The Seahawks Extended Jackson and Lockett

With all the Mariners stuff starting up last week, I’ve been sitting on this one until I needed it, so here it is: a brief rundown of recent contract extensions!

Teams have to do a lot of creative bookkeeping with the salary cap this year, to try to get better while at the same time staying under the max set by the league. Teams with Top 5 quarterbacks have to get particularly creative to make this work, which is the boat the Seahawks are currently sailing on.

We recently traded for Gabe Jackson, offensive guard from the Las Vegas Raiders. He had 2 years remaining on his deal, but at a relatively high cap number, while at the same time not guaranteed whatsoever. So, there’s a little give and take in his 3-year, $22.75 million deal. He gets $16 million guaranteed – including $9 million via the signing bonus – and the Seahawks get a little cap relief in 2021, while at the same time setting themselves up to lock in a quality guard for at least the next three years (his deal we obtained in the trade was essentially torn up and replaced with this one). Win/win for everyone, I love it!

We followed up this brilliant move with another one: extending Tyler Lockett an additional four years, at $69.2 million, with $37 million guaranteed. Lockett was going to be a free agent at the end of 2021, but instead is signed through 2025, when he will be only 33 years old. There’s no sense that he’ll be slowing down anytime soon, so I love this deal! Keep him and D.K. Metcalf side-by-side as long as possible!

I don’t know (yet) what this does to provide cap relief in the short term, but from a long-term standpoint this is a no-brainer. This is the second time the Seahawks have extended Lockett early, and both times it’s been the perfect move for this team.

It’s always important to lock up your best guys. We already knew that Lockett was one of the best receivers in the league, but it’s comforting to see the team have this kind of confidence in Gabe Jackson. The interior of the offensive line is something I’ve harped on for years with the Seahawks. There are too many quality defensive tackles – particularly in our division – and we have always been in desperate need to beef up this part of our team to protect Russell Wilson. He’s elite at extending plays with his legs – even if he’s lost a step compared to where he was five years ago – but the closest distance between any two points is a straight line. And there’s no line closer than the one between Russell Wilson and wherever Aaron Donald lines up.

The Seahawks Signed Gerald Everett & Traded For Gabe Jackson

Today’s my birthday and I’m flying to Las Vegas later this morning, so we’re keeping this short and sweet.

Yes, the Seahawks were in need of a tight end, with the retirement of the waste of $7 million that is Greg Olsen and the impending free agency of Jacob Hollister. No, I do not have a high regard for the tight end position in our offense, and don’t think we should be putting our limited resources to overpaying for veterans.

Nevertheless, welcome Gerald Everett. 1 year, worth up to … $7 million (with $6 million guaranteed).

He was underwhelming as a member of the Rams, but nevertheless this makes sense as a signing, since he was a free agent, and we just hired our offensive coordinator from that organization. Of course Shane Waldron wants at least ONE player who’s familiar with the scheme he’s planning to run. Everett, in his four years in the league, has never had a season with more than 41 receptions (2020) or over 417 yards (also 2020). Was that due to Jared Goff & Co. not taking advantage of Everett’s skillset? Was that due to their wide receivers being elite and hogging all the targets? Or … was that due to scheme, and this particular style of offense doesn’t feature the tight end the way you’d expect as a team signing a guy for $7 million?

If it’s the scheme, and the Seahawks are going to run that scheme, then I think that’s a problem. If it’s because of there being elite receivers on offense … I mean, what do you call D.K. Metcalf and Tyler Lockett? Finally, it strikes me that if Everett had this great skillset, he would command more in free agency than 1 year and $7 million. Shit, the New England Patriots just signed TWO free agent tight ends to big money contracts, and that’s after drafting two tight ends the year before!

I’m not getting my hopes up. Thankfully, Everett is young and doesn’t appear to have had any significant injuries, so unlike – say – Ed Dickson, or again, Greg Olsen, it’s reasonable to expect Everett to play a full 16-game slate.

The move I like is trading for Gabe Jackson! The Seahawks needed a new STARTING left guard, and it looks like they have a good one.

Are you like me? Are you sick of watching the Seahawks continuing to dumpster dive the interior of the offensive line? Well, fret no longer! Jackson appears to be reliable at keeping guys off the quarterback, which is precisely what Russell Wilson has been clamoring for all offseason. He’s also notoriously healthy, which is big, since the Seahawks have employed a revolving door at left guard the last … forever? I have no idea; time is nonexistent.

He’s locked in for the next two seasons, and this will only be his eighth year in the league. So, he’s a veteran, he knows how to handle himself in the league, and something freaky would have to happen injurywise for him to miss time. So, look out for that, because “something freaky” seems to follow the Seahawks around like a storm cloud.

All he cost the Seahawks was a 5th round pick in 2021. Considering it seems like the Seahawks are prepared to punt this draft entirely – now with only three picks remaining, none earlier than late in the second round – I’ll take a starter at guard for a 5th round pick in a draft where scouts can’t really do a ton of scouting.

On the plus side, I’m expecting the Seahawks to work overtime on the undrafted players this year. Maybe – with all teams at a similar disadvantage in scouting – we can use our smarts and ability to recruit guys to our advantage in getting the best undrafted players to sign with us!

Seahawks Death Week: Why It Will Never Get Any Better

Leave it to me to always look on the bright side. Here’s where I get to REALLY wallow in my football depression. Won’t you indulge me?

You know what never works? Trying to recreate old glories. Politicians talk about taking us back to the good ol’ days of the 1950’s, when a single-income middle class family could thrive; sorry to break it to you, but those days are never coming back. Paunchy men in their 40’s and 50’s going through mid-life crises might buy flashy sports cars and pop Cialis like they’re Tic Tacs in hopes of reclaiming a youth lost to the drudgery of parenthood and a loveless marriage; sorry to break it to you, but women in their 20’s almost certainly don’t want to fuck you.

The Seahawks are in an interesting position for an NFL franchise, that you rarely get to see. From a head-coaching standpoint, the Seahawks are the fifth-most stable franchise. Pete Carroll was hired in 2010; only four coaches have held their positions longer. There aren’t great numbers at our disposal, but the average tenure for an NFL head coach seems to be less than four years. Even Doug Pederson – who led the Eagles to their first-ever Super Bowl title over a heavily-favored New England Patriots team in 2017 – was let go after five years on the job. That’s nuts! The pressure to win and win immediately has never been higher (even though the league is more profitable than it’s ever been, and seemingly will continue to be so regardless of whether your team is good or not). So, it’s pretty rare to see someone in Pete Carroll’s position: someone who won it all relatively early, and is still firmly entrenched many years later.

