Nobody Wants To Hear About My Fantasy Team 2023: Back In The Saddle Again!

It’s been a minute since I’ve been in the playoffs in this league. Considering it’s a 10-team league and 60% of the teams actually make the playoffs? That’s pretty terrible. Last year I finished in 9th place in the regular season, and dead last in the Consolation Bracket. In 2021, I finished in 10th place in the regular season and second-to-last in the Consolation Bracket. In 2020, I snuck into the playoffs as a 6-seed, lost in the first round, and lost again in the 5th place game. In 2019, I was 8th. 2018 was the last time I cracked the top four, and ended up in 4th place.

The last time I was a legitimate contender for this league? You have to go all the way back to 2010, when I came in second. In 2009, I won it all, but 2010 was the first year of the Trophy Era. I do not have my name on that trophy; it’s a sore spot for me. I’ve won other leagues, but not this one. We’ve morphed from just being a league for fun, to being a league for fun and money, to being a keeper league with a trophy, to being a dynasty league. And ever since we introduced keepers, and slowly increased the number of keepers until now – where we’re keeping a full starting lineup, including 1 flex, a kicker, and a defense – I’ve been in Quarterback Hell. It’s been so bad that I’ve essentially been in rebuilding mode since 2019, desperately trying to figure out my two QB spots.

High first round picks galore have been used on the Next Big Thing. It started with Jameis Winston and Carson Wentz. It evolved into Daniel Jones and Tom Brady’s last year in New England (when it looked like he was cooked), in an ill-fated trade that saw me give away Tyreek Hill. Then, there was my big Tua campaign as a rookie, when he looked like he was going to be a noodle-armed nobody. There was Mac Jones and Justin Fields, just PRAYING that one of them would pan out. That’s been the last two seasons, in fact, while I also took a flier on Jordan Love as a late-2022 pick-up.

I kept Love and Fields heading into 2023, and it honestly looked like more of the same ol’ bullshit. Fields was erratic early, got hurt, and it looked like his team once again was letting him fail. Love seemed to get off to a hot start, but was VERY turnover-prone for a while there. I picked up Cousins in the draft to have some competent depth, but we all know how that ended. And, of course, I made Bryce Young my first pick (over C.J. Stroud), who has been languishing on my bench all season.

But, you know what else I did? Through it all, I made some pretty shrewd moves over the last couple years of dynasty play. I locked down CeeDee Lamb and targeted him as a guy worth keeping as a rookie. I handcuffed Ezekiel Elliott with Tony Pollard and haven’t missed a beat with owning the Dallas backfield all this time. I got T.J. Hockenson off waivers, I’ve had the Jets defense the last two years, I’ve managed to keep a quality kicker (Cincy’s guy the last two years, Cleveland’s guy this year). I drafted Kenneth Walker as a rookie (and handcuffed him midseason with Charbonnet). And this year, I set up my bench pretty effectively outside of the QB spot. I grabbed Kyren Williams as a free agent. I drafted Jordan Addison (who was great when Cousins was healthy), I picked up Tank Dell, Trey McBride, and Rashee Rice (all of which look like stars going forward). Frankly, I have so many players I like, it’s a shame I can’t keep some of these bench guys! At the very least, I can prevent other people from keeping them, and therefore afford myself a chance at drafting them next year.

For the last two years, I’ve felt like my team is as complete as can be, outside of the QB spots. Last year, the situation was so dire, I once again found myself near the bottom of the league, with a real stark situation on my hands heading into 2023. But, Fields is healthy again, and is looking MUCH improved as a passer. And Love has taken a significant step forward (this past Monday notwithstanding), after looking like a guy I might have to cut at some point. Hell, I almost traded him away, but the guy who wanted him (a Packers fan) thought I was asking too much in return (a Packer tax, as it were).

I don’t know if I’m a legitimate playoff contender or not. I mean, I’m in the playoffs – and I just leapfrogged my first round opponent for the 4-seed after beating him pretty handily (153.25 to 125.40) in Week 14 – but can I win it all? I do have the third-most points scored in the league, and that’s with three separate 2-game losing streaks, and a significant mid-season lull where I was averaging under 130 points in five out of six weeks (my overall weekly average for the season is over 150, for frame of reference). And, for the first time in I don’t know how many years, I feel like I’ve at least got a handle on this quarterback situation (barring injury) for at least the next month. If not maybe the next year(s) to come.

I’ve long said I don’t need the best of the best. I don’t need Mahomes and Allen. I just need competent guys who can score in the 20’s, and once in a while get me in the 30’s. Who aren’t a regular threat to get me less than 10. I feel like there’s a pretty solid floor with Fields and his rushing ability (again, when healthy), and I feel like the sky might be the limit with Love, as he’s able to develop with a pretty nice set of young receivers.

It’ll be great having the luxury of going out and drafting just a competent veteran backup (a la Cousins or Stafford) next year, instead of trying to scramble to predict who the next rookie stud is going to be. Considering I’m definitely not drafting in the Top 4, and very well might not draft until the Bottom 4, it’s a good thing I’m able to have this level of confidence. Now, it’s just a matter of going out and winning the games that need to be won.

The playoffs start this week. Once again, I’m playing Sloane N Steady in the 4 vs. 5 matchup. Here is my lineup:

  • Jordan Love (QB) vs. TB
  • Justin Fields (QB) @ Cle
  • CeeDee Lamb (WR) @ Buf
  • Rashee Rice (WR) @ NE
  • Tony Pollard (RB) @ Buf
  • Kyren Williams (RB) vs. Was
  • T.J. Hockenson (TE) @ Cin
  • Kenneth Walker (RB) vs. Phi
  • Dustin Hopkins (K) vs. Chi
  • N.Y. Jets (DEF) @ Mia

I don’t have a lot of great options on my bench. Walker is going up against Philly’s defense, which is notoriously stingy against the run. But, Trey McBride is going up against the 49ers (stingy against TEs, and will probably dominate Arizona from start to finish); Addison is dealing with a new starting QB in Nick Mullens; and I can’t be sure if Christian Watson is healthy enough to be worth playing. Walker feels like a safe bet; he looked solid against the 49ers, and seemed to come out of that game without any aggravation to his oblique. Plus, Philly’s defense has looked shaky has hell recently, and this is a Kitchen Sink game for the Seahawks; as much of a must-win as it gets, in their minds, anyway.

I’m VERY intrigued by Addison, especially if Justin Jefferson is out this week, and Nick Mullens is under center. Mullens is at least somewhat competent. What’s giving me pause there is the fact that I don’t know if I want to rely THAT much on Mullens, when I’ve already got his TE in play.

As for Watson, he’s looking like he’ll be a week or two away from full strength, so I dropped him for Ty Chandler, the Vikings’ backup RB. Mattison is looking doubtful to go this week, and my opponent might have a need for an emergency RB in his lineup, so I thought I’d play the waiver game a bit. Besides, I’ve been saying all year that the Vikings have been looking for every excuse to bench Mattison, why couldn’t Chandler be an improvement?

