Tag Archives: D'Andre Swift

Nobody Wants To Hear About My Fantasy Team 2022: Screwed By My Own Incompetence

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My team is not good, and it was on full display this weekend as I lost to You Dropped Your Dildo 170.60 to 132.20. If I could go back in time and cherry pick my perfect roster, I would have prevailed, but that’s the thing about points on your bench, isn’t it? You’re supposed to take solace in the fact that your logic might’ve been sound for the decisions you made, but you still take the L, don’t you?

So, I guess I have to play Justin Fields every week now. That’s four weeks in a row of 20 or more points, which isn’t much in any fantasy football scoring system, but it’s especially unimpressive in our 2-QB league. Yet, I’d kill for a quarterback who averages 20+ points per game, given the fucking paltry numbers I’ve gotten this season. How many of these last four weeks have I had Fields in my lineup? Two. Two of the four. Incidentally, the first two of the four. The last two of the four – the most two recent games – he’s managed 25 and 31 points, against the Patriots and Cowboys. Those are serious defenses! That means this is something close to legit.

Of course, now that he’s locked into my starting lineup regardless of opponent, watch him fucking shit his fucking pants. God fucking dammit I fucking hate fantasy fucking football.

Anyway, that was a bummer. Fields’ 31 points on my bench, while Davis Mills got me a whopping 10 and Mac Jones got me 13. For some reason, even though Mac Jones has sucked like no one has ever sucked before – he has yet to score over 15 fantasy points this season – I thought it was a good idea to play him over Fields, who is clearly starting to find his fantasy footing. I’m an idiot.

I did get to enjoy Tony Pollard, the Philly defense, and CeeDee Lamb’s consistent awesomeness, but they weren’t nearly enough. I ran into a buzzsaw. I’m slowly getting closer to having the most points scored against me, right now I’m 8 behind the leader.

I’m in a bit of a sticky spot this week, as the Cowboys are on a BYE, which means my best receiver is down, as well as two of my running backs. So, I’ve gotta find a way to mop up with the dudes on my roster. Have a looksee:

  • Justin Fields (QB) vs. Mia
  • Mac Jones (QB) vs. Ind
  • Gabe Davis (WR) @ NYJ
  • Romeo Doubs (WR) @ Det
  • Kenneth Walker (RB) @ Ari
  • Brian Robinson (RB) vs. Min
  • T.J. Hockenson (TE) @ Was
  • D.K. Metcalf (WR) @ Ari
  • Evan McPherson (K) vs. Car
  • Philadelphia (DEF) @ Hou

I’m SOOOOO ready to write off Mac Jones, as I think he’s a garbage piece of shit football player. But, he has a considerably better matchup over Davis Mills, who is going up against the Eagles. In the end, it might not matter, as Mac Jones will probably turn it over three times, but what can you do?

I nabbed Doubs last week before Sunday’s games started, when I was finally allowed to put Zeke Elliott into my IR slot. I’m keeping Zeke in my IR slot through the BYE week, because fuck the world. Anyway, Doubs had a nice bounce-back last week (getting 16 points for my bench) after three straight games of less than 10 points. I would hope – if he has any future in this league whatsoever – that he’ll feast against the Lions’ secondary.

Also, big ups on D.K. Metcalf for playing last week, after what seemed like a serious knee injury. I don’t know if he’s going to make it the whole year on that leg, but if he could replicate the 17 points he got for my bench last week, I’d be happy.

T.J. Hockenson was traded to the Vikings this week, which seems like a boost for him long-term, but will probably mean he’s hardly involved at all in the game this week. I’m expecting a 0 from my tight end spot, so anything above that will be gravy.

I don’t know how playable Brian Robinson is going to be for me this year, outside of an injury replacement or BYE weeks. His O-Line is a steaming turd, and they refuse to throw him the ball.

This week, I face Korky Butchek, who has to be bummed he only gets to play me once this year. Here’s who he’s got:

  • Joe Burrow (QB) vs. Car
  • Trevor Lawrence (QB) vs. LV
  • A.J. Brown (WR) @ Hou
  • Tyler Boyd (WR) vs. Car
  • David Montgomery (RB) vs. Mia
  • D’Andre Swift (RB) vs. GB
  • TBD (TE) vs. TBD
  • D.J. Moore (WR) @ Cin
  • Daniel Carlson (K) @ Jax
  • Indianapolis (DEF) @ NE

Every time I go up against D.J. Moore, he gets a shit-ton of points. Indeed, it seems like whenever I go up against ANY #1 Carolina receiver through the years, I get burned. It’s annoying.

