Nobody Wants To Hear About My Fantasy Team 2021: How Low Can We Go?

Snoopy & Prickly Pete lost to Sloane N Steady 178.00 – 115.33. Thankfully, it didn’t matter that I started A.J. Brown over D.K. Metcalf (a 20-point swing), nor did it matter that I started Taylor Heinicke over Jameis Winston (a 26.15-point swing), because I got very little out of Mac Jones, CEH landed on the IR, Justin Tucker somehow only got me 3 points in game where the Ravens scored 31, and Noah Fant did Noah Fant things (which involve, almost exclusively, disappointing me). Of course, benching Metcalf, and continuing to refuse to start Jameis speaks to my poor fantasy football instincts. Should I even be allowed to run this team anymore? I’ll take your answer off the air.

That game dropped me to 1-4 on the season, in last place (tied with another 1-4 team, but he has over 100 more points than me).

Someone dropped 49ers running back Trey Sermon, so I made him a waiver claim this week. He’s not doing much of anything right now, but this whole year is dedicated to playing for next year, so my goal is to keep him (and pray he ends the year as a viable replacement for CEH). I waived Jimmy G, who has exhausted all his usefulness to me. He won’t be the starting quarterback there for long, and he’s obviously not a keeper candidate, so there’s no point in dragging his carcass through the season.

Once my claim went through, I needed to make another move. Because, with CEH officially hitting the IR, I needed to pick up a second running back to play this week. The only other running back I had on my roster was another 49er – Jeff Wilson – who is on the PUP list and won’t return for another few weeks. So, I dropped him, moved CEH to my IR spot, and picked up Bears running back Khalil Herbert.

Herbert took a bunch of snaps away from Damien Williams last week – who both played in pretty much a 50/50 share with David Montgomery on the shelf – but is slated to get the lion’s share of the running back load with Williams on the COVID IR. I very well may have to stream a second running back from week to week, but here’s hoping Herbert turns out to be something.

Here’s my lineup for Week 6:

  • Taylor Heinicke (QB) vs. KC
  • Mac Jones (QB) vs. DAL
  • Diontae Johnson (WR) vs. SEA
  • D.K. Metcalf (WR) @ PIT
  • Ezekiel Elliott (RB) @ NE
  • Khalil Herbert (RB) vs. GB
  • Noah Fant (TE) vs. LV
  • CeeDee Lamb (WR) @ NE
  • Justin Tucker (K) vs. LAC
  • L.A. Rams (DEF) @ NYG

This week, Jameis is on a BYE, and Justin Fields is going up against Green Bay. Fields had a season-high 11.95 points last week against the Raiders in a victory. He didn’t have to do much and doesn’t seem to be anywhere close to a viable fantasy quarterback. I don’t love the Mac Jones matchup against the Cowboys – whereas Fields against a poor Packers defense might actually be interesting – but at least Jones has a couple 20-point games under his belt. I need to see literally ANYTHING from Fields before I can put him back in my starting lineup.

With Trey Sermon also on a BYE, the only other skill guy I have is A.J. Brown. I’m benching him because he still fucking sucks, though I may insert him over Metcalf, because I don’t trust Geno Smith to get him the ball as far as I can throw him. I may also have my hand forced because Metcalf is dealing with injury issues and could possibly sit for this game.

I’m going up against Space Forcin’, who had two guys go last night:

  • Patrick Mahomes (QB) @ WAS
  • Tom Brady (QB) @ PHI
  • Davante Adams (WR) @ CHI
  • Chris Godwin (WR) @ PHI
  • Antonio Gibson (RB) vs. KC
  • Chase Edmonds (RB) @ CLE
  • Dalton Schultz (TE) @ NE
  • Brandin Cooks (WR) @ IND
  • Matt Prater (K) @ CLE
  • Carolina (DEF) vs. MIN

Brady and Godwin already combined for 14 points under their expected totals, which should help a great deal. Mahomes, on the other hand, could easily make up for that all by himself (against a TERRIBLE Football Team defense). I don’t love Edmonds against the Browns, and I think Schultz could be in for a long game against the Pats. Luckily, I avoided Alvin Kamara, who is on BYE this week.

I’m happy I got the 49ers running back, but I’m still pretty dismayed that zero of the quarterbacks on my roster have emerged. This is not the way I wanted this season to go.

Splinter League Round-Up!

I kicked some fuckin’ ass last week, over the guy who had Lamar Jackson and his 60+ points. It was my first 200-point week! My lowest total came from my 49ers defense, and that was still a respectable 11 points. This week, I’m already in a huge fucking hole, though, as both Evans and Godwin stunk it up last night. Kamara is on bye, which hurts, but I get another week out of Hubbard. I also managed to nab the Colts’ defense, with the 49ers on BYE; they’re expected to CRUSH Houston, so watch them give up 35 points. I can’t keep playing .500 ball all year and expect to make the 4-team playoffs! My team is too good for this!

The Seahawks Get Their Thursday Night Game Out Of The Way Relatively Early This Season

You kind of have to throw out analysis and expectations when it comes to Thursday Night games, especially for the Seahawks. I was legitimately shocked to hear that we’re 9-1 on Thursday Night in the Russell Wilson era. You know what’s even crazier? That one loss was in 2012 – his rookie season – meaning we’re on a 9-game winning streak! And these aren’t just creampuff games; it’s almost always against a divisional opponent (who always play us tough, home or away) and oftentimes against a very good version of those divisional opponents.

Two years ago, we had that unlikely victory against the Rams that we won because their kicker BARELY missed a game-winning field goal. Last year, we were coming off of two straight horrible road losses – to the Bills and Rams – and managed to right the ship against a frisky Cardinals team (that only faltered down the stretch last season when their quarterback got injured).

It feels very Seahawky to be this mediocre version of ourselves, start the season 1-2, and yet win back-to-back divisional games against superior opponents to turn things around. I’m really trying to see how that’s possible this time, but I’m struggling.

The Rams are fucking GOOD this year. I don’t know what happened to them against the Cardinals last week, but I have an idea. I think the Cards’ front seven is just good enough to generate lots of pressure (even if they don’t always get home on sacks), and I think they have a lockdown secondary that was able to neutralize Cooper Kupp (5 receptions for 64 yards, on 13 targets, and 0 touchdowns) and force other guys to try to beat them. When Van Jefferson is the Rams’ leading receiver, the Rams aren’t going to win many ballgames.

The Seahawks don’t have that secondary. Even though they played better against the 49ers, you saw the game Deebo Samuel had (8 for 156 and 2 TDs)! There’s no way we’re going to be able to hold that offense to a .500 3rd/4th down conversion rate like the Cardinals did.

Which means, ideally, we’d have to score in the mid-to-high 30’s to keep up. Doing that against the Rams’ defense? That chronically makes Russell Wilson’s life miserable? That has always shut down D.K. Metcalf and got all up in his head while doing so? I can’t see it.

