The Seahawks Should Be 5-0 For The First Time Ever

In my pre-season predictions, I don’t think I could’ve been more off-base than I was about how good I thought the Vikings would be. I have no idea how I could’ve been so wrong! Well, other than the whole “doing zero research” thing, that might’ve played a part in it. But, it just seemed like they’d finally built the perfect Mike Zimmer-type team. They’ve arranged the offense around one of the best running backs in the game, Dalvin Cook. They have a quarterback who’s more than willing to buy into that scheme, while still being competent enough to hit on some play-action deep passes. They have a top receiver in Adam Thielen to be a security blanket, they have good tight ends for red zone production, and I really thought Stefon Diggs going to the Bills would be addition-by-subtraction (since he was clearly disgruntled in his tenure there). And, as a Mike Zimmer-coached team, they’ve ALWAYS had a good defense (on top of trading for that elite pass rusher from the Jags for practically nothing). With the foundation of a 10-6 wild card team from a season ago – combined with the fool’s gold that was the 2019 Packers season (with their unsustainable injury luck and easy schedule) – I thought this was a perfect opportunity for the Vikings to re-take the NFC North and coast to the Super Bowl.

Instead, it looks like they might be in the running for a Top 10 draft pick next year.

You have to start with the defense, which is truly dreadful. They’ve given up the fourth-most yards per game (fourth-most in passing, and ninth-most in rushing), as well as the seventh-most points per game. Now, you may be saying, “Okay, but the Seahawks are pretty bad in those categories too, and they’re still winning games!” True, but the Vikings don’t have Russell Wilson.

It’s easy to overrate Kirk Cousins, I think. He’s still the only guy who has totally bet on himself and successfully earned a 100% fully-guaranteed multi-year contract. That’s impressive! In hindsight, though, it seems like money poorly spent. I won’t get into all the numbers, but they’re bad. He’s 26th in passer rating, behind guys like Nick Mullens and Mitch Trubisky (a.k.a. guys who have been benched mid-game for their ineffectiveness). To my knowledge, Kirk Cousins has yet to be benched this year, which probably means the Vikings don’t have any better options. That’s a bad sign.

The one bright spot Vikings fans seem to be hanging their hats on is the running game. Dalvin Cook is as advertised. Of course, that’s going to run right into the part of the Seahawks defense that’s actually functioning at a high level this year (further bolstered by the signing of Damon “Snacks” Harrison), so … *Conceited Reaction Meme*

It’s hard not to make this a carbon copy of last week’s pre-Miami post. I mean, I guess the Vikings are slightly better than the Dolphins, but is that cause to worry? I don’t think Cousins is better than Fitzpatrick, so that’s something. The weapons around him might be better, but I think the Vikings’ defense is considerably worse.

It feels like the Seahawks have stumbled upon a defensive scheme that can work against most teams: hang back, don’t give up any deep plays, and wait for opposing quarterbacks to make mistakes. This is likelier to come up the more mediocre the quarterbacks are (obviously, the elite ones will just pick us apart, but we have to deal with those issues as they arise).

In a vacuum, I’d say the Seahawks’ offense should have an easier time scoring this week than they did in Miami. The Vikings are that bad, particularly in the secondary; they should be shredded accordingly. My biggest cause for worry, honestly, is the weather! It’s supposed to rain on Sunday – potentially leading to thunderstorms – and we’ve seen how this team has performed in that type of weather in the past. Not well! In that vacuum, with perfect weather, I could see the Seahawks putting up 50 points, with the over/under of 56.5 easily being eclipsed! But, in a torrential downpour, I wouldn’t be shocked to see the under hit and lead to big winnings for the Vegas sportsbooks.

This game really shouldn’t be close, but I fear it might be due to weather alone. Nevertheless, we’re witnessing two teams going in drastically different directions. The Vikings just aren’t in our league! On top of which, we’re looking at a primetime, nationally-televised game, and you know how the Seahawks love to perform in front of a huge audience! So, it’s really hard for me to see us losing this one.

My official prediction is 27-20 Seahawks. But, I’ll be curious to see if the offense can continue to beat expectations. While we’ve seen plenty of occasions where the Seahawks have struggled to move the football in crazy weather situations, we’ve never seen the Seahawks in those crazy weather situatons while employing a Russ who cooks!

