Seahawks Death Week: Throw All The Free Agents In A Fucking Dumpster

I have chosen to just base this blog post on the list compiled over at Field Gulls, because I’m a lazy, lazy man. At least I linked over there; credit where it’s due and all that.

I want to say I read this in the Dallas/Fort Worth airport the day after the Seahawks’ season ended, hungover as all get-out after a Saturday night wedding that lasted until the wee hours of the very day we were supposed to return home to SeaTac. So, off the top of my head, I couldn’t possibly recount all the names from memory, but I remember my thoughts at the time revolved around: what a collection of trash!

Are any of these guys worth keeping or bringing back? I dunno, man. I guess you gotta have 53 guys on your roster – and 90 heading into Training Camp – so we’re bound to see some return names. But, I didn’t see a lot of tremendous impact from these players (save one very big and obvious name) that couldn’t be replaced with superior draft picks, free agents, and other guys from the scrap heaps of other teams.

Myles Adams is the only SOMEWHAT interesting name from the Exclusive Rights Free Agents list; that seems like a paltry amount to pay to bring back a depth/rotation defensive tackle. He always seems to flash in the pre season, anyway.

There’s usually more meat on the bone among the Restricted Free Agents, but I only see one guy worth bringing back – likely on a 2nd round tender – and that’s Ryan Neal. He played at a pretty high level at safety this year. He’s a quality backup at a position of need. Assuming Jamal Adams returns (as crazy as it sounds, we’re financially stuck with him through 2023 in all likelihood), safety is GOING to be a position of need. Because there’s no point in wondering IF Jamal Adams is going to get injured, but WHEN. Can he beat going down in the very first regular season game? Has anyone babyproofed his house lately?

Beyond that, I guess you could make a case for Mike Jackson, but I wouldn’t offer him anything higher than an original round tender. He’s not a surefire starter, in spite of all the starting he did in 2022; I’d take a 5th round draft pick for him, absolutely. No one else needs to be bothered with. Penny Hart and Tanner Muse are both fine special teams guys, but they can be had without going through the whole tender rigmarole.

Most of the guys you know and “love” are unrestricted free agents. I’ll save the quarterbacks for a separate post.

Rashaad Penny and Travis Homer are both up for contracts. Penny got a nice little payday before this past season, but clearly he’s not over his injury issues. Kenneth Walker has proven to be a starting running back in this league, and while every team needs backups, I don’t see the point in making Penny one of them. For a handful of games? Let him take his talents elsewhere. As for Homer, I thought he came into 2022 in much better shape, but he’s still Just A Guy; we could draft someone in the last couple rounds and more than make up for his lost production. We still have DeeJay Dallas, and I’d take him over Homer anyday.

Marquise Goodwin and Laquon Treadwell combine to just be okay (Goodwin is solid when healthy; Treadwell is a bust). We can do better, in spite of the fact that wide receiver is very much a position of need heading into 2023.

Austin Blythe, Kyle Fuller, and Phil Haynes are the offensive linemen we’re set to lose. I’d be fine bringing none of them back, though I do see Haynes as a solid rotational guy/backup. He might want to test the waters elsewhere. Blythe and Fuller can suck it, though. Go out in the draft and pick up a bona fide starting center!

Poona Ford, L.J. Collier, and Bruce Irvin are the defensive linemen on this list. I never thought I’d see the day where I’d be okay losing Poona Ford, but he in no way, shape, or form lived up to his contract, having a particularly anonymous 2022 season. I don’t know if he’s cut out for the 3-4 defensive scheme. I also don’t know if Collier is cut out for the NFL period! Now that we have the XFL and the USFL, he should have no shortage of suitors. As for Bruce Irvin, I’d be okay bringing him back late in the pre-season as a depth piece. He shouldn’t be starting – like he was towards the end of 2022 – but as a rotational veteran, you could do a lot worse.

Fuck right off with Nick Bellore, Cody Barton, and BBK. I want upgrades at all linebacker spots on this roster – ideally through the draft – and if I never see these guys play defense for the Seahawks again, it’ll be too soon. Bring Bellore back as a special teamer if you must, but spare me this fullback playing linebacker.

Artie Burns, Justin Coleman, Josh Jones … Teez Tabor? What the fuck’s a Teez Tabor? They can all go.

Jason Myers is quite an interesting topic of conversation, actually. He came here on a 4 year, $15+ million deal and saw it through to the end. It’s kind of absurd how up and down he’s been in his career. In 2018, he was a Pro Bowler with the Jets. He signed with the Seahawks and wasn’t super great, hitting 82% of his field goals and 90% of his PATs. But, in 2020, he hit all of his field goals and 92% of his PATs. In 2021, he was downright bad, hitting only 74% of his field goals. At that point, I think every Seahawks fan was ready to wash their hands of him. However, in 2022, he jumped back up to 92% field goals made, with a high of 97% of his PATs made.

So, I don’t know what to tell ya. Based on this, he’s due to suck again in 2023. Does he deserve a raise for having another great year in a contract season? Does he deserve a reduction in pay thanks to how bad his 2021 was? Does he deserve the exact same deal? You like to think field goal kickers are easy to find, but they’re really not. Ask any team that’s struggled in this area. They’d probably back the Brinks truck up to bring in Jason Myers. I would say he’s probably worth the going rate of kickers in the top 10 in the league, but I also wouldn’t be broken up about losing him and finding a cheaper option elsewhere.

