Nobody Wants To Hear About My Fantasy Team 2023: An Unlucky Start To The Season

I am 1-2 to start the season, thanks to losing 205.70 to 175.72 to Turd Sandwich. He, of course, scored the most points in the league, thanks to the Buffalo defense (53), Davante Adams (42.2), and Mahomes (34.4). I mean, what can you do?

I had a pretty good week, all things considered. I made the right choices at quarterback; Cousins and Love had 33.35 and 26.85 respectively. Alexander Mattison was on my bench and would’ve been my second-leading RB at 17.5, but even my ideal lineup would’ve lost.

With my 1-2 record, I still have the second-most points scored in our league, which is super frustrating. But, you just gotta keep plugging away and hope to catch some breaks. If I can keep scoring points like this, I’ll definitely make the playoffs (fast forward to me continuing to score points like this, languishing in 7th place).

Who am I kidding; there’s no way I’m going to continue scoring like this.

This week, I go up against Toot Cannons. I’m projected to lose by a fair amount, but I also don’t feel like Yahoo has figured out how to project a lot of these players (Kenneth Walker is projected to only get 11.82 points, yet he’s 3rd among all RBs through three weeks). My lineup is going to look the same as last week:

  • Kirk Cousins (QB) @ Car
  • Jordan Love (QB) vs. Det
  • CeeDee Lamb (WR) vs. NE
  • Jordan Addison (WR) @ Car
  • Kenneth Walker (RB) @ NYG
  • Tony Pollard (RB) vs. NE
  • T.J. Hockenson (TE) @ Car
  • Kyren Williams (RB) @ Ind
  • Evan McPherson (K) @ Ten
  • N.Y. Jets (DEF) vs. KC

Justin Fields had another shit game, this time against the Chiefs. It’s tempting to throw him in there against Denver’s crappy team, but I loved what I saw out of Love in the second half against the Saints last Sunday. He was on point and looks like he could be a great QB. I’m going to continue sitting Mattison for now, because I don’t know what that run game is going to look like once Cam Akers gets into the mix. I feel like they’re looking for any excuse to make a change – you don’t make a mid-season trade like that, for a guy who has proven he’s very capable, if you’re not looking to give him an extended opportunity – and I still believe in Kyren Williams’ usage rate in that Rams offense. It’ll be tough sledding for the Cowboys against the Patriots, but I just gotta hope Lamb and/or Pollard finds a way to break out at some point.

Christian Watson is looking close to returning, but I still want to see him play in a game before I throw him in. It was great of the Panthers to sit Young against the Seahawks; keep taking it slow with him and let’s ramp him up for the second half of the season. I’m looking for any excuse to ditch Joshua Kelley (who has been worthless as the Chargers’ #1 back, in Ekeler’s absence), but I also have the #2 waiver priority, so I have to save it for something important (and not just throw it away on Miami’s De’Von Achane – who had 50+ points against the Broncos, but otherwise has done nothing in a serious time-share that’s only going to get more muddled once Jeff Wilson returns from IR).

Toot Cannons, of course, has a lot of great players. Here are many of them:

  • Tua Tagovailoa (QB) @ Buf
  • Daniel Jones (QB) vs. Sea
  • Justin Jefferson (WR) @ Car
  • Chris Olave (WR) vs. TB
  • Najee Harris (RB) @ Hou
  • Jerome Ford (RB) vs. Bal
  • Dallas Goedert (TE) vs. Was
  • Tee Higgins (WR) @ Ten
  • Harrison Butker (K) @ NYJ
  • San Francisco (DEF) vs. Ari

He’s also got Saquon Barkley, if he’s ready to return from his injury. I would have to imagine – if it looks good for Barkley – we’ll see Harris on the bench.

It’s bittersweet to see both Tua and Danny Dimes doing so well (at least fantasy-wise), since I’m almost positive I had both of them as rookies and promptly gave up on them when they looked like disasters. Jefferson is sure to gobble a ton of points from Cousins, which will (at best) cancel each other out. Higgins seems to be on an Every Other Week schedule of being good, so this figures to be a good week. And, can ANYONE score against the 49ers? I’m guessing NOT the Cardinals (even though they’ve looked relatively impressive through three weeks).

I can’t say I’m very confident. It would be nice if Buffalo came to play defense, but for some reason I doubt it. They only kick fucking ass when they’re going up against MY fantasy team.

Nobody Wants To Hear About My Fantasy Team 2023: Play Your Studs!

Couldn’t quite get to 2-0. Had every opportunity, but my needless tinkering did me in.

Fight The Mattriarchy lost to Beasts 163.75 to 155.85. If you do the math, there’s an argument to be made that I lost thanks to Russell Wilson’s hail mary touchdown pass at the end of the game. KNOCK THE FREAKIN’ BALL DOWN!!! 50 yards (2.5 points) plus a TD (6 points). That’s 8.5 points; I lost by 7.9.

But, really, I shouldn’t have been in that position in the first place. I sat Kenneth Walker (18.4) and played Joshua Kelley (3.9); that was my true blunder. I also needed to realize that Justin Fields (14.85) is simply worse than Jordan Love (27.85), but I was a week too late.

I did end up making Kirk Cousins a last-minute addition (40.2), which gave me a nice little Thursday Night boost that was quite unexpected. So, I wasn’t a TOTAL ass.

I also made a shrewd Sunday morning pickup of Kyren Williams, running back for the Rams, when it was announced that Cam Akers is on the trade block again. I don’t know how he was out there as a free agent for so long, but I’m happy to add him to the team! Zay Jones was an early morning pickup for an open spot thanks to Christian Watson being on the IR for a second week; he wasn’t long for my team (thankfully).

I am going up against Turd Sandwich this week (I’m actually playing this guy in two leagues, which is going to add an extra bit of anguish to my bachelor party this weekend, when he beats me twice). I went ahead and set my lineup early – taking advantage of Watson remaining in my IR slot, even though he will probably end up playing – so I can’t make any moves lest I want to drop someone from my bench.