Here is Sloane N Steady’s lineup:

  • Derek Carr (QB) vs. NYG
  • Will Levis (QB) vs. Hou
  • Brandon Aiyuk (WR) @ Ari
  • Amon-Ra St. Brown (WR) vs. Den
  • Isiah Pacheco (RB) @ NE
  • Travis Etienne (RB) vs. Bal
  • Kyle Pitts (TE) @ Car
  • Michael Pittman (WR) vs. Pit
  • Evan McPherson (K) vs. Min
  • Baltimore (DEF) @ Jax

He scored an inordinately low amount of points last week. Pacheco was out early in the week with an injury; Gus Edwards in his place stunk up the joint. Carr returned from injury, but couldn’t put up more than 14 points. Amon-Ra St. Brown had an anomaly of a bad game with 5.10 points. The Ravens’ defense gave up a ton of points to the Rams. And no one individual player scored over 20 points. Can’t win that way!

I expect bounce-backs galore this week. I think Levis can have a monster game against Houston. I think St. Brown will be force-fed at will. I think Aiyuk will have a Deebo-like game. Pacheco will likely be back and making lives miserable. And I could see the Ravens really smashing the Jags.

It’s going to be tough. I don’t LOVE my matchups. But, my guys are going to have to figure out a way to get the job done. Otherwise, it’s going to be a HUGE failure of a season. It all comes down to this week. What I dread the most. All the marbles riding on one single game. Good grief.

Nobody Wants To Hear About My Fantasy Team 2023: Draft Results May Vary

I completed three fantasy football drafts in about an 80-hour span; is it possible to feel terrible about every single one of them?

Before we dive into my Dyntasy League 5-round draft, I’ll talk a little bit about my other two teams, as I seem to have stumbled into a couple of different strategies without even trying.

Every draft is different. You never know where you’re going to land in any given draft (assuming it’s randomly selected for you), you never know who’s going to be available (who people reach for, or who people steal from you at the last moment), and so you can go into a draft with one plan, but circumstances force you to go another way.

I try to be adaptable. I’m just looking for as many good players as possible. If it comes down to one of two guys, I’ll simply take the player I want to root for more. And I definitely tend to skew towards younger players, especially at running back and wide receiver.

Yet, I think I have two wildly different teams! To wit, the True League, and my team, RUM HAM:

  • Jalen Hurts (QB)
  • Aaron Rodgers (QB)
  • James Conner (RB)
  • Dalvin Cook (RB)
  • Breece Hall (RB)
  • Elijah Mitchell (RB)
  • Jonathan Taylor (RB)
  • Jahan Dotson (WR)
  • Treylon Burks (WR)
  • Zay Flowers (WR)
  • Jaxon Smith-Njigba (WR)
  • Cooper Kupp (WR)
  • Jameson Williams (WR)
  • Travis Kelce (TE)
  • Kicker TBD
  • New York Jets (DEF)

There’s injury concerns (Conner, Hall, Mitchell, Taylor, Kupp), there’s age concerns (Rodgers, Kelce, Conner again), and then there’s just an endless array of first- and second-year players (Hall, Dotson, Burks, Flowers, JSN, Williams). This is more of a standard scoring league, with half-PPR I believe, but I don’t know if I have enough TD-power to cut the mustard. Will Taylor return to playing football this season? How bad is Kupp’s injury? How many games will I get out of Conner? When will Hall have his inevitable set-back? Will I be able to hold onto Williams through his entire 6-week suspension?

There’s a lot of questions swirling around my team. On the one end of the spectrum of possibilities, I’ll be spending every week scrambling to field a healthy team, constantly worried about and second-guessing injury reports. On the other end, my hurt guys get healthy, and I’m able to field a juggernaut by season’s end that will take me all the way to the championship. High variance, high reward!

Also, I should say, I do like Dotson and Burks more than most. And, really, the Cardinals ONLY have Conner, so he should feast as the only dude on that offense.

Now, here’s my other team, The Annexation Of Puerto Rico, in my beloved Splinter League:

  • Josh Allen (QB)
  • Dak Prescott (QB)
  • Matthew Stafford (QB)
  • Bijan Robinson (RB)
  • Rachaad White (RB)
  • Tyler Allgeier (RB)
  • Amon-Ra St. Brown (WR)
  • Tee Higgins (WR)
  • Christian Kirk (WR)
  • George Pickens (WR)
  • Brandon Aiyuk (WR)
  • Treylon Burks (WR)
  • Jameson Williams (WR)
  • Pittsburgh Steelers (DEF)

On the flipside, not a lot of injury issues here, at least out of the gate. But, I also don’t have the glut of running backs to pull from in a pinch. Thankfully, I have the Falcons guys to fall back on, but if White is a bust, I’m kind of screwed.

In the True League, I had the fifth pick in the draft. After the usual suspects went 1-4, I made Kelce my top overall pick. By contrast, in the Splinter League, I had the second pick. Last year, I won it all by having the 10th pick, so this was a VASTLY different experience for me. My Splinter League is even more quarterback-crazy (2 QB league, 1 point per 15 passing yards, 6-point TDs, -4 INTs), and I’m happy to say I got to take Josh Allen for the first time ever. That’s a recipe for him having an uncharacteristically-down year if I’ve ever heard one!

Anyway, I guess we’ll see. I should point out that in the True League, I got an A+ grade by Yahoo, second overall in the league. And, in the Splinter League, I also got an A+ grade, first overall. Will that mean anything? We’ll see. I had a high grade last year in Splinter as well, and ended up winning the whole thing. But, there’s a lot that goes into a championship season; you need to get extremely lucky along the way.

In my Dynasty League, my team – Fight The Mattriarchy! – got a D grade, 8th out of 10 teams. Since everyone’s 10 keepers get slotted randomly into the draft rounds 1-10, I don’t know how much of that grade is outside of my control. But, with the way AI has been trending, I think Yahoo is probably able to take a global view of every team’s quality and depth of players and make an honest assessment. I mean, I’ve been kind of bottom-feeding for a while now; maybe my keepers aren’t up to snuff.

I wrote about my dilemma last week, so you can read that HERE. That link will also tell you who my keepers were. Without further ado, let’s talk about my 5-round draft! Or, rather, my 3-round/5-person draft.

As expected, the two rookie running backs went 1 and 2 (Bijan and Jahmyr Gibbs). That left one guy standing between me and the quarterback of my dreams/nightmares. He ended up taking Anthony Richardson, which left me no choice but to take Bryce Young. Here’s hoping that #1 overall NFL draft pedigree accounts for something!

By the time I selected with my second pick in the first round, I sadly missed out on re-acquiring D.K. Metcalf, who went two picks earlier. I also missed out on Joe Mixon, C.J. Stroud, Calvin Ridley, and Daniel Jones. So, I made my pick, and I made it Kirk Cousins.

He was already on my radar as a potential pick at #4, because I’ve got Fields and Love, so why not have a little leeway in case of injuries or ineffectiveness? Now, I get to have both my cake and eating it too! I get my rookie lottery ticket, AND I get the veteran who’s mostly good, but occasionally terrible when you least can afford it. I’m not saying I love having Cousins on my team; I’m just saying he should be better than Young and Love, at least in the early going.