But, I’ve said similar things in the lead-up to a lot of these Thursday Night games recently, and look at our record.

As I always say, I hate Thursday Night Football. How many players have we lost for the year on Thursday Night because they were playing through a nagging injury and it finally snapped? Now I hear that both Metcalf and Lockett are playing hurt, and my ears perk up. Just seems like a no-brainer that one of them goes down with something severe, because they haven’t had enough time to recover since the last hard-fought game.

Not for nothing, but I would LOVE Thursday Night Football if every team had two bye weeks, and one of those bye weeks landed the week prior to TNF. That way you get a week and a half off, play a game, and have a naturally built-in week and a half off until the next one. I don’t know why it’s so hard to make this work. Just extend the season by another week – which gets you an extra week of television rights – and your teams are hopefully all the healthier as a result (which is a better product to showcase to those networks).

But, I digress. It wouldn’t TOTALLY floor me if the Seahawks won tonight, but my expectations are mighty low. The Rams just feel like a better team from top to bottom, plus they kind of have our number. The only thing going for us is that it’s at home, but that’s only a 2.5-hour flight from L.A. so how hard could that be? The 12’s didn’t prevent Tennessee from coming in here and whupping our behinds.

My guess is that the Rams will be up by a couple scores late, the Seahawks will drive for a garbage-time touchdown, and then screw up the onside kick because they let Dickson do that useless drop-kick thing that never works. 32-24 Rams.

Nobody Wants To Hear About My Fantasy Team 2021: Going Down Without A Fight

I’m just going to say this right now: I picked the best-possible weekend to get away to Leavenworth, because almost NOTHING went right for me, sports-wise. On top of the Mariners and Huskies bungling things, all three of my fantasy teams collectively shit their respective beds!

Snoopy & Prickly Pete lost to Toot Cannons 157.48 to 129.90. With a score that feeble, you’d expect my team had problems throughout the lineup, but really it was just a matter of having the worst quarterback situation in the league, combined with the Rams’ defense getting boat-raced.

My position players – save CeeDee Lamb, who mystifyingly did nothing in a game where the Cowboys scored 36 points (it happens, I guess) – all did okay! Metcalf had 16.5 points, Zeke got me 20.3, even CEH got me 19.4. Noah Fant had a respectable tight end day with 16.6, and Diontae Johnson busted out with 24.2 (making the waiver claim my highest scorer on the week). I even got 13 points from my kicker! I would take those scores from those guys every week and be happy.

But, Jimmy G was held to 10.25 points (before being pulled with a “calf injury” at halftime), and Justin Fields was held to 7.35. If I’d gone with Jameis and Mac Jones, I could’ve added approximately 21 points to my total, but that still wouldn’t have made up for the -1 I got from the Rams’ defense. I was just destined to lose this game.

Toot Cannons didn’t blow my doors off or anything; he didn’t put up 200+ like you can in this league. But, he had competent quarterbacks, and a huge day from Saquon Barkley, Najee Harris, Justin Jefferson, and Darren Waller. Those are the kinds of young studs I wish I had.

I managed to get Taylor Heinicke in a waiver claim, which I feel like is the last possible moment someone can get this guy. He’s been good-to-great since he’s been in the lineup! Certainly better than any of my quarterbacks I’ve been rolling with. He put up 36.8 against the Falcons for Christ’s sake! I don’t know if he’s a viable long-term option, but for the rest of this year he’s a must-start for me until things take a turn for the worse.

I have lots of other last-minute decisions to make this week, because I’ve got lots of guys who are KINDA injured, but might still play. What I want to do is bench D.K. Metcalf, because Jalen Ramsey always makes him his bitch. But, I don’t know if A.J. Brown is going to for-sure play or not, and with my bench structured the way it is (with all these quarterbacks), it’s not like I’m loaded with alternatives to start at the rest of my spots. Plus, even if Brown plays – it’s a great matchup against a terrible Jags defense – who knows if he’ll just be out there as a decoy, or if he’ll actually be incorporated into the offense? If Brown suits up, I might put him in for Diontae Johnson (who has a tough matchup against the Broncos), but like I said, that’ll be a last-minute decision (that I’m sure I’ll get wrong, no matter what I choose).

I really have a conundrum at the QB spot. Jimmy G may or may not go; I like his chances for a high-scoring game against the Cards, as they will need to throw a lot to stay in it. Justin Fields may or may not go, with Andy Dalton on the mend; but he’s yet to score over 8 fantasy points in our league, so is he worth starting at this point, after doing nothing against the Lions? I’m leaning Jameis against the Washington Football Team, but he keeps getting TDs sniped inside the 10 yard line by the bane of my existence Taysom Hill. Mac Jones looked semi-competent against the Bucs and has a solid matchup against the lowly Texans.

So, I dunno what I’ll do. Here’s how my lineup tentatively shakes out for Week 5:

  • Taylor Heinicke (QB) vs. NO
  • Mac Jones (QB) @ HOU
  • D.K. Metcalf (WR) vs. LAR
  • Diontae Johnson (WR) vs. DEN
  • Ezekiel Elliott (RB) vs. NYG
  • Clyde Edwards-Helaire (RB) vs. BUF
  • Noah Fant (TE) @ PIT
  • CeeDee Lamb (WR) vs. NYG
  • Justin Tucker (K) vs. IND
  • L.A. Rams (DEF) @ SEA

Justin Tucker is my favorite person on the planet. I’m hoping for a big bounce-back game out of Lamb. Zeke looks rejuvenated with Dak back in the fold. And, I fully expect the Rams to make Russell Wilson’s life miserable all game long.

My opponent this week is Sloane N Steady. I’m currently in 9th place with a 1-3 record; he is currently in 10th place with a 1-3 record (only two points separate us). It’s a rumble for last place! You hate to see it. Here’s what I have to go against:

  • Aaron Rodgers (QB) @ CIN
  • Derek Carr (QB) vs. CHI
  • Mike Evans (WR) vs. MIA
  • Michael Pittman Jr. (WR) @ BAL
  • Nick Chubb (RB) @ LAC
  • Dalvin Cook (RB) vs. DET
  • Kyle Pitts (TE) vs. NYJ
  • Kareem Hunt (RB) @ LAC
  • TBD (K) vs. TBD
  • San Francisco (DEF) @ ARI

He’s got good quarterbacks, he’s got elite running backs, so I don’t totally get why he’s doing so poorly this year. His receivers are a little lacking, but it seems like he could fix that in free agency. And, it feels like it’s only a matter of time before Kyle Pitts busts out.

I don’t like my chances, but then again I never do. I think I’ll have sole possession of last place when this week is done, and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to climb out of it the rest of the year. I just need to figure something out for the Consolation Bracket and try to finagle my way into a Top 2 pick for next year.

Splinter League Round-Up!