If I’m being honest, heading into this post, I was ready to declare Tyler Ott the most important Seahawks free agent of the bunch. But, I just remembered he was injured this year and didn’t play a regular season snap. So, maybe Carson Tinker is the way to go? Or maybe any ol’ fucking guy because long-snappers are a dime a dozen. Sign me to be your long-snapper! I’ve got flag football experience, I’m ready to go!

Seahawks Death Week 2022: Looking On The Bright Side

I tend to come on here and do a lot of bitching. It’s my outlet. That way, I don’t have to bombard loved ones with my rantings on draft order, mediocre quarterbacks, atrocious defenses, and the like.

But, today, I’m not going to do that. Today I’m taking off my pissy-pants and looking on the brighter side of Seahawks life.

As an astute commenter recently noted, it’s important to remember where our expectations were heading into the season. Mine were at an all-time low (or close to it) for the Seahawks. I estimated anywhere from 3-4 wins, with the Broncos being division winners. So, still getting that top 5 pick (from those Broncos), while having a better-than-anticipated Seahawks roster full of promising prospects getting lots of valuable experience, is a pretty big win! You could argue this is the best-possible (reasonable) season we could’ve gotten. Obviously, the ACTUAL best-possible season would’ve been Denver having the worst record in the NFL, with the Seahawks winning the Super Bowl. But, we’re bound by the laws of reality, which is still pretty damn good.

I couldn’t be happier with our 2022 draft class.

Kenneth Walker finished 12th in the league in rushing yards, with 1,050. And that’s with two full missed games, and not really taking over lead rushing duties until week five. He averaged 70 yards per game, which was 9th in the NFL, as well as 4.6 yards per carry, which was 9th as well (minimum 200 attempts). Maybe more importantly, he was the best rookie running back in this class, given his ability and durability. We’ll see how long he’s able to hold that title, but regardless that’s a VERY strong start to a career.

I thought Charles Cross and Abe Lucas acquitted themselves quite well as bookend offensive tackles. It’s not easy to find ONE of those positions in the draft, let alone two in the SAME draft. You never want to unfurl the Mission Accomplished banner after one quality season, but I think it’s reasonable to suspect we’re set at those spots for the next few years at least. Were they perfect? Of course not. But, the mistakes appeared to be minimal (for rookies), and the upside looks like it’s substantial.

On the defensive side of the ball, one of the few bright spots was cornerback Tariq Woolen, who finished with 6 interceptions in his first year. He also made the Pro Bowl, which is awesome! When you consider he was expected to be a rough project at corner, the fact that he started every game and played at such a high level is, frankly, phenomenal. It’s too early to start bandying around LOB comparisons, but if anyone deserves to be lumped into that group, it looks like it might be Woolen.

Guys like slot corner Coby Bryant and edge rusher/linebacker Boye Mafe have flashed at times, but have also looked a little rough. I’ll be cautiously optimistic with them, but that’s more than you could say for a lot of Seahawks draft picks over the last few years.

Other bright spots include our top two receivers. D.K. Metcalf and Tyler Lockett both surpassed 1,000 yards receiving, which seemed impossible before the season (1,048 for D.K., 1,033 for Tyler). They combined for 15 of our 30 receiving touchdowns; you can’t really ask for much more than that. We only had one other instance of two receivers catching over 1,000 yards in the same season under Russell Wilson’s leadership, and that was 2020 (with the same guys).

Speaking of the passing game, even though I have my reservations going forward, you can’t deny the numbers Geno Smith put up. He set the Seahawks’ single season passing yards record with 4,282. Granted, he needed 17 games to do it (when all others had, at most, 16 games to play in), but a record is a record. He ranked 4th in yards per game, 7th in passer rating, 1st in completion percentage, 7th in touchdowns, and 1st in both attempts and completions among all Seahawks single-season passers. That’s quite a feat after coming off of Russell Wilson, who wanted nothing more than to be the franchise leader in attempts (he’s actually only 3rd on the list with his 2020 season, behind Matt Hasselbeck’s 2007). By most tangible measures, you could argue Geno Smith had the best season of any Seahawks quarterback ever. Which is why there will be a strong push to bring him back on a multi-year extension.

I would also say we got strong seasons from all three of our tight ends, Noah Fant, Will Dissly, and Colby Parkinson. Nothing too flashy, but they were fine outlets when our other receivers were covered.

Defensively, Uchenna Nwosu was our brightest shining star. He finished with 9.5 sacks, 3 forced fumbles, 12 tackles for loss, and was our best and most consistent source of pressure. He’s one of the rare outside defensive free agents who’s come here and succeeded right away in the last decade.

Darrell Taylor picked up his game significantly late in the year, also finishing with 9.5 sacks. Quinton Jefferson and Bruce Irvin had nice reunions with the team, finishing with a combined 9 sacks. Quandre Diggs also came on a bit late in the season, finishing with 4 interceptions. And Ryan Neal was a sneaky defensive MVP, playing at a high level as our third safety thrust into a starting role early in the season. Also, kudos go to Shelby Harris for his veteran presence along the much-maligned defensive line. And, why not, Mike Jackson had some okay moments in his first year as a starting cornerback (4th year in the league).

There’s a universe where these guys I’ve just referenced are the foundation of the next great Seahawks team. No one is satisfied with a 9-8 record and semi-backing into the playoffs as a 7-seed. But I don’t think there’s any question that a 9-8 team is a lot closer to being at a championship level than a 4 or 5-win team with fundamental problems at multiple important areas. Especially when that 9-8 team has a couple of high selections in the first two rounds of the 2023 draft.

The key will be that draft, though. You can’t just do what we did in 2022 and expect a significant turnaround. It takes multiple consecutive years of nailing drafts and free agent classes to get things right.

