go. But, I can’t say I have the highest of hopes. I’m a combined 1-4 against my Consolation Bracket foes, and that lone win was pretty flukey. Worst-case scenario is I’ve spent all of 2021 playing for 2022, and I end up with the fourth overall draft pick (which is pretty meaningless in the grand scheme of things).

Our league has a 6-team playoff system, with the remaining four teams in the aforementioned Consolation Bracket. The way it’s set up, the playoffs start today, with the top two teams on BYE. The way Yahoo has set it up means that the entire Consolation Bracket is also on BYE, which nobody is happy with. I think, as losers, we’re all ready for this season to be over with as quickly as possible. But, we have to wait until the bitter end.

Which is a bummer, because I have the Rams’ defense going up against the Seahawks this week. I feel like that’s a 20+ game just waiting to happen.

Splinter League Round-Up!

At least there’s good ol’ BUCK FUTTER! We soundly defeated Look At Me Run by the end of Sunday, when I still had two more players left to go to pour it on! Unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately, I guess we’ll see), Beer Thirty also won to stay a game ahead of me for first place. The good news is, I’ve locked up a spot in the playoffs, making next week’s game meaningless. Of course, I’m going up against the last place team who has given up on life, so that should be an easy win regardless. All that’s left to be determined is playoff seeding. This league is extremely top-heavy and extremely bottom-heavy. The top six teams all have 8 or more wins (with the three teams who’ve clinched a playoff spot all having 10+ wins); the bottom four teams all have 10 or more losses. So, there really aren’t any easy options for me heading into the playoffs. I’m going to have to beat two REALLY good teams if I’m to win this championship!

Third League Round-Up!

I joined an established third league this year that I haven’t talked much about, because it’s standard scoring, with 0.5-point PPR. They’ve got other interesting wrinkles to the rules that make it fun, but it’s obviously not what I’m familiar with. My goal going in was to avoid last place (which I’ve managed to accomplish with relative ease). Last place has a penalty where you have to buy drinks for everyone at the end of the season. Then, I started winning so many games, the playoffs started looking like a real possibility! As of the last two weeks, I’ve held down the second place spot, after back-to-back clutch wins against my potential playoff foes. But, this most recent week I got my doors blown off. Thankfully, everyone right below me also lost, so I’ve held my ground. But, I have the third-fewest total points in the league, and I’ve got five teams below me all within a single game (I’m 8-6, they’re all 7-7); I’m going up against the top team in the league (in both record and total points), and there’s a scenario where I still manage to hold my spot in second place, or a scenario where I fall all the way to sixth or seventh. It’s a nightmare! Win and I’m in; lose and I need A LOT of help!

Nobody Wants To Hear About My Fantasy Team: Week 6

I’m gonna tell you what, if I would’ve lost this last week, I MIGHT’VE quit fantasy football entirely.

In every sense of the word, I was lucky to win this one, 128.93 – 124.86.  For starters, if he’d gone with MY version of his best lineup, he would’ve only lost by a little over a point.  He ended up subbing in Cam Newton for Deshaun Watson and that cost him 6 points.  He also subbed in Dion Lewis for Jay Ajayi, which added a little over 3 points to his total, so if he’d split the difference and just kept Watson in there, he would’ve beat me.

He also had the Mason Crosby Experience in there, which absolutely destroyed him.  I got super lucky that the Seahawks did as well as they did against his Rams defense (which ended up getting him just 1 point).

On my end of things, the Carolina defense was a boon, getting me 15 points.  Robbie Gould, though, got me 0.  Calvin Ridley – who I’d been hyping up all week – had a mediocre 7.8 points.  And, obviously, I should’ve benched Tyreek Hill for either Robert Woods or Kenny Golladay.  But, that’s neither here nor there.

Going into the Monday Night game, I had a 119.63 – 87.51 lead.  He had Drew Brees, I had the combo of Adrian Peterson and Jordan Reed.  And I BARELY won!

Now, obviously this is by far my worst week of the season.  I would’ve lost to all but 2 guys in my league.  So, in that sense, I was fucking due for a squeaker.  But, I’m gonna need a much better week this week to keep the train rolling.