Bryce Young Watch: I got to see my top draft pick play on Monday night. He … didn’t look great. But, there’s definitely potential there (much more potential than with Justin Fields, if I do say so myself), but it’s still WAY too early in the season to start him, even in a 2 QB league. Did I consider it? With him coming to Seattle and playing against that wet paper bag of a defense? I certainly did! But, I’m going to need to see him do it, across multiple weeks, before I can trust him.

Here’s my Week 3 lineup:

  • Kirk Cousins (QB) vs. LAC
  • Jordan Love (QB) vs. NO
  • CeeDee Lamb (WR) @ Ari
  • Jordan Addison (WR) vs. LAC
  • Kenneth Walker (RB) vs. Car
  • Tony Pollard (RB) @ Ari
  • T.J. Hockenson (TE) vs. LAC
  • Kyren Williams (RB) @ Cin
  • Evan McPherson (K) vs. LAR
  • N.Y. Jets (DEF) vs. NE

Give me every single Viking. Well, give me every single Viking in the passing game. I’m far from sold on Mattison at this point; he’s looked exceedingly underwhelming thus far. I’m expecting that game to be a passing bonanza for both teams, so watch the Vikings continuously fall down at the 1-yard line and have to plunge it in with their running back three times. That being said, I don’t think we’re very far from whoever Mattison’s backup is being given an equal amount of touches/snaps. You can’t have too many running backs on your fantasy roster, which is why I’m going to try to hang onto Kelley for a while. They just had a rough matchup against the Titans’ stout run defense. I guess I expected him to be as involved in the passing game as Ekeler was. Wrong on my part.

I don’t love the matchup with Love against the Saints. Odds are, I will have chosen wrong once again, and it’ll be Fields running all over the place. But, I also don’t love the matchup Fields has with that Chiefs defense. They’ve been GREAT this year, especially last week holding Jacksonville down on the road the way they did. Love has been making a lot out of a little; he’s not throwing for a ton of yards, but he’s getting a ton of TDs. Hopefully, his playmakers can continue making plays!

Here’s what Turd Sandwich is throwing at me:

  • Patrick Mahomes (QB) vs. Chi
  • Brock Purdy (QB) vs. NYG
  • Davante Adams (WR) vs. Pit
  • Chris Godwin (WR) vs. Phi
  • Rhamondre Stevenson (RB) @ NYJ
  • James Cook (RB) @ Was
  • Hayden Hurst (TE) @ Sea
  • JuJu Smith-Schuster (WR) @ NYJ
  • Riley Patterson (K) vs. Atl
  • Buffalo (DEF) @ Was

Mahomes will light it up, no doubt. Adams will destroy Pittsburgh. Hurst will probably score a bunch against the Seahawks. And Purdy will probably look good against a not-great Giants team. Other than that, I’m not totally quaking in my boots. Which probably means I’ll lose by 50.

He also has Dameon Pierce on his bench; I have to imagine he’ll be playing in place of JuJu. Why would you start a receiver against the Jets if you didn’t have to? That game should be a low-scoring slug-fest. But, I worry that Stevenson will catch 15 balls in the process, which is my nightmare.

The projected scoring has this one razor-thin. I’m nervous! I’m always nervous. But, I also lose to this guy all the time, so I’m sort of resigned to my fate.

Nobody Wants To Hear About My Fantasy Team 2023: A D-Lightful Week 1 Victory

In my dynasty league – which I write about here almost exclusively – I was given a D draft grade, and my Draft Day Projections were for a 5-9 record and a 7th place finish (the top 6 go to the playoffs). In my other two leagues, I was given A+ grades and projected for very successful records. Last week, I won my first dynasty league matchup and scored the second-most points in doing so; in my other two leagues, I lost miserably and am among the bottom-dwellers in points scored. Sure, it’s only one week, but it’s kind of funny how that works out.

For what it’s worth, I’m still projected to finish 7th, but now with a 6-8 record.

I do, to a point, trust in the draft grades. That seems to largely bear out with past results. I remember in particular, in the league I won last year, I was among the top graded teams out of the draft. I also remember regularly getting blasted in my grades in this dynasty league, and finding myself at or near the bottom by season’s end.

I don’t know yet if I have anything special with Fight The Mattriarchy, but I’m cautiously optimistic after what happened in Week 1.

I defeated You Dropped Your Dildo 158.30 to 108.30. My first blush of week 1 as a whole is that scoring was down among fantasy players, unless you were blessed to have the Dallas or Jets’ defense, or if you had Tua or Tyreek Hill. Seems like what scoring there was came from sources not on anyone’s rosters, or flooding their benches. I certainly saw some of that on my team.

I started Fields and Cousins at my QB spots. They did okay; but I had Jordan Love on my bench, and he nearly outscored both of them by himself. Live and learn. I don’t know if Love is the real deal yet – it’s only one week, and the Packers seem to own the Bears no matter who’s under center – but I’m encouraged. He has this in him. He looked good throughout; it wasn’t just bubble screens and receivers breaking umpteen tackles. He found open men, down field, and took advantage.

I was able to pick up Courtland Sutton – with Christian Watson out and in my IR spot – and started him over Terry McLaurin, which was the right move. Unfortunately, Jordan Addison outscored them both and he was on my bench. I think I might need to see him do that on a regular basis before I can trust starting him.

Bryce Young had a rough game. Looks like, if he’s ever going to make it, it’s going to take more than a few weeks for him to get going. My hope is, by season’s end, he’ll start to assert himself. I’ll say this much: Justin Fields looked as bad as ever throwing the ball. D.J. Moore appeared to make zero impact in the passing game, and I REALLY thought he was going to have a big day.

Everyone besides the Jets’ defense did just okay. My opponent had Austin Ekeler to take care of business, but just about everyone else underperformed (Dak, Lamar, Waddle, Chase, and the Dolphins’ defense all sucked). I think I got lucky in that regard; he’s got a solid team that should go far this year.

This week, I’m going up against Beasts. He’s a regular playoff participant, and a multi-year champion. I’ll have my hands full; here’s my lineup:

  • Justin Fields (QB) @ TB
  • Jordan Love (QB) @ Atl
  • CeeDee Lamb (WR) vs. NYJ
  • Terry McLaurin (WR) @ Den
  • Kenneth Walker (RB) @ Det
  • Tony Pollard (RB) vs. NYJ
  • T.J. Hockenson (TE) @ Phi
  • Alexander Mattison (WR) @ Phi
  • Evan McPherson (K) vs. Bal
  • N.Y. Jets (DEF) @ Dal

I’m sitting Cousins because it’s a road game in Philly on Thursday night. I don’t have a lot of experience with Cousins on my fantasy teams – because I usually actively avoid having him – but I know his reputation against great defenses in primetime games. No thanks.

