Seahawks Finish Preseason, Make Cuts, Ready Themselves For Losses That Count

I probably didn’t see much more than a minute or two of the action last Friday as 7:30pm was the exact time my fantasy footall draft started.  It’s a good thing Golden Tate had a whale of a game, because I was pretty nervous that drafting him in the first round was a bad idea.

But, it’s not like it matters that I didn’t see the game, because what can you learn from a game like this anyway?  Pete Carroll went the standard route of having the starting quarterback play only a couple of series.  Then, Charlie Whitehurst came in and showed everyone why he wants to be known as The World’s Best August Quarterback.  There were field goals made by a kicker we would subsequently waive over the weekend; there were touchdowns scored by running backs we would subsequently waive over the weekend.  Justin Forsett averaged 3.0 yards per carry; Leon Washington averaged significantly less; and Tarvar – in spite of his only playing those two possessions – still managed to throw an interception.

The only thing we actually learned is:  we need to stop playing the Oakland Raiders.  Every time we play them, we come out of the game riddled with injuries!

This time, it’s Robert Gallery and defensive lineman Jimmy Wilkerson.  So that’s … that’s just great.

Over the weekend, we picked up Denver’s backup kicker (the guy who made the game-winner against us a couple weeks ago) and three other guys.  In exchange, I dunno.  Colin Cole is gone; a casualty of injury and money concerns.  Deon Butler starts on the PUP list, so that’s a shred of good news for a guy trying to come back from a brutal leg injury.  We kept Josh Portis as our third quarterback; that’s pretty exciting I guess.

The great national nightmare is officially over.  No more preseason for another year.  Now it’s on to the regular season.  Now it’s on to the Andrew Luck Sweepstakes.

What I Saw In Week 3 of the Seahawks’ Preseason

A whole lotta crap!

Actually, that’s not true.  Or fair.  The starting defense showed me quite a bit.  Red Bryant is still the monster he was last year before he got injured in that Raiders game.  Chris Clemons had a nifty interception when he dropped back in coverage.  Trufant flashed his Pro Bowl ability with a sack, a tackle for loss, and no significant receiving yards against (from what I noticed, anyway).  Even Aaron Curry was out there making plays on both defense and special teams.

The defense could’ve done a lot more if they weren’t on the field for so long.  Unfortunately, once again, the starting offense couldn’t stop tripping all over their dicks.  Someone is gonna have to get Pancakes Carpenter some blocking help on that right side; he’s getting killed on the most basic outside pass rushes.  This thing is getting to be the worst kind of broken record.  Tarvar can’t get any time to pass, which means I don’t get to rip the guy apart for being unworthy to start in the National Football League!

Of course, at this point I still have to point out that the offensive coordinator isn’t really helping Tarvar out any.  Darrell Bevell needs to take advantage of our abundance of tight ends and start loading the line.  We need MORE rushing plays, MORE rollout passes, MORE quick slants and three-step drops.  The combination of a Swiss cheese line and Tarvar’s questionable decision-making ability necessitates taking the offense out of their hands so to speak.

I figured the offensive line would take some time to gel, but I didn’t count on things being this dire.  I’m not saying things won’t get better; I’m just saying I figured they’d be more ahead of the game at this early point.

Harkening back to my post earlier in the week, we saw a field goal!  Hell, we saw two, both from over 50 yards!  In addition (and something unrelated to what I wanted to see from this game), Jon Ryan was by far the MVP of this game.  He averaged over 50 yards per punt (with a whopping three punts going 60+).  Now, obviously you never want to say the MVP of your team is the punter, but we’ve got to pull our silver linings where we can grab ’em.

Also, HEY NOW, was that ever an exciting 105 yard kickoff return!  This bullshit with all the touchbacks is really starting to piss me off.  Maybe it was because it was Denver in August (as opposed to, say, Chicago in December), but the NFL really screwed the pooch on this thing.  I never in my wildest nightmares would’ve thought that these touchbacks would become so rampant.  It’s just a God damned abomination.

In a quick rundown of some other things:

Football Jesus hardly got to play, so I guess that’s one way to avoid a quarterback controversy.  All we can do is bemoan the fact that we’re not getting a real competition to begin with.  I dunno, what does it really matter?  When we’re 0-5 at the BYE week, we’ll most likely see Whitehurst anyway.

Another bright side is we didn’t have to see Kelly Jennings tonight!  And look, the world didn’t end!  Wouldn’t it be something if our favorite whipping boy found his name on the list of final cuts?

And, finally, Tim Tebow probably could have been worse, but he still looked pretty terrible.  Suck it, Denver.  No one likes you and by all accounts you all smell.