I’M FIELDING A FANTASY TEAM WITH TWO COMPETENT QUARTERBACKS IF IT FUCKING KILLS ME!

The second round went pretty well for me: JSN, Sam Howell, and Isiah Pacheco with the top three. I had pretty much my pick of the rookie receivers, and opted to go with the guy from the Vikings, Jordan Addison. I would’ve taken him even if I didn’t have Cousins, but I love having them both, for obvious Double Touchdown reasons! The rest of the second round went Miles Sanders, James Cook, Dotson, Mac Jones, and Mike Williams before I selected again. I would’ve only wanted Dotson, or MAYBE Cook, out of that group. I’ve had Mac Jones for the last couple seasons, and good riddance!

With my second pick in the second round, I got to FINALLY draft Scary Terry McLaurin! I’ve wanted him since he was a rookie, but he was snagged out from under me. Having him fall to me couldn’t have gone better; I’m very happy with my receiver depth now!

Finally, the third round went like this: Dalton Kincaid, Christian Kirk, and Aiyuk. That left me with Dalvin Cook as my final draft pick of the evening. I don’t love him as a long-term prospect, but early on he should get the bulk of the carries as Hall returns from his injury. Cook is also insurance against Alexander Mattison, in the event a starter’s load doesn’t suit him well. As long as Cook stays healthy, Aaron Rodgers is going to want him in there, and that offense should have enough meat on the bone for all their stars, including Cook for an occasional TD. Who’s to say Cook couldn’t be the Ezekiel Elliott in this offense, vulturing touchdowns left and right?!

For Week 1, I’m starting Fields & Cousins, Lamb & Watson, Walker & Pollard, Hockenson & Cook (though, I may put McLaurin in there as a last-minute replacement, if it looks like he’s fully healthy, because that Arizona defense looks like straight garbage).

We’ll see how it all goes! I’ll be on here every week lamenting my losses and celebrating my victories.

I’m Having A Hard Time Getting Excited For Football Right Now

This SHOULD be the perfect scenario to get me super pumped for football. We had another down college basketball season; hockey was fun, but in a Just Glad To Be There sort of way when it came to a middling playoff run; and the Mariners are obviously in the midst of yet another in a long line of disappointing seasons (save one) over the last couple decades.

When it’s late-July and baseball is going nowhere, downtrodden Seattle sports fans turn their sights to the impending football season, and all the possibilities therein. But, not me.

I don’t know what it is. Maybe the Mariners play a part in that, in how far below expectations they’ve landed, sucking all of our collective wills to live. There’s a case to be made to have high expectations for both the Seahawks and Huskies. The Seahawks are coming off of an unlikely playoff appearance, they’re coming off of back-to-back potentially-elite draft classes, the dark cloud of the previous era of Seahawks football came to a close with Russell Wilson playing in Denver now. Vibes are high! Now, take the Huskies; they’re coming off of an unlikely bowl game victory, and an even unlikelier double digit-win season. That came on the heels of the team totally falling apart, and the death knell of the Chris Petersen-to-Jimmy Lake Era that had once achieved soaring heights. With most of our important players returning, vibes are even higher on Montlake!

It’s not hard to remember when our expectations were as mammoth; see: the 2023 Mariners.

Now remember that we’re Seattle sports fans, and Seattle is Sports Hell. It’s not Sports Hell because all our teams are miserable all the damn time. It’s so much more than that! We’re in Sports Hell because of this very scenaro. Because our teams do – occasionally – see expectations raised. And THAT’S when our teams choose to fall on their fucking faces.

We have decades upon decades full of experience in this arena. And exactly three championships for our efforts, between the Supersonics, Seahawks, Mariners, and Husky basketball & football teams. In my 42 years of existence – since I’ve been rooting for these respective teams – I’ve only gotten to witness the one (Super Bowl XLVIII), since I wasn’t a Husky fan in the early 90’s. That’s a lotta heartbreak.

I’ve seen a lot of good-not-great teams in my lifetime. The Sonics of the entire 1990’s, the Mariners of the mid 90’s, the turn-of-the-century Mariners (who were a very different beast entirely), the Holmgren Era Seahawks, the Romar Era Huskies, the Legion Of Boom, the Chris Peterson Huskies, the Post-LOB Seahawks, and this current era of Mariners baseball. There’s a lot of great memories sprinkled throughout, but one main throughline: they all fell short of ultimate glory, save one.

I’ve discussed this topic quite a bit on my blog throughout the years. It’s all a matter of perspective. If I was able to just enjoy the journey, take these teams for what they are, and accept the fact that we can’t always win it all, then I’m sure I’d be a lot happier. But, how do you enjoy the 2023 Mariners, when you know this team is underachieving, and we all expected them to be better than they are? This team was supposed to win 90+ games in the regular season and really make a dent in the playoffs; instead, they’re struggling to get to 81 wins, and will almost certainly not reach the post-season. And, as such, now we go into 2024 with more questions than answers. We go into 2024 with more holes than we thought we’d have, and an apparent lack of opportunities and willingness to do what it takes to fill those holes.

I guess the answer to that question is: don’t have expectations going in. If I had zero expectations for the 2023 Mariners, then maybe I could appreciate a .500 team that’s still kinda/sorta in it, and hold out hope that they’ll figure something out in the next two months to eke their way into the playoffs.

But, that’s not how I’m wired. That’s how a fairweather fan thinks, or a complete non-fan. My fiancé could do that, because she isn’t saddled with the burden of following these teams, and has zero interest in them outside of the fact that I have interest, and she enjoys my company enough to care about what I care about.

I can’t go into this football season with no expectations. I see the 2023 Seahawks and I see a team on the rise. I see a lot of talented youths with potential for greatness. I see a division and an NFC that’s up for grabs, and I see us as a potential dark horse.

Then, I see the 2023 Huskies and I see a team that’s there! That’s a legitimate contender for the Pac-12 crown, and if they play their cards right, maybe even a berth in the college football playoffs.

In total, I see two football teams where you don’t necessarily have to squint very hard to see them going pretty far. Just as I saw a certain Mariners team, in the very same light.

So, how could my favorite football teams Mariners things up this season?

Well, the Huskies might just be God-awful on defense, particularly in the secondary and linebacker units. They might need to score a ton on offense every single week, which means they’d have to be damn near perfect on an efficiency standpoint. What if Michael Penix doesn’t even remotely resemble a Heisman Trophy candidate? What if the O-Line doesn’t hold up? What if we get bitten by the injury bug or bad fumble luck? What if we simply lose two fucking conference games and it knocks us out of the conference race entirely? It doesn’t take a whole helluva lot to ruin a college football team with high expectations. Two Pac-12 defeats, that’d do it. We always lose at least one dumb bullshit game against some fucking annoyingly shitty Arizona or Bay Area school with an 8pm start time. Do that, and lose to a legitimately good team, and there you have it: season ruined.

It’s a lot easier to see how the Seahawks could fuck up.