Carroll is also still as determined as ever to get this team back to the Super Bowl, and appears to be going about it the same way as those politicians and middle aged men: by trying to recreate the glory days of the 2012-2015 Seattle Seahawks.

Even at that time, the NFL was clearly in the midst of an offensive revolution. Pass first, pass often, pass to win games. Worry about the defense next (but, obviously, don’t put too many resources into it), and worry about the running game not-at-all. The very best teams have more-or-less won it all with this model (while hitting the lottery on injury luck and drafting plenty of young, cheap defensive stars who pop at the right time). The Seahawks of that era zagged when the rest of the league zigged; we emphasized the run game, we spent the majority of our salary cap dollars on defense, we slowed games down, and managed to prevail late in games more often than not.

For the last half-decade or so, the Seahawks have been living a total identity crisis. I think it’s safe to say it all started with the trade for Jimmy Graham, a soft-as-cotton-candy tight end who never met a block he didn’t olé like a matador. For a while there, our talent at running back plummeted just as our neglect along the offensive line ruined us. We’ve since managed to claw our way back to respectability since 2017, but that’s come at the expense of a defense that’s slowly declined as piece-by-piece the stars of old have moved on to other teams or life outside of football.

It’s been a neverending game of Whac-A-Mole. Pay Russell Wilson, Bobby Wagner, Duane Brown, and so on … watch as our secondary erodes and the pass rush falters. Trade for Jadeveon Clowney, Jamal Adams, and Carlos Dunlap … marvel at the shrinking violet offensive line and an interior defensive line that can’t stop the run when it matters most. It’s always fucking SOMETHING with this team. We can’t seem to ever put it all back together again.

And yet, this is what Pete Carroll is trying to accomplish. It starts with firing Brian Schottenheimer (just as soon as I figure out how to spell his name without checking with Google first). Schotty, obviously, has eyes to be a head coach like his dad one day. You don’t get head coaching jobs by helming a run-first, middle-of-the-road offense. You do it by scoring lots of points with flashy plays through the air. Unfortunately for him, that’s really not his strong suit. Defenses figured him out and he was incapable of adjusting; Schotty should probably NEVER be a head coach. Or, who knows, maybe that’s what he was always meant to be, and he should NEVER be an offensive coordinator! The problem is, you can’t get to that next level until you master your current position, and it doesn’t look like that’ll ever be in the cards for him.

I won’t shed a tear for the loss of Schotty, but that also doesn’t mean I’m super stoked by who’s going to come in. Pete Carroll wants a guy who’s going to run the offense his way. Emphasis on the word “run”. Knowing the climate of the NFL, hiring someone who has higher aspirations for his coaching career is going to be tricky; he’s going to have to do his job well with one hand tied behind his back (so to speak). He’s going to have to lead this team to Super Bowl success while calling an offense that doesn’t necessarily light it up among the league’s very best. It’s hard to get noticed that way, when there are so many viable head coaching candidates throughout the pro and college ranks.

What’s clear is that the Seahawks will never succeed when different factions are trying to pull the team in opposing directions. We can’t forget the Russell Wilson in the room. He obviously wants to be recognized as one of the best quarterbacks in football. Yes, he wants to win, but he also wants accolades. He wants MVPs. When he hangs ’em up, he wants to be among the greatest to ever play the position. I don’t know what part he played in Schotty being fired, but from where I’m sitting, it seems like they were on the same page. Both wanted to throw the ball more this year, and Pete Carroll was the one who had to let them do it. So, I would imagine Wilson isn’t too keen on the loss of Schotty, and the prospects of going back to a run-first attack.

Will Wilson want to stick around for the next offensive coordinator? One who’s just a puppet for Pete Carroll? Or, will he opt to demand a trade to a team that will utilize him the way he feels he should be utilized? I guess we’ll see.

The biggest flaw I see in this notion of trying to revert back to what the Seahawks were doing in those glory years is financial in nature. Those teams were taking advantage of having a Pro Bowl quarterback on a cheap rookie deal, so they were free to spend money elsewhere. With Wilson making money near the top of the market, there’s obviously a lot less money to go around (saying nothing of the reduction in the salary cap we’re looking at for next season and maybe beyond).

Then, there’s the matter of there not being as many stars on this roster as there were back then. We drafted tremendously from 2010-2012! We haven’t come close to hitting on that many guys since then. You could argue that 8 of the top 10 players from the Super Bowl winning squad were on rookie deals. How many guys – heading into 2021 – in our top 10 will be on similar contracts? I’m thinking two, maybe three. And, other than D.K. Metcalf, I would say that none of them are of the Pro Bowl/All Pro calibre of the guys from our heyday.

The vast majority of our best players are on second, third, or fourth contracts. That shit adds up! We need more of these guys on rookie deals to pop in a major way, but are incapable of developing them timely enough. And, with a lack of high draft picks (or draft picks period), that doesn’t figure to change anytime soon.

So, what are we banking on, then? We’re saddled in an NFC West that figures to continue being the class of the NFL for many years to come; ideally things would revert to them all being terrible, allowing us to cakewalk to division titles and high seeds in the conference standings. We’re banking on a return of the significant injury luck we had in the early going. And we’re banking on some mythological version of Russell Wilson that pulls our asses out of the fire every time it’s the fourth quarter and we’re losing by double digits.

That NFC Championship Game against the Packers was a once-in-a-generation event! It can’t be a fucking strategy that we hang our hats on every year in the playoffs!

I don’t know what to tell you. If you’re happy just making the playoffs every year, more power to you. If you derive enjoyment from watching a Hall of Fame quarterback who only wins one Super Bowl in his career, then I’m happy for you. It seems like a very Seattle type of mindset, so you’re certainly in the right place when it comes to settling.

Settling doesn’t come easy to me, though. The problem is, I’m loyal to a fault, and the Seahawks are the team I’ve chosen to follow. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect better! But, I’m also able to see this team for what it is. The confluence of things that would have to happen for this team – as it’s currently constructed, from the top down – to win another Super Bowl is so remote and far-fetched that it’s hardly even worth talking about, because it’s almost certainly never going to happen.

The 2020 Seahawks were an interesting case study for me. I don’t remember a team so schizophrenic in all the time I’ve been following the league. An elite offense went in the tank; an all-time poor defense turned itself around into something pretty darn good. Yet, with the power of hindsight, it’s clear that the schedule – as it was sequenced for us – did no one any favors. This team looked as good as any, and as likely to make it to the Super Bowl as any. We had talent at all levels, a stable coaching staff, and enough health throughout that this should be a team that’s preparing to play this weekend (not one still searching for answers).