I had to drop Sutton because Christian Watson was questionable all week. For now, I have McLaurin over Addison. Addison was third among receivers in snaps – as is expected, given his rookie status – and while I expect that to grow as the season goes along, I just don’t think the Vikings are going to have a great game and I’m trying to limit my usage of them this week.

I don’t love starting McLaurin because he might be going up against Denver’s #1 cornerback. So, I’m hoping Watson can slide back into my IR slot and I can pick up Sutton again. I like having Sutton because my opponent appears to be starting Russell Wilson this week. If he does throw any TDs, I’d like them to go to Sutton please!

I waived Dalvin Cook because Breece Hall looked amazing on Monday night, and I hate a time share more than life itself. In his place, I picked up Chargers backup RB Joshua Kelley. I was hoping to throw him into my lineup this week, but I don’t know if Ekeler will play or not, and with a Thursday game gobbling up a lot of players on my roster, I didn’t have the flexibility to sit Mattison and wait it out. But, I’m trying to think long term with Kelley. Can Ekeler play in every game like he did last year? Seems unlikely. Also, Ekeler is on the final year of his deal, so if Kelley wins that job next year, I can keep him going forward if he proves to be as effective as he’s been in his limited touches.

Here’s who Beasts has going for him:

  • Justin Herbert (QB) @ Ten
  • Russell Wilson (QB) vs. Was
  • Tyler Lockett (WR) @ Det
  • Calvin Ridley (WR) vs. KC
  • Derrick Henry (RB) vs. LAC
  • Christian McCaffrey (RB) @ LAR
  • Mark Andrews (TE) @ Cin
  • Josh Jacobs (WR) @ Buf
  • Jason Myers (K) @ Det
  • Washington (DEF) @ Den

He’s looking pretty stacked. He’s also got Cooper Kupp in his IR slot, which makes him dangerous down the road.

I’m expecting Ridley will come back down to Earth a little bit, after an explosive return to the NFL in week 1. I’m kind of banking on it, as I have Christian Kirk in another league. I also think Lockett is due for a rebound after a tough game against the Rams. Henry and CMC are both studs, and Jacobs is quietly effective. Mark Andrews returning from injury should be a big boost; if not, Beasts also has Higbee from the Rams, so he’s more than set there.

I don’t have a lot of confidence this week. I’m going to be worried for days if I made the wrong choice benching Cousins. Lamb has a tough matchup against the Jets; the Jets’ defense has a tough matchup against Dallas’ offense. And Fields could very easily give me two clunkers in a row, against that Bucs front seven.

But, you know, that’s fantasy football. Anything can happen. I’m 1-0 after one week, that’s pretty good in my book.

Nobody Wants To Hear About My Fantasy Team 2023: Anthony Richardson vs. Bryce Young vs. ???

Our draft in my dynasty league is this Friday, September 1st, and so much is hinging on what happens in these five rounds. Rookies, players left over from last year; playing for this year while keeping an eye towards the future. It’s a lot to grapple with!

For those unaware of how this league operates, I ask you, why are you reading this? You don’t want to hear about my fantasy team! Nobody wants to hear about anyone’s fantasy team! But, if you’re interested in continuing, here’s the jist: this is a 2-QB PPR league with adjusted scoring to make quarterbacks more important (6-point TDs, 1 point per 20 yards passing, -4 points for INTs). Every team keeps 10 players, one per position, with one regular flex. Here’s the roster I kept:

  • Justin Fields (QB)
  • Jordan Love (QB)
  • CeeDee Lamb (WR)
  • Christian Watson (WR)
  • Tony Pollard (RB)
  • Kenneth Walker (RB)
  • T.J. Hockenson (TE)
  • Alexander Mattison (RB)
  • Evan McPherson (K)
  • N.Y. Jets (DEF)

I had one decision to agonize over, and that was leaving D.K. Metcalf off of my team. For starters, he was a prior trade acquisition of mine, so part of me feels like I gave up a lot to get him, and then threw him away for nothing. Granted, I don’t remember what it cost to bring him to my team, but I remember it being somewhat significant. It more or less came down to Metcalf vs. Watson. I was committed to keeping three running backs, especially when Dalvin Cook was released by the Vikings and Mattison was there to pick up all those extra snaps. Now, Mattison might be mediocre, and he might get hurt or eventually lose his starting job. But, I couldn’t resist keeping a bona fide lead running back in a high-powered offense.

The Watson vs. Metcalf debate might haunt me all season long, though. My rationale for only keeping two receivers is simple: you can always find a quality receiver late in the draft or in free agency during the season. It’s how I got Watson in the first place. I like Watson’s upside as the #1 receiver with relatively little competition from any other Packer; whereas Metcalf has to contend with Lockett and Smith-Njigba and a quarterback who likes to spread the ball around. The obvious downside is the fact that Metcalf is a proven 1,000-yard receiver, who’s going to get the lion’s share of attention in red zone situations (and, not for nothing, but he’s also got big play abilities to score from anywhere on the field). Watson is a second year player, catching balls from a quarterback in his first year as the starter. He could be a total bust! But, the big plays he was making, and his pedigree out of the draft last year, made him intriguing. You don’t win fantasy football leagues on intriguing players, I get that. But, ultimately, I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to have both Love and Watson on my team. Double touchdowns!

In lesser decision-making news, I decided to keep Love over both Stafford (old, injured last year, on a terrible team) and Mac Jones (might be good for a bounce-back under better offensive coaching, but I’ll have to see it to believe it), going for upside.

As has been the case for the last half-decade, if not longer, Quarterback is my weakest position. In a league where quarterbacks are – again – the most important position. The difference here is that I feel like I finally have someone viable in Justin Fields. If he stays healthy, he’s a strong bet to turn into a Jalen Hurts type. If that’s the case, with the rest of my team looking pretty strong, that means I need to focus on the second quarterback spot.