I’m starting to regret adding this segment to my weekly fantasy column, because BUCK FUTTER has lost two games in four weeks now; I was projected to lose only one all season! I don’t know what happened, but my non-QBs totally shit the bed. Chuba Hubbard was a waste of a waiver claim, and Waddle and Godwin did practically nothing. I’ll try to right the ship next week, but it’s like I’m getting everyone’s best efforts every week.

The Uninformed Seahawks Fan Writes About A Game He Didn’t Watch

You know what I was doing last weekend? I was in Leavenworth, Washington, having just a delightful little two-day get-away. You know what I wasn’t doing? Watching the Mariners fritter away their post-season chances, watching the Huskies blow it against the Beavers, and watching the Seahawks start out their game against the 49ers with FIVE STRAIGHT 3 & Outs.

This is how Seattle sports were meant to be enjoyed: from a distance, and largely sight-unseen.

I was able to spare myself the agita of all this turmoil. I’m sure I prevented numerous blood pressure spikes. Hell, maybe I even staved off a stroke or a heart attack; I could be saving my own life by ignoring what happens on the Seattle sports scene!

Of course, the downside is that I missed what turned out to be a nifty little comeback victory for the Seahawks. I missed getting to see our defense step up in a major way, holding the 49ers to 7 first half points, while generating two turnovers and forcing six punts on the day. I missed our offense mounting three impressive touchdown drives and taking advantage of a turnover for a fourth TD on the day. I missed a Seahawks divisional road victory against a hated rival.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy with the trade-off, because I can imagine how stressful that game was for a lot of people, and how stressful it would’ve been for me.

It strikes me that this Seahawks offense with Russell Wilson is never going to work properly if we’re not running the ball effectively. That’s not a new concept; we hear this all the time from Pete Carroll. Fans roll their eyes, statheads piss and moan, but if you noticed all the 3 & Outs to start the game, then you can understand. That doesn’t mean running just to run, or running into a brick wall of a stacked box. Running effectively means the linemen still need to do their jobs, and it means Wilson is checking into running plays at appropriate times. The offense was pretty pass-happy on those first five drives, with lots of attempts to receivers near the line of scrimmage. But, those plays failed – leaving us in 3rd & Medium-to-Long situations – and the 49ers’ front was able to tee off on us. All three of their sacks took place in this stretch. Then, the Seahawks figured out how to run the ball, and things started to shift.

Wilson ended up having a quietly effective game, throwing for 149 yards and 2 touchdowns, while running for a third. Alex Collins had a big day off the bench with 44 rushing yards on 10 carries (with a TD), and 2 receptions for 34 yards (including our first 1st Down of the day).

This game was notable for Trey Lance getting the first extended play of his young career, taking over for Jimmy G at halftime (allegedly due to an injury). I’m told he looked just okay, but that’s probably to be expected. He still put up some pretty decent numbers (157 passing yards on an 8.7 yards-per-attempt average, with 2 TDs; as well as 41 rushing yards on 7 attempts). Sight unseen, I’m definitely more afraid of Lance long-term than I am of Jimmy G – who mounted a TD drive on their first possession of the game, then didn’t do much else beyond that – but it sounds like Jimmy G will get another crack at holding down the starting job next week.

On the defensive side of the ball, we got to see Sidney Jones take over for Tre Flowers, which is exciting! Other than a long TD he gave up, it sounds like he was much stickier than Flowers in coverage. As a whole, it sounds like the secondary played much better, which is nice to hear. Darrell Taylor got another sack, and Jordyn Brooks got his first.

I fully expected the Seahawks to buck the odds and prevail in this one, so I wasn’t totally surprised to see the end result. I don’t think this means things are fixed, or that we don’t have to worry anymore. This is just the Seahawks being Seahawks: not too bad, but also not too great.

We get a short week with the Thursday game coming up. Pray for our guys playing through injuries – especially D.K. Metcalf and Tyler Lockett – because it’s usually during these Thursday games where those players go down for the season. The last thing this offense needs is to lose one of their studs. Especially with that turncoat Josh Gordon going to the Chiefs (as if THEY need any more offensive weapons).

The Seahawks Should Bounce Back Against The Vikings

I like how the big argument in favor of Minnesota this week is, “Ohh, the Vikings are 0-2, but they could easily be 2-0!” Give me a break. They lost in overtime to a bad Bengals team (after having multiple opportunities in said overtime), then they gave up 34 points to a fringe-playoff team in the Cardinals. I’m not impressed.

The Seahawks had to go through a tough little mini-gauntlet of AFC South teams. I think we’re prepared for what the Vikings have to offer.

I don’t see a ton of defense out of either of these teams. This could very well be another one where both teams score in the 30’s with relative ease. How they end up doing it could be pretty interesting.

I fully expect the Seahawks to gear up to stop the run, whatever it takes. Dalvin Cook won’t single-handedly kill us, and if he does, then I think it’s a clear Seahawks defeat. He might rip off a small handful of good runs, but it wouldn’t shock me to see us hold him to under 100 yards. That’s exactly what you want when you play the Vikings: make Kirk Cousins beat you. Of course, he’s got two pretty great receivers in Justin Jefferson and Adam Thielen, but he’s also Kirk Cousins. He’s going to make mistakes here and there. The Seahawks had better take advantage, or it could be a miserable day.

I’ll tell you this much: I just don’t see the Seahawks as a 1-2 team. That feels crazy to me. That also feels like something that could snowball into utter disaster, because the next few weeks’ worth of games doesn’t look any easier now that we’ve seen a small sample from everyone. Niners, Rams, Steelers, and Saints are on deck. If we lose to the Vikings, that means we could lose to anyone; 1-2 could easily be 1-6 if we’re not careful.

I know it sounds almost as crazy to think the Vikings are an 0-3 team, but is it really? They were pretty mediocre last year, and I don’t know that they’ve done anything to improve themselves.

This is a game of two defensive-minded head coaches with pretty mediocre defenses (and pretty elite offenses); on paper it should be another fun one to behold! The Vikings’ pass defense is their real Achilles heel, so this should be another get-right game for Russell Wilson. But, he needs to stay within the confines of the offense. I thought he went a little rogue in the second half against the Titans; truth be told, it seemed like he went rogue the whole game – reverting back to his old ways of only seeking out the deep balls – but it worked in the first half. If he’s not going to abide by the scheme of the guy HE wanted to run the offense, then I don’t know what the fuck we’re doing here. Other than he’s just sabotaging his way out of town, which I suppose is on the table. I wouldn’t think so, given his penchant for winning, but maybe Wilson is playing the long game. If he can sabotage his way out of town, while still making his numbers look good, all the better for whatever team he lands on next.

That unpleasantness aside, I think the Seahawks will win this week. I think last week was a bit of an early-season wake-up call, and we’ll bounce back in a big way against the Vikings. Likely, it’ll be close, and the Seahawks will either need a late score or a late stop to win it. But, I wouldn’t be shocked if we handle the Vikes in a walk-away fashion, up two scores.