It’s weird to say a 12-4 team is a fraud, but the Seahawks both took advantage of the schedule and were bamboozled by it. We played all of four games against opponents who made the playoffs, and went 2-2 in those games. One of those teams was a division winner with a losing record, so I kind of want to throw that one out. We were 1-3 against truly great teams (including playoffs) and all three of those losses were games we weren’t even that competitive in! And remember, this was a Seahawks team that – at least from the eye test – was the best one we’ve seen around here since 2015.

That’s pretty damning. And it’s why I’ve lost all confidence that things will ever get any better than this. Sure, we’ll continue to make the playoffs. We might even make it to the Divisional Round again if faced with the right first round matchup. But, this isn’t a team that’s going to get back to playing for championships anytime soon. Not as long as we’re doing everything in our power to try to turn back the clock to 2012 again.

Pete Carroll would have better luck buying a Maserati and firing up the ol’ Ashley Madison account. At least that way he might be the one doing some of the fucking, instead of constantly being the one getting fucked.

Seahawks Death Week: Pathetic Offense Is Fucking Pathetic

I don’t know why this should’ve been a surprise to anyone. The Seahawks’ offense has SUCKED for more than half a season! No one gives one single flying fuck that this team set a franchise record for points scored in a season; when you’ve done most of that against the very worst defenses, and look totally inept against anyone with a pulse, then you’ve done nothing impressive whatsoever.

I’m always baffled when I hear Brian Schottenheimer is up for various head coaching opportunities. Why?! Because he rode Russell Wilson’s coattails to a divisional title? Fat lot of good that did for us. What looked like an impressive offensive turnaround early this season proved to ultimately be a one-trick pony.

Turns out the Seahawks were great at moving the football and scoring points when no one expected them to throw very often. Then, when defenses made just the SLIGHTEST adjustment, we couldn’t figure out any way to counter, other than turn back into a pumpkin and return to a stagnant, do-nothing offense that runs the ball continually into a brick wall, while taking futile shots down field.

I don’t care how good the Rams’ defense is. We’ve faced great defenses in years past. Hell, we used to go up against a GENERATIONAL defense in practice for a bunch of years (during the L.O.B. era), and yet – with Darrell Bevell at the helm, mind you – we still managed to do SOMETHING on offense against these types of teams!

On Saturday, we did nothing. We managed to put up 13 points for most of the game, until a meaningless touchdown when we were down by 17 late in the fourth quarter. How the hell do you suck THIS HARD on offense with Russell Wilson, Tyler Lockett, D.K. Metcalf, and Chris Carson?!

HOW DO YOU NOT HAVE A FUCKING GAMEPLAN?!

Either make D.K. Metcalf a focal point and scheme ways to get him open and take shots down field on 50/50 balls, or fucking use all the other weapons at your disposal and make him a fucking decoy. But, this in-between shit where you try to spread the ball around is NOT FUCKING WORKING!

WHY DOES JACOB FUCKING HOLLISTER HAVE THE SECOND-MOST TARGETS ON THE TEAM?! Are you FUCKING kidding me?! You know how many catches and yards he had on his five targets? Try 0 for fucking 0. Meanwhile, Tyler Lockett – the guy we SHOULD have fucking targeted – had only 4 balls thrown his way. That guy catches everything that comes near him, and yet we’re treating him like he’s worse than a third string fucking tight end.

WHERE THE FUCK WAS GREG OLSEN?! Where’s this old fucking man who we just HAD TO HAVE to the tune of fucking $7 million? Not even a target. I mean, are we sure the front office knows what the fuck it’s doing? Seems to me you wouldn’t have to make so many panic trades for quality veterans if you stopped wasting your fucking money on over-the-hill has-beens.

And finally, WHAT THE FUCK with this offensive line?! Are they ALL 90 years old with bad knees?! This was supposed to be the game where we got back to basics and gave our quarterback a chance to make some plays. Brandon Shell had SO MANY WEEKS to get healthy! Yet, he looked like the worst fucking player on the field, getting beaten repeatedly. Ethan Pocic was a fucking DISASTER! Mike Iupati better fucking retire before he has to live the rest of his life in a fucking wheelchair, because he CANNOT stay on the field. And, if you’re hoping for too many more good years out of Duane Brown, I’d think again. I think he’s toast as soon as 2021, and if we don’t have a replacement lined up soon, we’re going to be in for a rude awakening the likes of which we haven’t seen since Walter Jones’ final season.

Arguably, the worst part of this game wasn’t the offense at all. As I said up top, that should’ve been expected with what we’ve seen over the last two-plus months. No, the worst part is my worst nightmares came to fruition. We couldn’t stop the Rams’ running game. Jarran Reed wasn’t healthy (and apparently mostly played on passing downs?), and we had no one who could slow down Cam Akers (28 carries, 131 yards and a TD). The Rams’ backup quarterback did, indeed, get the start, but was knocked out of the game after a vicious blow to the helmet on a designed run, which meant we had a benched Jared Goff and his busted hand for most of this one. And we STILL couldn’t stop their run! True to form, the Rams wanted nothing to do with Goff trying to win it for them, and somehow we obliged their ‘fraidy-cat offensive scheme by giving up huge chunks of yards on almost every run (Goff had 155 passing yards on 9/19 passing). It was completely absurd.

Yet, even with how miserable that was, if the offense could’ve done ANYTHING, we might’ve prevailed. Aaron Donald – the best football player alive – even had to exit the game early in the second half with a likely rib injury, and we STILL couldn’t stop their front four!

And, don’t even get me started on how bad Russell Wilson has been for most of this season. Shove that MVP trophy out of your mind, because you are NOT worthy. I don’t know why we don’t put more emphasis on check-downs, but against defenses like this – especially in the middle of the game, after you’ve already punted multiple times – you have to take what they give you! Look at, again, literally every game from the L.O.B. era! What did opposing teams do? They dinked and dunked! Why are we smashing our fucking faces against a brick wall trying to take nothing but deep shots down the field!

Russell Wilson: YOU ARE NOT PATRICK FUCKING MAHOMES!

THIS ISN’T THE KANSAS CITY CHIEFS OFFENSE! ANDY REID ISN’T WALKING THROUGH THAT FUCKING DOOR! STOP IT WITH THIS SHIT AND FIND AN OFFENSE THAT FUCKING WORKS!

I’m so fucking angry and revolted by this fucking franchise, that if you thought there was going to be any silver lining posts during Seahawks Death Week, think a-fucking-gain. The Seahawks are in fucking shambles. There are over-paid wastes of space on this team, there are some difficult cuts that NEED to be made, there are free agents we need to try to retain, and OH BY THE FUCKING WAY, the salary cap is going to be reduced considerably thanks to a fucking pandemic that the American government severely bungled.