I’m drafting fourth this year. I also have extra picks in the first two rounds (in a deal made last season), while having given up my picks in the final two rounds. So, every team drafts their bench, essentially. Five rounds for five spots (or, in my case, three rounds for five spots).

I have it on reasonably-good authority that both Bijan Robinson and Jahmyr Gibbs will be selected ahead of me. These could be lies, of course. Competitors gaining an edge by throwing me off the scent. But, I know for a fact that one of the teams has two loaded quarterbacks and has no need to take another rookie. So, even if the other guy goes rogue and both Anthony Richardson and Bryce Young are gone by the time I select, then I have no problem whatsoever grabbing Gibbs and further bolstering my running back stable.

Based on the information I have, and knowing who the #3 pick has at quarterback heading into the draft (Aaron Rodgers and Derek Carr), I am reasonably sure he’s 1,000% taking a quarterback.

There’s one interesting wrinkle to this debate, and that’s the fact that Kirk Cousins is available as well. Of the quarterbacks not kept by teams from last year, the top holdovers are Cousins, Stafford, Daniel Jones, Sam Howell, and then the likes of Jimmy G, Ryan Tannehill, Baker Mayfield, Mac Jones, and Desmond Ridder. So, the quality is falling FAST. If #3 is looking to play for this year, and wants a safe, pro-ready option to gobble a lot of points, he could very well roll with Cousins and take his chances. If you believe Aaron Rodgers is destined for a bounce-back, on a new team, with a familiar coordinator, and a stable of studs at the skill positions around him, then you could do a lot worse choosing between Carr and Cousins every week based on matchups. I like the rest of #3’s team, so he could definitely make that work and ride it into the playoffs.

My take on this year’s rookies is pretty well set in my mind. For fantasy purposes, I think Anthony Richardson is the clear top dog. I think Bryce Young is the safest bet, even though he’s too short and doesn’t run and has no weapons and a suspect O-Line (for what it’s worth, I think they all have suspect O-Lines). And I think C.J. Stroud is the worst of the three, in the worst situation (even worse weapons, with a first time head coach who might be bad at the job, in an organization that has no idea what it’s doing). I was never taking C.J. Stroud, even if the other two guys were taken ahead of me; he’s off all my draft boards (so, knowing me, maybe bet the farm on Stroud being a Hall of Famer when it’s all said and done).

They all have drawbacks, of course. I think the hype train is a little too inflated for Richardson. He’s getting A LOT of Josh Allen comparisons. But, Josh Allens don’t grow on trees! He’s kind of a unicorn. Most quarterbacks don’t improve their completion percentages that significantly from the college to the pros. With Richardson, obviously he’s projected to be a points hog because he runs so well. And now it appears the Colts won’t have any competition for him, if they ultimately trade Jonathan Taylor (or he holds out). But, the downside is, his value is mitigated if he can’t also throw for touchdowns, or worse, if he throws a lot of interceptions (the -4 for INTs is the great equalizer in our league, and should be standard for all fantasy football leagues). Also, on a personal level, do I really want both Fields and Richardson? Two guys who run a lot, can’t throw, and are one big hit away from sinking my season?

If I were to talk myself into Bryce Young, I’d talk about his leadership, his poise, his intangibles. He’s also very accurate and he’s a winner. There’s a reason why he was the #1 pick in the NFL. Young really bridges the gap for me when it comes to being ready THIS season. Richardson might have more upside, and a higher longterm outlook for fantasy purposes. But, if I want to win THIS year? Young might be the better way to go.

My second pick in the first round isn’t until the very end, at number 10. I highly doubt Cousins will be there for me in this scenario. But, I don’t want to throw all my eggs in the Cousins basket for this year at pick 4, because he’s 35 years old, he’s on the final year of his deal, and I have no idea where he’ll be going forward. Also, it’s never fun to have to rely on Cousins; he takes a dump at the most inopportune times!

Once I have my quarterback locked in at 4, I need to scramble and get a receiver at 10. Because if I wait until the second round, it might be too late. My secret hope is that D.K. Metcalf is still there at 10, but that might be a longshot. How confident am I in Calvin Ridley? Yeesh. That’s either going to work out spectacularly or blow up in my face. I’ve always wanted Scary Terry McLaurin, and he’s out there again for me!

Of the rookie receivers, I dunno. JSN is probably the most talented, but not in a situation to showcase his talents. Do I want to trust a receiver for the Ravens? Or the third receiver on the Chargers? Or the #2 to Justin Jefferson’s #1? I wouldn’t mind terribly seeing who’s left over of those four, and taking that guy in the second round.

Then, it’s just Best Player Available. Don’t have to worry about kickers. I could always look into keeping a second defense, though I like the Jets a lot and they don’t have a BYE until Week 7. We’ll see. A lot riding on this one! I’ve been in rebuild mode for the last 3-4 years; now it’s time to see if I can take that next step.

Jason Myers Has Always Been The Placekicker. I Should Know, Sir. I’ve Always Been Here

Ready for another four years of up and down field goal kicking?!

Kicking is a fundamental part of the game. Everyone shits on it, but you look at the scoring leaders year-in and year-out and it’s nothing but kickers. They took up the top 22 spots in 2022, before Austin Ekeler and his 18 touchdowns squeaked in there. Who was at the very top of the list? Jason Myers, one point ahead of Justin Tucker.

And it’s funny you should see those two names together like that, because they’re also (now) the top two highest-paid kickers in the league. Tucker is at the top of that particular list, and then there’s Myers and his 4 years, $21.1 million.

I’m always extremely dubious about kickers. Maybe that’s because the Seahawks – by and large – have been blessed throughout my lifetime with good kicking games. Norm Johnson, John Kasay, Josh Brown, Olindo Mare, Steven Hauschka, and now Jason Myers. That’s 31 years of Seahawks football in just those six guys. So, I probably take this part of the game for granted. But, when it’s bad, it’s REALLY bad. It’s Blair Walsh losing all confidence in his leg. It’s Brett Maher missing four extra points in a game. It’s teams losing games and churning through the scrap heap over and over again until they get it right.

