Nobody Wants To Hear About My Fantasy Team 2023: A Perfect Honeymoon

My honeymoon spanned two fantasy football weekends, and between my three teams, I went a perfect 6-0. It was just incredible! I tried to talk my wife into stowing away on the cruise ship for another week, but sadly she wasn’t up for breaking so many laws.

I defeated the first place Beasts in Week 11, 147.75 to 125.65. I got great production out of Jordan Love and Justin Fields, a red hot game out of Tank Dell for my flex, and the combo of Lamb and Pollard came through with flying colors. This compensated for a Kenneth Walker injury and almost nothing from the Jets defense.

Then, in Week 12, I had the most points in the league, defeating Turd Sandwich 192.05 to 176.80. Once again, Jordan Love looked amazing, Pollard and Lamb were awesome, Dell and Hockenson were great, and Kyren Williams returned to obliterate the competition.

The two victories broke the Cousins Curse, and got me back up to 6-6 on the season. That’s good for fifth place in the league (top six go to the playoffs), with a 1-game cushion over the two teams directly below me (as well as around 100 points of tie-breaking cushion as far as total points are concerned). With two weeks left in the regular season, I only have one guy to worry about. He’s right there with me in total points, but he’s two games behind me in record. So, all I need to do is win one more game, have that guy lose one more game, or have one of the 5-7 teams lose once more, or just score no fewer points than the 4-8 team over the next two weeks. My point being: a playoff spot is all but guaranteed, unless the absolute unthinkable happens (unfortunately, none of those three teams play one another).

The highest I can get is fourth place, but I would have to win out and he would have to lose out, so that seems unlikely. The top four teams have already clinched playoff berths though, so there’s four teams fighting for two spots. Interestingly enough, I have the third-most points scored in the league. No one considers me a threat to win it all, which feels appropriate.

With Williams back in the fold, and with Jordan Love playing positively Cousins-esque, I do think I have a fighting chance. But, this is fantasy football, so of course anything can happen.

This week, I’m going up against last place Toot Cannons. I’ve got my Vikings and Bears (Hockenson, Addison, Fields) on a BYE, so if ever there was an opportunity to blow my winning streak, this is it. Here’s my lineup:

  • Jordan Love (QB) vs. KC
  • Bryce Young (QB) @ TB
  • CeeDee Lamb (WR) vs. Sea
  • Terry McLaurin (WR) vs. Mia
  • Tony Pollard (RB) vs. Sea
  • Kyren Williams (RB) vs. Cle
  • Trey McBride (TE) @ Pit
  • Tank Dell (WR) vs. Den
  • Dustin Hopkins (K) @ LAR
  • N.Y. Jets (DEF) vs. Atl

I love what Love has been doing the last couple weeks, but Kansas City poses quite a threat for him. They didn’t play very well against the Raiders last week, but they still have a lot of talent in their secondary, and can make life difficult up front, so I’m not expecting another 30-point performance. The last thing I want to do is start Young, but I have no other options at the position. On the plus side, Carolina just fired their head coach, so maybe there’s a bounce-back opportunity there. Plus, Tampa’s secondary has been a joke for a while now, so if there was ever a chance for Young to bust out, this might be it.

I like any Cowboys player against this Seahawks defense, but then again, it wouldn’t totally shock me if our defense finally got it together. Williams will have a tough go against the Browns. I do like McLaurin against the Dolphins; Washington should have to throw a lot in this game. And the Jets have a pretty juicy matchup against a turnover-prone Falcons team.

My concern at this time has to do with injury designations to Tank Dell and Trey McBride. McBride is a highly-coveted tight end prospect who has done quite well in the absence of Zach Ertz. If he can’t go, I’m screwed, as there are no other decent TE options on the free agent pile. Dell’s injury sounds minor, but he didn’t practice yesterday, and my problem is having an alternative for him. With Addison on BYE, all I have left is Charbonnet (assuming Walker will miss another week with an oblique injury). With Charbonnet going tonight, I would have to commit to him right now, which means I’d either have to bench Dell (who has been one of the hottest receivers in the league over the last few weeks) or maybe Kyren Williams (if we bank on the Browns’ defense being amazing; he’s nevertheless a snap-hog for the Rams when he’s in there). I don’t want to play Charbonnet against the Cowboys, because I kinda think they’re going to dominate the Seahawks.

So, we’ll see what happens. Hopefully Dell returns to practice later today, and I won’t have to worry about it.

Here’s who Toot Cannons has to offer:

  • Kyler Murray (QB) @ Pit
  • Tua Tagovailoa (QB) @ Was
  • Marquise Brown (WR) @ Pit
  • Chris Olave (WR) vs. Det
  • Jerome Ford (RB) @ LAR
  • Jaylen Warren (RB) vs. Ari
  • Jake Ferguson (TE) vs. Sea
  • Najee Harris (RB) vs. Ari
  • Cameron Dicker (K) @ NE
  • San Francisco (DEF) @ Phi

He’s got a number of injuries (including Justin Jefferson) as well as Saquon Barkley on a BYE. He’s also got De’Von Achane, Tee Higgins, Dallas Goedert, and Tyler Boyd to throw in there in place of Najee Harris. Any way you slice it, Toot Cannons is in rough shape. I would love nothing more than to take care of business this week and not have to worry about the regular season finale.

The Seahawks Are Somehow Back In The Playoffs

As a Seahawks fan – but really, as a longtime, hardcore fan of most (if not all) Seattle sports – there are a few universal truths. The Mariners are always going to bring in a guy who looks like an amazing fit, only for him to immediately go in the tank (last year it was Jesse Winker, this year it figures to be A.J. Pollock; though never discount the surprise bust). Similarly, the Mariners are always going to give up on someone who goes somewhere else and plays amazing. The Sonics are always going to get screwed over by the NBA (who continually tantalizes us with promises of a new team, with zero follow through) until they’ve crushed the spirit of every last basketball fan in Seattle. The Husky football team is always going to have at least one enraging defeat to a mediocre-to-bad team that prevents them from ever making the playoffs. And for every Seattle-based team, it goes like this: if you need help from someone else to bolster the future of our franchise – whether it’s the near-future, in helping us win a division title in the final week of the season, or the more distant future by giving us an improved draft pick – bet against our interests, because that’s the result you’re going to get.

Now, you can read that and say, “But! But!” And yeah, duh, it’s not literally 100% of the time that these “universal truths” come to fruition, but more often than not. And when it’s not in our favor, BOY does it seem to hurt us bad.

Remember in 2008, when the Mariners were expected to compete for a playoff spot, only to lose over 100 games and be in direct competition for the top overall draft pick? Remember how we won a meaningless series against Oakland at the very end of the year to fall to the #2 spot (whereas the Washington Nationals did their fucking jobs and got to draft a great starting pitcher)? The Mariners got Dustin Ackley and it set us back considerably. Remember in 1992 when the Seahawks had maybe one of the worst offenses in NFL history and finished 2-14? We were in direct competition with the 2-14 Patriots for the top overall pick. Since we beat them, they had the tiebreaker and got to pick first (incidentally, they also had a chance to get a third win in the final week of the season, but lost to the Dolphins in overtime; what’s most galling is that the Pats had a 10-point halftime lead and a 7-point lead heading into the fourth quarter, to say nothing of being in field goal range just before regulation expired, before taking a brutal sack to get knocked back). The Patriots got to draft Drew Bledsoe; the Seahawks were saddled with Rick Mirer.