So, you know, we have that to look forward to. If you thought 2021 was going to be better than 2020, you’re a fucking royal idiot. It’s only going to get worse and worse, every fucking year, until by the grace of fucking God we’ll all be fucking dead.

Fuck the Rams and fuck you too.

I’m Dreading This Playoff Game Against The Rams

The only other time the Seahawks squared off against the Rams in the playoffs was in the 2004 season. We went 9-7 and won the NFC West – the first of four consecutive divisional championships under Mike Holmgren – in the year before we made it to our first-ever Super Bowl. We were the 4-seed in 2004 and somehow the 8-8 Rams were the 5-seed (the Vikings also had an 8-8 record that year, which landed them the 6-seed). In spite of the Rams’ mediocrity that year, they beat the Seahawks twice in the regular season. Even though it’s pretty difficult to beat the same team three times in the same year, I vaguely remember being concerned, as those Rams seemed to have our number (just as these Rams today – and as all Rams teams in the Pete Carroll era – seem to have our number).

I don’t remember much about that playoff game, other than the fact that we did, in fact, lose to the Rams for a third time that season. 27-20. We apparently overcame a 14-3 first half deficit to take a 20-17 lead early in the fourth quarter. But, we stalled in the red zone on our final drive with less than two minutes to go, turning it over on downs. I remember none of this, of course (the game from that year I remember vividly is the first time we lost to the Rams in the regular season, in overtime, when our friend who’s a 49ers fan showed up halfway through, just as those very same Rams mounted a comeback – down 17 points halfway through the fourth quarter – to win by 6 in less than 15 minutes’ worth of game time; our friend is a jinx and I vowed to never watch any more Seahawks games in his presence for the rest of my life).

I’ll be honest, there’s a significant portion of my brain that thinks the Seahawks already used up all of their good luck in defeating the Rams two weeks ago. Is that at all rational? Of course not. But, such is my life as a Seattle sports fan.

That having been said, I’d rather the game be played in Seattle than in Los Angeles. Since we needed to defeat them two weeks ago to make that happen, I guess I shouldn’t be too broken up over that one. This would be the best thing going in our favor right now. It’s not a lot – and certainly there won’t be any fans in attendance to give us our usual boost – but it’s something. The 2020 Seahawks still went 7-1 at home, so you can’t tell me Home Field Advantage doesn’t exist at all; it might be lessened, but it’ll never be zero.

The next feather in our cap is the Rams’ quarterback situation. It’s only unfortunate that we don’t have that crowd noise here, because I think we could really get into his head what with this being our first home playoff game since 2016. Jared Goff famously injured the thumb on his throwing hand the last time these two teams played. He managed to finish that game, but then needed to have surgery soon thereafter. Goff missed last week’s finale – where the Rams ousted the Cardinals from playoff contention – but he’s been seen practicing on a limited basis so far this week and it looks like he’ll be able to play. His backup is a guy whose name I refuse to learn, who made his first career NFL start last week. The backup is mobile, but obviously far from good.

I think a lot of Seahawks fans are looking forward to having Goff back behind center; I don’t know if I’m necessarily on the same wavelength. I think Goff – as flawed as he is – is still leaps and bounds better than his backup (otherwise, at this point, I don’t know why the backup wouldn’t have been given more of a shot, given Goff’s limitations from a mobility standpoint, as well as the fact that he seems like a fucking dullard). Nevertheless, if the Seahawks are going to win this game, they’re going to need Bad Goff to show up. The Rams are 4-6 when Goff throws an interception; they’re 5-0 when he doesn’t (technically, they’re 6-0, since he clearly didn’t throw an interception in the game he didn’t play in). They’re 2-5 in games where Goff has been sacked two or more times. In only one of the games the Rams lost did Goff have a passer rating over 100. There’s a pretty clear correlation there that if you can harass Goff into mistakes, it means bad things for the Rams as a team.

The Seahawks should have the horses on defense to do just that. There are concerns, though. Jarran Reed and Bryan Mone – two of our three best defensive tackles – came up injured in the last week. Reed has an oblique strain and is questionable; Mone has an ankle injury that he previously had to overcome after missing a few weeks. This is the exact reason why you hate to lose someone like Snacks Harrison, but he couldn’t bring himself to stick it out for the playoff run as a backup/bench guy. This obviously hurts us in our interior pass rush, but more importantly it seriously weakens our run defense. I do expect both to play, but it also wouldn’t shock me in the slightest for one or both of them to come up lame in the first quarter and have to sit out the rest of the game.

The Rams want to run they ball. They’re DYING to run the ball! Whatever it takes to reduce the load on Goff’s shoulders. You want to know why the Seahawks looked so good in the second half of that game down in L.A. earlier this season? Because the Rams went super conservative with a run-heavy gameplan so their quarterback wouldn’t lose the game for them! Run defense has been the Seahawks’ specialty throughout this season – even when our pass defense and pass rush stunk early on, we could be counted on to stifle the opposing run attack – but there have been spots here and there where we’ve struggled. The Vikings figured us out. The Giants had a couple of drives in their game that cost us dearly. Everyone thinks the Rams are the second coming of The Greatest Show On Turf, but the truth is they love to run it as much as anyone. It opens up their play-action game – which they’re terrific at – and obviously (as I’ve said multiple times) it takes the ball out of Goff’s hands. If the Rams are able to run the ball at will, there’s no stopping them.

At which point, it would be incumbent upon the Seahawks’ offense to show us LITERALLY ANYTHING against the league’s best defense. We’ve managed all of 36 points in two games. I’m pretty confident that it will take more than 18 points to beat the Rams tomorrow.

This really gets to the heart of my discontent; I don’t think the Seahawks’ offense is good against anything other than the worst defenses, none of which will be stepping foot out there on Saturday or ever in these playoffs. We’ve been scuffling for so long now, and for so many different reasons, that we have to conjure up conspiracy theories as to why this side of the ball has been underperforming so badly. Secret, undisclosed injuries; Pete Carroll meddling too much with the offensive gameplan; guys saving themselves for the postseason. That’s on top of legitimate concerns like the actual health and injuries to our offensive linemen and running backs, and the fact that D.K. Metcalf can’t go one game without dropping a ball that hits him on the hands.

I don’t really love this Seahawks offense against ANY defense in the NFC, but I especially don’t like them against the league’s absolute #1 defense.

Which means, *sigh*, we’re in for another low-scoring slog-’em-out slug-fest that’s nothing but punts and turnovers. And that’s probably a BEST-case scenario! There’s a relatively decent chance that the Rams run away with this one; there’s almost zero chance the Seahawks do so. We need to hope the game remains close, and that we can find away to eke it out in the end.