King Flippy Nips is now 2-3 on the season and up to 5th place.  I’ve fallen to 3rd in total points though (I’m still tops in the league in points against).

No waiver claims this week.  I didn’t have a super-pressing need and felt it was a better use of my status to climb the waiver priority ranks (come Thursday morning, after a few moves by others, I’m up to 7th).  But, that doesn’t mean I didn’t do anything.  For starters, Greg Olsen is playing again, which means I can’t use an IR spot on him anymore.  I ended up dropping last week’s fill-in defense (Carolina) to make room.  Then, after the big, fat zero I got from Robbie Gould last week, I cut him and owned Wendell Smallwood for a hot minute.

See, I’ve got a real quandary at running back.  Fournette is out of commission (he has since claimed my team’s coveted IR spot for at least a week), and Adrian Peterson apparently injured his shoulder last week.  The Redskins’ offense is a total mess, so the sooner I can get rid of these guys (he and Jordan Reed), the better.  But, for now, I have to keep them.  And yet, I also need to fill a fucking roster!  There are no easy weeks in this league.  Smallwood looked like a good bet, but he’s in a 50/50 time-share with Corey Clement, and neither one has really established himself as a goalline back vs. a 3rd down/pass-catching back.  Clement appears to be BOTH, if I’m being honest, yet Smallwood still eats into about half the snaps.

Anyway, Smallwood and the Eagles are playing on Thursday, and even if AP is a hundred years old, I still prefer him over a 50/50 guy.  So, a few hours later, I ended up dropping Smallwood and picked up Alfred Morris.  Morris plays on Monday Night, in Green Bay, but he looks to be the team’s lead running back for at least this one week.  So, come Sunday morning, if it looks like AP is going to be inactive, I at least have someone competent to throw in my lineup.  It’s not ideal, but it is what it is.

Finally, once I was able to IR Fournette, I was able to pick up a kicker.  I went with Houston’s guy Fairbairn.  It’s pretty slim pickin’s for kickers out there.  I didn’t have the roster flexibility to stash Legatron and the other guy I was looking at was Tennessee’s Ryan Succop, but they’re going against Baltimore this week and I just hate the Titans’ offense.  At least with Houston they seem to move the ball a little better.  I might do some kicker scrounging as the season goes on, in case someone has to drop their guy in a crucial BYE week.  It might ultimately be worth it to keep a second kicker on my roster through a BYE just to cover my ass come playoff time.

Here’s this week’s lineup:

  • QB1 – Carson Wentz @ NYG
  • QB2 – Andy Dalton vs. PIT
  • WR1 – Tyreek Hill @ NE
  • WR2 – Adam Thielen vs. AZ
  • RB1 – Ezekiel Elliott vs. JAX
  • RB2 – Adrian Peterson vs. CAR
  • TE – Jordan Reed vs. CAR
  • FLEX – Calvin Ridley vs. TB
  • K – Ka’imi Fairbairn vs. BUF
  • DEF – Chicago @ MIA

My bench is:  Carr, Woods, Fournette (IR), Golladay (BYE), Olsen, Morris.

I don’t like Carr against the Seahawks (in London) nearly as much as I like Dalton against the Steelers.  Fournette is still sucking my will to live, so I’m stuck rolling with old man Peterson.  Olsen is coming off of a terrible injury, so I need to see him play a game before putting him in my lineup.  Woods is going up against Denver’s secondary, so I’m gonna roll with Ridley against Tampa’s garbage defense.  If Ridley lets me down again, I’m gonna have to make a move with that FLEX spot, but for now I’m hoping for a bounce-back.

This week, I’m up against DelBocaVistaPhase2, who is also 2-3 and in 7th place in our league.  His team is STRONG up and down … except at quarterback.  To wit:

  • QB1 – Josh Allen @ HOU Eli Manning vs. PHI
  • QB2 – Sam Darnold vs. IND
  • WR1 – Stefon Diggs vs. AZ
  • WR2 – Mike Evans @ ATL
  • RB1 – Saquon Barkley vs. PHI
  • RB2 – James Conner @ CIN Joe Mixon vs. PIT
  • TE – Jimmy Graham vs. SF
  • FLEX – Joe Mixon vs. PIT Sammy Watkins @ NE
  • K – Harrison Butker @ NE
  • DEF – Jacksonville @ DAL

His bench is:  Dak Prescott, Chris Thompson Josh Allen, Michael Thomas (BYE), Kenyan Drake, and Keelan Cole LeSean McCoy.