There are countless examples of the Seattle team getting fucked over at the very end by outside forces compelled to make us all feel bad. It’s the We Can’t Have Nice Things law of nature, and it’s a bitch.

Now, you might also say, “What about the Lions? They just did us a solid by defeating the Packers in Green Bay last night, sending us to the playoffs!”

But, DID they do us a solid? Do we have ANY business being in these playoffs? It took overtime and the total and complete depletion of the Los Angeles Rams by injury (including their three best players: Aaron Donald, Cooper Kupp, and Matthew Stafford, who also rank among the best players in the NFL at their positions) for the Seahawks just to finish 9-8 and in a position to need help last night.

Part of me will accept the answer that you shouldn’t get accustomed to losing. That it’s better to do sort of what the Seahawks did and hover around .500, than it is to be 3-14 and vie for the top overall draft pick. That means the players you have currently on your roster – and in our case, a lot of them are very young, with room to blossom and improve – are pretty good and gained valuable experience while getting better as the season progressed. But, at the same time, this Seahawks team isn’t good enough to win ONE playoff game, let alone enough to get us to Super Bowl. I would say it doesn’t matter who we play – we could go to any of the top four seeds and most definitely lose – but having to face the 49ers (who already DOMINATED us twice, and is probably the best team in the NFC) is just a blowout embarrassment waiting to happen.

You might say, “Well, it’s hard to beat a team three times in the same season. Plus, they’re down to their third quarterback, and if our defense can just keep things close, you never know.” Even if I give you that – and assume, for the sake of argument, that we find a way to prevail next week – you’re telling me then we have to go to Philly, and I’m telling you there is NO FUCKING CHANCE we win that game against a #1 seed that just had a bye week to get healthy. All that does is bump our draft pick to 25th (or even 26th, if the Bucs upset the Cowboys in the first round before succumbing to reality).

You know what I would’ve rather had? The 14th pick, which is what we would’ve gotten if we’d lost to the Rams on Sunday. Failing that, you know what I would’ve rather had? The 17th pick, which is what we would’ve gotten if the Packers defeated the Lions (everything else being the same). Now, as it stands? We have the 20th pick. If everything goes according to plan – we lose to the 49ers, the Bucs lose to the Cowboys – we get the 20th. What’s the one thing that could help us? The Bucs winning next Monday night and the Seahawks losing, which would bump us up one to 19th overall. Will that happen? Please see: the entire beginning to this blog post.

I would argue that just being 8-9 or 9-8 has achieved everything we wanted. It kept the team relevant to the very end, it showed us a lot of the young guys who figure to be stalwarts on this team for the foreseeable future, and it didn’t get anyone on the coaching staff fired, so we can have that continuity going into the 2023 season. We already HAD that, we didn’t need to add a meaningless playoff defeat into the mix! All that does is hurt our potential in next year’s draft.

And, if you think I’m being an overly-dramatic Negative Nelly, I want you to look at some of the OTHER ways the rest of the NFL could’ve helped us … with the Denver draft pick.

We have the 5th pick. If the Chargers had simply tried to beat Denver and succeeded, that would’ve improved to the 3rd pick. Or if the Colts and Cards had won ONCE in the last seven weeks, it would’ve been the 3rd pick. The Colts had the fucking Texans of all teams in week 18, and still managed to bungle it! And the Cardinals the week before blew it at the end against the lowly Falcons.

Then, there would’ve been the ultimate prize, if Denver had lost to the Chargers, and the Bears had won once in the last TEN weeks, that could’ve moved all the way to a 2nd overall pick.

So many fucking possibilities to get into the Top 3. Instead, we’re saddled with 5th. There were chances to get one of the two best defensive line prospects in this draft class. But, looking at it now, it’s going to require teams trading down:

  1. Chicago – probably keeping Justin Fields and taking the best defender available, unless they trade down
  2. Houston – quarterback most likely
  3. Arizona – committed to Kyler Murray for many years, GM situation in flux, probably not trading at all and taking best defender available
  4. Indianapolis – quarterback all but certainly
  5. Seattle – fucked

What’s worse is that if Chicago trades down, they probably don’t want to trade very far, so I’m guessing Indy will be a likely trade partner; that does not help us. We need someone like the Raiders (7th), Panthers (9th) or Titans (11th) to make a big move, since all three are probably in the market for a quarterback upgrade.

It sucks. What does 5 and 20 get us? One stud, hopefully, and maybe the best guard or center in the draft (assuming there’s one worth taking in the first round; quality centers can usually be had in rounds 2 or 3). Otherwise, at 20, you’re looking for a good quarterback who’s fallen (maybe packaging that with our high second rounder to move up into the teens).

I dunno, I guess that’s Future Me’s concern. For now, I have to try to talk myself into a scenario where the Seahawks aren’t blown out of the stadium on Saturday afternoon (always the anticipated Worst Wild Card Round Game). God help us if we find a way to win, and that 20th overall pick falls to where it normally is, in the mid-to-high 20’s. I may lose my God damn mind.

The Seahawks Actually Played A Little Defense!

A 19-9 Seahawks victory over the Cardinals is not what I was expecting. Not in the least. I read something on Twitter about an interview with Pete Carroll before the game, and he was talking about how they worked on a few tweaks for the defense that he was expecting to pay immediate dividends, but how many times have you heard that in your life? And how many times has it actually come true?

I wouldn’t say the Cardinals are great, not by a longshot. But, they know how to move the football. Sure, they’re a little banged up, and Hopkins won’t be back until NEXT week, but they’ve put up points in bunches against much better defenses than ours. Yet, in this one, they scored all of three points on offense (the other six were a special teams touchdown on a botched punt).

You’ll forgive me if this was a bit of a hangover game. Not literally, but with the Mariners going 18 innings on Saturday in losing to the Astros, I really wasn’t in the mood to watch the Seahawks on Sunday. Turns out, I didn’t miss a whole lot.

The take-away from this game is just how good this rookie class is for the Seahawks. We haven’t seen rookies produce at this level since You Know When.

For starters, Kenneth Walker III ascended to his rightful spot as this team’s #1 running back. So, everyone who held onto him in fantasy through the first five weeks (including me in two leagues, one of them a dynasty league) got handsomely rewarded. 97 yards on 21 carries with a TD, plus 2 catches for 13 yards. Those aren’t eye-popping numbers, but apparently he passed the eye test with flying colors. He just LOOKS like what a #1 running back is supposed to look like, which means – if he can stay healthy – he should be good for a long time.

Tariq Woolen is not-so-quietly having a monster season. That’s his 4th interception in his 4th consecutive game for the 5th round pick. We all knew he was super athletic and fast coming out of college, but to be this fundamentally sound and able to make these kinds of plays (as someone mentioned on Twitter, these aren’t cheap INTs off of deflections and whatnot) is truly remarkable! I didn’t know if the Seahawks were capable of coaching up young DBs anymore, given our lack of success since You Know When. But, he looks like a star!