This Guy Cooks …

We’ve got this game, then a BYE week, then we’re not in primetime again until mid-to-late November. Russell Wilson is in the driver’s seat as far as the MVP race is concerned, but you know he’s going to want to make a lasting impression as we head into this national exposure dry spell. So, while I won’t say I’m banking on a huge offensive explosion, it wouldn’t shock me if it still happened, and the Seahawks ended up putting this game to bed relatively early.

We really lucked out with how this has shaken out, all things considered. With the Dolphins and now the Vikings, it’s been a pretty soft landing to our BYE week. These extra weeks for our injured guys to rest will hopefully prove pivotal in allowing them to return well-rested and able to finish the bulk of the season on the field.

Nobody Wants To Hear About My Fantasy Team 2020: Literally Everyone Beats The Fucking Wiz

To Be Named By Casey was apparently … named by Casey between my last fantasy football column and this past weekend. To Be Named By Casey was the only 0-3 team in the league, and pretty safely had the lowest total points out of everyone. BUT, let me introduce you to Sausage Shaped Pest! Same guy, same collection of players, but he’s going up against Nobody Beats The Wiz, so OF COURSE he scores the second-most points in the league this past week.

Yes, I lost. I lost handily. 200.40 to 165.39. My score wasn’t great, but it was far from terrible; I would’ve beaten five teams in our league this week, so there was some good to come out of my suffering.

Odell Beckham Jr. put up 38.4 to lead the way. CeeDee Lamb rocked pretty hard with 26.24. Ezekiel Elliott put up a stout 20.50, and even Carson Wentz put up a respectable 23.35.

But, the lows were mighty low. For a second straight week, I started a quarterback who got benched midway through his game; in this case, Nick Mullens put up all of 6 points. That’s going to be hard to overcome for most teams, but particularly difficult for me when I had so many mediocre performances. Including Mullens, I had six guys get me 13 or less. Against someone who had six guys get 20 or more (including Joe Mixon, who looked like he might be too injured to play heading into this one, who dominated to the tune of 42.1 points), that’s just a recipe for disaster.

I didn’t have anything on my bench that would’ve put me over the top, either. Daniel Jones finished with an even 10 points, and it’s looking increasingly idiotic to have made him a keeper. A guy who has no offensive line, no quality weapons, a new offensive coordinator, and a fanbase that’s certainly riding his ASS every fucking day of his life, it can’t be fun to be Daniel Jones right now (on the plus side, he’s a millionaire quarterback in the NFL, in his 20’s, who can date probably anyone he wants, so in the grand scheme of things he’s doing all right).

At 1-3 on the season, I know it’s not technically over for me, but I’m already sort of eyeballing who my keepers might be for next year. I can’t envision a scenario where any of them are the quarterbacks I currently have on hand, but part of me doesn’t think I’ll ever be able to quit Carson Wentz for some masochistic reason.

In free agency news, my tight end – Noah Fant – got injured in his game on Thursday night, so I had to scramble to pick up someone to start for this upcoming week. That person is Jimmy Graham, an ex-Seahawk I hate more than life itself. I dropped that rookie receiver Justin Jefferson, which I’m sure I’ll live to regret.

On the plus side, I have Deebo Samuel back from his early-season IR stint. It sounds like they’re bringing him back slowly, but he could very well provide a boost for my struggling team. I won’t play him until Jimmy G is healthy again, but once he is, watch out! With A.J. Brown in the fold, that’ll be five receivers (with Darius Slayton being #5) that I won’t mind starting!

I’m banking on a strong second half to make my season relevant again. That’s going to require good health, and some positive regression from my uber-struggling QBs (and probably a lot of luck).

I would love to tell you about my OTHER fantasy football league, where I’m 3-1 and actually LIKE what my life has become (if only to show that I’m not completely and utterly bereft of fantasy football acumen), but this is a family fantasy football column, and I don’t think my X-rated MacGruber references are going to fly in the flyover states.