I’m not super confident. I know I’m this dick-wagging swagger machine when I come on here and talk about my favorite sports teams; but I’m really nervous, you guys! I have zero confidence that we’re going to get it done this weekend!

And, of course, when we lose, it’ll probably look a lot like what happened the last time the Rams beat us in the playoffs, when they went on and got throttled by 30 points in the Divisional Round to the Falcons. Presumably, this time it would be the Rams getting throttled by the Packers, but you get the idea.

Fingers crossed for a mini-miracle, everyone! Otherwise, it’s going to be a long and terrible fucking offseason.

The Seahawks Beat The 49ers, Stayed In The Three-Seed

I’m the kind of guy who’s more than happy to celebrate a divisional victory and a home game in the first round of the playoffs. But, there’s a part of me that can’t help but harp on the fact that had the Seahawks simply beaten the shithole Giants, we’d be 13-3 right now, with the top seed in the NFC and a BYE next week. The more I think about it, the more my blood boils; hence why I try to NOT think about it.

Of course, it seems counterintuitive because as a football fan and a Seahawks fan specifically, you’d think I’d be HAPPY that there are potentially more Seahawks games to watch. But, I’m me, and all I can focus on is the fact that there are potentially more opportunities for the Seahawks to lose.

If you assumed it’s a waking nightmare to live in my head, congratulations! Your suspicions are CON-FIRMED!

Yesterday’s game was enjoyable enough, I guess. But, at no point was I ever seriously tempted by the other two games going on concurrently. The Panthers tied the Saints in the first quarter at 7-7, but New Orleans would go on to win 33-7. The Bears were actually leading the Packers 10-7 partway through the second quarter; but the Packers went up by 8 at halftime and ultimately won 35-16. Indeed, had the Seahawks’ game not been going as quickly as it was, they might’ve realized much earlier that it was meaningless and started pulling some starters early.

This game was a snooze through the first half, with both teams trading field goals and punts. There was more of the same in the third quarter, as the 49ers took a 9-6 lead into the final frame. Then, once they mounted an 11-play touchdown drive to go up 16-6, this game officially became infuriating. Russell Wilson and the offense couldn’t do a damn thing! The running game was getting stuffed left and right, the pass rush bottled Wilson up pretty good, and apparently the coverage in the secondary was off the charts, as we had to throw the ball away countless times.

But, if you hung in there that long, you were rewarded by the Seahawks taking over in the fourth quarter with three unanswered touchdown drives to go up 26-16. The 49ers had a meaningless back-door cover to make it 26-23, but otherwise it was a fine Seahawks victory to wrap up a relatively successful 12-4 regular season. We’ve had two seasons at 13-3 (both years where we went to the Super Bowl), and two other seasons were we finished with 12 wins, making this one of the five most successful regular seasons in franchise history. Not too bad!

Russell Wilson finished with a mediocre 181 yards and 2 touchdowns, but again he had zero turnovers, and helped limit the 49ers to just 2 sacks. The running game ultimately got it going in the fourth quarter; as a team we finished with 121 yards on 27 carries, with an Alex Collins touchdown late. Tyler Lockett had a monster game with 12 catches for 90 yards and 2 touchdowns.

We saw history in this one! Tyler Lockett became the first Seahawks receiver EVER to catch 100 passes in a season! The previous high in receptions was 94 (by Bobby Engram in 2007 and Doug Baldwin in 2016). He finished with exactly 100 for 1,054 yards and 10 TDs. This was the second time Lockett has gone over 1,000 yards, with his 1,057 last year. The other bit of history was D.K. Metcalf breaking Steve Largent’s single-season receiving yards record! Largent had 1,287 in 1985; Metcalf ended 2020 with 1,303 (on 83 receptions, with 10 TDs of his own). This is hands down the best season by a receiving duo in Seahawks history, which is pretty impressive.

Once again, the defense showed up in a big way in this game. The only reason why the 49ers had as much success in the second half of this one is simply because the Seahawks’ offense couldn’t do ANYTHING. We had three sacks, including 2 by Benson Mayowa, to give him 6 on the year. Last year, Rasheem Green led the Seahawks with 4 sacks; this year we had FIVE guys either match or surpass that number! As a team, we finished with 46 sacks on the season, which was good for seventh in the league; if you had the Seahawks anywhere near the top twenty at the beginning of the season, you are a liar!

Of course, we did give up the 11th-most total yards, and the 2nd-most passing yards in all of football; the late-season turnaround wasn’t enough to make up for that abysmal first half.

Anyway, we didn’t get out of this game unscathed. Jamal Adams hurt his shoulder. Apparently it’s NOT the shoulder he hurt earlier this season, which means he now has two bum shoulders. I don’t know what the outlook is for him playing this upcoming Saturday, but I guess we’ll find out later today.

We’re set to host the Rams in the afternoon, which isn’t ideal, but is pretty much in line with what I was expecting. I’m sure I’ll have more later in the week, but for now we close the book on the regular season and get to the part that REALLY matters!

Breaking my heart in the most wrenching fashion possible.

Seahawks Do Just Enough To Defeat Football Team

Look, a 20-15 win is a 20-15 win. We’re on to the Rams.

The Seahawks looked great for most of the first three quarters of this one. The gameplan was sound: get the ball out of Wilson’s hands before he gets killed. That meant short, quick passes (with a long of only 15 yards, and very few shots deep downfield, all incomplete); he completed 18/27 for 121 yards and quite frankly was just SLIGHTLY off all day. We nearly had a long TD to Freddie Swain, but one of his feet came down out of bounds. We had David Moore wide open down the other sideline, but he overshot him by about two yards out of the back of the endzone. Wilson’s lone pick was a tipped ball that looked to be heading into heavy coverage.

It seemed to me that Wilson had it beaten into his brain that this Washington defensive front was going to destroy him, and he was a little jittery as a result. Which, you know, the way he’s taken a beating this season, I don’t blame him! Probably better to be a half second too early than a half second too late against this unit.

And either way, it worked. With Dwayne Haskins at quarterback, the Seahawks’ defense didn’t need to do too much, and quite frankly shouldn’t have had to do too much! So, why put Wilson in harm’s way in a game we can just eke out the way we did?

Haskins was as miserable as ever through most of the first three quarters of this one. He ended up completing 38/55 for 295 yards, but only a 5.4 yards per attempt average. He’s not accurate. He’s ESPECIALLY not accurate down field. We never had to worry about that, and as a result, we could give him all the underneath routes he could handle. And, for most of the game, he couldn’t even hit THOSE receivers with any consistency. Finally, as this game headed into the final quarter, Haskins started to nail those checkdowns. But, it took drives of 14 and 11 plays and a combined 9:46 in game clock to score their two touchdowns.