The Seahawks might just be God-awful on defense, particularly in the D-Line and linebacker units. There’s also a decent chance Geno Smith doesn’t survive the entire 17-game season, meaning we’ll have to endure Drew Lock in games that count. But, even if Geno manages to stay healthy, is he really the guy who’s going to lead us to a division title and a deep playoff run? Behind an extremely inexperienced O-Line? The 49ers are still pretty fucking good, even with their injury question marks at quarterback. The Eagles should still make some noise. The rest of the NFC East is nothing to sneeze at, and the Vikings figure to win a lot of games again. Then, you have to factor in how the Seahawks continually get off to slow starts to the regular season under Pete Carroll. It’s a lot to overcome.

I’ll admit, my expectations for the Seahawks aren’t nearly as high as they are for the Huskies. But, I can already feel the homer in me yearning to believe big. He knows that if we can keep this team mostly healthy, they’ll really surprise the rest of the league! Homer Steven is a simpleton like that. He’ll believe anything! So, I’m bound to be disappointed when the Seahawks are just another wild card team losing in the first round again. Or, God forbid, another Seahawks team that failed to make the playoffs entirely (but also wasn’t bad enough to get a Top 10 pick out of the deal).

So, yeah, I figure to have a lot of disappointing moments this fall. And, when I’m not disappointed, I’ll just be dreading the impending disappointment I know is right around the corner. This is the year where my regular football fandom meets my fantasy football fandom.

Speaking of which, I’m coming off of one league championship in my Splinter League, so anything short of a repeat performance is bound to be a letdown. And, in my Dynasty League, so much has gone right for me this offseason, I don’t even know where to begin.

For starters, the Cowboys finally cut Ezekiel Elliott. I have Tony Pollard as the unquestioned lead back. Then, the Vikings cut Dalvin Cook; I have Alexander Mattison. And, the coup de grace, since my Dynasty team has struggled with shabby quarterback play for the last decade, I’m actually not dreading my two guys. Justin Fields – when healthy – gobbles up points with his legs; his experience last year should hopefully propel him into better results through the air. Then, with Rodgers being traded to the Jets, I get to hang onto Jordan Love and see what he’s made of. If they both pan out, I’ve got two QBs locked and loaded for the next half decade. With the way the rest of my team shakes out, I’m not desperate to fill any particular need; I can truly take the Best Player Available in the draft to fill out my bench, and my team should be all the better for it.

Except, of course, we know that’s not how it actually works. My quarterbacks will probably stink and/or get hurt. The rest of my roster will underperform. I’ll play against a lot of fantasy teams going on their best weeks. And, even the weeks I’m victorious, I’ll just dread the following week all the more, because that’s how fantasy football works. It’s a neverending hellscape of frustration.

If I wasn’t getting married and going on a honeymoon this fall, I don’t know WHAT I would be looking forward to! But, it sure as shit isn’t this football season. That I’ll be watching with my hands covering my face, one eye peeking in between a set of fingers, ready for the next nut punch to come my way.

Nobody Wants To Hear About My Fantasy Team 2022: The Worst Possible Outcome

This season’s previous fantasy football posts:

Of course.

It’s not just that I came in last – ONCE AGAIN – in the Consolation Bracket, leaving me with only the 4th overall draft pick next year, but my trade partner – whose top two picks I get next year – also won the entire league, meaning those picks are 10th overall. The 4 and 10 picks. Fucking super. Maybe there’s some way I can trade for literally everyone’s first picks in 2024, that way I can guarantee myself a shot at a decent QB.

The only silver lining to this year is that I finally did win the championship in my Splinter League. It was a runaway. My team was great from the jump. I was projected to go 14-1 on draft day, I ended up going 11-4 through the regular season, and smoked both of my opponents in the playoffs (204.44 to 150.49 in round one, 178.30 to 147.90 in the championship). Shoutout to Christian McCaffrey and Austin Ekeler, my top two picks. Special shoutout to Jared Goff who probably saved my season. Honorable mention to CeeDee Lamb and Travis Kelce, stalwarts throughout. Even my bench rocked and rolled for me when I needed them! It’s nice to see Gabe Davis win at least one league, after such a disappointing season.

My other playoff team – in my third league – finished in fourth place, and was a colossal disappointment in the second half of the season.

All that’s left is choosing my dynasty roster for next year.

Quarterbacks

  • Justin Fields
  • Mike White
  • Mac Jones
  • Jordan Love
  • Matthew Stafford

Fields is a lock. Mac Jones is definitely out. Mike White is definitely out. Jordan Love is a wild card, but it all depends on what the Packers end up doing with him. If he remains Aaron Rodgers’ backup, then obviously he’s not going to be on my team next year. That leaves me with Matthew Stafford, who has already said he’s coming back in 2023. He’s definitely worth a shot, though obviously I’ll be drafting a quarterback with my top pick.

Running Backs

  • Ezekiel Elliott
  • Tony Pollard
  • Brian Robinson
  • Kenneth Walker
  • Alexander Mattison

I’m all in on Kenneth Walker, I think he’s just going to get better and better. My dream scenario involves the Cowboys cutting Zeke and handing the keys to Pollard, in which case I’m keeping Pollard. But, that would require a Pollard extension, which might not fit in the budget. On the plus side, maybe he lands with another run-heavy team that appreciates his talents. Mattison is another guy who will be a free agent, who could land with a run-heavy team (I mostly just picked him up so no one else could keep him). If all else fails, the Commanders seem to like Brian Robinson, and it might be interesting to see what he turns into with a full offseason of NOT getting shot in the leg in a robbery.

Wide Receivers

  • CeeDee Lamb
  • D.K. Metcalf
  • Christian Watson

Lamb is a guaranteed keeper. We’ll see with the other two. Watson has a high upside, but D.K. is already established. I could keep both, but that might be silly. Wide receivers are a dime a dozen; it’s probably more prudent to keep three running backs, what with injuries and everything.

Tight End / Kicker / Defense

  • T.J. Hockenson
  • Evan McPherson
  • New York Jets

I couldn’t be happier with where Hockenson landed. For whatever reason, the Lions just never figured him out, even though they pass a ton. The Vikings also pass a ton, but they seem to remember they also have a good tight end every once in a while. He actually finished #2 behind Kelce, which is kind of crazy, but also good on me for keeping him.

McPherson, on the other hand, REALLY took a step back in his second season. He finished 19th in kicker scoring. There were 11 guys on the scrap heap ranked ahead of him! I’m chalking that up to kicker randomness and hoping for better things in year three.

I’m cautiously optimistic with the Jets. They finished 7th in defensive scoring, but seem to have a young and talented core on that side of the ball that should continue to play well in 2023 at least. They finished MUCH better than the Rams, that’s for damn sure.

If I had to choose now, I’d go something like this:

  • Justin Fields (QB)
  • Matthew Stafford (QB)
  • CeeDee Lamb (WR)
  • D.K. Metcalf (WR)
  • Kenneth Walker (RB)
  • Tony Pollard (RB)
  • Brian Robinson (FLEX)
  • T.J. Hockenson (TE)
  • Evan McPherson (K)
  • N.Y. Jets (DEF)

My first pick is destined to be a quarterback. My second first round pick might ALSO be a quarterback. Then, it’s best player available the rest of the way (likely non-quarterbacks), with probably my early second rounder being another wide receiver.