But, I will say this: while I have my doubts about the defensive coordinator, I think this coaching staff and front office deserve a ton of credit for keeping this team together and blowing out everyone’s expectations. The organization got it right with Russell Wilson, even if we were a year or two too late in getting rid of him.

You can obviously understand why that trade happened the way it did, when it did. It’s not easy moving on from a franchise quarterback who’s been the best we’ve ever had, while leading us to back-to-back Super Bowls. I think we did the best we could under the circumstances, with Wilson having a no-trade clause and Denver being our only real option.

I would argue given our level of talent and lack of depth (particularly on the defensive side of the ball), it’s a miracle we won as many games as we did! It was also a miracle we stayed as healthy as we did, at our most important positions. I think I read on Twitter that Geno Smith was the only quarterback to take all of his team’s snaps (not counting crazy wildcat plays and whatnot). When you factor in an O-line breaking in two rookies at tackle, and having their issues along the interior, as well as the fact that Geno was tied for the third-most sacks taken, I don’t know how that’s even possible!

So, if you want, feel free to be optimistic about the future. I don’t blame you! I’m naturally skeptical about my Seattle teams, so I’ll be over here pouting in my little corner of the Internet. But, I’ll tell you this much: I’m extremely excited for all the moves the Seahawks end up making this upcoming offseason. I know I won’t agree with all of them, but there should be enough positives to rope me into a Glass Half Full assessment heading into this September. I can’t wait to be wildly disappointed at the conclusion of next season!

Nobody Wants To Hear About My Fantasy Team 2022: The Worst Possible Outcome

This season’s previous fantasy football posts:

Of course.

It’s not just that I came in last – ONCE AGAIN – in the Consolation Bracket, leaving me with only the 4th overall draft pick next year, but my trade partner – whose top two picks I get next year – also won the entire league, meaning those picks are 10th overall. The 4 and 10 picks. Fucking super. Maybe there’s some way I can trade for literally everyone’s first picks in 2024, that way I can guarantee myself a shot at a decent QB.

The only silver lining to this year is that I finally did win the championship in my Splinter League. It was a runaway. My team was great from the jump. I was projected to go 14-1 on draft day, I ended up going 11-4 through the regular season, and smoked both of my opponents in the playoffs (204.44 to 150.49 in round one, 178.30 to 147.90 in the championship). Shoutout to Christian McCaffrey and Austin Ekeler, my top two picks. Special shoutout to Jared Goff who probably saved my season. Honorable mention to CeeDee Lamb and Travis Kelce, stalwarts throughout. Even my bench rocked and rolled for me when I needed them! It’s nice to see Gabe Davis win at least one league, after such a disappointing season.

My other playoff team – in my third league – finished in fourth place, and was a colossal disappointment in the second half of the season.

All that’s left is choosing my dynasty roster for next year.

Quarterbacks

  • Justin Fields
  • Mike White
  • Mac Jones
  • Jordan Love
  • Matthew Stafford

Fields is a lock. Mac Jones is definitely out. Mike White is definitely out. Jordan Love is a wild card, but it all depends on what the Packers end up doing with him. If he remains Aaron Rodgers’ backup, then obviously he’s not going to be on my team next year. That leaves me with Matthew Stafford, who has already said he’s coming back in 2023. He’s definitely worth a shot, though obviously I’ll be drafting a quarterback with my top pick.

Running Backs

  • Ezekiel Elliott
  • Tony Pollard
  • Brian Robinson
  • Kenneth Walker
  • Alexander Mattison

I’m all in on Kenneth Walker, I think he’s just going to get better and better. My dream scenario involves the Cowboys cutting Zeke and handing the keys to Pollard, in which case I’m keeping Pollard. But, that would require a Pollard extension, which might not fit in the budget. On the plus side, maybe he lands with another run-heavy team that appreciates his talents. Mattison is another guy who will be a free agent, who could land with a run-heavy team (I mostly just picked him up so no one else could keep him). If all else fails, the Commanders seem to like Brian Robinson, and it might be interesting to see what he turns into with a full offseason of NOT getting shot in the leg in a robbery.

Wide Receivers

  • CeeDee Lamb
  • D.K. Metcalf
  • Christian Watson

Lamb is a guaranteed keeper. We’ll see with the other two. Watson has a high upside, but D.K. is already established. I could keep both, but that might be silly. Wide receivers are a dime a dozen; it’s probably more prudent to keep three running backs, what with injuries and everything.

Tight End / Kicker / Defense

  • T.J. Hockenson
  • Evan McPherson
  • New York Jets

I couldn’t be happier with where Hockenson landed. For whatever reason, the Lions just never figured him out, even though they pass a ton. The Vikings also pass a ton, but they seem to remember they also have a good tight end every once in a while. He actually finished #2 behind Kelce, which is kind of crazy, but also good on me for keeping him.

McPherson, on the other hand, REALLY took a step back in his second season. He finished 19th in kicker scoring. There were 11 guys on the scrap heap ranked ahead of him! I’m chalking that up to kicker randomness and hoping for better things in year three.

I’m cautiously optimistic with the Jets. They finished 7th in defensive scoring, but seem to have a young and talented core on that side of the ball that should continue to play well in 2023 at least. They finished MUCH better than the Rams, that’s for damn sure.

If I had to choose now, I’d go something like this:

  • Justin Fields (QB)
  • Matthew Stafford (QB)
  • CeeDee Lamb (WR)
  • D.K. Metcalf (WR)
  • Kenneth Walker (RB)
  • Tony Pollard (RB)
  • Brian Robinson (FLEX)
  • T.J. Hockenson (TE)
  • Evan McPherson (K)
  • N.Y. Jets (DEF)

My first pick is destined to be a quarterback. My second first round pick might ALSO be a quarterback. Then, it’s best player available the rest of the way (likely non-quarterbacks), with probably my early second rounder being another wide receiver.