Speaking of coaching up DBs, Coby Bryant is coming along swimmingly. That’s 4 forced fumbles in his last five games for the 4th round pick. It certainly looks like he’s the answer to our nickel corner woes, but I also wouldn’t put it past him to slide over as the other outside corner.

Then, you’ve got the steady excellence of Charles Cross and Abe Lucas on the O-Line, topped off with Boye Mafe being a fine-looking role player on defense who figures to get a longer look as others continue to disappoint on the edge. If we can get either of our 7th round wide receivers into the mix, that’s practically a Yahtzee!

So, the Seahawks were able to get consistent pressure on defense, which has been the biggest bugaboo this year. 6 sacks, 10 tackles for loss. More importantly, the run defense looked much better. Arizona running backs only netted 44 yards on 18 carries. Granted, Kyler Murray had 100 yards on 10 carries, but one of them was a 42-yard scramble. At this point, even that is an improvement over the consistent gashing teams have exposed us to.

I’ll say it, that was an impressive defensive performance! We’ll have to see how well that carries over; we go on the road to play the high-flying Chargers offense next week, so I’m dubious about us fixing all of our problems in one week’s time.

I’m less-thrilled with the Geno Smith performance. 20/31 for 197 yards. We were 4/15 on third/fourth downs. That’s two weeks in a row of subpar work on the most crucial of downs. The Chargers are no slouch on defense – with lots of quality stars on that side of the ball – so consider next week another big test.

I can’t imagine the Seahawks prevail. I think we’re actually in for a pretty big stinker. I’m thinking something like 34-17 Chargers.

The Seahawks’ Defense Is Fundamentally Broken

I think it’s safe to say the Seahawks aren’t actually good. But, I think you can also make the argument that the Seahawks aren’t bad either. 7-10 here we come.

One week after giving up 45 points to the Lions – a Lions team that was just shut out by the Patriots, even though they got their top receiver back – the Seahawks’ defense gave up 39 points to a Saints team missing Jameis Winston and Michael Thomas, in a 39-32 loss.

The offense was – once again – right there. Awesome job. Geno Smith was 16/25 for 268 with 3 TDs and 0 INTs. Kenneth Walker ran for 88 yards on 8 carries, including a 69 yard TD. Rashaad Penny – before breaking his leg and being lost for the season – ran for 54 yards on 8 carries of his own. Tyler Locket was 5 for 104 with 2 TDs, D.K. Metcalf was 5 for 88 with a TD. Just clicking, not quite on all cylinders (we were 1 of 10 on 3rd/4th downs), but pretty damn well. I will take 32 points every week if you’ll give ’em to me!

While I’ll say the Saints’ defense hasn’t been as good as expected coming into the season, they’re not God awful like ours. It’s actually an accomplishment to drop 32 points on them.

It’s legitimately alarming how terrible our defense is, though. You know what I’m sick of hearing about? Every single year, we go into the draft and the biggest need is “pass rusher”. Every single fucking year. It’s obscene! Just figure it the fuck out! Figure out a scheme that works, figure out the personnel you need to fit in the scheme, and figure out how to adjust on gamedays to get at the fucking quarterback! It can’t be as hard as we’re making it out to be! We shouldn’t have to have a Top 3 draft pick just to find a fucking pass rusher! Other teams find them all the damn time! What the fuck?!

But, that’s not even the half of it, because now we can’t stop the run either. Poona Ford and Bryan Mone are useless in this 3-4 defense. The linebackers are even less than useless, they’re actively sabotaging our success. The cornerbacks are weak and can’t tackle bigger runners. At some point, you have to question the heart and effort of this team, so I’ll do that here: I’m questioning the heart and effort of the Seattle Seahawks’ defense. You’re weak, you’re pathetic, and you need to do fucking better.

Can you believe what I thought about this team before the season started? It’s almost exactly the opposite to what they really are. I thought the defense would be good enough to keep us in (low scoring) games, and our offense might look good in spurts, but would ultimately be what held this team back. Quite the contrary! I did see Geno Smith take a couple sacks – and do a couple of roll-backward scramble drills – that he probably shouldn’t have. But, him in this scheme is better than I ever could’ve imagined in my wildest dreams. I’m still not ready to say I’m a believer, but he’s starting to do something to my brain. This is like finding out Santa Claus is legit real. This is like finding out space aliens are here and walking among us. This is the kind of stuff I’ve been conditioned to rule out as nonsense coming to life.

Geno Smith isn’t supposed to be this good. Yet, he’s playing so well, it’s breaking my brain. None of this computes.

It makes for entertaining, if low-stakes, football. I know this team isn’t good enough to compete for the division or even the playoffs, but they’re going to be in most games just based off of their offense (as long as they continue playing at this high level). Any sort of drop-off in offensive production better coincide with a drastic improvement in the defense, or it could get REAL ugly. “You Ain’t Got No Alibi” kind of ugly.

I don’t know what the rest of my week is going to look like, but I have to imagine it’s going to be Mariners-filled, so let’s get the next Seahawks preview out of the way now.

We return home to face the Cardinals. I can only describe the Cards as disappointing. They’re with us and the similarly-disappointing Rams as 2-3 teams, but I still see the Cards as the superior squad. I also see this as another potentially high scoring affair, so I’d look to pound the over if I were a betting man.

The Cards tend to get off to slow starts, then light the world on fire, so maybe bet the over on the second half for the Cards, and bet the over on the first half for the Seahawks. I dunno, get creative; there are lots of ways to make money on this game!

I’m seeing something in the realm of 34-24 Cardinals, with maybe the Seahawks holding a 14-6 lead in the first half. Then, the Cards just go to town in the second half. I don’t know who’s on there, other than Kyler Murray. He’s not a guy I’d want quarterbacking my team, but he can still rack up points with the best of ’em.

Nobody Wants To Hear About My Fantasy Team 2022: What A Stupid, Idiotic Game

It’s supposed to be fun, right? Fantasy football is supposed to be a fun, entertaining lark. A way to enhance the already-enjoyable experience of watching actual football every Sunday. But, what is it really? It’s something to obsess about, to stress over, to watch in horror and/or misery as – every week – your team lets you down in one way or another. And even if you’re fortunate enough to prevail, what does that get you? A brief, temporary reprieve from all the negativity? Whatever it is, it’s short-lived, because as early as Sunday night, you’re right back at it, looking at how you want to set your lineup for the next week!

Fantasy football is a waking nightmare from September until January. Why do we put ourselves through this?

Ostensibly, usually we do this with our friends, and it’s nice to have that connection. It’s nice to check in – even if it’s only once or twice a year – to say hello and bust balls and whatnot, during the draft and off-season meeting. But, the rest of the time? You’re actively ruining one another’s existence with the outcome of these games!