I’ll be back with an update before next year’s season starts, where I should have a better idea of who I’m keeping.

Nobody Wants To Hear About My Fantasy Team 2022: A Peek Into My Other Teams

This season’s previous fantasy football posts:

Just to close up a dangling thread from last week, Einfach A.F. did, in fact, win, so they’re moving on to the regular playoffs. Which means the two picks I receive from them in trade are getting worse and worse.

Since nothing happened with RoundTine last week (I will say that I scored the fewest points of any team in the Consolation Bracket, which is either an ominous sign, or the first shitty waffle everyone throws away before the good ones start popping out), I thought I’d talk about my two other fantasy football teams. In leagues where I made the actual playoffs!

Puppy Monkey Baby is my pride and joy. My Splinter League team finished in first place at 11-4, two games better than my playoff brothers and sisters (who all finished 9-6). I’m pretty loaded here at every spot but quarterback (we, thankfully, have eliminated kickers and a mandatory tight end position, though we allow two flex spots where you could play tight ends if you want).

I’m talking CeeDee Lamb and Amon-Ra St. Brown. I’m talking Christian McCaffrey and Austin Ekeler. I’m talking Travis Kelce, Kenneth Walker, and the Steelers’ surging defense. I’m talking a bench comprised of useful dudes who would be starters on other teams: Chris Olave, Cordarrelle Patterson, Gabe Davis, and Mike Williams. I also took a flier on Jameson Williams (who hasn’t panned out, but oh well, you can’t win ’em all).

It’s dicey with the quarterbacks, though (it’s another 2-QB league). Jared Goff has been fine (sometimes good, sometimes not). Kenny Pickett is my preferred #2, however I also have Andy Dalton. If I’m winning this league, I’m winning in spite of these guys. I need the rest of my team to pick up the slack!

In my third league, RUM HAM! went 6-0 to start the year. I was 7-7 heading into last week. I needed to win, and I needed my brother to knock someone out of my spot in the playoffs. It came to pass, and so here I am, the 4-seed, and the least-likely person to win this league.

Justin Jefferson has been as advertised this season. Nick Chubb has been pretty great, but he’s definitely fallen off in recent weeks. Terry McLaurin has been on a disappointing team with disappointing quarterbacks. I figured Lamar Jackson would lay the league to waste this year, but he’s been relatively mediocre. This is another league where I’ve got Gabe Davis, though in this one I’ve had to use him almost every week, to frustrating results.

I’ve had Kareem Hunt as a handcuff all year, but it hasn’t paid off. I also started the year with both starting Rams running backs, and that was a total disaster. I was able to grab J.K. Dobbins a couple weeks ago, and I’ve got Zack Moss (for the Colts) in there now, but it might be too little too late. I do have Buffalo’s kicker and Philly’s defense, who have both been pretty reliable during their non-BYE weeks (both in week 7), but my guys just don’t score enough touchdowns in general. I rarely ever have big breakout weeks. It could be we just haven’t seen my team play to its fullest potential, but I think I’m VERY lucky to be in this position, and this playoff spot is probably wasted on me.

We’ll see how it goes! Fantasy Football gets exciting this week! Let’s get back to RoundTine and see what I’m working with in the all-important Consolation Bracket:

  • Justin Fields (QB) vs. Buf
  • Tyler Huntley (QB) vs. Atl
  • CeeDee Lamb (WR) vs. Phi
  • D.K. Metcalf (WR) @ KC
  • Kenneth Walker (RB) @ KC
  • Tony Pollard (RB) vs. Phi
  • T.J. Hockenson (TE) vs. NYG
  • Christian Watson (WR) @ Mia
  • Evan McPherson (K) @ NE
  • N.Y. Jets (DEF) vs. Jax

I’m only playing Huntley if Lamar Jackson is out again this week. Otherwise, I’m stuck with Mac Jones vs. Cincinnati. Mike White – my ultimate choice to be my #2 QB – was killed in a Revenant-style bear attack on the football field a couple weeks ago.

I have two viable bench players, if needed. Ezekiel Elliott is obviously there, if I need him. And Brian Robinson is going up against the 49ers. So, Zeke would be my obvious first choice between the two.

This week, for my Consolation Bracket livelihood, I’m going up against The Lance Petemans, in a matchup of 8 vs. 9. Here’s his team:

  • Kirk Cousins (QB) vs. NYG
  • Jared Goff (QB) @ Car
  • Tyreek Hill (WR) vs. GB
  • DeAndre Hopkins (WR) vs. TB
  • James Conner (RB) vs. TB
  • Tyler Allgeier (RB) @ Bal
  • Darren Waller (TE) @ Pit
  • Keenan Allen (WR) @ Ind
  • Robbie Gould (K) vs. Was
  • Cleveland (DEF) vs. NO

I traded him Tyreek Hill a few years ago and have rued it ever since. So, expect him to blow up for 40 points. The rest of the guys are capable of big days, but they’re also capable of stinkeroos. So, we’ll see.

I’m not confident. Winning the Consolation Bracket is something I’ve wanted SO desperately for years now; ever since we started trending towards being a dynasty league, with more and more keepers every year. Basically, ever since I realized my team wasn’t good enough to hack it with the big boys, because my keepers (read: quarterbacks) have been trash. The best I’ve finished is second (meaning I had the second overall draft pick) and my reward was the top non-QB rookie position player off the board: Clyde Edward-Helaire.

I need a stud rookie quarterback. I can’t get that guy with the fourth overall pick. I would LOVE it if I landed in the top two. But, for that to happen, I must win this week.

I want it too much! I want it too much, so it’s not going to happen for me. That’s the way this works.

Nobody Wants To Hear About My Fantasy Team 2022: Not Last Place!

It’s a bummer, because I was one tinkering week away from a 5-game winning streak and a pretty legitimate chance at sneaking into the playoffs. Without getting too bogged down in hypotheticals, if I had been riding that 5-game winning streak, all I’d need to do is win this week, have another team lose (as he’s projected to do), and I would’ve achieved the unlikeliest playoff berth in league history.

As it stands, I’m currently 5-8 and have put myself in a position to be guaranteed that I’m not in last place. How is that possible? Well, there are two teams currently sitting at 4-9, and they’re both going head-to-head in this week’s regular season finale. So, win or lose, I’m guaranteed to hand off the last place Toilet Trophy to someone else!

I accomplished this feat by taking down Beasts, who was sitting in second place last week (and has since fallen to third). Beasts has the second-most points scored this season, but he lost to RoundTine 155.95 to 144.60.

It wasn’t looking good heading into Sunday night’s 5pm game, as he had a 27-point lead over me, with Tampa’s defense still set to go Monday night. But, my Cowboys dominated – with both Lamb and Pollard getting 20+ points – and I was just able to hold on.

I also had big weeks from D.K. Metcalf and Christian Watson, with competent weeks from Mike White and Justin Fields (I resisted the urge to start Mac Jones, but it turns out the difference would’ve been negligible). I’m very concerned about Kenneth Walker’s injury – that very nearly cost me – but hopefully he’ll be able to return to health soon enough.