I’ll be back with an update before next year’s season starts, where I should have a better idea of who I’m keeping.

The Seahawks Somehow Still Have Playoff Hopes

Heading into this week, I didn’t have a ton of confidence in the Seahawks doing much of anything against the Jets. But, then I got a lovely present from my fiance in the form of tickets to this game, and I knew straight away that the Seahawks would prevail. Which they did, in pretty dominating fashion!

The offense wasn’t exactly blazing hot, but we scored on three of five first half possessions, en route to scoring 23 points, which feels appropriate against that defense. We could’ve had three more, but Jason Myers missed just his second field goal of the season (he’s otherwise 30/32 through 16 games, including 6/6 of 50+).

It was the Seahawks’ defense that really stole the show. The Jets had renewed life – and playoff hopes of their own heading into this week – with the return of Mike White, but he looked positively Zach Wilsonian with his 240 yards on 50% passing, 0 touchdowns, 2 interceptions, 4 sacks for 36 yards, a 47.4 passer rating, and a measly 12.2 QBR.

I don’t totally understand what the Jets were trying to do on offense. What has been the Seahawks’ weak point all year? Stopping the run. They managed 75 yards on 17 carries, with Ty Johnson leading the way with 46 yards on 8 carries. But, that’s just it, they kept going away from the run for some crazy reason, putting the ball in Mike White’s hands, as if he was the answer. Dude’s a game manager at best; he should never have 46 attempts in an NFL game.

On the flipside, Geno Smith was fine. He was everything you’d want out of a game manager in this one, and could’ve had even better numbers if not for a couple of tough drops. Still, he finished with 183 yards on 18/29 passing, with 2 TDs and 0 INTs. Kenneth Walker did bellcow things with 133 yards on 23 carries. And, it was predictably a big day for the tight ends, as they combined for 83 yards on 8 receptions, with both of our TDs. Shoutout to Tyler Mabry with his first NFL catch going for a 7-yard touchdown.

Huge game for Darrell Taylor (2.5 sacks), Quinton Jefferson (1.5 sacks), Quandre Diggs and Mike White (1 INT each), and Tariq Woolen (led the team in tackles with 7 and very nearly had an INT of his own).

The defense as a whole held the Jets to 4/13 on third down (0/2 on fourth down). At no point were they ever able to get going, as we held them to just two field goals in the first half, and nothing after that. It was pure defensive domination, probably the best game from that side of the ball all year. Not saying a whole lot that it was the Jets, but we’ve been beaten by worse!

Now, we’re 8-8 and play the Rams next week for a chance at the playoffs. It goes like this: if we lose, we’re out, and the winner of Detroit @ Green Bay advances (they play the Sunday Night game next week). If we win, we need Detroit to beat Green Bay for us to make the playoffs (we hold a head-to-head tiebreaker over the Lions). If we win and Green Bay wins, the Packers advance to the playoffs (thanks to their superior conference record).

It’s idiotic to root for the Seahawks to make the playoffs. The smart play is to root for the Rams next week, knocking the Seahawks out and giving us as close to a top 10 pick as possible (whatever we would need to reach that goal). Root for the Saints, root for Tennessee, root for Cleveland, root for Washington, and root for Detroit. I don’t know how far up the draft board that would move us, but it couldn’t hurt.

My guess is – despite our best efforts – we’ll defeat the Rams and the Packers will beat the Lions. Seems like the most logical outcome.

Also, root like crazy for the Bears and Chargers! God dammit I want that Denver draft pick to be 2nd overall!

Nobody Wants To Hear About My Fantasy Team 2022: Landslide

This season’s previous fantasy football posts:

Last week was fucking dumb. Everyone in the world shit the bed as the season winds down and the weather gets freezing, except my opponent who had the most points in our league by a wide margin. I had the second-most points of the Consolation Bracket and the third-most points in the league by a pretty comfortable margin. The highest scorer among the playoff teams got 146.85. I had 161.80. My opponent had 199.10.

The other consolation bracket game ended 138.86 to 115.30. It’s patently ridiculous that I’m iced out of a top two pick, meanwhile a team that had 23 fewer points gets to move on. But, that’s fantasy football for you. It’s a fucking waking nightmare for four months a year.

I guess the silver lining here is that there’s nothing I could’ve done to change my outcome. I didn’t tinker endlessly like I did in one of my other leagues, leaving the points on my bench that would’ve propelled me to victory. Sure, Mac Jones outscored both of my starting quarterbacks (somehow, through garbage time points), but not to an extent that would’ve mattered in the grand scheme of things.

So, now I turn my sights to getting the third pick. I have to get through Sloane N Steady – this year’s Toilet Trophy recipient – to do so. Here are my guys:

  • Justin Fields (QB) @ Det
  • Mike White (QB) @ Sea
  • CeeDee Lamb (WR) @ Ten
  • D.K. Metcalf (WR) vs. NYJ
  • Kenneth Walker (RB) vs. NYJ
  • Tony Pollard (RB) @ Ten
  • T.J. Hockenson (TE) @ GB
  • Christian Watson (WR) vs. Min
  • Evan McPherson (K) vs. Buf
  • N.Y. Jets (DEF) @ Sea

It is what it is at this point. I’m legitimately shocked I couldn’t get more out of Tyler Huntley this year. He looked so good last year in his limited reps, at least from a fantasy perspective. Maybe I’m mis-remembering, I dunno. That was my impression anyway, and I was totally off base!