Suffice it to say, RoundTine (you know, like the old Seinfeld gag about Ovaltine … the mug is round, the jar is round …) did not have a good week. As expected, I got nothing out of my Cowboys running back (I went with Pollard over Zeke, but neither one was worth a damn). Unexpectedly, though, CeeDee Lamb is a total turd and decidedly NOT a number one receiver in this league. So, that’s great. I’m so happy the fantasy football know-it-alls have been pumping him up for the last two years. These fucking morons get it right MAYBE 50% of the time, and yet they can’t shit without telling you all the “great calls” they made. For every Gabe Davis, there are thousands of CeeDee Lambs, and we should call this kind of punditry what it really is: a total fucking crapshoot.

I was pretty happy with Gabe Davis, that might be the one fantasy football move I’ve made in this league over the last five seasons that actually works out in my favor. But, he couldn’t possibly make up for all the dreadful decisions I’ve made. Mac Jones, for instance, did nothing. T.J. Hockenson did nothing. I got a pretty good game out of Jameis, but he’s hot one week and ice cold the next. I was able to pick up Baltimore’s defense, which was nice to have against a bumbling Jets team, but how many inept offenses will they go up against this year? And how long can I afford to hold two defenses, when I’m dealing with two injured running backs and only one IR spot to take advantage of?

It didn’t help that I was going up against a buzzsaw, who had a 70+ point lead over me heading into Monday night. Nearly 50 from Mahomes, 30 from Davante Adams, 20+ from Miami’s defense and Antonio Gibson. That’s just an impossible gauntlet to try to get through, especially for my team. I need opponents who have uncharacteristically bad weeks. This was someone who outscored his projected points by 12. Final score 171.50 to 129.10.

This week, I face Toot Cannons. Let’s see who I’ve got at my disposal:

  • Jameis Winston (QB) vs. TB
  • Mac Jones (QB) @ Pit
  • CeeDee Lamb (WR) vs. Cin
  • Diontae Johnson (WR) vs. NE
  • Javonte Williams (RB) vs. Hou
  • Ezekiel Elliott (RB) vs. Cin
  • T.J. Hockenson (TE) vs. Was
  • Gabe Davis (WR) vs. Ten
  • Evan McPherson (K) @ Dal
  • L.A. Rams (DEF) vs. Atl

I didn’t put in any waiver claims this week. No one really jumped out at me. So, for what it’s worth, I’m up to 5th in waiver priority. We’ll see how high I can get, or what that will ultimately net me.

I did make a free agent pick up. Quarterback Davis Mills in exchange for the Baltimore defense. I’m rebuilding, it makes zero sense to hold onto multiple defenses. But, here we go. That brings me to 4 quarterbacks on my roster. I’m in this fucking quagmire for another season.

I opted for James and Mac based on matchups. I don’t love Jones going up against the Steelers on the road, but who are my alternatives? Fields on the road against a great Packers defense? Mills on the road against a great and pissed off Broncos defense? I might still switch out this spot 40 times between now and Sunday, but for now that’s my rationale. Just go with Yahoo’s expected points, who has Jones a fraction ahead of Fields (who are both a good 5 points ahead of Mills).

I opted to bench D.K. because I think the Seahawks are going to have a LONG day offensively against the 49ers on the road. I was pretty happy with Javonte Williams for the Broncos and think he’ll be a Must Start as long as he’s healthy. I went back to Zeke in hopes that the Cowboys go run-heavy without Dak; maybe he’ll get me a TD for my trouble. Not a lot of alternatives on my roster; Kenneth Walker might return this week, but he’ll be decidedly behind Penny for quite some time, methinks.

Here’s Toot Cannons:

  • Kyler Murray (QB) @ LV
  • Tua Tagovailoa (QB) @ Bal
  • Tee Higgins (WR) @ Dal
  • Justin Jefferson (WR) @ Phi
  • Najee Harris (RB) vs. NE
  • Saquon Barkley (RB) vs. Car
  • Darren Waller (TE) vs. Ari
  • Mike Williams (WR) @ KC
  • Harrison Butker (K) vs. LAC
  • San Francisco (DEF) vs. Sea

He’s got some injury issues already; we’ll see if Higgins or Harris play. Also, his kicker might be out? Will that be worth rostering a second kicker for a week? As always, though, he’s got plenty on his bench to make up for it. Michael Carter for the Jets and Rashod Bateman for the Ravens are both steps down, but should be more than enough to get the job done against my pathetic team.

Toot Cannons is really looking to make a comeback this year, with a rejuvenated Barkley kicking ass and taking names. Jefferson and Murray are both point-hogs. Waller should have a better week against some shaky linebackers on the Cards. Mike Williams looks to ascend to the team’s #1 receiver role with Keenan Allen potentially out this Thursday. Even Tua looks decent with all those weapons around him!

Toot Cannons could defeat RoundTine with one hand tied behind his back. Here we go.

How Long Will It Take The Seahawks To Find Their Franchise Quarterback?

19 of the 32 NFL head coaches were hired in 2020 or later. That gives you some idea of the kind of turnover we’re talking about in the league. It also gives you a little bit of an idea of how many well-run franchises are out there. The teams with head coaches hired since 2020 by and large haven’t been very good. There are exceptions, of course; Tampa and New Orleans had legit guys either retire or take a year off. But, for the most part, when you think of the worst-run franchises in the NFL – the Giants, Jets, Texans, Jags, Bears, Lions, Commanders, Browns – and even the mediocre franchises – Panthers, Cowboys, Falcons, Dolphins, Eagles, Vikings, Raiders, Chargers – they’re all on this list.

I would say the best-run orgs with new head coaches are the Broncos, Saints, and Bucs. The Broncos just made a huge move to bring in Russell Wilson. The Saints are on year two of trying to replace Drew Brees. And we’re well aware of the Bucs and how they’ve done with Tom Brady.

It’s no coincidence that to win in the NFL – and therefore to be considered a well-run organization – you need a quality quarterback. But, even that doesn’t guarantee anything. Do we think the Bengals are a well-run organization? Of course not. But, they lucked into Joe Burrow, who seems to be a generational talent. Do we think the Cardinals are well-run? No way! But, they’re saddled with Kyler Murray through a second contract, and we’ll get to watch them fail to make a Super Bowl for many years to come. The Titans and Colts have won a lot of games in recent years, but I don’t think either franchise is super thrilled with their quarterback situations.

What I’m trying to get at here is the Chicken/Egg question: are well-run organizations more prone to finding quality franchise quarterbacks? Or, is it the quality franchise quarterback that makes an organization appear to be well-run?

What makes it tricky is the fact that head coaches don’t usually get opportunities to stick around through multiple quarterback changes. Either the coach finds his quarterback, and they make a pact to run it back for a long time, or the coach is brought in after the quarterback is already in place – maybe having underachieved during a prior head coach – and they make a pact to run it back for a long time. But, very rarely – especially in today’s game – do you bring in a coach, and he sticks around beyond the one main guy.

Bill Belichick, obviously, went from Drew Bledsoe to Tom Brady to Mac Jones (we’ll see on how good Jones ends up being). If Mac Jones pans out, I think that speaks very highly of Belichick and the organization as a whole being an environment that’s able to foster quarterback development. But, he’s also the greatest head coach of all time, so what are we talking about here? He’s a one of one. If anyone can do something like that, it’s him.