I mean, that’s a murderer’s row … minus the QBs.  We’ve got some interesting direct conflicts as well.  I’ve got Thielen, he’s got Diggs.  That game figures to be a blowout, so it’s up to whoever gets off to a hotter start before Minnesota runs out the clock in the second half.  I’ve also got Andy Dalton and he’s got Joe Mixon, so what’s that game gonna be?  A throw-fest, or a slug-em-out?  And, finally, he’s got Jacksonville’s defense and I’ve got Ezekiel Elliott; obviously the more my guy scores, the less his defense gets.

Also, not for nothing, but I like Darnold against that Colts defense an awful lot, and think he has the potential to put up big numbers.  Between the shootout that should be the Falcons/Bucs, the consistent greatness that Barkley shows on an every-week basis (at least from a fantasy perspective), and the fact that LeVeon Bell chose to wait until AFTER this week to return from his holdout, all goes great lengths in fucking me over.  The Good Luck Gods showered me with love in Week 5, but they’re looking to royally fuck me over once again in Week 6.  I’m Charlie Brown with the football, and that bitch Lucy is fixing to pull it away from me once again.

***THURSDAY AFTERNOON UPDATE***

Blockbuster trade went down.  DelBocaVistaPhase2 sent away James Conner and Chris Thompson, acquiring Shady McCoy and Eli Manning.  So, sub Eli in for Allen, move Mixon up to RB2, and insert Sammy Watkins into the FLEX spot (Keelan Cole hits the waiver wire).  It looks like he’s trying to poach points from Tyreek Hill, which I think is 100% appropriate.  The way New England likes to take away their opponents’ best weapons, I could see a lot of targets funnelled Watkins’ way.

Nobody Wants To Hear About My Fantasy Team: Week 5

Have I told you how much I fucking HATE fantasy football?  Because, I can’t stress that enough.  I truly – with the fire of a thousand fucking suns – HATE FANTASY FOOTBALL WITH EVERY FUCKING FIBER OF MY BEING!

Who has the second-most points in the league, yet is 1-3 and in 6th place out of 10 teams right now?  Me.  I’m that poor fucking sap.

Who has the MOST points scored against him in the entire league, by 26.87 points?  Me.  I’m that poor fucking sap.

Who would have beaten EVERY SINGLE TEAM IN THE LEAGUE last week (except for the one I went up against)?  Me.  I’m that poor fucking sap.

Counting the list of players he had going who scored less than 10 points would be easier, but I’ve never been one to take the easy way out.  You can click that Week 4 Preview up above to see what his lineup was like.  He did end up swapping out Breida for Kerryon Johnson, but it hardly mattered.  Goff got him 50+, Hopkins & White got him 30+ each, Stafford & Ertz got him 20+ each.  Korky Butchek won 221.40 to 184.83, and remember I didn’t have a tight end going!  The next-closest team in the league had 179.75 and again, I DIDN’T HAVE A TIGHT END GOING!

I’m getting rammed in the ass like you wouldn’t believe.  This is borderline historic bad luck for a fantasy football team.

Speaking of bad luck, Leonard Fournette looks like he could be out another week or two (or more), but regardless he’s not someone I’m ever going to feel confident starting.  That’s one of my three keepers – one of the building blocks of my team – who is giving me nothing.  I still have Adrian Peterson I can throw in there, but he’s like a million years old, so how many more weeks can I count on him being alive?  He’s already a shaky player as it is, because if the Redskins are ever trailing, they stick Chris Thompson in there and throw it to him 20 times a game.  So, if AP doesn’t get me a TD, then I’m DOA.

Once it became clear that Ryan Fitzpatrick had lost his starting job, I dropped him on Sunday afternoon, and picked up the Carolina defense (who was on a BYE in week 4).  They’re going to host the Giants this week (while my precious Bears are on a BYE), so I opted to take the upside of a defense facing Eli Manning, over the likes of the Jets (hosting Denver), the Broncos (going to New York), the 49ers (hosting the Cards), or the Bengals (hosting Miami).