I hate Mac Jones with the fire of a thousand suns, so he seems like a pretty safe bet to become a viable fantasy quarterback in the next couple of years. That’s how it works. You join my team before you’re ready, you STINK up the joint, I give up on you and vow to never have you on my team ever again, someone else takes a flier on you in the later rounds the following year, bingo bango bongo, you’re a superstar.

I’ll tell you this much, I want to bench Kenneth Walker and start Brian Robinson. Walker is going up against a stout Jets defense. Robinson is going up against a poor Browns rushing defense. Everything in my gut tells me Robinson is going to out-score Walker. But, I’ve decided to stop tinkering, to go with the guys who got me here, and in this case that means keeping Walker in my starting lineup come what may. Any choice I make will be the wrong choice, is the conclusion I’ve come to, so I’d rather doom the Seahawks to lose this game if all things are equal.

Here’s who Sloane N Steady’s got:

  • Derek Carr (QB) vs. SF
  • Aaron Rodgers (QB) vs. Min
  • Amon-Ra St. Brown (WR) vs. Chi
  • Michael Pittman Jr. (WR) @ NYG
  • Dalvin Cook (RB) @ GB
  • Nick Chubb (RB) @ Was
  • Juwan Johnson (TE) @ Phi
  • Travis Etienne (RB) @ Hou
  • Brett Maher (K) @ Ten
  • Cincinnati (DEF) vs. Buf

I don’t have anything to say. Frankly, this LOOKS like a matchup of the two worst teams in the league. I have Nick Chubb in another league and I don’t know if he’s had a touchdown in the second half of the season, so watch him blow up in this one.

The Seahawks Are Sputtering To The Finish

Holding the Chiefs to 24 points in Kansas City is kind of a best-case scenario for this Seahawks defense against that offense. I guess it isn’t wildly shocking when you think about it, though. It’s not like KC has anything resembling a running game. But, that hasn’t stopped other rushing-deficient teams from stampeding all over us. At some point, you just have to want to run the ball, and I don’t think the Chiefs do. And really, they don’t need to; the proof is in the pudding.

If you told me before the game that the Seahawks would hold them to 24 points, I’d say we’d go on to have a competitive contest. But, I would’ve been wrong! That’s what happens when your offensive line is young and injured and exposed. That’s what happens when a Chiefs front seven is free to tee off on us. That’s what happens when Tyler Lockett is injured, D.K. Metcalf is your only pass catching threat, and everyone else is slow or ineffective or both.

That being said, I still don’t fully understand why the Seahawks were held to 10 points in this one. All things considered, I thought D.K. had a pretty solid game in spite of the Chiefs knowing he was the only real threat. He still caught 7 for 81 and was a toe-tap away from a bigtime touchdown in the back of the endzone, when the game was still in doubt. It’s even more mind-boggling when you see that Kenneth Walker was good for 107 rushing yards on 26 carries.

But, this game was a mishmash of Seahawks mistakes from the jump. We might as well have been playing the 49ers’ defense again, with how effective they were at making Geno Smith’s life miserable. He sure didn’t help his cause in becoming some $33 million man. 25/40 for 215, 1 TD and 1 ugly INT. We didn’t actually find the endzone until the second-to-last drive of the game, and the field goal came with no time left on the clock in the first half. We were 2/14 on third down, and needed to go 3/6 on fourth down just to attempt to keep things interesting.

All in all, a pretty boring Seahawks defeat. At least we had the rest of Christmas Eve to look forward to.

Now we’re 7-8 with two home games to go, against the Jets and Rams. At least the Broncos got killed by those very same Rams. I hope we can lose out to further bolster our draft next year.

Nobody Wants To Hear About My Fantasy Team 2022: A Peek Into My Other Teams

This season’s previous fantasy football posts:

Just to close up a dangling thread from last week, Einfach A.F. did, in fact, win, so they’re moving on to the regular playoffs. Which means the two picks I receive from them in trade are getting worse and worse.

Since nothing happened with RoundTine last week (I will say that I scored the fewest points of any team in the Consolation Bracket, which is either an ominous sign, or the first shitty waffle everyone throws away before the good ones start popping out), I thought I’d talk about my two other fantasy football teams. In leagues where I made the actual playoffs!

Puppy Monkey Baby is my pride and joy. My Splinter League team finished in first place at 11-4, two games better than my playoff brothers and sisters (who all finished 9-6). I’m pretty loaded here at every spot but quarterback (we, thankfully, have eliminated kickers and a mandatory tight end position, though we allow two flex spots where you could play tight ends if you want).

I’m talking CeeDee Lamb and Amon-Ra St. Brown. I’m talking Christian McCaffrey and Austin Ekeler. I’m talking Travis Kelce, Kenneth Walker, and the Steelers’ surging defense. I’m talking a bench comprised of useful dudes who would be starters on other teams: Chris Olave, Cordarrelle Patterson, Gabe Davis, and Mike Williams. I also took a flier on Jameson Williams (who hasn’t panned out, but oh well, you can’t win ’em all).

It’s dicey with the quarterbacks, though (it’s another 2-QB league). Jared Goff has been fine (sometimes good, sometimes not). Kenny Pickett is my preferred #2, however I also have Andy Dalton. If I’m winning this league, I’m winning in spite of these guys. I need the rest of my team to pick up the slack!

In my third league, RUM HAM! went 6-0 to start the year. I was 7-7 heading into last week. I needed to win, and I needed my brother to knock someone out of my spot in the playoffs. It came to pass, and so here I am, the 4-seed, and the least-likely person to win this league.