I also expect D.K. Metcalf to have something in the realm of 200 yards receiving and 2 or 3 touchdowns. This is a monster game in the making.

Nobody Wants To Hear About My Fantasy Team 2021: A Week 2 Trouncing

This is more in line with what I was expecting out of Snoopy & Prickly Pete, a total and complete drubbing. Last week, I scored the 7th-most points in the league, this week it was the 8th-most (out of 10 teams), and by a considerable margin to boot.

The week was never even competitive, as Hahmez Wah 360 Allstars defeated Snoopy & Prickly Pete 172.80 – 122.50.

For starters, Jameis Winston sucked to the tune of 5.45 points (a far cry from his Week 1 output). Jimmy G did slightly better than what he was supposed to, but obviously not enough to make up for the failure that was Jameis (and the entire Saints offense, but that’s neither here nor there).

On top of which, my skill guys did very little. Ezekiel Elliott and CeeDee Lamb had relatively productive games in a low-scoring affair; Noah Fant got me a TD from the tight end spot; and the Rams’ defense was pretty solid. But, D.K. Metcalf and A.J. Brown both REALLY disappointed in an otherwise high-scoring game, and CEH is who we thought he was, even though he’s getting the lion’s share of the carries in that offense. Miserable.

My opponent didn’t have a crazy day, but none of his guys slumped either. Tyler Lockett, of course, continued his hot start, and Gronk annoyingly got him 2 TDs. But, up and down, his guys just produced for him, and mine did not.

I didn’t bother making any roster moves this week, as there was no real need and no one available who interested me.

I do have an interesting possibility that I’ll have to monitor as the week goes on. Namely: will Andy Dalton return and start for the Bears? Or will Justin Fields get his first career start? I’m telling you right now, if Fields starts, I’m throwing him into my lineup immediately. I tentatively have him in there for Jameis – who is going up against the Patriots. I don’t trust Jameis against a quality defense, especially since his only weapon is a running back, and he’s never been a checkdown artist in his career. The Pats just got 4 picks off of a rookie, but Jameis is Jameis, and turnovers will likely continue to plague him against better competition. I obviously also have Mac Jones as an option, but the Saints’ defense is tough in its own right, and I’d like to see Jones actually throw more than a single TD pass in his professional career before I start using him in fantasy. Fields has higher upside, against a Cleveland defense that can be scored on. I’m not going to guarantee a high output out of him, but based on my limited options, he seems like the best of a bad situation.

Here’s what my lineup is looking like now, at press time:

  • Jimmy Garoppolo (QB) vs. GB
  • Justin Fields (QB) @ CLE
  • D.K. Metcalf (WR) @ MIN
  • A.J. Brown (WR) vs. IND
  • Ezekiel Elliott (RB) vs. PHI
  • Clyde Edwards-Helaire (RB) vs. LAC
  • Noah Fant (TE) vs. NYJ
  • CeeDee Lamb (WR) vs. PHI
  • Justin Tucker (K) @ DET
  • L.A. Rams (DEF) vs. TB

I’m ride-or-die with my 3 WRs again, expecting ANYTIME NOW for Metcalf and Brown to bust out for big games. I’m giving CEH one more week, trying to practice patience with him in the early going. My instinct is to start Ty’Son Williams at Detroit (he at least got 11.3 points against the Chiefs last week, in split duties), but I’d REALLY like to see him establish himself as the unquestioned best RB on the Ravens before I dedicate my fantasy lineup to him. Prognosticators keep saying it’s only a matter of time before CEH busts out with a big game, given the percentage of snaps/carries he gets out of the running back room. I just know as soon as I bench him, he’ll go off, so I might just continue starting him out of spite and see what happens in a throwaway year.

This week, I’m going up against Korky Butchek, who is 1-1 and in 9th place in the league (I am currently in 6th, also with a 1-1 record). He has the lowest point total of everyone in the league at the moment (there’s an unlucky 0-2 team with 14 more points than Korky), so it appears we have a matchup of two rebuilding squads. Here is his projected lineup:

  • Joe Burrow (QB) @ PIT
  • Trevor Lawrence (QB) vs. ARI
  • DeAndre Hopkins (WR) @ JAX
  • D.J. Moore (WR) @ HOU
  • David Montgomery (RB) @ CLE
  • James Robinson (RB) vs. ARI
  • George Kittle (TE) vs. GB
  • DeVonta Smith (WR) @ DAL
  • Ryan Succop (K) @ LAR
  • Indianapolis (DEF) @ TEN

Burrow against the Steelers feels like a tragedy waiting to happen. But, Lawrence should help make up for that in a likely shootout against the Cards. Hopkins will have a HUGE day, and we’ll see about Moore (I think he’s always better than I give him credit for, but who enjoys having a receiver that’s catching balls from Sam Darnold?). Montgomery is just a solid all-around back (and they will likely lean on him heavily if Fields does, indeed, make his first start). Robinson is just not as good as he was last year, but could bust out against a mediocre Cards defense. Kittle is always a strong play, especially in a primetime game. And DeVonta Smith is going up against a bad Cowboys secondary, so watch out. Hard to like his defensive matchup though; we’ll see if Korky opts to stream this week.

I dunno, it’s hard to say what will happen, but I weirdly like my chances. I won’t go guaranteeing a victory or anything, but my team can’t stay in the fucking tank forever, can it? Who knows, maybe it can!

Splinter League Round-Up!

All right, that’s more like it! I had a big, almost-30 point deficit heading into Monday night, when Aaron Rodgers bounced back in a huge way to give me a comfortable 14-point victory. I ended up scoring the second-most points in the league this week, and overall I’m in much better shape going forward. I’m in 6th place, with a 1-1 record, but I’ve got a fairly decent matchup next week.

The real bummer, if I can talk about my third league for a bit: it’s a standard league where I have Aaron Jones. I was left for dead heading into Monday, but he busted out in a HUGE way. Unfortunately, I ended up losing by less than a point, mostly because my Miami kicker got me zero points. Brutal fucking loss.

The Seahawks Were Sloppy, Inept; Lost In Overtime To The Titans

I have a very strong belief that 30 points should be enough to win any game in the NFL. If you lose a game where you score 30 points, that means your defense stinks and gave the game away. It’s a very nearly foolproof theory, but here we have the Seahawks losing to the Titans 33-30, and my first instinct is to blame the offense.