Did the Seahawks get it right? It would seem so. He previously signed at a fairly high level – 4 years, $15.45 million – and not only earned the entire contract, but an extension and a raise to boot. But, how much do you trust Jason Myers? On even years, I trust him a lot; but those odd years are where he randomly struggles. In reality, if my life depended on it, the only kicker I’d trust is, in fact, Justin Tucker. But, even he missed six field goals last season, five from 50+. Then again, while Myers was a perfect 6 for 6 from 50+, Tucker actually made more than Myers even attempted (9 of 14). So, it’s apples and oranges.

I don’t hate the deal. Even though the Seahawks have mostly been good at finding kickers, it’s still one of the more challenging positions to get right. I’d put it on par with finding a quality quarterback. Look at how everyone fell all over themselves (myself included) when Evan McPherson entered the league in 2021. He was phenomenal! Then, in 2022, he took a huge step back, and now it’s fair to wonder if he’s just as up and down as everyone else.

That’s where kickers and quarterbacks differ. If you have a great quarterback, usually they continue being great year-after-year. Even the best kickers can have random shit luck they have to work through. And, unlike quarterbacks, if you have one or two bad games, you could find your ass on the streets.

Jason Myers has the added challenge of playing half his games in Seattle (and one game a year on that trainwreck of an Arizona field). It’s a different game entirely for those cold weather, outdoor kickers. If you can make it in Seattle – with the rain and the marine layer – you can make it anywhere!

It’s nice not to have this part of the game to worry about. Of course, every time he lines up to kick, we’ll ALWAYS worry (until we see it go through the uprights). But, this is an important offseason for the Seahawks, so not screwing around with the kicker is to our advantage.

Nobody Wants To Hear About My Fantasy Team 2022: The Worst Possible Outcome

This season’s previous fantasy football posts:

Of course.

It’s not just that I came in last – ONCE AGAIN – in the Consolation Bracket, leaving me with only the 4th overall draft pick next year, but my trade partner – whose top two picks I get next year – also won the entire league, meaning those picks are 10th overall. The 4 and 10 picks. Fucking super. Maybe there’s some way I can trade for literally everyone’s first picks in 2024, that way I can guarantee myself a shot at a decent QB.

The only silver lining to this year is that I finally did win the championship in my Splinter League. It was a runaway. My team was great from the jump. I was projected to go 14-1 on draft day, I ended up going 11-4 through the regular season, and smoked both of my opponents in the playoffs (204.44 to 150.49 in round one, 178.30 to 147.90 in the championship). Shoutout to Christian McCaffrey and Austin Ekeler, my top two picks. Special shoutout to Jared Goff who probably saved my season. Honorable mention to CeeDee Lamb and Travis Kelce, stalwarts throughout. Even my bench rocked and rolled for me when I needed them! It’s nice to see Gabe Davis win at least one league, after such a disappointing season.

My other playoff team – in my third league – finished in fourth place, and was a colossal disappointment in the second half of the season.

All that’s left is choosing my dynasty roster for next year.

Quarterbacks

  • Justin Fields
  • Mike White
  • Mac Jones
  • Jordan Love
  • Matthew Stafford

Fields is a lock. Mac Jones is definitely out. Mike White is definitely out. Jordan Love is a wild card, but it all depends on what the Packers end up doing with him. If he remains Aaron Rodgers’ backup, then obviously he’s not going to be on my team next year. That leaves me with Matthew Stafford, who has already said he’s coming back in 2023. He’s definitely worth a shot, though obviously I’ll be drafting a quarterback with my top pick.

Running Backs

  • Ezekiel Elliott
  • Tony Pollard
  • Brian Robinson
  • Kenneth Walker
  • Alexander Mattison

I’m all in on Kenneth Walker, I think he’s just going to get better and better. My dream scenario involves the Cowboys cutting Zeke and handing the keys to Pollard, in which case I’m keeping Pollard. But, that would require a Pollard extension, which might not fit in the budget. On the plus side, maybe he lands with another run-heavy team that appreciates his talents. Mattison is another guy who will be a free agent, who could land with a run-heavy team (I mostly just picked him up so no one else could keep him). If all else fails, the Commanders seem to like Brian Robinson, and it might be interesting to see what he turns into with a full offseason of NOT getting shot in the leg in a robbery.

Wide Receivers

  • CeeDee Lamb
  • D.K. Metcalf
  • Christian Watson

Lamb is a guaranteed keeper. We’ll see with the other two. Watson has a high upside, but D.K. is already established. I could keep both, but that might be silly. Wide receivers are a dime a dozen; it’s probably more prudent to keep three running backs, what with injuries and everything.

Tight End / Kicker / Defense

  • T.J. Hockenson
  • Evan McPherson
  • New York Jets

I couldn’t be happier with where Hockenson landed. For whatever reason, the Lions just never figured him out, even though they pass a ton. The Vikings also pass a ton, but they seem to remember they also have a good tight end every once in a while. He actually finished #2 behind Kelce, which is kind of crazy, but also good on me for keeping him.

McPherson, on the other hand, REALLY took a step back in his second season. He finished 19th in kicker scoring. There were 11 guys on the scrap heap ranked ahead of him! I’m chalking that up to kicker randomness and hoping for better things in year three.

I’m cautiously optimistic with the Jets. They finished 7th in defensive scoring, but seem to have a young and talented core on that side of the ball that should continue to play well in 2023 at least. They finished MUCH better than the Rams, that’s for damn sure.

If I had to choose now, I’d go something like this:

  • Justin Fields (QB)
  • Matthew Stafford (QB)
  • CeeDee Lamb (WR)
  • D.K. Metcalf (WR)
  • Kenneth Walker (RB)
  • Tony Pollard (RB)
  • Brian Robinson (FLEX)
  • T.J. Hockenson (TE)
  • Evan McPherson (K)
  • N.Y. Jets (DEF)

My first pick is destined to be a quarterback. My second first round pick might ALSO be a quarterback. Then, it’s best player available the rest of the way (likely non-quarterbacks), with probably my early second rounder being another wide receiver.

I’ll be back with an update before next year’s season starts, where I should have a better idea of who I’m keeping.