I’ve also officially given up on Demaryius Thomas, after a pathetic game against a hapless Chiefs defense.  He drops too many balls, Case Keenum isn’t very good, and their offense in general is pretty conservative and run-heavy.  My team is too good to have some bust hogging my FLEX spot.

I somehow got up to the 5th spot in our league’s waiver priority, so I went and put a couple claims out for players.  Calvin Ridley was still out there somehow, so I took a shot at him and I landed him!  I couldn’t tell you why Atlanta’s touchdown leader was still out there on the waiver wire, but he’s mine now!  This is a boon for King Flippy Nips!  Calvin Ridley is the type of guy who comes from out of nowhere to win fantasy teams fantasy championships.  The fact that he was available after 4 weeks of play means that many people in my league dropped the ball.  I mean, let’s face it, if the Falcons haven’t figured out how to give Julio Jones the ball in the endzone by now, they’re not going to magically figure it out.  Teams are still going to double that guy, meaning Ridley is going to continue getting friendly matchups in a prolific offense (on a team with a rotten defense).  As long as Ridley stays healthy, I’m golden.

Here’s this week’s lineup:

  • QB1 – Carson Wentz vs. MIN
  • QB2 – Derek Carr @ LAC
  • WR1 – Tyreek Hill vs. JAX
  • WR2 – Adam Thielen @ PHI
  • RB1 – Ezekiel Elliott @ HOU
  • RB2 – Adrian Peterson @ NO
  • TE – Jordan Reed @ NO
  • FLEX – Calvin Ridley @ PIT
  • K – Robbie Gould vs. AZ
  • DEF – Carolina vs. NYG

My bench is:  Andy Dalton, Fournette, Robert Woods, Kenny Golladay, Chicago, Greg Olsen.

I opted for Carr over Dalton because I figure that game will be much more high scoring; Dalton’s hosting Miami who has a surprisingly good defense.  I don’t love Hill’s matchup against the Jags, but he’s just not a guy I’m going to sit (if I did sit him, I’d probably go with Woods in his spot, because there’s no way the Seahawks will shut down the Rams’ offense).  My favorite matchup is probably Ridley against Pittsburgh; this waiver claim should pay immediate dividends.

I’m going up against Koncussion Protocol, which is apparently a play on someone’s name in our league (yet NOT the owner of the team Koncussion Protocol).  He’s in 4th place with a 2-2 record, yet he has 74.96 fewer points than I do.  Nevertheless, he has a nice little squad that could give me fits if they all blow up at once (which seems to be the trend this year).

I would expect Sunday morning tinkering, but here’s who I would perceive to be the best lineup he’s got to throw at me:

  • QB1 – Drew Brees vs. WAS
  • QB2 – Deshaun Watson vs. DAL
  • WR1 – Golden Tate vs. GB
  • WR2 – Tyler Lockett vs. LAR
  • RB1 – Austin Ekeler vs. OAK
  • RB2 – Jay Ajayi vs. MIN
  • TE – Jared Cook @ LAC
  • FLEX – Nelson Agholor vs. MIN
  • K – Mason Crosby @ DET
  • DEF – L.A. Rams @ SEA

His bench consists of:  Cam Newton, Corey Clement, Dion Lewis, Geronimo Allison, and DeSean Jackson (who is on a BYE this week).  It wouldn’t shock me to see one or more of these guys subbed in there.  He is a Packers fan, so Allison is always a possibility.

Obviously, his running backs are a little weak.  But, I could see the Chargers throwing the ball a ton against the Raiders, and the Vikings defense hasn’t been anything special, so if there was ever a week for Ajayi to bust out, this might as well be it.  Lockett is always going to be boom or bust, and he’s on the Seahawks, so you figure his usage is always going to be random.  Tate and Cook stand out as potential stars this week, and Agholor could throw a wrench into things if Wentz decides to feature him heavily in the pass game.  And, obviously, the Rams are going to get a fistful of sacks and probably a few turnovers, so that’s looking scary.

How much worse can it get for my bad luck team?  We’ll find out soon enough.