Now, don’t get me wrong, the Seahawks’ defense more than helped gift-wrap this game to the Titans; they were as undisciplined as I’ve ever seen them. They gave up 182 yards to Derrick Henry and 347 yards to Ryan Tannehill. Julio Jones had 128 yards receiving and A.J. Brown would’ve had something similar if he wasn’t on my fantasy team and therefore dropping 2 out of every 3 passes thrown his way. They couldn’t cover anyone, they took bad angles, they over-pursued in their pass rush – leaving wide-open cut-back lanes for Henry, as well as large chunks of YAC to him in the screen game. Oh, and they had about a billion stupid penalties to keep Titans’ drives alive, many of them converting third down incompletions into first downs. Late hits to the quarterback, taunting, late hits out of bounds. Just the stupidest fucking infractions that – make no mistake – the Seahawks were 100% guilty of. These are the rules the NFL has decided to put in place. All the players know these are the rules. You can bring your gripes to the NFL’s front office, but the refs on the field did their jobs in enforcing some of these idiotic rules. Some 90 year old white owner doesn’t like it when players yell at each other and show any semblance of emotion, so now we’re stuck in this world (until they finally come to realize no one enjoys the No Fun League and de-emphasize them again).

Anyway, yeah, the Seahawks’ defense could’ve drastically helped themselves by not being fucking knuckleheads. But, I’m sorry, this game is on the offense.

How do you run up a 24-9 halftime lead and lose 33-30? It’s no coincidence that the Titans’ offense exploded for everything in the second half; the Seahawks’ defense was fucking exhausted from being on the field the entire time! Time of Possession is usually a meaningless stat, but the Titans had the ball for 42:33 compared to our 22:42. You’ll take that sort of discrepancy in the first half, when the Seahawks were connecting on big plays and scoring fast touchdowns. But, the second half saw the Seahawks punt the ball on 4 out of 6 possessions (the other two were a quick-strike 68-yard TD pass to Freddie Swain, who got behind the defense somehow on 3rd & 12; and the last possession of the half, that ended because we ran out of time). The Seahawks had one drive in the second half and overtime that went almost 5 minutes (before a punt); every other possession lasted anywhere from 29 seconds to 1:54.

And, in that span, the Titans got stronger on both sides of the ball. Derrick Henry was like tackling a real life rhinoceros. He was never going to be denied when he had the ball in his hands. It’s almost insane that the Titans played for the tie at the end, because there’s no way in hell we could’ve stopped him on a 2-point conversion to win it. That’s why I’m not mad at Jason Myers for missing that extra point in the second half. This outcome was inevitable.

I don’t know, exactly, what the deal was with the offense, either. Clearly, we couldn’t run the ball. That’s a problem. I don’t think it was for want of trying, Carson had 13 carries. But, he only generated 31 yards; so, is that an offensive line issue? Is it a play-calling issue? Is it Russell Wilson having a bad game and making poor decisions? Is it the scheme?

There were a couple of frustrating moments in the first half, but otherwise I thought the offense looked as good as it did a week ago in Indy. Then, it just totally shut down, against a defense who – again – let Freddie Swain beat them for 68 yards!

I figured I’d be more upset by the loss, but to tell the truth I’m more baffled than anything. It’s like someone hit me in the head and I’m left in a daze. I know for a fact I’d be much more angry if this loss came to an NFC West opponent, or one of the other NFC contenders. But, honestly? If you’re going to lose a game, losing one to an AFC opponent isn’t the worst thing in the world. As far as tie-breakers go, it’s relatively harmless. Of course, you can’t have too many of these, because the ultimate tie-breaker is simple Win/Loss record. But, the 2021 Seahawks were never going to go undefeated. If this wakes us up and gets us to perform better and smarter against the teams we really NEED to beat, then I don’t think all hope is lost.

But, if this is foreshadowing a defense that’s going to be totally inept – either because we don’t have the talent to stop high-level offenses, or because we don’t have the coordinator to coach these guys up – and an offense that’s going to go in the tank for long stretches of games, then I guess we’ll all look back at this loss as a bad omen for the season.

My ultimate take-away is that we’re never going to see the Titans again. Their offense was always going to be a bad matchup for us. But, thankfully, no NFC team has a running back like Derrick Henry; as far as running backs go, the only scary one remaining on our schedule is Dalvin Cook next week, and I expect us to be super fired up to shut him down after being so thoroughly embarrassed on the ground this past Sunday. So, it’s not like we have to worry about the Titans competing for a playoff spot with us, or have them looming as a potential post-season opponent (yes, I understand the Super Bowl is a thing that exists, but there’s no way the Titans are making it out of the AFC). On to Minnesota.

Kudos to Lockett (8 for 178 and a TD) and Swain (5 for 95 and a TD). Anti-Kudos to Metcalf (6 for 53 on 11 targets, plus multiple penalties).

Kudos to Bobby Wagner for his 20 tackles, his sack, and his two quarterback hits. Kudos to Al Woods for being an animal in the middle (filling in for Bryan Mone, who was out injured), with 7 tackles and a sack. Kudos to Alton Robinson for his sack and forced fumble, and to Kerry Hyder for recovering that fumble and being a menace in the backfield.

Anti-Kudos to the secondary. Just, all of it. D.J. Reed had an awful taunting penalty. Tre Flowers had his usual miserable game. Quandre Diggs couldn’t contain Henry on his 60-yard touchdown. And Jamal Adams had no positive impact on this game, while negatively impacting it with his own penalties. Fucking sorry effort by the whole lot of ’em.

Also, a weird bad game from our kicking duo. Michael Dickson had at least two punts sail into the endzone, and of course, Myers had that missed extra point that loomed potentially large. I guess there’s a non-zero chance the defense might’ve stopped Henry an inch short of the goalline, or maybe the Titans would’ve run a dumb non-Henry play for the game-tying 2-point conversion had they needed it to force overtime. I dunno.

Lots to work on before next week! Maybe start with the rulebook.

Nobody Wants To Hear About My Fantasy Team 2021: Some Good & Bad In A Week 1 Win

Part of me feels like I had no business winning that first game; that’ll happen when you score the 4th (out of 5th) most points in victory (and when you score the 7th most points in total). There were only three teams I would’ve defeated, and I was lucky enough to have gone up against one of them.

But, as a seasoned fantasy football veteran, I know shit like this happens. And, at some point, my team is going to be held WAY under its expected total points, and I’m going to lose to a team that was Just Okay. The fantasy gods giveth, and the fantasy gods taketh away.

Snoopy & Prickly Pete defeated Car Talk With Josh Allen 161.88 to 123.35.

I woke up on Sunday to find that Trey Sermon was inactive. That had me scrambling to my computer to put Raheem Mostert into my lineup over Clyde Edwards-Helaire. When you roster Mostert, you know time is of the essence; there are precious few weeks in a season where he makes it through a game unscathed. In striking while the iron was hot, I figured what better opportunity to enjoy a completely-healthy Mostert?

It turns out, he was good for two carries before he injured his knee, sending him to the IR for the rest of the year.

I’m a pretty rational human being. I know, for instance, that I wasn’t the only person who was duped into starting Mostert this past week. I know I wasn’t the only person to make a last-second lineup change that backfired. But, I believe wholeheartedly that I’m the only person in the world who gets so consistently fucked over by these moves every single time. Either I make the switch, and it backfires, or I stick to my guns, and I leave points on my bench. EVERY. FUCKING. TIME.