Here’s to the Andrew Luck Sweepstakes.  Cincinnati and Washington will both be formidable opponents, but with the way this offense is playing, I still like our chances.  Way to go Carroll & Schneider!  It’s like that South Park episode with the Pro-War and Anti-War protesters.  By signing guys like Sidney Rice and Zach Miller, they’ve given the illusion that we’re competing in 2011; but by running out an inexperienced offensive line with a gallons-full-of-suck quarterback, clearly we’re poised to lose upwards of 14 games (or more) in an attempt to draft our quarterback of the future.

It’s called Having Your Cake & Eating It Too.

What I’d Like To See In Week 3 of the Seahawks’ Preseason

Of course, just because these are things I’d LIKE to see doesn’t mean they’re actually going to be things seen.

I’d like to see Jeff Reed kick a field goal.  I’m not greedy; I think AH field goal isn’t too much to ask.  So far this preseason, we’ve kicked exactly one field goal in the two games, and it was made by the guy we cut before the last game.  It would be nice to know if Jeff Reed still has something left in the tank before games start counting.  You know, if I thought the Seahawks were going to be worth a damn.

I’d like to see Charlie Whitehurst get some reps with the first team offense.  Now, I know that’s probably not gonna happen, but I think he deserves it and I think we – as fans – deserve it.  Even though you can’t find a softer landing than Denver’s defensive line, I’d like to know how he would respond to the challenge.  Either he comes in and stinks up the joint (thereby quieting the angry mob who’s calling for Tarvar’s head, of which I am their leader with the biggest pitchfork), or he comes in and improves on what he’s already shown (thereby once and for all opening this thing up to a full-blown quarterback competition).

And by the way, if the conjecture and hearsay is true and the Seahawks really did offer Tarvar the starting job in exchange for him signing here:  how in bloody hell did Tarvar command that kind of bargaining power?  Who out there in the NFL is willing to blindly hand Tarvar a starting job after showing what he showed in Minnesota?  It ALMOST makes sense in our case, because we do have his old offensive coordinator and everything.  But for any other team, it boggles the mind!  Sometimes, I just don’t understand sports.

I’d like to see a pass completion of longer than 15 yards.  And I ain’t talking about 15 yards worth of YAC.  I want to see a ball go through the air a minimum of 15 yards and then land in a receiver’s set of hands (not a tight end, not a running back, not a defender) without bobbling, without any question whatsoever that the thing is a catch.  Yes, a lot of this is on the QBs – they’ve got to step up in the pocket and assert their dominance – but it’s also on the playcaller and the wide receivers.  Wide outs:  you’ve got to get open!  What the fuck are we paying you for, Sidney Rice?  And Bevell, I understand this is preseason and you don’t want to give away too much of the playbook, but this isn’t your average, everyday preseason.  You’re working with a bunch of new players, you’re breaking in a quarterback who hasn’t started much in the last two years, and you’re dealing with a group as a whole who hasn’t had anything in the way of an offseason training program.  It’s time to put some of the plays we’ll need in the regular season to the test right now!  See if we have the players to pull them off!  Trust me, giving some of the playbook away in the preseason isn’t going to hurt this team’s chances.  Not practicing them in real game situations might.

I’d like to see Kelly Jennings castrated so he can’t dilute the gene pool with his shortness and overall ineptitude.  OK, this one might’ve gone over the line.

I’d like to see a kick returned.  Seriously.  The NFL just turned the most exciting play in football into THE most boring.  I’d rather watch 30 PATs in a row than a game full of touchbacks.

By the by, why are touchbacks off of kickoffs taken back to the 25, but not when you’re a defender and you punch the ball from the receiver’s hands through the endzone as he’s about to go in for a TD?  And, I haven’t been paying much attention, but I would assume that punts kicked into the endzone are also deposited on the 20 yard line just like before.  That seems needlessly complicated.  Just put kickoffs back the way they were before I hurt you, NFL!

Finally, I’d like to see Tim Tebow fail miserably.  I don’t think it’s too much to ask; the guy is a giant tool.  Yeah, Aaron Curry might be a bust, but at least my team didn’t draft a slow, white running back in the first round!

Seattle Seahawks As Chicks I Would Probably Bang

Looking for breaking news or hard-hitting opinion?  This isn’t where you want to be.  It’s 4pm on a Friday as I start this and I’m just waiting for some of that I-5 traffic to die down.  With a couple hours to kill, I hereby present you a list of Seahawks (both past and present) if they were chicks I would theoretically bang (written obnoxiously in the second person; so really, it’s the chicks YOU would theoretically bang).  Essentially, this is an opinion piece, but you’re going to have to use your imagination a little bit.  It’s sure to be offensive to both women and the specific players mentioned.  I’m sure I don’t give a shit.