The Seahawks Should Be In For Another Shootout Against The Lions

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Not that the Falcons game was a super high scoring festival of points or anything, but the over safely covered and that’s all we’re talking about here.

The over/under at the time of this writing is 48 points. The over seems like a lock of all locks. The Lions have one of the worst defenses in football, and a pretty potent offense (all things considered), led by Amon-Ra St. Brown, who is one of the best and most productive receivers in all of football. Jared Goff is giving them just enough competence, and even with D’Andre Swift out, they have plenty of depth at running back to give us trouble.

Oh, yeah, also our defense is straight up hot garbage.

The Seahawks can’t stop a cold (is how I think that saying goes). The D-Line isn’t doing anything against the run, the linebackers can only seem to make tackles 9-10 yards down field, and the secondary isn’t nearly as stout as it was in the olden days against the run. To top everything off, we’re not getting a ton of pressure on the quarterback, we have plenty of lapses in coverage, and we’re not forcing those fumbles on the goalline like we did against the Broncos, so flukey luck isn’t even on our side anymore.

I would say the Lions have a better offense than the Falcons, plus they’ll be at home. They should have no trouble pulling this one out in the end.

That being said, the Seahawks should have no trouble moving the football and scoring points in bunches. The Lions might be so bad that they even gag this one away to us, which is a terrible thought. If you’re a betting person, I’d say to go ahead and bet on the Seahawks a lot in the first half. Then, go ahead and make a halftime live bet for the Lions to make it close late. Bet the Seahawks to cover +3 in the first half, maybe even bet the Seahawks to have the lead going into halftime, bet the first half over (24) and bet the game over (48), with a live Lions bet at halftime. You can’t lose!

I’d also put money on a D.K. anytime touchdown. If St. Brown plays, put an anytime TD on him as well. I would even say give me over 1.5 Geno Smith touchdown passes. I want it all! Stay away if it’s over 2.5 though.

I like Penny in this one as well. I think we’ll go further down the rabbit hole with the run.

This one could be scary, from a tanking perspective. I know we’re all frustrated with some of the decisionmaking by Pete Carroll, but I think the in-game coaching for the Lions is even worse. I think there’s going to be a lot of bungling going on by the Lions, and I think the Seahawks will take advantage. I’m taking the Seahawks in a squeaker, 31-30.

Nobody Wants To Hear About My Fantasy Team 2021: Monday Night Disappointment

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I’ve long bemoaned my Monday night plight when it comes to fantasy football. I’ve lost countless games I was otherwise leading heading into Monday, while almost never flipping the script on someone else. If I have, I don’t remember it, and I feel like I’d remember the glory of snatching victory from the jaws of defeat.

Look, I’ll be the first to admit I probably didn’t deserve to win this one. But, I don’t necessarily think my opponent did either. Car Talk With Josh Allen beat Snoopy & Prickly Pete 146.40 to 141.16.

It was simple: I was up 139.16 to 125.20. I had the Rams’ defense (usually a pretty reliable one that’s good for 10-15 points or so) and he had Jimmy G, going up against that Rams defense. Jimmy G, as we all know, is usually good for a turnover or two, so I felt reasonably confident that I could pull this one out.

Instead, the Rams decided to let Deebo Samuel take over – apparently Jalen Ramsey had more pressing matters to attend to than lock down the 49ers’ best offensive weapon – and he absolutely fucking DOMINATED! Good lord. What were the Rams thinking?

Anyway, I also lost because of my own stupidity. Ben Roethlisberger was diagnosed with COVID and out for Sunday’s game. As a result, I got cold feet on Diontae Johnson and benched him for A.J. Brown. Johnson got 13.3 points – which is nothing special – but Brown, predictably, was shut down by the Saints’ defense, scoring only 3.3 points. I knew it was going to happen, but I followed Yahoo’s stupid advice anyway, and there we have it. Having rostered Brown for long enough, I have a pretty good feel for when he’s going to lay an egg. He can’t seem to get it up for elite cornerbacks. It happens to the best of us.