Justin Jefferson has been as advertised this season. Nick Chubb has been pretty great, but he’s definitely fallen off in recent weeks. Terry McLaurin has been on a disappointing team with disappointing quarterbacks. I figured Lamar Jackson would lay the league to waste this year, but he’s been relatively mediocre. This is another league where I’ve got Gabe Davis, though in this one I’ve had to use him almost every week, to frustrating results.

I’ve had Kareem Hunt as a handcuff all year, but it hasn’t paid off. I also started the year with both starting Rams running backs, and that was a total disaster. I was able to grab J.K. Dobbins a couple weeks ago, and I’ve got Zack Moss (for the Colts) in there now, but it might be too little too late. I do have Buffalo’s kicker and Philly’s defense, who have both been pretty reliable during their non-BYE weeks (both in week 7), but my guys just don’t score enough touchdowns in general. I rarely ever have big breakout weeks. It could be we just haven’t seen my team play to its fullest potential, but I think I’m VERY lucky to be in this position, and this playoff spot is probably wasted on me.

We’ll see how it goes! Fantasy Football gets exciting this week! Let’s get back to RoundTine and see what I’m working with in the all-important Consolation Bracket:

  • Justin Fields (QB) vs. Buf
  • Tyler Huntley (QB) vs. Atl
  • CeeDee Lamb (WR) vs. Phi
  • D.K. Metcalf (WR) @ KC
  • Kenneth Walker (RB) @ KC
  • Tony Pollard (RB) vs. Phi
  • T.J. Hockenson (TE) vs. NYG
  • Christian Watson (WR) @ Mia
  • Evan McPherson (K) @ NE
  • N.Y. Jets (DEF) vs. Jax

I’m only playing Huntley if Lamar Jackson is out again this week. Otherwise, I’m stuck with Mac Jones vs. Cincinnati. Mike White – my ultimate choice to be my #2 QB – was killed in a Revenant-style bear attack on the football field a couple weeks ago.

I have two viable bench players, if needed. Ezekiel Elliott is obviously there, if I need him. And Brian Robinson is going up against the 49ers. So, Zeke would be my obvious first choice between the two.

This week, for my Consolation Bracket livelihood, I’m going up against The Lance Petemans, in a matchup of 8 vs. 9. Here’s his team:

  • Kirk Cousins (QB) vs. NYG
  • Jared Goff (QB) @ Car
  • Tyreek Hill (WR) vs. GB
  • DeAndre Hopkins (WR) vs. TB
  • James Conner (RB) vs. TB
  • Tyler Allgeier (RB) @ Bal
  • Darren Waller (TE) @ Pit
  • Keenan Allen (WR) @ Ind
  • Robbie Gould (K) vs. Was
  • Cleveland (DEF) vs. NO

I traded him Tyreek Hill a few years ago and have rued it ever since. So, expect him to blow up for 40 points. The rest of the guys are capable of big days, but they’re also capable of stinkeroos. So, we’ll see.

I’m not confident. Winning the Consolation Bracket is something I’ve wanted SO desperately for years now; ever since we started trending towards being a dynasty league, with more and more keepers every year. Basically, ever since I realized my team wasn’t good enough to hack it with the big boys, because my keepers (read: quarterbacks) have been trash. The best I’ve finished is second (meaning I had the second overall draft pick) and my reward was the top non-QB rookie position player off the board: Clyde Edward-Helaire.

I need a stud rookie quarterback. I can’t get that guy with the fourth overall pick. I would LOVE it if I landed in the top two. But, for that to happen, I must win this week.

I want it too much! I want it too much, so it’s not going to happen for me. That’s the way this works.

Nobody Wants To Hear About My Fantasy Team 2022: The Consolation Bracket BYE Week

This season’s previous fantasy football posts:

It was a rough final regular season game for ol’ RoundTine. As noted previously, Fields was on a BYE, Christian Watson was on a BYE, Brian Robinson was on a BYE, Kenneth Walker was out injured, and Matthew Stafford was on IR. That left me with one healthy bench option in Mike White, who finished with 13.4 points in a loss at the Bills. I thought that was the smart play – to bench him – and I feel vindicated in that assessment. 13.4 points is nothing for a quarterback in our league. That being said, the guys I had at my disposal – Mac Jones and Tyler Huntley – got me 7.65 and 7.5 respectively. It hurt severely that Huntley had to leave early. Jones doesn’t have that excuse, he’s just a terrible fucking quarterback.

CeeDee Lamb had a predictably mediocre day against the Texans, which led to great numbers for the Dallas running backs (I had both starting, not necessarily out of necessity). D.K. Metcalf had another good day, and T.J. Hockenson had an okay day for a middling tight end.

Anyway, Einfach A.F. defeated RoundTine 150.35 to 118.65. That dropped me to 5-9 on the season and in 9th place in our 10-team league. Which means! That I! Was not! Last Place! I get to hand off the toilet trophy to Sloane N Steady, who had the misfortune of scoring the 7th-most points in our league, yet had the very most points scored against him.

So, here’s how the playoffs work: the top six teams make it. The top two teams – Car Talk With Josh Allen and Beasts – get BYEs in the first round. The other four play this week.

Also getting BYEs this week: the entire consolation bracket. So, I don’t have to set a lineup or do anything right now.

I’ll be rooting for You Dropped Your Dildo to defeat Einfach A.F. because I have Einfach’s top two draft picks next year, and if he loses this week, he’ll be in the 5th place/6th place game next week, which means that pick will be either 5th or 6th depending on the outcome. However, if Einfach A.F. wins this week, then my extra picks are guaranteed to be 7th or later. Every little bit helps in the first couple rounds!