Nobody Wants To Hear About My Fantasy Team 2022: Landslide

This season’s previous fantasy football posts:

Last week was fucking dumb. Everyone in the world shit the bed as the season winds down and the weather gets freezing, except my opponent who had the most points in our league by a wide margin. I had the second-most points of the Consolation Bracket and the third-most points in the league by a pretty comfortable margin. The highest scorer among the playoff teams got 146.85. I had 161.80. My opponent had 199.10.

The other consolation bracket game ended 138.86 to 115.30. It’s patently ridiculous that I’m iced out of a top two pick, meanwhile a team that had 23 fewer points gets to move on. But, that’s fantasy football for you. It’s a fucking waking nightmare for four months a year.

I guess the silver lining here is that there’s nothing I could’ve done to change my outcome. I didn’t tinker endlessly like I did in one of my other leagues, leaving the points on my bench that would’ve propelled me to victory. Sure, Mac Jones outscored both of my starting quarterbacks (somehow, through garbage time points), but not to an extent that would’ve mattered in the grand scheme of things.

So, now I turn my sights to getting the third pick. I have to get through Sloane N Steady – this year’s Toilet Trophy recipient – to do so. Here are my guys:

  • Justin Fields (QB) @ Det
  • Mike White (QB) @ Sea
  • CeeDee Lamb (WR) @ Ten
  • D.K. Metcalf (WR) vs. NYJ
  • Kenneth Walker (RB) vs. NYJ
  • Tony Pollard (RB) @ Ten
  • T.J. Hockenson (TE) @ GB
  • Christian Watson (WR) vs. Min
  • Evan McPherson (K) vs. Buf
  • N.Y. Jets (DEF) @ Sea

It is what it is at this point. I’m legitimately shocked I couldn’t get more out of Tyler Huntley this year. He looked so good last year in his limited reps, at least from a fantasy perspective. Maybe I’m mis-remembering, I dunno. That was my impression anyway, and I was totally off base!

I hate Mac Jones with the fire of a thousand suns, so he seems like a pretty safe bet to become a viable fantasy quarterback in the next couple of years. That’s how it works. You join my team before you’re ready, you STINK up the joint, I give up on you and vow to never have you on my team ever again, someone else takes a flier on you in the later rounds the following year, bingo bango bongo, you’re a superstar.

I’ll tell you this much, I want to bench Kenneth Walker and start Brian Robinson. Walker is going up against a stout Jets defense. Robinson is going up against a poor Browns rushing defense. Everything in my gut tells me Robinson is going to out-score Walker. But, I’ve decided to stop tinkering, to go with the guys who got me here, and in this case that means keeping Walker in my starting lineup come what may. Any choice I make will be the wrong choice, is the conclusion I’ve come to, so I’d rather doom the Seahawks to lose this game if all things are equal.

Here’s who Sloane N Steady’s got:

  • Derek Carr (QB) vs. SF
  • Aaron Rodgers (QB) vs. Min
  • Amon-Ra St. Brown (WR) vs. Chi
  • Michael Pittman Jr. (WR) @ NYG
  • Dalvin Cook (RB) @ GB
  • Nick Chubb (RB) @ Was
  • Juwan Johnson (TE) @ Phi
  • Travis Etienne (RB) @ Hou
  • Brett Maher (K) @ Ten
  • Cincinnati (DEF) vs. Buf

I don’t have anything to say. Frankly, this LOOKS like a matchup of the two worst teams in the league. I have Nick Chubb in another league and I don’t know if he’s had a touchdown in the second half of the season, so watch him blow up in this one.

Nobody Wants To Hear About My Fantasy Team 2022: A Peek Into My Other Teams

This season’s previous fantasy football posts:

Just to close up a dangling thread from last week, Einfach A.F. did, in fact, win, so they’re moving on to the regular playoffs. Which means the two picks I receive from them in trade are getting worse and worse.

Since nothing happened with RoundTine last week (I will say that I scored the fewest points of any team in the Consolation Bracket, which is either an ominous sign, or the first shitty waffle everyone throws away before the good ones start popping out), I thought I’d talk about my two other fantasy football teams. In leagues where I made the actual playoffs!

Puppy Monkey Baby is my pride and joy. My Splinter League team finished in first place at 11-4, two games better than my playoff brothers and sisters (who all finished 9-6). I’m pretty loaded here at every spot but quarterback (we, thankfully, have eliminated kickers and a mandatory tight end position, though we allow two flex spots where you could play tight ends if you want).

I’m talking CeeDee Lamb and Amon-Ra St. Brown. I’m talking Christian McCaffrey and Austin Ekeler. I’m talking Travis Kelce, Kenneth Walker, and the Steelers’ surging defense. I’m talking a bench comprised of useful dudes who would be starters on other teams: Chris Olave, Cordarrelle Patterson, Gabe Davis, and Mike Williams. I also took a flier on Jameson Williams (who hasn’t panned out, but oh well, you can’t win ’em all).

It’s dicey with the quarterbacks, though (it’s another 2-QB league). Jared Goff has been fine (sometimes good, sometimes not). Kenny Pickett is my preferred #2, however I also have Andy Dalton. If I’m winning this league, I’m winning in spite of these guys. I need the rest of my team to pick up the slack!

In my third league, RUM HAM! went 6-0 to start the year. I was 7-7 heading into last week. I needed to win, and I needed my brother to knock someone out of my spot in the playoffs. It came to pass, and so here I am, the 4-seed, and the least-likely person to win this league.

Justin Jefferson has been as advertised this season. Nick Chubb has been pretty great, but he’s definitely fallen off in recent weeks. Terry McLaurin has been on a disappointing team with disappointing quarterbacks. I figured Lamar Jackson would lay the league to waste this year, but he’s been relatively mediocre. This is another league where I’ve got Gabe Davis, though in this one I’ve had to use him almost every week, to frustrating results.

I’ve had Kareem Hunt as a handcuff all year, but it hasn’t paid off. I also started the year with both starting Rams running backs, and that was a total disaster. I was able to grab J.K. Dobbins a couple weeks ago, and I’ve got Zack Moss (for the Colts) in there now, but it might be too little too late. I do have Buffalo’s kicker and Philly’s defense, who have both been pretty reliable during their non-BYE weeks (both in week 7), but my guys just don’t score enough touchdowns in general. I rarely ever have big breakout weeks. It could be we just haven’t seen my team play to its fullest potential, but I think I’m VERY lucky to be in this position, and this playoff spot is probably wasted on me.