We prattle on. Here’s my lineup for this week:

  • Mac Jones (QB) @ ATL
  • Justin Fields (QB) vs. BAL
  • CeeDee Lamb (WR) @ KC
  • D.K. Metcalf (WR) vs. ARI
  • Ezekiel Elliott (RB) @ KC
  • Rhamondre Stevenson (RB) @ ATL
  • Mike Gesicki (TE) @ NYJ
  • Diontae Johnson (WR) @ LAC
  • Zane Gonzalez (K) @ SEA
  • Cleveland (DEF) vs. DET

I picked up Stevenson, dropping Mark Ingram. Again, let’s keep the focus on guys who might be relevant next year and beyond. A Dynasty League owner’s roster tweaking is never done.

That’s a clear example of burying the lede, because Trader Steven was on the prowl this week! First and foremost, our trade deadline is November 20th (this upcoming Saturday). Second, as has been discussed ad nauseam throughout most of the year, I have four really good wide receivers who I like a lot; we are only allowed to keep up to three of them (two in the WR spot, one for a FLEX if that’s your preference). It was a nice luxury to have through most of the BYE weeks, because between BYEs and injuries, I always had at least three guys I could play. But, having all four on my roster to the end of the season did me no good in the grand scheme of things.

While I had four receivers I liked, I only had one running back (at most) that I liked. Ezekiel Elliott has been fine this year, but his clock is ticking. Nevertheless, the dropoff from Zeke is a steep one. Bottom line is: I was going to have to keep a running back I hated, unless I made a trade. So, with Korky Butchek, I traded away A.J. Brown, receiving in return tight end Mike Gesicki and rookie running back Javonte Williams (to make the numbers match, I dropped the other tight end I picked up recently, Pat Freiermuth).

I originally offered him Diontae Johnson straight up for Williams, but he rejected that one and countered with the above deal that I accepted. For me, the ranking of my receivers went like this:

  1. CeeDee Lamb
  2. D.K. Metcalf
  3. A.J. Brown
  4. Diontae Johnson

Lamb was as close to untouchable as it gets, and Metcalf is pretty close to untouchable as well. Brown, on the other hand, is frustratingly boom or bust, and always finds himself on the injury report in spite of his young age. He tends to get better as the season goes along, though, so I would expect great things out of him in the month of December. Plus, with Henry out, and Julio Jones largely a non-factor, Brown figures to be far and away the #1 offensive option on the Titans. This could very well be the move that spares Korky Butchek of a last place finish!

On the flipside, Javonte Williams is seen by many experts to be a “league winner”. One of those guys good teams stash on their bench, who explode for huge fantasy numbers in the final month of the season (a la Cam Akers last year). He plays on the Broncos, who are pretty devoted to the run; but they’ve – to date – also been devoted to a running back by committee approach. Here’s to hoping that changes as we head into next year.

I’m not totally sold on Gesicki’s prospects as a dynasty tight end, mostly because Miami’s quarterback situation is muddy at best. Nevertheless, you can’t deny his talent, when he’s managed to stay healthy. I’m not getting my hopes up too high, but he’s a far cry better than Noah Fant at this point.

Then, late last night, I discovered a trade was offered to me. My opponent this week wants to swap kickers – I get Gonzalez, he gets Justin Tucker – and for my trouble, he’s giving me his 2nd round draft pick next year, in exchange for my 5th rounder (in our dynasty draft, the first 10 rounds are devoted to keepers; so technically it’s a swap of his 12th rounder for my 15th rounder).

I think this is a helluva deal for me! I get better draft positioning for next year, in exchange for Justin Tucker. I can stumble into the next Justin Tucker, no problem. Besides, thus far this year, Zane Gonzalez has more points than Tucker, and is hitting at one of the highest rates of anyone in the NFL. We’ll see if that carries over into next year and beyond, but the last thing I’m going to sweat is the kicker spot, especially when I have a chance to improve through the draft next year.

We’ll see how it goes. My season is already fucked – I’ve been playing for next year since day one – so I might as well take some big swings and hope for a huge turnaround. And, you never know, if my QB situation picks up, and Williams emerges as the stud a lot of people think he’ll be, I could be well on my way to making some noise in the Consolation Bracket!