The Steelers will be an excellent case study, because Mike Tomlin is the second-longest tenured head coach in football, and as a whole they are considered to be probably a top five organization. They’re moving on from Ben Roethlisberger for the first time since Tomlin has been there. If they can turn Kenny Pickett into a star – especially when he wasn’t graded out super-high in this poor overall draft class for quarterbacks – then that’s another notch in the belt of Organization being more important than simply finding a fluke of a quarterback in the lottery that is the NFL Draft.

The Ravens succeeded pretty well in transitioning from Joe Flacco to Lamar Jackson (and even Tyler Huntley balled out in limited duty); the fact that they’ve won as much as they have speaks volumes. The Chiefs obviously hit the aforementioned lottery with Patrick Mahomes, but would he be the consensus #1 quarterback alive without Andy Reid’s system? The Rams certainly took it to another level when they brought Matthew Stafford into the fold, but they were winning at a tremendous clip with Jared Goff of all people. The 49ers have been pretty injury-prone under Shanahan, but he’s definitely built up a solid overall roster, and if Trey Lance hits, I think that’s another feather in his cap.

Clearly, this is all preamble before I talk about the Seahawks. I would put the Seahawks up there – at least in the top 10, if not the top 5 – in well-run organizations. But, maybe that’s mistaken. Maybe that’s the homer in me. After all, we’re talking about the VAST majority of our success coming in years where Russell Wilson was the starting quarterback. Clearly, we fared a lot better when we had a bomb-ass team around him – a bomb-ass team built through Pete Carroll and this organization – but even when the team around him faltered, Russell Wilson kept things afloat, almost by himself.

Before Russell Wilson, it was two years of rebuilding, with mediocre quarterback play (though, to be fair, I don’t know if even Russ could’ve won with the collection of “talent” we had in 2010 and 2011). Now, in 2022, it’ll be just the third season without Wilson at the helm for Pete Carroll & Co.

One thing’s for sure: I don’t believe our next franchise quarterback is on the roster at the moment. Geno Smith is a mediocre quarterback at best, Drew Lock might be even worse, and Jacob Eason seems to be destined for the XFL or USFL or working at a car dealership. Best case scenario, 2022 will be a rebuilding year akin to 2011. If everything goes right and we’re able to build up the roster around the quarterback position, maybe we luck into that franchise guy in 2023 and beyond.

Assuming we don’t trade for Jimmy G – who I would not place in that franchise quarterback bucket, especially since now we’re talking about not one but two teams who’ve given up on him – then we’re talking about 2023 at the earliest. But, even if we’re bad this year – which most people agree that we’ll be in the bottom 10, and maybe bottom 5 – that’s no guarantee that the guy we draft next year will be The Next Russell Wilson, or The Next Fill-In-The-Blank.

Think about all of those teams who’ve hired a new head coach since 2020. You don’t think they tried repeatedly to draft their franchise guy? For some of those organizations, that’s all they ever do! The Bears are STILL trying to find The Next Sid Luckman!

But, I also believe there’s something to the notion that better teams – with a solid foundation in place, both in coaching, as well as personnel – are better able to find those franchise guys, just as they’re better able to win with perhaps sub-par guys (see: the Titans). We’ll find out how true that is with the Seahawks, when they presumably draft a quarterback next year in one of the first three rounds (almost certainly in the first round, but you never know). I think that’ll give us a pretty good sense of what we’re dealing with here. There’s a good contingent of Pete Carroll haters out there – or, at least, Pete Carroll doubters – and I think they’re all of the same mind, that this team needs a breath of fresh air before we go out and find the next quarterback. I disagree. I want Pete Carroll here during these uncertain times. Why? Because he led us out of the wilderness during the LAST period of uncertainty.

Growing up, the Seahawks went from being a relatively well-run organization – through at least the early portion of the Chuck Knox era – to without question the worst-run organization. We were a laughingstock in the late 80s and early 90s. Really, it wasn’t until we hired Mike Holmgren before things turned around. He built us into winners. I don’t think that’s a coincidence, just as I don’t think it’s a coincidence that Pete Carroll was able to do what he did in the last decade. Winners find a way to win. They attract other winners.

Obviously, it’s fair to question whether or not the game has passed Carroll by. I think that’s the argument for a lot of the doubters. We’ll see. I think he’ll get through this year no matter what our record is. Then, I think he’ll get 2023 to see if we can turn things around and start looking competitive again. If we fade in 2023, then I highly doubt he’ll have 2024 or beyond to do anything.

The next two years will say a lot about the question of Organization vs. Quarterback. Can we find and develop the next franchise guy? Can we win with just an okay guy? If not, then there’s no way this doesn’t get blown up by 2024. And if THAT comes to fruition, then who the fuck knows how long it’ll take to find our next franchise quarterback? We could be talking decades!

2024, not so coincidentally, will also likely coincide with the Seahawks potentially being sold to a new ownership group. That’s something else to keep in mind. Maybe that’s a reason to keep Carroll an extra year or two, to make the transition. But, all that uncertainty might make a clean break ideal for all parties, especially if the Seahawks are bottom-dwellers over the next couple seasons.

Nobody Wants To Hear About My Fantasy Team 2021: Mac & Me

I’m in a little text thread with two of the other guys slated to play in the Consolation Bracket this season. They’re both pretty disgruntled with the new Dynasty format, and have been since the very beginning. I turned out to be one of the swing votes, in that in the past I had always voted against hard change in the league. But, after slowly building things to where we went – to four keepers per year – it finally felt like it was time to make good on a long-ago dream. If you weren’t in a Dynasty League mindset by now, you were never going to get there. I got there, and I’m all in.

I love the Dynasty League! And I’m in absolute last place, with no real hope of climbing out before the end of the season. Spoiler alert: Snoopy & Prickly Pete lost to Toot Cannons 191.85 to 164.35; meanwhile, Korky Butchek won his matchup against The Lance Petemans (the two I referenced in the above text chain) to all but guarantee his avoidance of the Toilet Trophy. Oddly enough, had I won, there would’ve been a three-way tie at the bottom (all 4-9 records) with Korky and my upcoming opponent, Sloane N Steady, which would’ve created a legitimate Toilet Bowl scenario, where – depending on the outcomes – any of the three of us could’ve taken the trophy. As it is, I think it’s mine for sure.

Anyway, my point is, as the worst team in the league, I have the most right to be disgruntled with the new format, but I’m all in. Because I’ve spent the last few years cultivating this mindset. Patience. Playing for the future. Acquiring future keepers either via free agency or trades. It helps that Javonte Williams has gone off the last two weeks (including scoring 29.8 points this past week, when he was given full starter’s reps), shoring up one of my running back spots. I feel like I’m ALMOST there. It’s not a perfect team, that’s obvious. It might not even be a good team next year. But, I should see improvement. I should avoid last place at the very least! Between what I’ve done this year, and how I set my team up going forward with the next year’s draft, there could be a nice little shake-up! We’ll see.