In this case, it was hard to be too upset, because CEH only got 10.2 points – pretty much what I expected him to get against the Browns – but that’s not the point. The point is the potential of what Mostert represented, in a cupcake matchup against the Lions’ inept run defense. That was a 20+ point game in the making!

The fantasy gods, knowing they did me dirty, decided to help me out in this one. My opponent had Ryan Fitzpatrick going as one of his QBs; he made it all of 6 pass attempts before going down with an injury. That one probably hurt Car Talk more than it hurt me, but if Mostert would’ve had the monster day I was expecting, I think it might’ve been close.

Anyway, the highlight of my day was Jameis Winston throwing for 5 touchdowns and getting me 41.1 points. He REALLY carried me, though I had some good performances elsewhere. CeeDee Lamb got me 23.88, Jimmy G got me 19.9 (and had a TD pass stolen from him at the goalline by the backup, FML), D.K. Metcalf, A.J. Brown, and the Rams’ defense all got me in the teens.

Meanwhile, Car Talk had 25-point games out of Kelce and Mixon, but Josh Allen struggled in a tough matchup against the Steelers’ defense. On top of that, he had four guys NOT named Fitzpatrick who also got him under 10 points each (compared to just Elliott and Mostert for me).

Late last week, after Gus Edwards went down, I picked up Ty’Son Williams, dropping Zack Moss (who was another surprise inactive on gameday). Williams looks to be going up against Latavius Murray (who I also just picked up on waivers this week) for carries in that backfield; he had a solid game on Monday Night, but the splits were pretty even between the two. I’ll continue to monitor them, while still looking to shore up the position. In the meantime, Mostert lands in my IR spot.

This week, I go up against Hahmez Wah 360 Allstars. Here’s my projected lineup:

  • Jameis Winston (QB) @ CAR
  • Jimmy Garoppolo (QB) @ PHI
  • A.J. Brown (WR) @ SEA
  • D.K. Metcalf (WR) vs. TEN
  • Ezekiel Elliott (RB) @ LAC
  • Clyde Edwards-Helaire (RB) @ BAL
  • Noah Fant (TE) @ JAX
  • CeeDee Lamb (WR) @ LAC
  • Justin Tucker (K) vs. KC
  • L.A. Rams (DEF) @ IND

I have at least one friend in my league who thinks Winston might’ve been the best pick in the entire draft. After one week, who am I to argue?! But, I’d like to see it over a consistent basis before I crown my ass. Nevertheless, the Panthers’ defense looks like a pretty good landing spot for his second week. Jimmy G, I’m a little more concerned about. Maybe the Philly defense is better than we thought? Or Atlanta is just terrible? My alternative is Mac Jones at the Jets, which seems like a no-brainer. But, the Jets do have a pretty good D-Line, I’m told, and again it’s only his second game. My hunch is the 49ers will need to throw the ball more to put up points to keep up with the Eagles (especially if the 49ers’ defense is as bad as we saw in the second half against the Lions last week). I’m really just biding my time – and THOROUGHLY on the Bench Andy Dalton Bandwagon – until Justin Fields gets the starting job full time. Boy did he look good in limited action against the Bears!

Zeke is locked in at running back, and I fully expect him to have a much better game against the Chargers. CEH is up in the air …

As usual, my three receivers are locked in, so I won’t be throwing any running backs into my flex spot just yet. Ty’Son Williams is still in too much of a timeshare to trust at this point.

I’m reasonably happy with Justin Tucker against the Chiefs, though that could be uncomfortable if the Chiefs start racking up the touchdowns. I still don’t know enough about Noah Fant or the Jaguars to know if I’m happy with that matchup, but my gut tells me it should go well for me. I’d like to think the Rams could do just as well against the Colts as the Seahawks did, if not better; here’s hoping Aaron Donald can make Carson Wentz’s life miserable!

The lineup Hahmez Wah is throwing out there looks quite formidable!

  • Jalen Hurts (QB) vs. SF
  • Matthew Stafford (QB) @ IND
  • Stefon Diggs (WR) @ MIA
  • Diontae Johnson (WR) vs. LV
  • Chris Carson (RB) vs. TEN
  • D’Andre Swift (RB) @ GB
  • Robert Tonyan (TE) vs. DET
  • Tyler Lockett (WR) vs. TEN
  • Rodrigo Blankenship (K) vs. LAR
  • Buffalo (DEF) @ MIA

Hurts looks like a Top 5 fantasy quarterback, and if the 49ers’ defense is as bad as they were in the second half against Detroit, that could be a 40-point game in the making. Stafford, of course, I’m super-high on, and Indy’s defense is beatable, as we just saw with Russell Wilson. Diggs is a Top 5 wide receiver and Buffalo loves to throw the ball, so that’s always scary. Johnson is a little boom-or-busty for the Steelers, but nothing I know about the Raiders’ defense leads me to believe they can stop a top-flight passing attack. Carson was held out of the endzone against the Colts, but I wouldn’t expect that to continue against a truly wretched Titans defense. Swift had a GREAT first week and could very well find himself the beneficiary of lots of checkdowns as the Lions try to come back against the Packers on Monday night. Tonyan is solid, though I imagine Rodgers will look to get all his receivers going this week. Lockett had a terrific first week, so hopefully this time he hangs back and lets Metcalf take the lead. Miami’s offense stinks with Tua, so I fully expect Buffalo to blast them.

All told he’s got some great looking players and matchups this week, so I’m going to need a bundle to keep up. It’s not totally impossible for me to do so, but I get the feeling my team is probably a 160-ish point team at best most weeks. Jimmy G is too much of a burden, and that might make all the difference if he shits the bed. I’m predicting a loss, maybe even a total blowout.

Splinter League Round-Up!

Dude, fuck me, I don’t know what happened. I was projected to be the top scoring team in the league this year, and came out and scored the fewest points in week one. That’s thanks in large part to Aaron Rodgers laying a fucking EGG and getting less than one point. Najee Harris was also disappointing, getting less than 6 points. And Mark Andrews didn’t do me any favors on Monday night either (though, by that point, I was rooting against him in other leagues, so it was okay). I’m chocking this up to a fluke occurrence and we’re On To Cincinnati.

The Seahawks’ Offense Looked Great As They Trounced The Colts

It’s only one game, so I’ll do my best to not overreact, but that was an impressive Seahawks victory against a pretty good all-around team in Indianapolis. I know everyone likes to crap all over Carson Wentz – and he makes it easy to do sometimes – but he wasn’t the reason why the Seahawks beat the Colts 28-16. Now, granted, he didn’t go out and put his team on his shoulders either; my point is, there’s a great supporting cast around him – on both sides of the ball – plus a coaching staff that’s probably underrated.

And yet, the Seahawks made that win look pretty easy. That was an 11-win team from a season ago, with a stadium full of crazed fans, and the Seahawks had their way with the Colts!