This week, I’m going up against the annoyingly-named Hahmez Wah 360 Allstars, who has been Joey IR Police on the message boards. God forbid anyone leave a player on the IR spot for an extra week to try to get through the BYE weeks with all your players! IT’S THE CRIME OF THE CENTURY, AND HAHMEZ WAH 360 ALLSTARS IS GOING TO GET TO THE BOTTOM OF IT! Here are the guys who will defeat my guys:

  • Jalen Hurts (QB) vs. NO
  • Tyrod Taylor (QB) @ TEN
  • Deebo Samuel (WR) @ JAX
  • Stefon Diggs (WR) vs. IND
  • D’Andre Swift (RB) @ CLE
  • D’Onta Foreman (RB) vs. HOU
  • Zach Ertz (TE) @ SEA
  • Marquise Brown (WR) @ CHI
  • Justin Tucker (K) @ CHI
  • Buffalo (DEF) vs. IND

I’ve got three of his guys (Hurts, Diggs, and Brown) in another league, so it’s like looking in a mirror this week. There’s no analysis needed here, his team is better than mine from top to bottom. I’ll take my loss like a man and move on.

Unfortunately, bungling the game last week drops me to 2-8. I’m still in last place by a full game, and also 50+ points behind Korky Butchek in the tie-breaker of total points. That’s huge, because I recently learned the Toilet Trophy goes to the regular season last place team, and not – as I’d originally hoped – the Consolation Bracket loser.

So, here’s the deal: I play Korky over Thanksgiving weekend. If trends continue, that game might very well decide the Toilet Trophy winner. I’m calling it the Toilet Bowl. I just hope he doesn’t win this upcoming week to ruin my narrative ahead of our Sludge Match!

Splinter League Round-Up!

BUCK FUTTER bounced back with a victory that was more difficult than it needed to be, over 50 Shades Of Gritty. That improves me to 6-4 and in third place (the best of all the 6-4 teams). So far, it looks like a 5-team race for four spots. The top two teams are 9-1 and 8-2; they’re going to be hard to catch up to. Though, one of them (Beer Thirty, the 8-2 team) is going up against me this week. Ideally, I need one of the other 6-4 teams to start losing, but it’s getting scary out there for ol’ BUCK FUTTER. Someone give me a break!

Nobody Wants To Hear About My Fantasy Team 2021: Some Good & Bad In A Week 1 Win

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Part of me feels like I had no business winning that first game; that’ll happen when you score the 4th (out of 5th) most points in victory (and when you score the 7th most points in total). There were only three teams I would’ve defeated, and I was lucky enough to have gone up against one of them.

But, as a seasoned fantasy football veteran, I know shit like this happens. And, at some point, my team is going to be held WAY under its expected total points, and I’m going to lose to a team that was Just Okay. The fantasy gods giveth, and the fantasy gods taketh away.

Snoopy & Prickly Pete defeated Car Talk With Josh Allen 161.88 to 123.35.

I woke up on Sunday to find that Trey Sermon was inactive. That had me scrambling to my computer to put Raheem Mostert into my lineup over Clyde Edwards-Helaire. When you roster Mostert, you know time is of the essence; there are precious few weeks in a season where he makes it through a game unscathed. In striking while the iron was hot, I figured what better opportunity to enjoy a completely-healthy Mostert?

It turns out, he was good for two carries before he injured his knee, sending him to the IR for the rest of the year.

I’m a pretty rational human being. I know, for instance, that I wasn’t the only person who was duped into starting Mostert this past week. I know I wasn’t the only person to make a last-second lineup change that backfired. But, I believe wholeheartedly that I’m the only person in the world who gets so consistently fucked over by these moves every single time. Either I make the switch, and it backfires, or I stick to my guns, and I leave points on my bench. EVERY. FUCKING. TIME.

In this case, it was hard to be too upset, because CEH only got 10.2 points – pretty much what I expected him to get against the Browns – but that’s not the point. The point is the potential of what Mostert represented, in a cupcake matchup against the Lions’ inept run defense. That was a 20+ point game in the making!

The fantasy gods, knowing they did me dirty, decided to help me out in this one. My opponent had Ryan Fitzpatrick going as one of his QBs; he made it all of 6 pass attempts before going down with an injury. That one probably hurt Car Talk more than it hurt me, but if Mostert would’ve had the monster day I was expecting, I think it might’ve been close.

Anyway, the highlight of my day was Jameis Winston throwing for 5 touchdowns and getting me 41.1 points. He REALLY carried me, though I had some good performances elsewhere. CeeDee Lamb got me 23.88, Jimmy G got me 19.9 (and had a TD pass stolen from him at the goalline by the backup, FML), D.K. Metcalf, A.J. Brown, and the Rams’ defense all got me in the teens.