The key to it all is, was, and always has been finding at least one viable quarterback in 2021. Ideally two. But, one for sure. Granted, this is something I’ve been looking for since I can’t even remember anymore. Forever, probably. I thought I had something good with a rookie Carson Wentz. I lost my mind last year when I was able to nab Tua off free agency before he was handed the starter’s job. But, I’ve always kind of half-assed it. I was trying to have it both ways, develop an elite quarterback of the future, while trying to also win. I succeeded in doing neither. This year, it’s been all about the QB position. I’ve had up to six QBs on my roster at any given moment; right now, I have four, including Jordan Love as a lottery ticket. Love is my option if no one else asserts themselves in the next few weeks (or in offseason workouts).

I think I have the one, though. Mac Jones. There’s a lot to like there. He’s in a good system, with a good coaching staff. He’s got good players around him. He’s careful with the football. He’s got some skills and put up some nice fantasy numbers as a rookie. He looks like, at the moment, the best quarterback of this rookie class. We’ll see if that translates to future fantasy success, but he’s the best quarterback I’ve got at the moment.

Well, technically Taylor Heinicke has the most fantasy points on the year, but that’s as underwhelming of a dynasty quarterback as you can get. With that noodle arm? He’d have to be the next Peyton Manning, and I don’t think he is. For me, it’s down to either Justin Fields or Jordan Love as my second QB option heading into next year, but I’m pretty well convinced that I will need to address this position again in the draft next year.

But, I can’t throw away a second season trying to chase down the quarterback position. I need to figure it out next year. Which means I need to be right on Mac Jones. If I have him already in place, then I’m in pretty good shape. There’s hope that he’ll take a step forward in his second season, and then we’ll be off and running.

Unfortunately, I needed him this past week, and he failed to deliver. As noted, Toot Cannons came to play. The return of Kyler Murray buried me in a pretty deep hole. But, Diontae Johnson put up 30.5 to go with Williams’ high score, and the rest of my team did just enough to get me to within 28 points of winning. I had Mac Jones going against Buffalo on Monday Night Football. 28 points isn’t outlandish! An elite quarterback should be able to give you that in a pinch. Of course, Mac Jones has only reached that lofty target a few times this year, so we really needed him to give it all he had. It turns out, I got next-to-nothing from him, as the Patriots threw the ball only three times in their 14-10 victory over the Bills. Mac Jones had zero turnovers and was healthy for the entire game, yet he came away with 0.65 points. That’s not inspiring a ton of confidence heading into next year. (of course, the weather was a mess, with wind gusts up to 55 mph, but that’s neither here nor there).

This is it, the last week of the regular season. I’m 3-10, going up against the 4-9 Sloane N Steady. I would need to win, have Korky Butchek lose to Beasts, and outscore Korky by 59.02 points to avoid the Toilet Trophy. It ain’t happening. You hate to see it. Here’s my team:

  • Taylor Heinicke (QB) vs. DAL
  • Justin Fields (QB) @ GB
  • CeeDee Lamb (WR) @ WAS
  • Diontae Johnson (WR) @ MIN
  • Javonte Williams (RB) vs. DET
  • Alexander Mattison (RB) vs. PIT
  • TBD (TE)
  • D.K. Metcalf (WR) @ HOU
  • Ryan Succup (K) vs. BUF
  • L.A. Rams (DEF) @ ARI

Mac Jones is on a BYE, as is tight end Mike Gesicki. I’m going to try to pick up another tight end to keep on my roster the rest of the season, but we’ll see how it goes. At some point, I’m going to have a roster decision to make, because I can only abuse the IR slot so much. Right now, Jordan Love is on COVID IR, which should only work for a day or two (since he’s truly vaccinated and not just immunized). I’ve been trying to shore up my running back position heading into this offseason, but I’d like to keep some options open depending on what happens going into next year. I’ve got some choice backups on my roster I’d love to hold onto, but my team is just too damn healthy at the moment! I might end up dropping a kicker for a little bit until things get less hairy.

Here’s what Sloane N Steady has to work with (he’s another future Consolation Bracket foe I might have to contend with again in the near future):

  • Derek Carr (QB) @ KC
  • Aaron Rodgers (QB) vs. CHI
  • Mike Evans (WR) vs. BUF
  • Chase Claypool (WR) @ MIN
  • Nick Chubb (RB) vs. BAL
  • Darrel Williams (RB) vs. LV
  • Kyle Pitts (TE) @ CAR
  • Mark Ingram (RB) @ NYJ
  • TBD (K)
  • TBD (DEF)

My boy got swallowed up pretty good with the BYEs this week. He’s gonna have to make some moves to fill out his roster; I’m sure there will be ample opportunities out there for him. He also has a number of players that I’m going with in other leagues, so I would love for those guys to play really well (you know who you are).

Splinter League Round-Up!

BUCK FUTTER had the week all wrapped up before Monday, so we didn’t need Mac Jones to do anything (thank Christ!). The win leapfrogged me over Eddie’s team, into second place at 9-4. I’m one game behind Beer Thirty at 10-3, with two weeks to go. I’m not locked into a playoff spot yet, but with one more win I’m all but guaranteed. I have the second-most points in the league (50 behind Beer Thirty), which is appropriate. I just need to not fall apart over the next two games and I should be all right! Then, it’s playoff time, and we let the chips fall where they may. Shout out to Chris Godwin, Matthew Stafford, and the Indy defense for really carrying me last week!

Nobody Wants To Hear About My Fantasy Team 2021: Staving Off Elimination

It’s not over, but Snoopy & Prickly Pete avoided a guaranteed last place finish by eking one out over Korky Butchek in the Toilet Bowl, 126.15 to 125.10.

This one looked REALLY solid as I headed into Monday Night Football with over an 80% chance of winning. I was trailing by around 15 points, but Korky had no more guys going, while I had Taylor Heinicke and D.K. Metcalf. Each player by themselves was projected to outscore my deficit. But, there I was, needing 4 points with a quarter left to play. There I was, needing 2.5 points with four minutes left to play. There I was, with a touchdown pass by Heinicke that was overturned with just over two minutes to go! And, there I was, right after that, needing just one catch for two yards out of D.K. Metcalf on the Seahawks’ final drive of the game. To that point, he had zero catches for zero yards on, I believe, just one target (he had zero targets heading into the second half, which is batshit crazy to me).

Thankfully, on that last drive, Metcalf had 1 reception for 13 yards, which was plenty for me to work with, even with Heinicke losing a rushing yard on the kneel down to end the game.

Clearly, with my team’s output, there wasn’t a lot to celebrate this past week. However, Javonte Williams – in my first game with him since the trade – put up 20.1 points, which is VERY encouraging. Even moreso, Mac Jones put up 28.6 to lead the way for my team. The move of the week – that won it for me – was picking up Houston’s defense. They only scored 12 points, but the Rams only scored 1 for my bench; it’s about time a move like that paid dividends.

It’s good too, because Korky’s kicker obnoxiously put up 21 points. Losing because an opposing kicker scores 21 is reason enough to never want kickers in the league; I’ve been fighting that losing battle for years, and I’ll continue to rage against the randomness of kicker scoring.

The victory puts me in a tie with Korky Butchek for last place, with a 3-9 record. However, he’s got a 50-point advantage over me. Which means either I need to keep pace with him record-wise – and outscore him by 50 points in the process – or I need to beat him by a game somewhere in the final two weeks of the regular season.