Even though I’m not setting a lineup, I still made a move this week. I’m officially done with Gabe Davis. He’s out of my life forever, so get ready for him to blow up like he did at the end of last season. In his place, I picked up another quarterback: Jordan Love. Who knows what the Packers will do this offseason? They could ship Aaron Rodgers away and start the Jordan Love era (who has looked very good the last couple times he’s played in games). They could trade Jordan Love for draft picks to a quarterback-needy team. Or, they could just fuck me and decide to keep him as their backup. The possibilities are limitless!

That leaves me with the following quarterbacks (for now) heading into the offseason: Justin Fields, Mike White, Tyler Huntley, Mac Jones, Matthew Stafford, and Jordan Love. I figure Fields is guaranteed to be one of my keepers (barring a devastating knee injury), which leaves me with five quarterbacks for one spot. All terrible options, at the moment.

In looking ahead ever-so-briefly, next week I’ll be going up against The Lance Petemans for my fantasy life. Honestly, it’s probably my best option. The other two teams – Korky Butchek and Sloane N Steady – both out-scored the Petemans this year. Nevertheless, he outscored me by almost 100 points, so it’s not like I’ll be favored or anything. If there was a last place trophy for total points, I would’ve run away with it this year. But, thankfully, we’re in a Head To Head league, so the world is a little unfair for everyone involved.

I’ll be honest, though, I’m a little bummed we’re not playing this week. I have some sweet matchups! If I were setting a lineup, I’ll just say it right now: I wouldn’t be starting Kenneth Walker. Not coming off of a foot injury, and NOT against the 49ers. But, I have Mike White against the Lions, my Cowboys against the nothing defense of Jacksonville, I’ve also got Huntley against a terrible run defense in Cleveland, or Mac Jones against a nothing defense in Vegas. Plus, my Jets defense hosts Detroit; I know the Lions have been hot lately, but that ends this week! I would start the Jets’ defense with no fear!

It’s Time To Stop Deluding Ourselves With These Seahawks

This has been the wackiest rollercoaster ride we’ve had with the Seahawks since I don’t even know when. Before the season started, there were people out there predicting the Seahawks would be one of the three worst teams in football. Most Seahawks fans scoffed at that, but still had us pegged for anywhere from 5-7 wins and NOT contending for the playoffs. The season started and – through five weeks – that felt like an accurate prediction, until a 4-game winning streak left our expectations soaring through the stratosphere! With Geno Smith playing out of his mind, with Kenneth Walker and Tariq Woolen possibly locking down their respective rookie of the year trophies, with competent play along both lines, and with no one else REALLY asserting themselves in the NFC, an argument was made that the Seahawks might make some noise this year!

Then, Germany happened, and ever since it’s felt like a waking nightmare. Teams are rushing for an ungodly amount of yards against us. The offense is making just enough mistakes to counter-balance our effectiveness. And now injuries are starting to pile up at positions we can ill-afford to sustain them. We’ve lost 3 out of 4, and it very well could’ve been 4 out of 4 if it weren’t for the Rams being so totally and completely inept.

Our latest embarrassing failure was at home to the woeful Panthers of Carolina. 30-24 was the final score, but that didn’t really tell the tale. We were down 17-0 in the first half, because our defense couldn’t stop them, and our offense kept turning the ball over. We finally scored to bring it to 17-7 and forced a 3 & Out on their subsequent possession, but then we proceeded to turn it right back over on the very next play, which led to them settling for a field goal. We were able to score on a 2-minute drive to make it 20-14 heading into halftime, and it looked like maybe we’d overcome our first half struggles to blow them out in the second half.

On the first drive of the third quarter, we made it 20-17, then forced a 3 & Out. Our defense stiffened up in a big way in that quarter, but our offense wasn’t able to take advantage. Finally, the Panthers broke through in the fourth quarter with a long touchdown drive (both in yards and time of possession). Our offense continued to struggle, as they took a 30-17 lead with two minutes to go. We got a garbage time touchdown late, but couldn’t wrangle the onside kick, and that was that.

Pretty pitiful effort from all phases. Geno had 3 touchdowns, but also two pretty bad picks (one of them was on what we all thought was a free play, but the refs didn’t agree that there was an offsides penalty; nevertheless, you’d like to see a better throw on an expected “free play”). Also, his three sacks were pretty terrible, with opportunities to throw the ball away.

The running game – as expected – stunk. They tried to toy with Kenneth Walker being available, but that was never happening. All that succeeded in accomplishing was fucking over those of us with Walker on our fantasy teams, since we weren’t able to put him in our IR slots until Sunday afternoon. DeeJay Dallas was also out, but I don’t know what kind of loss that is. We were left with the dregs that are Travis Homer (9 carries for 26 yards), Geno Smith (3 carries for 20 yards) and Miscellaneous (2 carries for 0 yards). There aren’t a lot of quarterbacks out there who can succeed without any running game whatsoever; Geno Smith isn’t one of them.

Our top three receivers had good games though. Marquise Goodwin led the way with 5 for 95 and a touchdown. D.K. Metcalf (with an injury designation all week) had 5 for 71 and a TD. And Tyler Lockett (6 yards from hitting the over) had 5 for 60 and a TD.

I don’t have anything good to say about our defense. It’s gross. Everyone knows we suck at stopping the run, and they still do it anyway, with no resistance whatsoever. We lost to Sam Darnold’s 14/24 for 120 yards, because they were able to run it 46 times for 223 yards. That’s absolutely disgusting.