Meanwhile, Car Talk had 25-point games out of Kelce and Mixon, but Josh Allen struggled in a tough matchup against the Steelers’ defense. On top of that, he had four guys NOT named Fitzpatrick who also got him under 10 points each (compared to just Elliott and Mostert for me).

Late last week, after Gus Edwards went down, I picked up Ty’Son Williams, dropping Zack Moss (who was another surprise inactive on gameday). Williams looks to be going up against Latavius Murray (who I also just picked up on waivers this week) for carries in that backfield; he had a solid game on Monday Night, but the splits were pretty even between the two. I’ll continue to monitor them, while still looking to shore up the position. In the meantime, Mostert lands in my IR spot.

This week, I go up against Hahmez Wah 360 Allstars. Here’s my projected lineup:

  • Jameis Winston (QB) @ CAR
  • Jimmy Garoppolo (QB) @ PHI
  • A.J. Brown (WR) @ SEA
  • D.K. Metcalf (WR) vs. TEN
  • Ezekiel Elliott (RB) @ LAC
  • Clyde Edwards-Helaire (RB) @ BAL
  • Noah Fant (TE) @ JAX
  • CeeDee Lamb (WR) @ LAC
  • Justin Tucker (K) vs. KC
  • L.A. Rams (DEF) @ IND

I have at least one friend in my league who thinks Winston might’ve been the best pick in the entire draft. After one week, who am I to argue?! But, I’d like to see it over a consistent basis before I crown my ass. Nevertheless, the Panthers’ defense looks like a pretty good landing spot for his second week. Jimmy G, I’m a little more concerned about. Maybe the Philly defense is better than we thought? Or Atlanta is just terrible? My alternative is Mac Jones at the Jets, which seems like a no-brainer. But, the Jets do have a pretty good D-Line, I’m told, and again it’s only his second game. My hunch is the 49ers will need to throw the ball more to put up points to keep up with the Eagles (especially if the 49ers’ defense is as bad as we saw in the second half against the Lions last week). I’m really just biding my time – and THOROUGHLY on the Bench Andy Dalton Bandwagon – until Justin Fields gets the starting job full time. Boy did he look good in limited action against the Bears!

Zeke is locked in at running back, and I fully expect him to have a much better game against the Chargers. CEH is up in the air …

As usual, my three receivers are locked in, so I won’t be throwing any running backs into my flex spot just yet. Ty’Son Williams is still in too much of a timeshare to trust at this point.

I’m reasonably happy with Justin Tucker against the Chiefs, though that could be uncomfortable if the Chiefs start racking up the touchdowns. I still don’t know enough about Noah Fant or the Jaguars to know if I’m happy with that matchup, but my gut tells me it should go well for me. I’d like to think the Rams could do just as well against the Colts as the Seahawks did, if not better; here’s hoping Aaron Donald can make Carson Wentz’s life miserable!

The lineup Hahmez Wah is throwing out there looks quite formidable!

  • Jalen Hurts (QB) vs. SF
  • Matthew Stafford (QB) @ IND
  • Stefon Diggs (WR) @ MIA
  • Diontae Johnson (WR) vs. LV
  • Chris Carson (RB) vs. TEN
  • D’Andre Swift (RB) @ GB
  • Robert Tonyan (TE) vs. DET
  • Tyler Lockett (WR) vs. TEN
  • Rodrigo Blankenship (K) vs. LAR
  • Buffalo (DEF) @ MIA

Hurts looks like a Top 5 fantasy quarterback, and if the 49ers’ defense is as bad as they were in the second half against Detroit, that could be a 40-point game in the making. Stafford, of course, I’m super-high on, and Indy’s defense is beatable, as we just saw with Russell Wilson. Diggs is a Top 5 wide receiver and Buffalo loves to throw the ball, so that’s always scary. Johnson is a little boom-or-busty for the Steelers, but nothing I know about the Raiders’ defense leads me to believe they can stop a top-flight passing attack. Carson was held out of the endzone against the Colts, but I wouldn’t expect that to continue against a truly wretched Titans defense. Swift had a GREAT first week and could very well find himself the beneficiary of lots of checkdowns as the Lions try to come back against the Packers on Monday night. Tonyan is solid, though I imagine Rodgers will look to get all his receivers going this week. Lockett had a terrific first week, so hopefully this time he hangs back and lets Metcalf take the lead. Miami’s offense stinks with Tua, so I fully expect Buffalo to blast them.