So instead, let’s look ahead to Week 5. I’m facing off against Sloane N Steady. Here’s what I’m thinking:

  • Carson Wentz (QB) @ PIT
  • Daniel Jones (QB) @ DAL
  • Darius Slayton (WR) @ DAL
  • CeeDee Lamb (WR) vs. NYG
  • Ezekiel Elliott (RB) vs. NYG
  • Clyde Edwards-Helaire (RB) vs. LV
  • Jimmy Graham (TE) vs. TB
  • Josh Jacobs (RB) @ KC
  • Harrison Butker (K) vs. LV
  • Indianapolis (DEF) @ CLE

Here’s the deal, am I potentially a fool for sitting ODB a week after he just exploded for 38.4 points? Probably. Am I over-thinking things as usual? 100%. But, recency bias is a bitch, and in fantasy football I fall for her charms more times than I like to admit. Guys go from hero to zero and vice versa all the time! I also don’t want Cleveland to do well because they’re going up against my defense (and, not for nothing, but Yahoo! tells me Indy gives up the 4th-fewest points to opposing receivers).

I’m playing a hunch here. I’m hoping the Cowboys/Giants game will be a huge shoot-out. Dallas has an elite offense, so I want as many of their guys (Lamb & Elliott) as possible. The Giants have a TERRIBLE defense. On top of which, Dallas has a bad record and will look to throw a pounding on the Giants to get right. On the flipside, I’m stuck with Daniel Jones because I literally have no other alternatives. But, Dallas’ defense is also pretty awful, so maybe this is also a get-right game for Jones? I sure hope so, and I sure hope he throws all of his touchdowns to Darius Slayton (who hasn’t had a game over 10 points since week 1, when he had 28.2).

So, since I’m counting on Cowboys/Giants being high-scoring, feel free to use that knowledge and bet the UNDER 54.5 total points, because this game being a low-scoring snoozer is all but guaranteed thanks to me.

I need to see Deebo Samuel and A.J. Brown play well – coming off of injuries – before I’ll be comfortable starting them. With Brown going up against the Bills (if that game even happens at all), I’m comfortable keeping him on my bench against their top-tier defense.

Sloane N Steady gets bitten a little bit by the BYE week, as he’ll be without MVP candidate Aaron Rodgers. His replacement is Nick Foles, which doesn’t inspire much confidence. Sloane N Steady also got hit by the injury stick, as Nick Chubb will miss some time. Here’s what his lineup is looking like:

  • Baker Mayfield (QB) vs. IND
  • Nick Foles (QB) vs. TB
  • Adam Thielen (WR) @ SEA
  • Amari Cooper (WR) vs. NYG
  • Dalvin Cook (RB) @ SEA
  • Jonathan Taylor (RB) @ CLE
  • Tyler Higbee (TE) @ WAS
  • Tyler Boyd (WR) @ BAL
  • Randy Bullock (K) @ BAL
  • Seattle (DEF) vs. MIN

I don’t love his quarterback matchups. His wide receiver matchups across the board are pretty elite (he’s even got Diontae Johnson going up against Philly’s decimated secondary, if he gets cold feet about Tyler Boyd). Even though Dalvin Cook is a stud, the Seahawks don’t give up many points to running backs. But, Cleveland’s defense sure does, so Taylor should make up for the loss of what Cook would normally bring. It’ll be interesting to see if Sloane N Steady continues to go with the Seahawks defense, since he has so many Vikings on his roster (and since the Seahawks are so iffy on that side of the ball).

Sloane N Steady is 4-0, the only undefeated team in our league, and has scored the third-most points. Nobody Beats The Wiz is 1-3, in ninth place, and has scored the second-fewest points. YOU KNOW, FOR SOME REASON I JUST DON’T THINK THIS WEEK IS GOING TO BE MY WEEK!

I’ve lost one game to someone who absolutely sucked, because I scored the fewest points in the league; and now I’ve lost two games to teams who’ve surpassed 200 points. The fantasy gods aren’t happy with me for some reason (which wouldn’t be a problem if any of the other gods thought enough of me to throw me a damn bone once in a while; I’m looking at you Lotto gods). Should I sacrifice a chicken? Pull out my old lucky rabbit’s foot? Suck it up because in the grand scheme of things I’ve got it pretty good right now, all things considered?

I can’t do that! Fantasy football is the bane of my existence! If it’s not making me miserable, then am I really alive?!

Nobody Wants To Hear About My Fantasy Team 2020: Some Nobody Did, In Fact, Beat The Wiz!

I honestly really don’t mind as much the weeks where there’s literally nothing I could’ve done to improve my chances. Nobody Beats The Wiz went up against a buzzsaw in the form of Korky Butchek. He got it started with a 30-point explosion last Thursday from his Jacksonville running back, and ultimately ran away with it partway through the morning games on Sunday. I lost 201.85 to 140.63, and none of my batshit tinkering mattered in the slightest.