Things started to look marginally worrying on Washington’s final drive of the game, as once again they were able to dink and dunk into Seattle territory. But, considering they needed a touchdown (a field goal would’ve done them no good considering how much time was left), I still felt relatively secure that Seattle would pull it out. And, sure enough, L.J. Collier and Carlos Dunlap recorded back-to-back sacks to force them into a 4th & 24 Hail Mary situation that fell incomplete to end the game.

Outside of those last three drives, the Seahawks’ defense once again looked phenomenal! They had four more sacks on the day (including number 9.5 by Jamal Adams), hit the quarterback 8 times, and knocked down 7 passes. Also, not for nothing, but we had two interceptions in this one, and I’m honestly surprised we didn’t get more! D.J. Reed was a man possessed, mostly stifling Scary Terry. And Shaquill Griffin seemed to rarely see any targets in this one at all. Most of Washington’s offense went through the tight end and running back checkdowns, which we will take all day.

Offensively for the Seahawks, the story was all about the run game. 181 yards on 26 carries for the team. Carlos Hyde had a 50-yard touchdown to kick off the second half. Chris Carson led the way with 63 on 15 carries. Even Wilson had a 38-yard scramble; he finished with 52 yards on 6 carries.

The receivers didn’t do much in this one, as it looked like it was tough to get open, especially in the second half. There was a scare early on, when it looked like D.K. Metcalf might’ve rolled an ankle or torn a knee ligament, but he finished the game in okay shape.

There were some developments this week, as the Seahawks advanced to 10-4 and officially clinched a playoff spot. The Saints lost to the Chiefs, to drop to 10-4. The Packers had no trouble winning to take the lead in the race to the top seed at 11-3. BUT, the craziest thing of the entire season happened in the afternoon: the Rams lost – at home – to the winless Jets. That means the Rams are now 9-5 and – if we beat them next week – we will clinch the NFC West title. That’s the good news.

The bad news, of course, is that if we hadn’t screwed that Giants game, next week wouldn’t matter as long as we beat the 49ers in Week 17. Also, if we hadn’t screwed that Giants game, we’d still be in legitimate contention for the #1 seed. But, that’s in the past; spilled milk and all that.

Here’s what we’ve got to look forward to: the Seahawks currently have the 3-seed. Assuming things stay the same the rest of the way – and we beat the Rams to win the division – that means we’d end up playing the 6-seed in the first round of the playoffs. The Saints currently have a tiebreaker edge over Seattle because they’ve won one more conference game (they would need to lose to either the Vikings or Panthers the next two weeks to fall under us).

Right now the Rams and Bucs are tied at 9-5, with the Rams having a tiebreaker edge over the Bucs because they beat them head-to-head. The Bucs finish up against Detroit and Atlanta, two terrible squads. Now, the Seahawks MUST win the NFC West … but there’s a strong chance that – in doing so – we will knock the Rams into the 6th seed, meaning we will have to play them again in the first round of the playoffs.

The last thing we want is to have to play as a Wild Card team, but the second-to-last thing we want is to have to play the fucking Rams for a third time! So, there’s something else to fucking dread, just in case you needed a put-me-down (the opposite of a pick-me-up?) as we slide into Christmas this week.

Nobody Wants To Hear About My Fantasy Team 2020: It’s Time To Pound Some Cunth!

  • Pre-Season Week 1 HERE – Here We Fucking Go Again
  • Pre-Season Week 2 HERE – Corona-Draft Prep
  • Fantasy Draft HERE – Nobody Beats The Wiz!
  • Week 1 HERE – Crisis Averted!
  • Week 2 HERE – Everything That Could Go Wrong
  • Week 3 HERE – Some Nobody Did, In Fact, Beat The Wiz!
  • Week 4 HERE – Literally Everyone Beats The Fucking Wiz
  • Week 5 HERE – Signs Of Life!
  • Week 6 HERE – And Tua All A Good Night
  • Week 7 HERE – Tua Be Or Not Tua Be, That Is The Question
  • Week 8 HERE – Tua Thine Own Self Be True
  • Week 9 HERE – Tua The Window, Tua The Wall!!!
  • Week 10 HERE – Tua Infinity & Beyond!
  • Week 11 HERE – Tua Err Is Human
  • Week 12 HERE – Although We’ve Come Tua The End Of The Road
  • Week 13 HERE – Tua No Avail

At the risk of putting this column’s stink on my other fantasy league, honestly I don’t know how I could do any worse, since I limped into the playoffs over there riding the wave of a four-game losing streak. But, here’s the thing: Nobody Beats The Wiz took his first round playoff exit like a man, and all that’s left is the Fifth Place Game (going up against the heavily-favored Space Forcin’ for the right to draft fifth in next year’s fantasy draft; I would otherwise draft sixth if I lose).

Colinoscopy Time beat me 171.10 to 149.95. That’s probably not a surprising score if you’ve been following my team all year, but it’s particularly heartbreaking when two of my guys got injured VERY early in their respective games (DeVante Parker and Deebo Samuel), netting me a combined 0.90 points. If they had simply gotten what they were projected to get, I would have won easily. If I had substituted them for my two bench receivers, I would’ve won even easier. Alas, that’s the way it goes sometimes.

The Rams’ defense really got me off to a fantastic start, scoring 33 against the Patriots. Tua was next up with a SOLID 32.2. A.J. Brown and Kirk Cousins also scored over 20 to keep me somewhat respectable.

Fuck it though, it’s time to talk about my other league!

MacGruber!

If you’ve never seen the film MacGruber, then a team name like Pound Some Cunth might not make a lot of sense. But also, come on, you get it. Anyway, the rules of the other league are remarkably similar, except it’s only a four-team playoff. And, instead of having a mandatory tight end and one FLEX spot, I have two FLEX spots where you can play a tight end (or two) if you want (also, no kickers in this league, because kickers are dumb).

A team called Look At Me Run did indeed run away with the regular season, with a 12-2 record. But! Pound Some Cunth was NOT far behind! I started out 8-2, keeping pace with the consensus best team in the league, but have since gotten quite unlucky. I scored the second-most points in the league by a pretty significant margin this season, making me the best of the three 8-6 teams to make the playoffs. I’ve also had the second-most points scored against me, to show how unlucky I’ve been.

I rode an early-season blitzkrieg thanks to my super-studs: Russell Wilson, D.K. Metcalf, Dalvin Cook, Drew Brees, Terry McLaurin, and Tee Higgins (who was elite until Joe Burrow got injured). Once Brees went down – forcing me into starting Taysom Hill – it’s been quite a shitshow; not necessarily Hill’s fault, either! Wilson has stunk, my various 49ers players (Raheem Mostert, Deebo Samuel, Brandon Aiyuk) have all missed chunks of the season with injuries and/or COVID, and I was forced into trading away Miles Sanders in the middle of the season to help fill out my roster (getting Cooper Kupp and Kareem Hunt back, while also trading away Kirk Cousins to complete the deal).