I put in a waiver claim for Brock Purdy – the 49ers starter, now that Jimmy G is out – and thought I had a good shot at him. I had #3 priority, which should’ve been plenty good for a nothing quarterback. I like him because the 49ers’ offense seems to be idiot-proof. He also might be a weird diamond in the rough. But, that was shot to hell when some jagweed with higher priority stole him from me. So, I settled for my backup option: waiver claim for Tyler Huntley. He might only be available to me for this one week, which probably makes it a waste of my waiver priority, but what are you gonna do? You can’t take it with you!

In the regular season finale, I’m going up against Einfach A.F. It has minor implications, as a RoundTine victory would help Korky Butchek sneak into that 6th seed (assuming Korky defeats Beasts), but all I can do is set my lineup and let the chips fall where they may. Here’s who I’ve got:

  • Mac Jones (QB) @ Ari
  • Tyler Huntley (QB) @ Pit
  • CeeDee Lamb (WR) vs. Hou
  • Gabe Davis (WR) vs. NYJ
  • Ezekiel Elliott (RB) vs. Hou
  • Tony Pollard (RB) vs. Hou
  • T.J. Hockenson (TE) @ Det
  • D.K. Metcalf (WR) vs. Car
  • Evan McPherson (K) vs. Cle
  • N.Y. Jets (DEF) @ Buf

No Justin Fields, Christian Watson, or Brian Robinson this week due to BYEs. I’m assuming Kenneth Walker will be out. So, that really limits my options.

That being said, even if I were at full strength, I would still start both Cowboys running backs in a heartbeat. Against the Texans?! Yes please!

I hate having to start Gabe Davis, especially against the Jets’ elite secondary. I’m hoping to make up for that with a big game from D.K. I’m dubious that CeeDee Lamb will do much, as I feel like the Cowboys are just going to run the ball 50 times. So, here’s hoping Hockenson can have a big game.

I don’t love the Huntley matchup at Pittsburgh, but I just blew a waiver on him, so I better start him. Mike White at the Bills doesn’t do much for me. But, who knows, maybe I’ll get cold feet with Mac Jones yet again and opt to go with White at the last minute.

Here’s what I’m going up against:

  • Jalen Hurts (QB) @ NYG
  • Geno Smith (QB) vs. Car
  • Stefon Diggs (WR) vs. NYJ
  • Deebo Samuel (WR) vs. TB
  • Latavius Murray (RB) vs. KC
  • Jeff Wilson Jr. (RB) @ LAC
  • Pat Freiermuth (TE) vs. Bal
  • Adam Thielen (WR) @ Det
  • Justin Tucker (K) @ Pit
  • Baltimore (DEF) @ Pit

His skill guys aren’t the scariest in the world, but his quarterbacks more than make up for it. Also, every time I have Gabe Davis going up against Stefon Diggs, it’s a fucking bloodbath against me, so that’s a nightmare.

That being said, if I’m being perfectly honest, I think I’d rather go up against Korky Butchek in the Consolation Bracket over Einfach A.F. So, I won’t be too broken up if I lose this weekend.

On the flipside, though, if I can knock Einfach A.F. out of the playoffs, I’ve got his top two draft picks next year, so I’d be guaranteed to have two picks out of the top four in both of the first two rounds, which would be SWEET.

Nobody Wants To Hear About My Fantasy Team 2022: Mr. Tinker Train

I was so damn close to winning four in a row, it’s sickening. Officially, my late-week tinkering fucked me. But, unofficially, I believe I would’ve won if only Justin Fields were still healthy. That, or if the Patriots didn’t play on Thursday night.

See, I took Mac Jones out of my lineup in favor of Mike White of the Jets. The White move in a vacuum was genius, as he got me 33.95 against the Bears. But, that was when I erroneously believed Fields would still go on Sunday. That meant dropping Mac Jones to my bench, who improbably got 31.1 points against the Vikings on Thanksgiving night. He looked terrific! Zipping the ball down field like I’d never seen before! Where the hell has this guy been all year?!

Anyway, when it was decided that Fields would take this week off, that left me with the terrible option of starting the Rams’ backup, Bryce Perkins, whoever that is. He threw a couple of picks and only 100 yards, while only rushing for 44 yards to boot, ending up with a feeble 7.4 points on the week. Clearly, if I’d gone with Mac Jones, I would’ve cruised to victory. Instead, I lost to Car Talk With Josh Allen 163.35 to 151.15.

My bench really crushed. Christian Watson – as expected – got me 21 points for my bench. That was a big leap over Gabe Davis, that overrated shitheel who only got me 7.8. That’s another move that cost me the week. Ezekiel Elliott got me 16.5 for my bench, over Tony Pollard’s 8.1. And, for good measure, Brian Robinson got 20.5 on the week. Nightmare scenario, all the way around.

I’m in a similar quarterback conundrum this week, because once again I don’t know if Fields will play, and once again I have Mac Jones going on Thursday. I have to play Mike White, because he’s the hot hand, and he’s going up against a pretty measly Vikings defense. Jones is at home against the Bills, but I’m not sure if I’m in a position where I can afford to trust Jones just yet. He might not be terrible, is the thing. Even as the bane of my existence this year, he’s still good for 10-15 points when healthy. The 31 he got last week is definitely going to be considered an anomaly until I see it happen again.

On the plus side, it sounds like Fields is feeling better. Is that good enough to actually see game action? We’ll find out. Athletes tend to be overly-optimistic in these cases, when in reality they’re dealing with superhuman pain. Failing that, if I opt to bench Jones again, that leaves me with whoever ends up starting for the Rams. Against a porous Seahawks defense, that might not be the worst thing in the world.

I didn’t make any waiver moves this week, so my priority is all the way up to 3. I don’t know who’s about to become available or desired, but my roster is pretty jam-packed with guys I like. Relatively speaking, that is. For a 4-8 team.

Here’s who I’m looking at starting this week:

  • Mac Jones (QB) vs. Buf
  • Mike White (QB) @ Min
  • CeeDee Lamb (WR) vs. Ind
  • Christian Watson (WR) @ Chi
  • Kenneth Walker (RB) @ LAR
  • Tony Pollard (RB) vs. Ind
  • T.J. Hockenson (TE) vs. NYJ
  • D.K. Metcalf (WR) @ LAR
  • Evan McPherson (K) vs. KC
  • N.Y. Jets (DEF) @ Min

I’m NOT happy about starting Jones in this position. I sat him last week and he got me 31. I’ll start him this week and he’ll get me 13 and I’ll be thoroughly annoyed. Meanwhile, if Fields ends up playing, then White will have to sit, which is also annoying because I think he’s got a very juicy matchup against the Vikings. I might tinker with this again before gametime tonight.

I don’t know how much more I can afford to start Pollard over Zeke. I’ll give it another week because Indy’s defense is pretty good. That being said, I learned some possibly-disturbing news that Pollard is going to be a free agent after this season. On the one hand, that means he’s free to sign wherever, and command a starting job next year. On the other hand, will that team utilize him to as great an effect as the Cowboys have the last couple years? I’ll be VERY interested in where his career takes him.