We’ll see how it goes! Fantasy Football gets exciting this week! Let’s get back to RoundTine and see what I’m working with in the all-important Consolation Bracket:

  • Justin Fields (QB) vs. Buf
  • Tyler Huntley (QB) vs. Atl
  • CeeDee Lamb (WR) vs. Phi
  • D.K. Metcalf (WR) @ KC
  • Kenneth Walker (RB) @ KC
  • Tony Pollard (RB) vs. Phi
  • T.J. Hockenson (TE) vs. NYG
  • Christian Watson (WR) @ Mia
  • Evan McPherson (K) @ NE
  • N.Y. Jets (DEF) vs. Jax

I’m only playing Huntley if Lamar Jackson is out again this week. Otherwise, I’m stuck with Mac Jones vs. Cincinnati. Mike White – my ultimate choice to be my #2 QB – was killed in a Revenant-style bear attack on the football field a couple weeks ago.

I have two viable bench players, if needed. Ezekiel Elliott is obviously there, if I need him. And Brian Robinson is going up against the 49ers. So, Zeke would be my obvious first choice between the two.

This week, for my Consolation Bracket livelihood, I’m going up against The Lance Petemans, in a matchup of 8 vs. 9. Here’s his team:

  • Kirk Cousins (QB) vs. NYG
  • Jared Goff (QB) @ Car
  • Tyreek Hill (WR) vs. GB
  • DeAndre Hopkins (WR) vs. TB
  • James Conner (RB) vs. TB
  • Tyler Allgeier (RB) @ Bal
  • Darren Waller (TE) @ Pit
  • Keenan Allen (WR) @ Ind
  • Robbie Gould (K) vs. Was
  • Cleveland (DEF) vs. NO

I traded him Tyreek Hill a few years ago and have rued it ever since. So, expect him to blow up for 40 points. The rest of the guys are capable of big days, but they’re also capable of stinkeroos. So, we’ll see.

I’m not confident. Winning the Consolation Bracket is something I’ve wanted SO desperately for years now; ever since we started trending towards being a dynasty league, with more and more keepers every year. Basically, ever since I realized my team wasn’t good enough to hack it with the big boys, because my keepers (read: quarterbacks) have been trash. The best I’ve finished is second (meaning I had the second overall draft pick) and my reward was the top non-QB rookie position player off the board: Clyde Edward-Helaire.

I need a stud rookie quarterback. I can’t get that guy with the fourth overall pick. I would LOVE it if I landed in the top two. But, for that to happen, I must win this week.

I want it too much! I want it too much, so it’s not going to happen for me. That’s the way this works.

Nobody Wants To Hear About My Fantasy Team 2022: Not Last Place!

It’s a bummer, because I was one tinkering week away from a 5-game winning streak and a pretty legitimate chance at sneaking into the playoffs. Without getting too bogged down in hypotheticals, if I had been riding that 5-game winning streak, all I’d need to do is win this week, have another team lose (as he’s projected to do), and I would’ve achieved the unlikeliest playoff berth in league history.

As it stands, I’m currently 5-8 and have put myself in a position to be guaranteed that I’m not in last place. How is that possible? Well, there are two teams currently sitting at 4-9, and they’re both going head-to-head in this week’s regular season finale. So, win or lose, I’m guaranteed to hand off the last place Toilet Trophy to someone else!

I accomplished this feat by taking down Beasts, who was sitting in second place last week (and has since fallen to third). Beasts has the second-most points scored this season, but he lost to RoundTine 155.95 to 144.60.

It wasn’t looking good heading into Sunday night’s 5pm game, as he had a 27-point lead over me, with Tampa’s defense still set to go Monday night. But, my Cowboys dominated – with both Lamb and Pollard getting 20+ points – and I was just able to hold on.

I also had big weeks from D.K. Metcalf and Christian Watson, with competent weeks from Mike White and Justin Fields (I resisted the urge to start Mac Jones, but it turns out the difference would’ve been negligible). I’m very concerned about Kenneth Walker’s injury – that very nearly cost me – but hopefully he’ll be able to return to health soon enough.

I put in a waiver claim for Brock Purdy – the 49ers starter, now that Jimmy G is out – and thought I had a good shot at him. I had #3 priority, which should’ve been plenty good for a nothing quarterback. I like him because the 49ers’ offense seems to be idiot-proof. He also might be a weird diamond in the rough. But, that was shot to hell when some jagweed with higher priority stole him from me. So, I settled for my backup option: waiver claim for Tyler Huntley. He might only be available to me for this one week, which probably makes it a waste of my waiver priority, but what are you gonna do? You can’t take it with you!

In the regular season finale, I’m going up against Einfach A.F. It has minor implications, as a RoundTine victory would help Korky Butchek sneak into that 6th seed (assuming Korky defeats Beasts), but all I can do is set my lineup and let the chips fall where they may. Here’s who I’ve got:

  • Mac Jones (QB) @ Ari
  • Tyler Huntley (QB) @ Pit
  • CeeDee Lamb (WR) vs. Hou
  • Gabe Davis (WR) vs. NYJ
  • Ezekiel Elliott (RB) vs. Hou
  • Tony Pollard (RB) vs. Hou
  • T.J. Hockenson (TE) @ Det
  • D.K. Metcalf (WR) vs. Car
  • Evan McPherson (K) vs. Cle
  • N.Y. Jets (DEF) @ Buf

No Justin Fields, Christian Watson, or Brian Robinson this week due to BYEs. I’m assuming Kenneth Walker will be out. So, that really limits my options.

That being said, even if I were at full strength, I would still start both Cowboys running backs in a heartbeat. Against the Texans?! Yes please!

I hate having to start Gabe Davis, especially against the Jets’ elite secondary. I’m hoping to make up for that with a big game from D.K. I’m dubious that CeeDee Lamb will do much, as I feel like the Cowboys are just going to run the ball 50 times. So, here’s hoping Hockenson can have a big game.