So, you’re tellin’ me there’s a chance!

This week, I go up against Toot Cannons; here’s who I’m looking to go with:

  • Mac Jones (QB) @ BUF
  • Taylor Heinicke (QB) @ LV
  • CeeDee Lamb (WR) @ NO
  • Diontae Johnson (WR) vs. BAL
  • Javonte Williams (RB) @ KC
  • Alexander Mattison (RB) @ DET
  • Mike Gesicki (TE) vs. NYG
  • D.K. Metcalf (WR) vs. SF
  • Ryan Succop (K) @ ATL
  • L.A. Rams (DEF) vs. JAX

Big news this week, as Dalvin Cook is injured and figures to miss a couple games. Mattison has been riding my bench ever since it looked like Cook might get suspended for domestic violence, and I’ve seen no reason to give up on that because Mattison is easily the most valuable backup running back in football. It’s for weeks like these where you want to have him. Against the Lions, he should feast. I’m benching Ezekiel Elliott this week because there’s been chatter of the Cowboys resting him. Even if he plays, though, the Saints have one of the best rush defenses in football. I could see him being more decoy than actual offensive asset; we’ll see if my gamble pays off. I’m kind of all in on Williams at this point, plus I absolutely HAVE to believe D.K. is in for a big game at some point. My dynasty kind of depends on it.

Toot Cannons has an extremely strong team, as you’ll see below:

  • Carson Wentz (QB) @ HOU
  • Kyler Murray (QB) @ CHI
  • Justin Jefferson (WR) @ DET
  • Mike Williams (WR) @ CIN
  • Najee Harris (RB) vs. BAL
  • Saquon Barkley (RB) @ MIA
  • Dallas Goedert (TE) @ NYJ
  • Tee Higgins (WR) vs. LAC
  • Harrison Butker (K) vs. DEN
  • San Francisco (DEF) @ SEA

He’s also got Tua, who has looked halfway competent at times! Certainly better than most of the QBs on my roster. And, he’s got Myles Gaskin as insurance off his bench. It’s going to be a tall order; Toot Cannons is 7-5 and has weathered the storm of the Murray injury over the last month. He looks to be in great shape to make a playoff run. Meanwhile, I’m fighting for my life to avoid last place.

In the spirit of Scoreboard Watching, Korky Butchek will be going up against The Lance Petemans this week. Lance is 5-7 and on the outside-looking-in on a playoff spot in seventh place. He has something to play for, so I’m hoping he’s up to the challenge of keeping me alive for Not Last Place.

Splinter League Round-Up!

BUCK FUTTER had an unimpressive victory over Chubby Dumplings to keep my hold on third place. More importantly, we knocked Chubby to a game back in the standings. The first place team also lost, which means I’m now just a game back of the top spot, all with three weeks to go. Next week, I get to play that erstwhile first place team (who fell to second, based on total points scored) for a chance to leapfrog him and try to cement my spot in the 4-team playoffs. I’ll have to do it without Aaron Rodgers, who has really been carrying me this year; thankfully, I was on top of stashing Mattison in all my leagues, so he should provide a boost for three teams I know and care about!

Leaving The Seahawks For Dead

I know the Seahawks aren’t officially eliminated from playoff contention yet, but it’s only a matter of time. The writing has been on the wall since the second week of the season, but when you melt down like the Seahawks melted down yesterday, there’s no coming back. Even if the Seahawks did manage to run the table, what would be the point? To stick it to the Jets? Haven’t they suffered enough?

The Arizona Cardinals went into this game with no DeAndre Hopkins; we knew that well ahead of time. They also went into this game with no Kyler Murray; we heard about this either the night before or the morning of. Colt McCoy got the start, and much like last year – when he came into Seattle as a member of the New York Football Giants and somehow emerged victorious – he once again decimated our season. If you’ll recall, at season’s end we were one game out of the top spot in the NFC; had we beaten the Giants, we would’ve been in a vastly superior position over merely hosting in the wild card round and losing at home to the Rams.

This year, Colt McCoy & Co. dropped us to 3-7. It’s like when Travis Coates shot a rabid Old Yeller out behind the barn, but if Old Yeller was a dick to everyone the entire movie. No one is mourning the death of this Seahawks season; this team hasn’t been fun to watch for years, and this is the LEAST-fun version of all of these mediocre Seahawks teams.

You know whose schtick gets really old and tired when he’s not pulling games out of his ass and carrying the team on his back? Russell Wilson. I’m ready for him to go somewhere else. It’s clear he doesn’t give a shit and doesn’t want to be here.

All the old, dead weight needs to be dropped as well. That means getting rid of Chris Carson, Alex Collins, and Rashaad Penny. Carson is already out for the year with an upcoming neck surgery, and has probably played his final down of football (because the last thing anyone wants to do is take a chance on permanently injuring their neck, especially when they play a position that gets hit as often as running back does). Trash-aad Penny had an opening run of 18 yards, immediately got injured, had a run of 1 yard in the second half, and never returned. He had the highest health grade of all running backs the year he was drafted.

Duane Brown sure looks like he’s done! I’m glad we didn’t bother to extend him. Gabe Jackson sure looks like a waste of money! I saw him fuck up on two critical plays where he couldn’t handle a simple defensive stunt; that’s all I need to see. The center position has been a continuous wasteland ever since we traded away Max Unger. And, the worst player I saw yesterday was Brandon Shell, who got repeatedly abused by Chandler Jones.

It’s hard to get too mad at the defense, as I thought they did their jobs for the most part. But, they couldn’t do anything when it mattered most (7 minutes left in the game, the Seahawks just scored to pull it to within 3 points; Arizona promptly drove 67 yards for a TD, taking 4:45 off the clock) and there are any number of guys who are overpaid and not performing to market rates.

I can’t wait to have most of these veterans out of my life, but there’s one thing I haven’t mentioned yet.

If we’re talking about doing a full tear-down and rebuild, you can’t ignore the coaching staff and front office. Since I referenced schtick getting old, I might as well talk about Pete Carroll here. Conventional wisdom indicates when you find a franchise quarterback, you do whatever it takes to make him happy and keep him for as long as his prime will last. Between that, and Carroll’s advanced age, it was fair to wonder if he wanted to endure another rebuild. But, at this point, I don’t think he has a choice. And in fact, I think the choice will be made for him as soon as the final game ends and Russell Wilson hands the team his updated list of teams he’ll accept a trade to. So, the next question to ask is: does Pete Carroll want to return? And, if so, will the team decide to keep him?

I’ll save the conversation around whether the team SHOULD bring him back or not for another time. Seeing how this team devolved over the last half decade, I think it’s fair for a lot of Seahawks fans to want a change from the top on down. But, Pete Carroll helped engineer the greatest rebuild in team history a decade ago; part of me is curious to see if he can do it again. Or, rather, what he would do this time around (because it’s unfair to expect him to helm a rebuild as epic as the last one).