In fact, one of my better tinkering moves in YEARS came in the form of picking up Indy’s defense, who got me 39 points; easily my best “player” of the week. I otherwise got good games out of Clyde Edwards-Helaire and Ezekiel Elliott, but they can’t all be abominations I suppose.

I’m not ready to call Daniel Jones a bust, but I’m FULLY prepared to rail against those idiots who are running the New York Football Giants. Why in the holiest of FUCKS would you put so much draft stock in your quarterback and running back – the two most important positions in your offensive attack – and not shore up the offensive line? I mean, ARE you stupid? I legitimately want to know, so I can avoid anything you have any part in from here to eternity!

Otherwise, I’m ready to move on to next week. The Mitch Trubisky Experiment was a collosal bust. Going up against Atlanta’s absurdly inept defense, he was so ineffective that the head coach pulled him in the third quarter (right before Nick Foles led the Bears on a massive comeback to win it late). Carson Wentz took a week off from being in my starting lineup, but I’m ready to kiss and make up. I can’t say he was impressive against the Bungles, but he did outscore my other two quarterbacks (as I figured he would, as soon as I benched him). At this point, I’m just hoping for mediocrity; I’ll settle for that after the disasters I’ve had to endure so far this season.

Now is the part of the column where we talk about my latest round of waiver claims and free agent pick-ups! Of course, I tried to get another quarterback, with Mitch Trubisky effectively fantasy poison. My claims for Ryan Fitzpatrick and Nick Foles were both thwarted, so I settled for 49ers backup Nick Mullens. If he plays this week, I’ll start him over Daniel Jones; if he’s not, then I guess I’m fucked, aren’t I? I did also put in a claim for Vikings first round receiver Justin Jefferson who had a big game last week. They need SOMEONE opposite Adam Thielen to step up in that offense, and he looks like the likeliest candidate. Considering the Vikings will frequently be losing in games, they will need to throw quite a bit, so there could be lots of targets and points on the table for me.

I ended up dropping the aforementioned Trubisky, as well as the Washington defense. I’ll be rolling with just the Colts for a while and see how that goes.

Nobody Beats The Wiz is facing off against To Be Named By Casey (who has apparently not gotten around to actually naming this team yet). It’s a battle of 1-2 vs. 0-3! Titans of the fantasy football industry! His team isn’t quite as bad as his 0-3 record might indicate, as he’s suffered a lot of injuries to his primary weapons (a lot of guys who figure to be back in his lineup just in time to face me; thanks fantasy gods!). Not for nothing, but I’m not so sure my team is as GOOD as my one win might indicate! We could be looking at a really long season. Here’s my lineup this week:

  • Carson Wentz (QB) @ SF
  • Daniel Jones (QB) @ LAR
  • Odell Beckham (WR) @ DAL
  • CeeDee Lamb (WR) vs. CLE
  • Ezekiel Elliott (RB) vs. CLE
  • Clyde Edwards-Helaire (RB) vs. NE
  • Noah Fant (TE) @ NYJ
  • Josh Jacobs (RB) vs. BUF
  • Harrison Butker (K) vs. NE
  • Indianapolis (DEF) @ CHI

Mullens I’ve already talked about; I’m all for putting him into my lineup if he’s starting this week. I have three non-IR receivers on my bench right now, but none of their matchups look particularly good. My team is what it is, I just need guys to perform. Here’s my opponent:

  • Kyler Murray (QB) @ CAR
  • Ryan Fitzpatrick (QB) vs. SEA
  • Mike Evans (WR) vs. LAC
  • Michael Thomas (WR) @ DET
  • Joe Mixon (RB) vs. JAX
  • Myles Gaskin (RB) vs. SEA
  • Mark Andrews (TE) @ WAS
  • Darren Waller (TE) vs. BUF
  • Robbie Gould (K) vs. PHI
  • Chicago (DEF) vs. IND

He also has Derek Carr at quarterback, but given their matchup against the Bills, it makes much more sense to play Fitzpatick against the hapless Seahawks defense. His receivers are elite; my only hope is Michael Thomas hasn’t fully returned from his ankle injury and he’s used more as a decoy. Mark Andrews had a bad game against the Chiefs on Monday Night, so look for him to score three touchdowns against Washington. The other flex spot could go to a number of guys, but I see Waller in there now, so figure he’s as good as anyone.