This week, Pound Some Cunth is going up against Vinegar Strokes – the two sexiest names in the league, apologies to Vagician’s Assistant and 50 Shades Of Gritty – in the 2 vs. 3 matchup (my brother, Beer Thirty, is the sacrificial lamb facing Look At Me Run). Here’s the loaded roster I’ve got going:

  • Russell Wilson (QB) @ WA
  • Taysom Hill (QB) vs. KC
  • D.K. Metcalf (WR) @ WA
  • Terry McLaurin (WR) vs. SEA
  • Dalvin Cook (RB) vs. CHI
  • Cam Akers (RB) vs. NYJ
  • Cooper Kupp (WR) vs. NYJ
  • Brandon Aiyuk (WR) @ DAL
  • Cleveland (DEF) @ NYG

I don’t love the Seahawks’ offense at Washington, nor do I love Scary Terry’s prospects against a resurgent Seahawks defense. My flex receivers should be okay, but they can be weirdly hit-or-miss. I’m mostly going with the Browns because I know how bad the Giants’ offense CAN be, and I’m hoping they prove me sage this time around. Cam Akers was a new pick-up this week, and he’s been GOING OFF for the Rams the last couple games. So, I’m hoping he eats the Jets’ defense for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

And, here is what Vinegar Strokes will be throwing against me:

  • Lamar Jackson (QB) vs. JAX
  • Matt Ryan (QB) vs. TB
  • Davante Adams (WR) vs. CAR
  • Jamison Crowder (WR) @ LAR
  • Jonathan Taylor (RB) vs. HOU
  • David Montgomery (RB) @ MIN
  • Brandin Cooks (WR) @ IND
  • Stefon Diggs (WR) @ DEN
  • Pittsburgh (DEF) @ CIN

He’s got some FANTASTIC matchups. Pittsburgh, Lamar, Davante, and Jonathan should all destroy. I’m going to need the other guys to have abnormally bad games, and I’m also going to need my team to over-perform.

This is really the best fantasy team I’ve fielded in quite a while. When Russell Wilson was in MVP mode, I was tough to beat. But, lately it’s just been one continuous slump that I’m hoping can turn around as of this week. I just need to go 2-0 over the next two weeks and I can win this league! I haven’t done so great since I took myself out of the commissioner’s seat in the original league and started this Splinter League (so I could set my own rules and keep them the way I want them forever), as you can see by my finishes:

  • 2019 – BrundleFly: 3rd Place
  • 2018 – ManChine: 5th Place
  • 2017 – Gamel Of Thrones: 3rd Place
  • 2016 – PimpDaddySupreme: 5th Place
  • 2015 – Toad Load Weekly: 3rd Place

As you can see, I’ve broken the streak of 3rd-5th-3rd-5th-3rd place finishes, so CLEARLY Pound Some Cunth is something special. We’ll see if that’s actually the case or not!

Next week, I’ll have an answer to that, as well as talk about my potential keepers in my regular league. It’s all happening!

The Seahawks Did, In Fact, Destroy The Jets

You knew this was going to happen. After the utterly disgusting effort put forth against the Giants, the Seahawks SURELY were going to make mincemeat of a winless Jets team. This is one of those performances – a 40-3 blowout in every facet of the game – that papers over a lot of what’s been wrong with the Seahawks since the BYE week, but don’t let it lull you into a false sense of security. This is still THAT team, it just had the great fortune to play against one of the very worst teams in a generation.

This felt like a pre-season game. To the point that Geno Smith got to lead the offense for the entire fourth quarter! We had backups playing across the board (as much as you can, anyway, with regular season roster sizes being what they are) for the final frame, and it was a refreshing change of pace. We don’t see many blowout Seahawks victories. I savored every minute of it.

While, again, recognizing it for the aberration that it was. There’s nothing to learn from a game like this. Russell Wilson threw for 206 yards and 4 touchdowns (while still managing to mix in a horrible interception). Chris Carson ran the ball 12 times for 76 yards and a touchdown; he looked closer to his usual self, but I don’t know if he’ll ever be all the way back to 100% this season. D.K. Metcalf led all receivers with 6 catches for 61 yards and a TD; but Wilson did a great job of spreading the ball around in this one.

Defensively, without Carlos Dunlap, we still managed three more sacks (including one for Jamal Adams, giving him 8.5 on the season, which is an NFL record for most sacks by a defensive back), and were in Sam Darnold’s face all day. It was an especially-refreshing defensive show because we didn’t give up tons of garbage points and yards late. We kept our foot on their necks and didn’t let up; that should help our season-end totals in both regards (obviously the three points is the best we’ve managed all season, as were the 185 total yards).

The only bad thing to come out of this one is Brandon Shell re-injured his ankle. Why we rushed him back to play against his old team is beyond me, but I guess you’ve gotta keep the players happy some way or another. Now, who knows when he’ll be able to return? Hopefully by the start of the playoffs, but we’ve still got three important games left that we NEED to win if we want to take the division and host a game in January.

Otherwise, it was a good game by the Seahawks that I think we needed – if nothing else – to get everyone back on the bandwagon. Those were some dark days following that Giants loss. Now, it’s time to keep the positive momentum going against Washington.

Nobody Wants To Hear About My Fantasy Team 2020: Tua No Avail

  • Pre-Season Week 1 HERE – Here We Fucking Go Again
  • Pre-Season Week 2 HERE – Corona-Draft Prep
  • Fantasy Draft HERE – Nobody Beats The Wiz!
  • Week 1 HERE – Crisis Averted!
  • Week 2 HERE – Everything That Could Go Wrong
  • Week 3 HERE – Some Nobody Did, In Fact, Beat The Wiz!
  • Week 4 HERE – Literally Everyone Beats The Fucking Wiz
  • Week 5 HERE – Signs Of Life!
  • Week 6 HERE – And Tua All A Good Night
  • Week 7 HERE – Tua Be Or Not Tua Be, That Is The Question
  • Week 8 HERE – Tua Thine Own Self Be True
  • Week 9 HERE – Tua The Window, Tua The Wall!!!
  • Week 10 HERE – Tua Infinity & Beyond!
  • Week 11 HERE – Tua Err Is Human
  • Week 12 HERE – Although We’ve Come Tua The End Of The Road

Well, I lucked out winning the previous four weeks, because if I’d bungled any one of them I’d be relegated to the Consolation Bracket. Instead, with my 7-6 record, I managed to sneak into the playoffs as the sixth and final seed. I really had no shot against Sausage Shaped Pest, who annihilated me 193 to 136.45.