All told he’s got some great looking players and matchups this week, so I’m going to need a bundle to keep up. It’s not totally impossible for me to do so, but I get the feeling my team is probably a 160-ish point team at best most weeks. Jimmy G is too much of a burden, and that might make all the difference if he shits the bed. I’m predicting a loss, maybe even a total blowout.

Splinter League Round-Up!

Dude, fuck me, I don’t know what happened. I was projected to be the top scoring team in the league this year, and came out and scored the fewest points in week one. That’s thanks in large part to Aaron Rodgers laying a fucking EGG and getting less than one point. Najee Harris was also disappointing, getting less than 6 points. And Mark Andrews didn’t do me any favors on Monday night either (though, by that point, I was rooting against him in other leagues, so it was okay). I’m chocking this up to a fluke occurrence and we’re On To Cincinnati.

Nobody Wants To Hear About My Fantasy Team 2020: Tua No Avail

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  • Pre-Season Week 1 HERE – Here We Fucking Go Again
  • Pre-Season Week 2 HERE – Corona-Draft Prep
  • Fantasy Draft HERE – Nobody Beats The Wiz!
  • Week 1 HERE – Crisis Averted!
  • Week 2 HERE – Everything That Could Go Wrong
  • Week 3 HERE – Some Nobody Did, In Fact, Beat The Wiz!
  • Week 4 HERE – Literally Everyone Beats The Fucking Wiz
  • Week 5 HERE – Signs Of Life!
  • Week 6 HERE – And Tua All A Good Night
  • Week 7 HERE – Tua Be Or Not Tua Be, That Is The Question
  • Week 8 HERE – Tua Thine Own Self Be True
  • Week 9 HERE – Tua The Window, Tua The Wall!!!
  • Week 10 HERE – Tua Infinity & Beyond!
  • Week 11 HERE – Tua Err Is Human
  • Week 12 HERE – Although We’ve Come Tua The End Of The Road

Well, I lucked out winning the previous four weeks, because if I’d bungled any one of them I’d be relegated to the Consolation Bracket. Instead, with my 7-6 record, I managed to sneak into the playoffs as the sixth and final seed. I really had no shot against Sausage Shaped Pest, who annihilated me 193 to 136.45.

He got almost 40 out of Derek Carr and 45 points from Carr’s tight end Darren Waller, with another 27.3 from Justin Jefferson (remember when I had him on my team oh-so-briefly, earlier this season?); those three guys alone practically did enough to beat me! As for my team, I’m still getting great effort out of Kirk Cousins (28.45), and my kicker finally had a huge game (17). But, my sweet, simple Tua only got me 21.1, and I took a full-on goose-egg from CEH (who I had to throw into my second running back spot, because Josh Jacobs was injured).

In Nobody Beats The Wiz Bench News, Carson Wentz has finally been replaced at quarterback by the Philadelphia Eagles, in favor of Jalen Hurts. So, he’s now useless to me. I’m down to Cousins and Tua, but I probably have to hang onto Ryan Fitzpatrick just in case Tua has to sit again. What a nightmare! Wentz has SO MUCH guaranteed money left on his contract; I don’t know what the Eagles are going to do.

So, here’s how the playoff seeding works: the top two teams (Sloane N Steady and The Lance Petemans) get a BYE this upcoming week. Then, the 3-seed plays the 6-seed, while the 4-seed plays the 5-seed. The top two teams ended up with 9-4 records; third place is 8-5, and the rest are 7-6 (including me, who has the fewest points scored among all the playoff teams).

Everyone in the “Wild Card” round was trying to scramble to not play Space Forcin’. Somehow, through my sheer incompetence, I managed to do just that! As the 6-seed, I play Colinoscopy Time, while Crazy N8’s Prostates (who leapfrogged me this past week) has the ill-fortune to get Space Forcin’. The winner of my game plays 2-seed The Lance Petemans; the winner of the other game goes up against 1-seed Sloane N Steady.