There’s a lot to be impressed with, but I have to start with the offense. That was clearly my biggest worry heading into the season, and while it’s only one game, that’s far and away better than I ever would’ve expected, especially this early in the year. Not only did Russell Wilson rack up 254 yards passing and 4 TDs, not only did the running game generate 140 yards on the ground (with a 5.2 yards per carry average), but we got started right off the bat marching down the field and putting up points. The Seahawks scored touchdowns on their first two drives of the game, and on three of their four first half drives in total.

With the defense doing just enough, that amounted to a 21-10 halftime lead. As opposed to the other way around – which is usually what we get with your average Seahawks game – there was no need to frantically scramble to catch up in the second half. There was no need for the defense to be perfect to allow us to crawl back into the game. We got to be the aggressors on defense in the second half, while slowing things down on offense and running to bleed the clock.

It wasn’t a super-successful effort in the second half. Both teams traded punts and fumbles into the middle of the fourth quarter, but even with some struggles, it always felt like the Seahawks could move the all at will if they really needed to. Which is what they did in zipping down the field to take a 28-10 lead with just under 7 minutes left in the game. The Colts got a garbage-time TD, but that was it.

Wilson, as I noted above, was amazingly efficient (18/23 passing, 11 yards per attempt), hitting receivers on all three levels of the defense. Apparently, the Colts are notorious for suppressing the deep ball, but we still managed a 30 yarder to D.K. and a 69-yard touchdown to Lockett. Both of those receivers were great; Lockett had 4 for 100 and 2 TDs, Metcalf had 4 for 60 with 1 TD. Gerald Everett also got into the action with 2 catches for 20 yards and a TD.

Chris Carson was magnificent, running the ball 16 times for 91 yards; none of the other running backs on the team really did much (Penny ended up leaving with an injury). Carson also caught 3 balls for 26 yards, which is always good to see. The offense in general was humming, particularly at the most important points of the game: right off the bat, and to close it out. You love to see it.

The defense was everything you’ve come to expect from the best version of this era of Seahawks D. The Colts’ running game was held to a 3.8 yards per carry average (helped by 4 Wentz scrambles for 23 yards). Wentz himself was held to a 6.6 yards per attempt average. We were all over him in this one, getting 3 sacks, and pressuring him a lot more on top of that.

Rasheem Green carried over his torrid pre-season; THIS is the guy every Seahawks fan dreamed about when he was originally drafted in 2018. He had 4 tackles (1 tackle for loss), 1 sack, 2 passes defended, and 2 QB hits. Benson Mayowa and Darrell Taylor each chipped in with 2 tackles, a sack, and 2 QB hits. And Bobby Wagner and Jordyn Brooks led the team in tackles with 13 and 11 respectively.

I didn’t notice a lot from the secondary, either good or bad, which is probably as good as we can hope for right now. We weren’t torched, obviously, but I also don’t see any passes defended in the stat sheet (nor any picks, for that matter). Of course, the Colts are pretty depleted in their wide receiver room, so this was a nice, soft landing for our cornerbacks as we try to figure out the best combination of starters going forward.

Overall, I’m pretty happy with how this game went! It’s always nice to feel comfortable and not have to panic for three straight hours. The Seahawks usually take years off of our lives; in this one I think they finally put some years back on.

The 2021 Seattle Seahawks Regular Season Preview Extraordinaire!

If you feel like reading about my position-by-position breakdowns, click HERE and go through all the links at the top. And, in case you missed it, I talked briefly about my predictions for how the 2021 NFL season is going to go as a whole HERE. There’s a pretty significant spoiler in there about my feelings on the Seahawks, which I’m going to get to directly.

I think the 2021 Seattle Seahawks are going to be disappointing. That’s not a very unique hill to die on. If you’re a playoff contender, only one team’s season WON’T be disappointing. But, I guess that’s my point: the 2021 Seattle Seahawks aren’t going to win the Super Bowl. For a team with Russell Wilson as its quarterback, for a team that has been to two Super Bowls in the last decade – and been to the playoffs in all but one year dating back to 2012 – not winning the Super Bowl is always going to be disappointing. Seasons change and we’re all getting fucking older, and it’s reasonable to wonder if we’re all going to die without the Seahawks ever winning a Super Bowl again.

In skimming last year’s preview post, I think my feelings about the team are similar, but for slightly different reasons. I was probably a little higher on the offense than I am this season, and for the first half that was validated by what we saw on the field. Then, the level of our defensive competition improved, and we were unable to adjust to what they were doing to us. On the flipside, there were lots of worries about the defense heading into the season – also validated by what we saw on the field – but that tightened up in the second half (as the level of offensive competition declined, and we were able to adjust to what teams were doing to us). Ultimately, we were looking at a fatally flawed team in 2020, and we’re still looking at a fatally flawed team in 2021.

There’s a lot to like about the offense once again. The talent is on par with the most talented offensive teams in the NFL. We have a Top 5 quarterback, we have arguably the best wide receiver duo, we have a stable of quality running backs and tight ends (when healthy), and our offensive line is good enough (especially with Duane Brown back in the fold). I only have one concern about the offense, but it’s a big one: Shane Waldron.

He’s never called plays before. He’s never been in charge of setting up an offense or scheming against an opposing defense. I don’t know what it was, exactly, he did with the Rams, but he wasn’t The Guy. The buck didn’t stop with Shane Waldron. We ASSUME – since he worked under offensive genius Sean McVay – that we’re going to get “The Rams’ offense” with our Seahawks talent executing it. And, we ASSUME – because the Rams’ offense has always been so great for them since McVay was brought over there – that it’s going to translate seamlessly to our team. But, we don’t know if it’s going to work out at all!

There’s a chance the offense is more efficient, and we’re able to connect on the short passing game, which in turn will open up the deep passing game again, which in turn will also open up our rushing attack. But, I would argue there’s an equally-good chance (if not a better chance) that the offense is even less efficient than it was before, and we’re reduced to an embarrassing shambles with a guy who doesn’t know how to call plays or adjust in-game to what defenses are throwing at us.

Frankly, I’m leaning towards the offense being a frustrating mess more often than not. What’s more likely? Some first-time offensive coordinator – who no one’s ever heard of outside of hardcore football circles – comes in and takes the play-calling world by storm? Or, like the 8th coordinator poached from the Rams under Sean McVay goes to another team and sucks like all the rest?

Why is no one talking about this? Why isn’t this a bigger story? Everyone’s just taking for granted that the Seahawks are going to look exactly like the Rams offensively; it makes no sense. We’ve got a quarterback who can’t shit until he holds out for the long bomb – taking umpteen sacks in the process by holding the ball too long; we’ve got a head coach who wants to run the ball more than anyone else in the league; and we’ve got an offensive line that still has to face the front sevens of the rest of the NFC West six times a year (plus playoffs), on top of many other difficult D-Lines around the league. This is a recipe for utter disaster!