He got almost 40 out of Derek Carr and 45 points from Carr’s tight end Darren Waller, with another 27.3 from Justin Jefferson (remember when I had him on my team oh-so-briefly, earlier this season?); those three guys alone practically did enough to beat me! As for my team, I’m still getting great effort out of Kirk Cousins (28.45), and my kicker finally had a huge game (17). But, my sweet, simple Tua only got me 21.1, and I took a full-on goose-egg from CEH (who I had to throw into my second running back spot, because Josh Jacobs was injured).

In Nobody Beats The Wiz Bench News, Carson Wentz has finally been replaced at quarterback by the Philadelphia Eagles, in favor of Jalen Hurts. So, he’s now useless to me. I’m down to Cousins and Tua, but I probably have to hang onto Ryan Fitzpatrick just in case Tua has to sit again. What a nightmare! Wentz has SO MUCH guaranteed money left on his contract; I don’t know what the Eagles are going to do.

So, here’s how the playoff seeding works: the top two teams (Sloane N Steady and The Lance Petemans) get a BYE this upcoming week. Then, the 3-seed plays the 6-seed, while the 4-seed plays the 5-seed. The top two teams ended up with 9-4 records; third place is 8-5, and the rest are 7-6 (including me, who has the fewest points scored among all the playoff teams).

Everyone in the “Wild Card” round was trying to scramble to not play Space Forcin’. Somehow, through my sheer incompetence, I managed to do just that! As the 6-seed, I play Colinoscopy Time, while Crazy N8’s Prostates (who leapfrogged me this past week) has the ill-fortune to get Space Forcin’. The winner of my game plays 2-seed The Lance Petemans; the winner of the other game goes up against 1-seed Sloane N Steady.

Last week I promised you a rundown of all my season finishes dating back to 2003, when we started running a Yahoo! league. I’ll list them out really quickly here, noting for the record that 2010 was the first year we had the trophy (as you’ll see, my only championships were in years BEFORE the trophy, which has been a constant source of misery for me):

  • 2019 – Space Pirates!: 8th Place
  • 2018 – King Flippy Nips: 4th Place
  • 2017 – Mr. Poopy Butthole: 4th Place
  • 2016 – Shittin’ Clits: 8th Place
  • 2015 – Catalina Wine Mixer: 6th Place
  • 2014 – Honky Hoedown: 4th Place
  • 2013 – Wanna Kiss Dicks?: 5th Place
  • 2012 – Leaky Submarine: 10th Place
  • 2011 – The Jake Sucks: 7th Place
  • 2010 – Macho Headgames: 2nd Place
  • 2009 – Hot Beef Injection: 1st Place
  • 2008 – The Vers Stopper: 3rd Place
  • 2007 – Washington: 6th Place
  • 2006 – Goodnight Honeytits: 8th Place
  • 2005 – Titty-Fuck Jake’sMom: 7th Place
  • 2004 – Ray Finkle: 1st Place
  • 2003 – Must Win Out: 5th Place

A few notes: for starters, there’s a 20-character limit on team names, so keep that in mind when you see some creative spellings/line spacings. Also, after the first few years, the league had to institute a rule – due to my shenanigans – where the name you choose at the beginning of the year is the name you’re stuck with; I would often change my team’s name from week-to-week depending on if I was losing or not. I’ll never top Hot Beef Injection as a team OR a team name (though, I have a fondness for Wanna Kiss Dicks?, as I feel that made everyone REALLY uncomfortable to ever have to say or read on their screens).

I should also point out that 2014 was the first year we expanded the playoffs from four to six teams (a rule that I recommended at the start of the year, I might add, thanks to Wanna Kiss Dicks?’ heartbreaking finish on the outside-looking-in). Honky Hoedown went into the playoffs as the #1 seed; we were a JUGGERNAUT! The sixth place team, on the other hand, barely limped into the playoffs, yet he got hot at the right time and won three games in a row. Had the playoffs been limited to just the four teams (oh yes, I went back and did the math), my name would’ve been on that trophy for that season. Instead, it continues to be my white whale …

All right, so let’s get into the playoff week. Unless Colinoscopy Time totally falls on his face, breaks his nose, and simultaneously shits his pants while suffering a brain aneurysm, I’m going to lose this week. Losing this week means I’ll be playing for 5th place next week (and, as such, the right to draft 5th overall in next year’s draft; the highest I can possibly draft since I made the playoffs). It’s actually a curse to be the worst team to make the playoffs, so I don’t know why the fantasy football gods decided to put this on me. I mean, obviously they hate me! That much is clear. But why? And what can I do to atone for my sins?

Anyway, here’s my shitty roster with my even-shittier matchups:

  • Kirk Cousins (QB) @ TB
  • Tua Tagovailoa (QB) vs. KC
  • A.J. Brown (WR) @ JAX
  • DeVante Parker (WR) vs. KC
  • Ezekiel Elliott (RB) @ CIN
  • Josh Jacobs (RB) vs. IND
  • Dallas Goedert (TE) vs. NO
  • Deebo Samuel (WR) vs. WAS
  • Harrison Butker (K) @ MIA
  • L.A. Rams (DEF) vs. NE

And here’s the list of guys who are going to murder me:

  • Deshaun Watson (QB) @ CHI
  • Ben Roethlisberger (QB) @ BUF
  • D.K. Metcalf (WR) vs. NYJ
  • Stefon Diggs (WR) vs. PIT
  • Derrick Henry (RB) @ JAX
  • Ronald Jones (RB) vs. MIN
  • Robert Tonyan (TE) @ DET
  • Jamison Crowder (WR) @ SEA
  • Zane Gonzalez (K) @ NYG
  • Tennessee (DEF) @ JAX

He’s also got James White and D’Andre Swift at running back, Marquise Brown as an alternative at his FLEX spot, and Cam Newton at quarterback if he wanted to get cute with his matchups (going against my defense). I don’t know if I love a lot of his matchups either, but his players are SO MUCH better. Derrick Henry alone will surely score 30+, and don’t even get me started on D.K. Metcalf!

Well, it’s been an improbable run so far, but we finally made it. The playoffs are everything you imagine them to be. It’s exciting, because you never know who will get hot at the right time. It’s also a huge source of dread, because I know it won’t be me.

I guess there’s always my other league, where I’ve been on a 3-game losing streak, yet somehow still hold onto the #2 spot in the standings. I’ll still make it into the playoffs, but it doesn’t feel good to limp in, I’ll tell you that much!