The downside of keeping Carroll is we’re almost certainly going to keep the coaching staff around him. That means Ken Norton wouldn’t be going anywhere, even though he’s inept at his job. And, that means Shane Waldron getting another crack at it. A blind chimp should be able to take the talent we have with Russell Wilson at quarterback and average more than 19 points on offense. I think our initial suspicions were correct when we saw the Seahawks hire someone who had – time and time again – been passed over for promotions, by both his own team and the other teams who were looking to poach from the Rams.

Then, there’s John Schneider. He’s a guy who hasn’t had a quality draft since 2012. He’s a guy who has bungled a high percentage of high-profile trades. He’s punted on most first rounds of the draft, and when he hasn’t, he’s still failed spectacularly. I don’t know how you defend the guy anymore. Other teams win a lot, get saddled with lower draft picks, and still manage to find quality players to incorporate into their systems. Other teams don’t go through these endless periods where their fucking offensive line can’t block for shit.

I don’t know. Normally, when things get this bad, I take solace in looking forward to what changes can be made to improve things, but as I’ve mentioned nonstop, there’s nothing to look forward to with this team. The Jets own our first round pick (at this point, it’s the fifth overall pick … sigh). For some reason, we got back the Jets’ fourth rounder, but we traded away our sixth rounder to the Jags for Sidney Jones. We’ve managed to save a little bit of money, but who knows if there’s some panic deal to be made in free agency in the coming weeks. Nevertheless, that money appears to be earmarked to go towards future dead money (with all of the monkeying around with contracts this year, combined with the dead money from shedding this team of its underperforming veterans), but regardless it’s not like this team has problems free agency can solve.

This team needs to bottom out, and that’s what’s so miserable about being in this position: we’re 3-7, we have the fifth-worst record in the entire NFL, and we haven’t even reached rock bottom yet! It’s not like we’re going to magically improve with Russell Wilson gone next year and this team immersed in a full rebuild. Indeed, we’re probably going to contend for the worst overall record in that scenario, so we have another full year of this to look forward to, at least!

This feels like the early 90’s all over again. Buckle up, because it’s going to be a turbulent bandwagon for the foreseeable future.

The Seahawks Have A Lot Of Good Players, But Are Not A Good Team

You don’t need me to run down the list of Seahawks players you know and love. There are current and former Pro Bowlers up and down this roster. But, this is somehow a shit team.

It’s not even a chemistry thing, necessarily (though, I’m sure there are a lot of disgruntled people in that organization, thanks to this 1-2 start). I just think the collective of players aren’t conducive to winning a lot of football games. This certainly isn’t a championship squad!

I don’t know who deserves what percentage of the blame; I’m just going to start going through the entire Seahawks organization.

You have to start with Pete Carroll. He’s 70 years old, and he’s clinging to this quarterback and this roster as his final hurrah. Even though age is just a construct, and he’s as active and sharp as ever, all you hear about is how he doesn’t want to endure another rebuild. Maybe that’s just the blatherings of know-nothing NFL pundits, or maybe where there’s smoke there’s fire. Feels a little smoky to me. Which, if true, would lead to him making moves that aren’t necessarily in the best interests of this organization long-term. Like giving in to veterans in the final year of their respective deals, paying them extra and getting nothing in return. Has Pete Carroll lost the locker room? With Wilson’s media antics over the offseason, I think it’s fair to say that may be the case.

Let’s go to Russell Wilson next, because you’re looking at an empty start to this season for a guy who has the highest passer rating in the NFL. 895 yards (8th in the NFL), 10.4 yards per attempt (1st) and the aforementioned 133.6 passer rating, with 7 TDs and 0 INTs. But, you know what I see? I see someone padding out his stats. I see someone who is continuing to hunt exclusively for deep balls to get more highlights shown to the national audience. I see someone who has been in range of a Hail Mary opportunity for two consecutive weeks, yet checks down for a meaningless long gain as the clock expires to make his numbers look better, rather than chance throwing a meaningless interception. I understand that those are not high-percentage plays; almost certainly they would fall incomplete. But, what’s the harm in trying? The check-down is GUARANTEED to fail; at least there’s a small percentage chance of success. You’ve seen all the Aaron Rodgers throws; you saw Kyler Murray against the Bills last year.

I’m not saying I want Wilson to take crazy chances like he started to do at times last year; I’m just saying I want him to run the fucking offense he demanded all along. HE wanted us to bring in Shane Waldron. Shane Waldron has looked okay so far in calling plays. But, Wilson is going fucking rogue.

The offensive line was a disaster against the Vikings, I’ll give you that. But, when you see them struggle to protect, you know what you’re supposed to do? Start checking down and throwing quick (outside of Hail Mary situations, of course)! You don’t continue to try to launch deep balls! I put that squarely on Russell Wilson. Do you see how Tom Brady and Aaron Rodgers perform in the face of pressure like that? They can’t wait to get the ball out of their hands! Wilson, your biggest complaint this past offseason was getting hit too much; do you see AT ALL your part in this?!

The longer this season goes along, and the more the Seahawks continue to look like shit in entire halves of ballgames, the more I’m over Russell Wilson. Fuck it, man. He doesn’t want to be here; you can see it in the way he plays. If he doesn’t want to be here, I don’t want to be forced to watch a slowed-down version of a guy who refuses to get rid of the ball on time, and also can’t manage to scramble his way out of trouble.

Up next: Ken Norton needs to be fired. He needs to be unemployed, and he needs to get as far away from this Seahawks defense as possible. He’s not a defensive coordinator, period. If Pete Carroll wants someone to run the Pete Carroll defense, then Pete Carroll needs to fucking start calling the plays.

I’m very glad the Seahawks didn’t do anything crazy with Bobby Wagner’s deal to try to free up some more money, because there’s no reason to take on his $20 million cap hit next year. The only cause for concern is the fact that Pete Carroll will probably still be here, and he won’t want to move on. But, this team needs a rebuild from top to bottom, and one major renovation piece is to get rid of old, dead weight. We need to get young, fast, and hungry at linebacker. I don’t need Bobby Wagner preaching on a pulpit at his weekly press conferences talking about whatever book he just read; I need him to make some fucking impact plays on defense!

Use the money he’s due to shore up the secondary, because everyone back there can go as far as I’m concerned. Just make Jamal Adams a strongside linebacker already and get it over with! He can’t cover for shit! Quandre Diggs isn’t Earl Thomas; he’s more of a Right Place At The Right Time sort of impact player. The cornerbacks are atrocious; we need a full tear-down at that position (starting with Tre Flowers, this week).

I’m sick of this team, I guess is my point. I’m sick of watching a team struggle just to make it to the Wild Card Round every fucking year. We wasted our dynasty opportunity a decade ago, and the consequence has been late-round draft picks year after year after year. I’d rather this team just bottom out, except – of course – we traded away our first rounder next year to the fucking Jets!

Which means I’m stuck with this team. Fucking great.

The Seahawks are who we thought they were. They’ll probably beat the bad-to-mediocre teams (unless those teams happen to play killer defense), and they’ll probably lose to the good teams. If there are enough bad-to-mediocre teams on our schedule, then we’ll contend for a wild card spot. But, even if we get that far, we’re destined to lose early in the playoffs yet again, before we run it all back again next year for some reason.

God I hate sports.