Honestly, I really question whether or not Brian Schottenheimer was the main problem last year. You’re telling me he doesn’t have a short or intermediate passing game in his playbook? You’re telling me HE was the reason this team never called screen passes or crossing patterns? Or, is it because the quarterback always wants to throw the home run ball, and he can’t see over all the linemen in his way to hit his receivers 10 yards downfield? Come on, let’s think about this rationally here.

I expect this offense to struggle mightily through the first month or two, until this team goes back to calling the same plays it’s called over the last decade. At which point we MIGHT see marginal improvement, but by that time we’ll have already lost too many games to get the top seed in the NFC, and it’ll be iffy at best if we can even compete for the divisional title.

While we’re on the topic, let’s get to probably the biggest reason why the 2021 Seahawks will be disappointing: the NFC West.

They’re all better. I’m just going to say that right off the bat. The 49ers are healthy again; they figure to have enough talent to contend for a playoff spot (and maybe even the division). The Cardinals were 8-8 last year and their quarterback was playing injured for most of the second half of the season. The Rams won 10 games, beat the Seahawks in Seattle in the first round of the playoffs, and VASTLY upgraded at quarterback with Stafford over Goff. I fully expect the Rams – still stacked at virtually every single position group – to not only win the NFC West, but have the best record in the entire conference. This isn’t just reverse-jinx posturing; I’m staking my fantasy football life on it (going all in on Stafford and the Rams’ defense, earlier than probably most any other non-Rams fan in existence).

It’s almost an impossible ask to expect the Seahawks to win this division in back-to-back seasons! Especially since you can’t really point to any one thing the Seahawks do as definitely exceptional. The Rams have a great offense and the best defensive player alive. The 49ers have a great offensive scheme (if maybe lacking in talent at the quarterback position) and a stacked front seven on defense. The Cardinals have one of the best mobile quarterbacks in the league, who almost always keeps them in ballgames with a chance to win it at the end.

The Seahawks have … a less-mobile Russell Wilson, in a new offense. They have maybe the best receiver in the game in D.K. Metcalf … who was largely neutralized in the second half of last season thanks to countless double teams and defenses (or just Jalen Ramsey) blanketing his side of the field. The only certainty is that the Seahawks have the best Safety Who Gets Sacks in football. Okay. Who was the last team that featured a sacking safety that won the Super Bowl? Go ahead, I’ll wait.

At the same time, though, I can’t say it’s all Doom & Gloom either. Because, as I said up top, this team IS talented, pretty much throughout. There’s enough talent on offense that I fully expect – in 2-minute situations, when Wilson is calling the plays in hurry-up – points will be scored. My argument is: it’s not going to be as seamless as everyone is expecting; it’s going to be a struggle sometimes. The Seahawks aren’t going to lead the league in points; they’re not even going to be in the Top 5. Talent alone will probably keep us in the Top 10, but I don’t think that’s going to be good enough to push us over the hump into the upper stratosphere.

Sure, there’s also talent on defense. I think the starting linebacker unit is solid, the defensive line should be at least on par with what we saw in the second half of 2020, and I have zero issues with the safeties. But, the cornerbacks are an obvious weakness, and there’s still the Ken Norton in the room. He’s a terrible defensive coordinator! He might’ve been okay when there were Hall of Famers throughout this side of the ball, but literally anyone could’ve coordinated those defenses and had a top DVOA unit. This is a group with a lot of young guys in prominent roles, a lot of fringe-starters getting full-time snaps, who desperately need to be coached up, and Ken Norton is completely incapable of doing that outside of the linebacker room. He should be a linebackers coach; that’s where his ceiling is from a coaching perspective. But, he’s in charge of the entire defense, and that’s where this team gets fucked.

The defense hasn’t been the same since Dan Quinn left for Atlanta. I’d feel a lot better about things if we’d brought him back this year, instead of letting Dallas take him in.

So, you know, expect a lot of frustrating defensive series. Expect teams to continue to dink and dunk on us at will, at times, in every single game. Expect a good amount of chunk plays to go against us because our cornerbacks are crappy and our safeties can’t be everywhere at once. Then, expect us to adjust and slow teams down for a while in the second or third quarters of games, before they finally figure out how to move it again midway through the fourth quarter.

In short, expect the Seahawks defense you’ve come to know and loathe since Dan Quinn left. Along with it, expect the usual Cardiac Seahawks games where they’re maddeningly close until the bitter end, with the final possession deciding the game’s outcome. You like one-score games? I hope so, because the Seahawks enjoy nothing more than playing the same fucking Greatest Hits for us every single week.

I haven’t done this in a while, so let’s go game-by-game and see if we can predict wins and losses. This is fun for about 30 seconds, right?

  • @ Indy – Win
  • Tenn – Win
  • @ Minn – Win
  • @ Frisco – Loss
  • Rams – Loss
  • @ Pitt – Loss
  • Saints – Win
  • Jags – Win
  • BYE
  • @ Pack – Loss
  • Zona – Loss
  • @ Wash – Win
  • Frisco – Win
  • @ Hou – Win
  • @ Rams – Loss
  • Bears – Win
  • Lions – Win
  • @ Zona – Win

I have us at 11-6 in this scenario. It might not shake out EXACTLY in this fashion, but I think 5-3 heading into the BYE is probably reasonable. I think 2-4 against the division is probably the difference-maker between us or the 49ers getting the higher wild card seed (I think we probably end up with the same record, but they figure out a way to sweep the Cards and get one over on the Rams).

I’d love nothing more than to be wrong. There’s a small part of me that wants to believe the Seahawks have been on this upward trajectory since 2017 (the last time we missed the playoffs). We were 9-7 that year, and have improved by one win every season since, with us finally winning the division again in 2020. The next step in that progression is to not only win the division, but take the top seed in the NFC again. And, with that – ideally – a spot in the Super Bowl.

But, usually, teams who do that are able to get that one final piece to the puzzle in the lead-up to that season. In 2013, for instance, we went out and got Michael Bennett and Cliff Avril. The Bucs last year got Tom Brady and loaded up on veterans on defense. When was the last team you saw that was THIS flawed that somehow managed to improve? Almost always – when a team is this flawed – there’s negative regression the other way.

Frankly, the Seahawks have been flawed every season since 2017; things can’t keep improving forever.

This feels like a total meltdown waiting to happen. We were already teetering on the brink this offseason with Russell Wilson complaining in the media. I’m half-expecting everything to totally fall apart, with the final nail being a Wilson trade out of here. And knowing our Seattle luck with trading superstars, he will hamstring us with the list of teams we’re allowed to trade him to, resulting in our getting a terrible package of picks and players in return.

Officially, I’m predicting the Seahawks will be 11-6 and the 6th seed in the NFC. But, secretly I wouldn’t be shocked to see us fall to 8-9, miss out on the playoffs, and have all hell break loose.

Earlier this week I called out the Ravens as the team having a Season From Hell. But, don’t be surprised if it’s us. Again, I hope I’m wrong, but I feel it in my gut: the future looks grim.