Gabe Davis is done as a starter for me. He’s purely a bench/fill-in guy for injuries and/or BYE weeks. I look forward to not having him next year. He’s too much of a boom/bust guy in an offense that throws it a shit-ton.

I’m doomed to a fate of facing Beasts this week, who is going to murder me with these guys:

  • Justin Herbert (QB) @ LV
  • Russell Wilson (QB) @ Bal
  • Tyler Lockett (WR) @ LAR
  • Courtland Sutton (WR) @ Bal
  • Derrick Henry (RB) @ Phi
  • Christian McCaffrey (RB) vs. Mia
  • Mark Andrews (TE) vs. Den
  • Josh Jacobs (WR) vs. LAC
  • Jason Myers (K) @ LAR
  • Tampa Bay (DEF) vs. NO

Those running backs are insane. He’ll likely beat me with just those guys alone.

Nobody Wants To Hear About My Fantasy Team 2022: I’ve Got Good News & Bad News

Damnedest thing: I won again! That’s three wins in a row, for those keeping track. This time, it was a pretty healthy 161.00 to 136.90 victory over Toot Cannons. That brings my record to 4-7, and my place in the standings ALLLLL the way up to 8th place. I have a one-game lead over the two teams below me, but of course, I have the fewest points in the league, so tying in record with those animals will put me right back in last place where I belong.

I will say that I’m slowly, but surely, creeping up on The Lance Petemans in points. He has less than a 10-point lead, with three weeks to go in the regular season. Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately) we don’t play one another in any of those games; I’ll see him next in the Consolation Bracket (which doesn’t factor into who gets the Toilet Trophy).

The bad news is: my meal ticket might be going away, as Justin Fields injured his non-throwing shoulder. That’s not always the end of the world for a quarterback, but it can be pretty devastating for a quarterback who’s better at running with the football than throwing it.

Fields had another respectable week, getting me over 24 points. Christian Watson kicked off the week strong wth 21. The Jets defense did me proud (a couple weeks after I traded away the Eagles) with 19, and Evan McPherson kicked in 17 points in The Week Of The Kicker (where Tyler Bass got over 20, and Brett Maher tied the single-game record for kickers, all-time, with 29).

The star of my team was Tony Pollard. He’s been thrashing the league during my winning streak, thanks in large part to Ezekiel Elliott being injured. Zeke returned this past week and got 17 points for my bench. But, Pollard’s big-play ability netted me almost 37: 2 touchdowns, 109 receiving yards, and 80 rushing yards to boot. My dream for this offseason is the Cowboys cut Zeke in a cost-cutting measure, and make Pollard the full-time #1 running back. He’ll set NFL records!

My big boner of a move was benching Matthew Stafford in favor of Davis Mills. Stafford got me 20 points for my bench, while Mills needed garbage time to get up to 7.45. Mills had the better matchup, and was projected to out-score Stafford (who is without Cooper Kupp for the foreseeable future), but at some point common sense needs to prevail.

This week, I go up against Car Talk With Josh Allen, the second place team in our league. I’m just happy I get to play him both times without Deshaun Watson, as he doesn’t need any extra help to lay me to waste. Here are my guys:

  • Justin Fields (QB) @ NYJ
  • Mac Jones (QB) @ Min
  • CeeDee Lamb (WR) vs. NYG
  • Gabe Davis (WR) @ Det
  • Kenneth Walker (RB) vs. LV
  • Tony Pollard (RB) vs. NYG
  • T.J. Hockenson (TE) vs. NE
  • D.K. Metcalf (WR) vs. LV
  • Evan McPherson (K) @ Ten
  • N.Y. Jets (DEF) vs. Chi

I might have to start BOTH of my backup quarterbacks. Matthew Stafford had another concussion late in the game last week, which almost guarantees he sees time on the IR. I don’t like Mac Jones, but I’m going to hope he has a little something left in the tank against the Vikings, in what will need to be a high-scoring affair if the Patriots hope to win. If Fields goes down, I’ll have to start Davis Mills against the Dolphins (assuming he’s still starting for the Texans).

It’s a toss-up between Zeke and Pollard as long as both are healthy. When they’re both healthy, they split carries pretty evenly. Pollard gets the advantage of being a bigger factor in the passing game, but Zeke gets the advantage of being the goalline back by and large. Pollard is more boom-or-bust as a result, but also somehow has a higher floor. That isn’t to say Zeke won’t out-score him on the regular, because their offense is very efficient, so he’ll get his opportunities to punch it in. But, I’m sort of resigned to being disappointed whenever my guy isn’t in there.

This might be the last week I play Gabe Davis over Christian Watson. The Lions stink. I know they’ve been a lot better of late, but Davis should have no problem scoring in bunches in this matchup. The concern is that the Bills get Diggs going and forget about Davis, which is a nightmare scenario. I kinda need Davis to be The Guy since I’m going up against Josh Allen (spoiler alert). Taking away his touchdowns would be a big help. On the flipside, Watson is going up against the Eagles’ defense, which is very good against the pass. My hunch is that he comes down to Earth a little bit this week. However, if he puts in a third consecutive humongous week, then it’s time to set him (in my lineup) and forget him.

Here’s the list of players who figure to destroy me:

  • Josh Allen (QB) @ Det
  • Tom Brady (QB) @ Cle
  • DeVonta Smith (WR) vs. GB
  • Amari Cooper (WR) vs. TB
  • Aaron Jones (RB) @ Phi
  • Joe Mixon (RB) @ Ten
  • Travis Kelce (TE) vs. LAR
  • Christian Kirk (WR) vs. Bal
  • Tyler Bass (K) @ Det
  • Kansas City (DEF) vs. LAR

A lot of these guys had big weeks LAST week, so my hope is that they … don’t have big weeks this week.

Nobody Wants To Hear About My Fantasy Team 2022: RoundTine Is On A Roll!

It’s crazy to me that I’ve won two games in a row. It’s even crazier to me that I outscored every single person in the league, one week after setting my previous season-high in points. It’s crazier still that I’m not even in last place anymore, in spite of me having far and away the fewest points in the league (and over 200 fewer points than the actual last place team at the moment).

None of this is supposed to happen! Yet, here I am, 3-7 on the season, 3-2 in my last five games, with four weeks to fuck around and see if I can sneak into the sixth and final playoff spot (currently held by a team that’s only one game – and hundreds of points – better than me).

This is the kind of optimism you can get out of me when things start going my way. It’s taken A LOT of patience so far this season (starting out 0-5, you kinda have no choice BUT to be patient and wear some of these lopsided losses), but I finally feel like the tide is turning.

RoundTine defeated Space Forcin’ 186.90 to 178.21. It’s supremely unlucky for him that he scored the second-most points this past week, and just so happened to run into a juggernaut, but them’s the breaks.

Justin Fields got me another 43.05 points, one week after putting up almost 50. CeeDee Lamb got me an even 38 points. Gabe Davis and Tony Pollard each got me over 20. Everything pretty much went my way, except the kicker and defense I picked up for BYE replacements. Philly’s kicker only got me 3 points, and the Rams D only got me 4. But, everyone else did their jobs, and that’s all I can ask.