Now we host the 49ers on Thursday night. They’ve got a lot of injuries of their own, but they’re so dominant on defense, it shouldn’t matter. I think everyone’s going to bet on the 49ers and really push that line up. Walker almost certainly won’t be ready to play this week (and you’d be a fool to start him against that defense, if you have him in fantasy), so there’s no reason why the Seahawks should perform well. You know who LOVES to run the football? Kyle Shanahan and the 49ers!

So, get ready for an ugly game where the Seahawks manage to keep it close. It wouldn’t even shock me if we stole a win here. I’m not predicting that, I’m just saying be careful with your confidence level betting this game. The Seahawks are fucking weird, and oftentimes go against expectations. See: this Panthers game. Everyone thought we’d dominate, and look at what happened!

Nobody Wants To Hear About My Fantasy Team 2022: Not Last Place!

It’s a bummer, because I was one tinkering week away from a 5-game winning streak and a pretty legitimate chance at sneaking into the playoffs. Without getting too bogged down in hypotheticals, if I had been riding that 5-game winning streak, all I’d need to do is win this week, have another team lose (as he’s projected to do), and I would’ve achieved the unlikeliest playoff berth in league history.

As it stands, I’m currently 5-8 and have put myself in a position to be guaranteed that I’m not in last place. How is that possible? Well, there are two teams currently sitting at 4-9, and they’re both going head-to-head in this week’s regular season finale. So, win or lose, I’m guaranteed to hand off the last place Toilet Trophy to someone else!

I accomplished this feat by taking down Beasts, who was sitting in second place last week (and has since fallen to third). Beasts has the second-most points scored this season, but he lost to RoundTine 155.95 to 144.60.

It wasn’t looking good heading into Sunday night’s 5pm game, as he had a 27-point lead over me, with Tampa’s defense still set to go Monday night. But, my Cowboys dominated – with both Lamb and Pollard getting 20+ points – and I was just able to hold on.

I also had big weeks from D.K. Metcalf and Christian Watson, with competent weeks from Mike White and Justin Fields (I resisted the urge to start Mac Jones, but it turns out the difference would’ve been negligible). I’m very concerned about Kenneth Walker’s injury – that very nearly cost me – but hopefully he’ll be able to return to health soon enough.

I put in a waiver claim for Brock Purdy – the 49ers starter, now that Jimmy G is out – and thought I had a good shot at him. I had #3 priority, which should’ve been plenty good for a nothing quarterback. I like him because the 49ers’ offense seems to be idiot-proof. He also might be a weird diamond in the rough. But, that was shot to hell when some jagweed with higher priority stole him from me. So, I settled for my backup option: waiver claim for Tyler Huntley. He might only be available to me for this one week, which probably makes it a waste of my waiver priority, but what are you gonna do? You can’t take it with you!

In the regular season finale, I’m going up against Einfach A.F. It has minor implications, as a RoundTine victory would help Korky Butchek sneak into that 6th seed (assuming Korky defeats Beasts), but all I can do is set my lineup and let the chips fall where they may. Here’s who I’ve got:

  • Mac Jones (QB) @ Ari
  • Tyler Huntley (QB) @ Pit
  • CeeDee Lamb (WR) vs. Hou
  • Gabe Davis (WR) vs. NYJ
  • Ezekiel Elliott (RB) vs. Hou
  • Tony Pollard (RB) vs. Hou
  • T.J. Hockenson (TE) @ Det
  • D.K. Metcalf (WR) vs. Car
  • Evan McPherson (K) vs. Cle
  • N.Y. Jets (DEF) @ Buf

No Justin Fields, Christian Watson, or Brian Robinson this week due to BYEs. I’m assuming Kenneth Walker will be out. So, that really limits my options.

That being said, even if I were at full strength, I would still start both Cowboys running backs in a heartbeat. Against the Texans?! Yes please!

I hate having to start Gabe Davis, especially against the Jets’ elite secondary. I’m hoping to make up for that with a big game from D.K. I’m dubious that CeeDee Lamb will do much, as I feel like the Cowboys are just going to run the ball 50 times. So, here’s hoping Hockenson can have a big game.

I don’t love the Huntley matchup at Pittsburgh, but I just blew a waiver on him, so I better start him. Mike White at the Bills doesn’t do much for me. But, who knows, maybe I’ll get cold feet with Mac Jones yet again and opt to go with White at the last minute.

Here’s what I’m going up against:

  • Jalen Hurts (QB) @ NYG
  • Geno Smith (QB) vs. Car
  • Stefon Diggs (WR) vs. NYJ
  • Deebo Samuel (WR) vs. TB
  • Latavius Murray (RB) vs. KC
  • Jeff Wilson Jr. (RB) @ LAC
  • Pat Freiermuth (TE) vs. Bal
  • Adam Thielen (WR) @ Det
  • Justin Tucker (K) @ Pit
  • Baltimore (DEF) @ Pit

His skill guys aren’t the scariest in the world, but his quarterbacks more than make up for it. Also, every time I have Gabe Davis going up against Stefon Diggs, it’s a fucking bloodbath against me, so that’s a nightmare.

That being said, if I’m being perfectly honest, I think I’d rather go up against Korky Butchek in the Consolation Bracket over Einfach A.F. So, I won’t be too broken up if I lose this weekend.

On the flipside, though, if I can knock Einfach A.F. out of the playoffs, I’ve got his top two draft picks next year, so I’d be guaranteed to have two picks out of the top four in both of the first two rounds, which would be SWEET.