Charlie Whitehurst is that chick you meet at a bar when you’ve already downed about a dozen Captain & Cokes.  You saw her earlier in the evening and winced accordingly, but in a blackout state, your loins conspire against you.  At closing time, both of you forget your tabs, hail a taxi, sloppily make out in the back for the subsequent 15 minutes the cabbie is overcharging you for a 5-minute ride.  You wake up in her bed the next morning as she’s snoring her cowpie breath in your face; you collect as much of your clothing as you can find and get the fuck out of there before the beast awakens.  A month later, you find out you have herpes.

Tarvaris Jackson is the same girl as Charlie Whitehurst, only the next morning you’re roused by her boyfriend punching you in the gut.  He kicks your ass for the next ten minutes, you’re forced to do the walk of shame buck naked.  And a month later, you still find out you have herpes.

Jeff Reed is the super-hot girl you think is “the one”, except you’re the only person who can’t see that she’s fucking crazy.  All your friends try to talk you out of her, reminding you of that time she flipped out with a crowbar on your car because she thought you were cheating on her (when, in reality, you were having an innocent chat with a co-worker), but for whatever reason (hotsex) you just don’t understand (hotsex) that she’s just no good for you until it’s too late.  Ultimately, you find her cheating on you with your best friend and you vow, “Never again.  I’m just dating good, wholesome, normal girls from now on.”

T.J. Houshmandzadeh is the stripper you meet at the club when you’re in Vegas.  You’re drunk, you’re around your friends, and you’ve already blown $200 on lapdances.  So, you sweet talk her into “something more”.  You know what you want, she knows what you want, so she takes you into the back and you get the blowjob of a lifetime.  She’s everything you’ve ever wanted and more.  Then, when it’s all over, an 8-foot, 400 pound bouncer lumbers over with a tab for a shitload of money.  You put it all on your credit card in one sobering moment.  You tell yourself that you’re never going to overpay for sexual favors ever again.

Pete Carroll is like having sex with your boss.  Yeah, she’s old, but she keeps herself in decent-enough condition.  Mostly, you’re in it because you find power sexy.  And afterward, you brag to absolutely no one.

Kelly Jennings is that “friend with benefits” you keep around who you don’t really like, and who absolutely WON’T stop calling you five times a day.  You keep telling yourself, “That was the LAST time I’m calling her for a booty call,” but then there you are, a few weeks later, alone.  On your fifth glass of whiskey.  Pushing the “Send” button on your phone.

Russell Okung is a girl you’ve been dating for a few weeks, but for whatever reason is holding out for “the right time”.  So you just make out and cuddle and then she asks you to take her home.  Then, finally, you convince her to stay over.  You’re both hot and heavy on the couch, then, as you stagger over to the bedroom, pulling off articles of clothing as you go, she trips over her skirt and suffers a high ankle sprain.

Tim Ruskell is a fairly attractive girl you meet in a bar.  You take her home, have your way with her, and promise to call her the next day.  You don’t call her.  A few weeks go by and she shows up on your doorstep telling you she’s pregnant.  Not only is she pregnant with your child, but she’s also underage (having gotten into the bar with a fake ID).  She tells you she’ll call the cops on you if you don’t stay with her.  So, you’re stuck, you’re taking care of her and the kid.  Finally, after she turns 18, you feel you’re free to leave her; but you’re still paying child support on the kid for many years to come.

Deion Branch is a co-worker you start seeing on the side even though you’ve been married for a decade.  Things are going so well, you decide to divorce so you can openly have her as your girlfriend.  This is when you realize that dating your co-worker is a terrible idea.  Not only do you end up splitting with her in a few weeks, but you’re relegated to being a weekend dad for your two kids, letting them sleep on a pull-out sofa in your bachelor pad apartment.  Eventually, you find someone else.  She earns half of what your ex-wife makes for a living, she’s five years older than your ex-wife, and she’s got two kids of her own who don’t get along with your kids.

Matt Hasselbeck is your ex-wife.  You had a great run, but you decide you want to go in for the younger model.  Meanwhile, your ex loses 40 pounds, starts dressing sexier, and hooks up with a guy half her age.

Robert Gallery is a cougar you meet in a night club.  She’s forgotten more than you’ll ever know in the sack.  She’s weirdly strong for someone with no muscle definition.  And she scares the bejesus out of you.  Just do as she says and nobody gets hurt.

Jerramy Stevens is a girl you hook up with in college.  You can’t believe your good fortune that you bagged someone so hot, but then she turns around the next day and tells all your friends (and all the girls you know) that you have a small wiener and lasted less than two minutes.  After that, you avoid her and her friends like the plague while seriously contemplating ways you could shave her head while she sleeps.