Last week I promised you a rundown of all my season finishes dating back to 2003, when we started running a Yahoo! league. I’ll list them out really quickly here, noting for the record that 2010 was the first year we had the trophy (as you’ll see, my only championships were in years BEFORE the trophy, which has been a constant source of misery for me):

  • 2019 – Space Pirates!: 8th Place
  • 2018 – King Flippy Nips: 4th Place
  • 2017 – Mr. Poopy Butthole: 4th Place
  • 2016 – Shittin’ Clits: 8th Place
  • 2015 – Catalina Wine Mixer: 6th Place
  • 2014 – Honky Hoedown: 4th Place
  • 2013 – Wanna Kiss Dicks?: 5th Place
  • 2012 – Leaky Submarine: 10th Place
  • 2011 – The Jake Sucks: 7th Place
  • 2010 – Macho Headgames: 2nd Place
  • 2009 – Hot Beef Injection: 1st Place
  • 2008 – The Vers Stopper: 3rd Place
  • 2007 – Washington: 6th Place
  • 2006 – Goodnight Honeytits: 8th Place
  • 2005 – Titty-Fuck Jake’sMom: 7th Place
  • 2004 – Ray Finkle: 1st Place
  • 2003 – Must Win Out: 5th Place

A few notes: for starters, there’s a 20-character limit on team names, so keep that in mind when you see some creative spellings/line spacings. Also, after the first few years, the league had to institute a rule – due to my shenanigans – where the name you choose at the beginning of the year is the name you’re stuck with; I would often change my team’s name from week-to-week depending on if I was losing or not. I’ll never top Hot Beef Injection as a team OR a team name (though, I have a fondness for Wanna Kiss Dicks?, as I feel that made everyone REALLY uncomfortable to ever have to say or read on their screens).

I should also point out that 2014 was the first year we expanded the playoffs from four to six teams (a rule that I recommended at the start of the year, I might add, thanks to Wanna Kiss Dicks?’ heartbreaking finish on the outside-looking-in). Honky Hoedown went into the playoffs as the #1 seed; we were a JUGGERNAUT! The sixth place team, on the other hand, barely limped into the playoffs, yet he got hot at the right time and won three games in a row. Had the playoffs been limited to just the four teams (oh yes, I went back and did the math), my name would’ve been on that trophy for that season. Instead, it continues to be my white whale …

All right, so let’s get into the playoff week. Unless Colinoscopy Time totally falls on his face, breaks his nose, and simultaneously shits his pants while suffering a brain aneurysm, I’m going to lose this week. Losing this week means I’ll be playing for 5th place next week (and, as such, the right to draft 5th overall in next year’s draft; the highest I can possibly draft since I made the playoffs). It’s actually a curse to be the worst team to make the playoffs, so I don’t know why the fantasy football gods decided to put this on me. I mean, obviously they hate me! That much is clear. But why? And what can I do to atone for my sins?

Anyway, here’s my shitty roster with my even-shittier matchups:

  • Kirk Cousins (QB) @ TB
  • Tua Tagovailoa (QB) vs. KC
  • A.J. Brown (WR) @ JAX
  • DeVante Parker (WR) vs. KC
  • Ezekiel Elliott (RB) @ CIN
  • Josh Jacobs (RB) vs. IND
  • Dallas Goedert (TE) vs. NO
  • Deebo Samuel (WR) vs. WAS
  • Harrison Butker (K) @ MIA
  • L.A. Rams (DEF) vs. NE

And here’s the list of guys who are going to murder me:

  • Deshaun Watson (QB) @ CHI
  • Ben Roethlisberger (QB) @ BUF
  • D.K. Metcalf (WR) vs. NYJ
  • Stefon Diggs (WR) vs. PIT
  • Derrick Henry (RB) @ JAX
  • Ronald Jones (RB) vs. MIN
  • Robert Tonyan (TE) @ DET
  • Jamison Crowder (WR) @ SEA
  • Zane Gonzalez (K) @ NYG
  • Tennessee (DEF) @ JAX

He’s also got James White and D’Andre Swift at running back, Marquise Brown as an alternative at his FLEX spot, and Cam Newton at quarterback if he wanted to get cute with his matchups (going against my defense). I don’t know if I love a lot of his matchups either, but his players are SO MUCH better. Derrick Henry alone will surely score 30+, and don’t even get me started on D.K. Metcalf!

Well, it’s been an improbable run so far, but we finally made it. The playoffs are everything you imagine them to be. It’s exciting, because you never know who will get hot at the right time. It’s also a huge source of dread, because I know it won’t be me.

I guess there’s always my other league, where I’ve been on a 3-game losing streak, yet somehow still hold onto the #2 spot in the standings. I’ll still make it into the playoffs, but it doesn’t feel good to limp in, I’ll tell you that much!