I don’t love the Huntley matchup at Pittsburgh, but I just blew a waiver on him, so I better start him. Mike White at the Bills doesn’t do much for me. But, who knows, maybe I’ll get cold feet with Mac Jones yet again and opt to go with White at the last minute.

Here’s what I’m going up against:

  • Jalen Hurts (QB) @ NYG
  • Geno Smith (QB) vs. Car
  • Stefon Diggs (WR) vs. NYJ
  • Deebo Samuel (WR) vs. TB
  • Latavius Murray (RB) vs. KC
  • Jeff Wilson Jr. (RB) @ LAC
  • Pat Freiermuth (TE) vs. Bal
  • Adam Thielen (WR) @ Det
  • Justin Tucker (K) @ Pit
  • Baltimore (DEF) @ Pit

His skill guys aren’t the scariest in the world, but his quarterbacks more than make up for it. Also, every time I have Gabe Davis going up against Stefon Diggs, it’s a fucking bloodbath against me, so that’s a nightmare.

That being said, if I’m being perfectly honest, I think I’d rather go up against Korky Butchek in the Consolation Bracket over Einfach A.F. So, I won’t be too broken up if I lose this weekend.

On the flipside, though, if I can knock Einfach A.F. out of the playoffs, I’ve got his top two draft picks next year, so I’d be guaranteed to have two picks out of the top four in both of the first two rounds, which would be SWEET.

Nobody Wants To Hear About My Fantasy Team 2022: Mr. Tinker Train

I was so damn close to winning four in a row, it’s sickening. Officially, my late-week tinkering fucked me. But, unofficially, I believe I would’ve won if only Justin Fields were still healthy. That, or if the Patriots didn’t play on Thursday night.

See, I took Mac Jones out of my lineup in favor of Mike White of the Jets. The White move in a vacuum was genius, as he got me 33.95 against the Bears. But, that was when I erroneously believed Fields would still go on Sunday. That meant dropping Mac Jones to my bench, who improbably got 31.1 points against the Vikings on Thanksgiving night. He looked terrific! Zipping the ball down field like I’d never seen before! Where the hell has this guy been all year?!

Anyway, when it was decided that Fields would take this week off, that left me with the terrible option of starting the Rams’ backup, Bryce Perkins, whoever that is. He threw a couple of picks and only 100 yards, while only rushing for 44 yards to boot, ending up with a feeble 7.4 points on the week. Clearly, if I’d gone with Mac Jones, I would’ve cruised to victory. Instead, I lost to Car Talk With Josh Allen 163.35 to 151.15.

My bench really crushed. Christian Watson – as expected – got me 21 points for my bench. That was a big leap over Gabe Davis, that overrated shitheel who only got me 7.8. That’s another move that cost me the week. Ezekiel Elliott got me 16.5 for my bench, over Tony Pollard’s 8.1. And, for good measure, Brian Robinson got 20.5 on the week. Nightmare scenario, all the way around.

I’m in a similar quarterback conundrum this week, because once again I don’t know if Fields will play, and once again I have Mac Jones going on Thursday. I have to play Mike White, because he’s the hot hand, and he’s going up against a pretty measly Vikings defense. Jones is at home against the Bills, but I’m not sure if I’m in a position where I can afford to trust Jones just yet. He might not be terrible, is the thing. Even as the bane of my existence this year, he’s still good for 10-15 points when healthy. The 31 he got last week is definitely going to be considered an anomaly until I see it happen again.

On the plus side, it sounds like Fields is feeling better. Is that good enough to actually see game action? We’ll find out. Athletes tend to be overly-optimistic in these cases, when in reality they’re dealing with superhuman pain. Failing that, if I opt to bench Jones again, that leaves me with whoever ends up starting for the Rams. Against a porous Seahawks defense, that might not be the worst thing in the world.

I didn’t make any waiver moves this week, so my priority is all the way up to 3. I don’t know who’s about to become available or desired, but my roster is pretty jam-packed with guys I like. Relatively speaking, that is. For a 4-8 team.

Here’s who I’m looking at starting this week:

  • Mac Jones (QB) vs. Buf
  • Mike White (QB) @ Min
  • CeeDee Lamb (WR) vs. Ind
  • Christian Watson (WR) @ Chi
  • Kenneth Walker (RB) @ LAR
  • Tony Pollard (RB) vs. Ind
  • T.J. Hockenson (TE) vs. NYJ
  • D.K. Metcalf (WR) @ LAR
  • Evan McPherson (K) vs. KC
  • N.Y. Jets (DEF) @ Min

I’m NOT happy about starting Jones in this position. I sat him last week and he got me 31. I’ll start him this week and he’ll get me 13 and I’ll be thoroughly annoyed. Meanwhile, if Fields ends up playing, then White will have to sit, which is also annoying because I think he’s got a very juicy matchup against the Vikings. I might tinker with this again before gametime tonight.

I don’t know how much more I can afford to start Pollard over Zeke. I’ll give it another week because Indy’s defense is pretty good. That being said, I learned some possibly-disturbing news that Pollard is going to be a free agent after this season. On the one hand, that means he’s free to sign wherever, and command a starting job next year. On the other hand, will that team utilize him to as great an effect as the Cowboys have the last couple years? I’ll be VERY interested in where his career takes him.

Gabe Davis is done as a starter for me. He’s purely a bench/fill-in guy for injuries and/or BYE weeks. I look forward to not having him next year. He’s too much of a boom/bust guy in an offense that throws it a shit-ton.

I’m doomed to a fate of facing Beasts this week, who is going to murder me with these guys:

  • Justin Herbert (QB) @ LV
  • Russell Wilson (QB) @ Bal
  • Tyler Lockett (WR) @ LAR
  • Courtland Sutton (WR) @ Bal
  • Derrick Henry (RB) @ Phi
  • Christian McCaffrey (RB) vs. Mia
  • Mark Andrews (TE) vs. Den
  • Josh Jacobs (WR) vs. LAC
  • Jason Myers (K) @ LAR
  • Tampa Bay (DEF) vs. NO

Those running backs are insane. He’ll likely beat me with just those guys alone.