We’re getting pretty far into the season, and I’ve been hanging onto this #1 waiver priority for quite some time. I figured it was time to cash it in on a potential stud. So, I put in a claim for Christian Watson, who caught 4 balls on 8 targets for 107 yards against the Cowboys last week. The big thing was that three of those catches went for touchdowns. Also, he’s like 6’5 and was their highest-drafted receiver in ages. I’m fully expecting him to disappoint the rest of the way (just kidding! Two more TDs and 21.1 points last night). But, if there’s even a sliver of a chance for him to blow up in the back-half of this season, I’m willing to try it out.

I also, not for nothing, have a couple BYEs I’m worrying about this week (both Seahawks players), so I’d like to actually fill out a roster in the short term. In the long term, though, I’m not entirely sold on Gabe Davis as a viable fantasy keeper. He seems better suited as roster depth. Watson – if he blows up – could be a top 10 receiver in this league, as long as Aaron Rodgers is there throwing him the ball, anyway.

This week, I go up against Toot Cannons, who has a number of BYE issues of his own. Here’s who I’m rolling out:

  • Justin Fields (QB) @ Atl
  • Davis Mills (QB) vs. Was
  • CeeDee Lamb (WR) @ Min
  • Gabe Davis (WR) vs. Cle
  • Brian Robinson (RB) @ Hou
  • Tony Pollard (RB) @ Min
  • T.J. Hockenson (TE) vs. Dal
  • Christian Watson (WR) vs. Ten
  • Evan McPherson (K) @ Pit
  • N.Y. Jets (DEF) @ NE

Losing D.K. and Walker this week is a blow, but I don’t mind those guys getting a week off to rest and recover. Mac Jones gets to ride my bench for … the rest of the year? That guy’s a total trainwreck. It really says something when I don’t even think twice about ranking Davis Mills ahead of him. It looks like Stafford returns from injury this week, though I hate him even more now that Cooper Kupp is on IR. Also, at this point, consider me among the loud majority who are calling for Zeke Elliott to take a backseat to Pollard.

Here’s who Toot Cannons might be playing:

  • QB Cardinals (QB) vs. SF
  • Baker Mayfield (QB) @ Bal
  • Justin Jefferson (WR) vs. Dal
  • Tee Higgins (WR) @ Pit
  • Saquon Barkley (RB) vs. Det
  • Najee Harris (RB) vs. Cin
  • TBD (TE) vs. TBD
  • Chris Olave (WR) vs. LAR
  • Harrison Butker (K) @ LAC
  • San Francisco (DEF) vs. Ari

Rough week to lose your top two tight ends, as both Waller and now Goedert are out. He’s also missing Tua, which is a huge blow. But, there’s a significant amount of talent at the skill positions to make this week challenging as hell for RoundTine.

Nobody Wants To Hear About My Fantasy Team 2022: Screwed By My Own Incompetence

My team is not good, and it was on full display this weekend as I lost to You Dropped Your Dildo 170.60 to 132.20. If I could go back in time and cherry pick my perfect roster, I would have prevailed, but that’s the thing about points on your bench, isn’t it? You’re supposed to take solace in the fact that your logic might’ve been sound for the decisions you made, but you still take the L, don’t you?

So, I guess I have to play Justin Fields every week now. That’s four weeks in a row of 20 or more points, which isn’t much in any fantasy football scoring system, but it’s especially unimpressive in our 2-QB league. Yet, I’d kill for a quarterback who averages 20+ points per game, given the fucking paltry numbers I’ve gotten this season. How many of these last four weeks have I had Fields in my lineup? Two. Two of the four. Incidentally, the first two of the four. The last two of the four – the most two recent games – he’s managed 25 and 31 points, against the Patriots and Cowboys. Those are serious defenses! That means this is something close to legit.

Of course, now that he’s locked into my starting lineup regardless of opponent, watch him fucking shit his fucking pants. God fucking dammit I fucking hate fantasy fucking football.

Anyway, that was a bummer. Fields’ 31 points on my bench, while Davis Mills got me a whopping 10 and Mac Jones got me 13. For some reason, even though Mac Jones has sucked like no one has ever sucked before – he has yet to score over 15 fantasy points this season – I thought it was a good idea to play him over Fields, who is clearly starting to find his fantasy footing. I’m an idiot.

I did get to enjoy Tony Pollard, the Philly defense, and CeeDee Lamb’s consistent awesomeness, but they weren’t nearly enough. I ran into a buzzsaw. I’m slowly getting closer to having the most points scored against me, right now I’m 8 behind the leader.

I’m in a bit of a sticky spot this week, as the Cowboys are on a BYE, which means my best receiver is down, as well as two of my running backs. So, I’ve gotta find a way to mop up with the dudes on my roster. Have a looksee:

  • Justin Fields (QB) vs. Mia
  • Mac Jones (QB) vs. Ind
  • Gabe Davis (WR) @ NYJ
  • Romeo Doubs (WR) @ Det
  • Kenneth Walker (RB) @ Ari
  • Brian Robinson (RB) vs. Min
  • T.J. Hockenson (TE) @ Was
  • D.K. Metcalf (WR) @ Ari
  • Evan McPherson (K) vs. Car
  • Philadelphia (DEF) @ Hou

I’m SOOOOO ready to write off Mac Jones, as I think he’s a garbage piece of shit football player. But, he has a considerably better matchup over Davis Mills, who is going up against the Eagles. In the end, it might not matter, as Mac Jones will probably turn it over three times, but what can you do?

I nabbed Doubs last week before Sunday’s games started, when I was finally allowed to put Zeke Elliott into my IR slot. I’m keeping Zeke in my IR slot through the BYE week, because fuck the world. Anyway, Doubs had a nice bounce-back last week (getting 16 points for my bench) after three straight games of less than 10 points. I would hope – if he has any future in this league whatsoever – that he’ll feast against the Lions’ secondary.

Also, big ups on D.K. Metcalf for playing last week, after what seemed like a serious knee injury. I don’t know if he’s going to make it the whole year on that leg, but if he could replicate the 17 points he got for my bench last week, I’d be happy.

T.J. Hockenson was traded to the Vikings this week, which seems like a boost for him long-term, but will probably mean he’s hardly involved at all in the game this week. I’m expecting a 0 from my tight end spot, so anything above that will be gravy.

I don’t know how playable Brian Robinson is going to be for me this year, outside of an injury replacement or BYE weeks. His O-Line is a steaming turd, and they refuse to throw him the ball.

This week, I face Korky Butchek, who has to be bummed he only gets to play me once this year. Here’s who he’s got:

  • Joe Burrow (QB) vs. Car
  • Trevor Lawrence (QB) vs. LV
  • A.J. Brown (WR) @ Hou
  • Tyler Boyd (WR) vs. Car
  • David Montgomery (RB) vs. Mia
  • D’Andre Swift (RB) vs. GB
  • TBD (TE) vs. TBD
  • D.J. Moore (WR) @ Cin
  • Daniel Carlson (K) @ Jax
  • Indianapolis (DEF) @ NE

Every time I go up against D.J. Moore, he gets a shit-ton of points. Indeed, it seems like whenever I go up against ANY #1 Carolina receiver through the years, I get burned. It’s annoying.