I have zero reason for confidence that Nobody Beats The Wiz can win this week or ever again! It’s grim, folks! I have three running backs I like and that’s about it! I mean, at some point you have to ask yourself when this failing fantasy franchise is going to fire its general manager (me) and find someone more competent to take over the job!

Not Winners & Losers Of The Seahawks’ Game Against The 49ers

Super fun win on Sunday at CenturyLink, as the Seahawks and 49ers were the first teams in NFL history to combine for a 43-16 score.  The Seahawks were favored by double-digits and this was one of those kinds of games where far too often you see us play down to the level of our competition and eke out an ugly win by 3 points, followed by everyone talking about how it doesn’t matter how pretty it was as long as a win is a win is a win is a blah blah blah.  Not this time.  After some predictable early-game struggles, we eventually went up 20-0 and didn’t look back.

What I’m Geeked Out About After Twelve Games

Russell Wilson, one more time.  11/17 for only 185 yards, but a whopping 4 TDs against 0 INTs.  Check out this season through three quarters:  2,716 yards (on pace for around 3,621), 8.33 yards per attempt (a career high by a fraction of a yard), 29 TDs (already his third-most in a season), 5 INTs, and a 115.5 passer rating (which would easily be a career high if he can keep it up).  There’s raw passing numbers, and there’s efficiency, and you’d be hard-pressed to find a guy who’s more efficient, either this season or over the course of a career.

Other Things That Caught My Eye (In A Good Way)

You can’t do what he’s doing without the offensive line playing the way they’ve been playing.  We’ve always said, “If Russell Wilson ever had time in the pocket, he’d be among the best in the game,” and this year is living proof.  There were a few too many penalties for my liking (some legit, some REALLY ticky-tack), but otherwise Wilson had a clean pocket most of the day, and when he was heavily pressured (like on that one ugly sack near the 49ers goalline), I would argue the receivers or running backs let him down by missing assignments.

The proof is also in the pudding in the run game.  A week after Carolina brought us down to Earth a little bit, we had a quietly explosive game against a pretty solid 49ers run defense:  168 yards on 29 carries (5.8 per attempt) and a TD.  Carson led the way with 69 (nice), but Penny had 65 of his own (including a nifty 20-yard TD scamper) on nearly half the attempts.

Defensively, I mean, Bobby Wagner should probably be the MVP of this one:  12 tackles, 1 sack, 2 QB hits, 2 passes defended, 1 simultaneous forced fumble/fumble recovery, and a 98-yard interception returned for a touchdown (the longest in franchise history … LOB WHO MOTHERFUCKERS???).  Best Middle Linebacker In Football Hands Down No Questions Asked Thank U Next.

Elsewhere, Justin Coleman had a monster game with 10 tackles and half a sack.  Austin Calitro was all over the place in the stead of K.J. Wright.  Poona Ford was a load in the middle.  Frank Clark was in Nick Mullens’ pocket all day.  For a unit that ended up giving up 452 yards of offense (mostly in garbage time), that was a helluva game.  I mean, largely due to their ineptitude, the 49ers ran 74 plays to Seattle’s 49, so the Seahawks’ defense had to contend with a modest time imbalance.  A lot of heart on that side of the ball to hold them to just 16 points.

Getting back to the offense, kudos to Jaron Brown for his 2 TDs.  Tyler Lockett had a 52-yard score and a massive kickoff return to start the third quarter (which immediately preceeded Penny’s touchdown).  And Doug Baldwin even got in on the action with a 1-yard score.  Fantastic all-around day by these guys.

Let’s Talk About Competitions

The youth is really starting to stand out, and it’s a good sign of things to come.  The Seahawks should have plenty of money to spread around this offseason, and they’ll have a lot of fun decisions to make.  Frank Clark needs to be extended; that has to be Priority #1.  I would argue Jarran Reed is Priority #2.  I think the aforementioned Calitro could be a great fit to slide into K.J.’s role alongside Wagner.  I do ultimately think the Seahawks will look at the secondary in this year’s draft, but it’s nice to see Thompson and Hill making strides as the season has progressed.  We talk all the time about Griffin and Flowers – and rightly so – but it’s nice to see the depth in this secondary start to approach prior glories.  It’ll never be as good as it was, but to come close is something special.

On the flipside, how smart was that decision to extend Lockett when we did?  Between him, getting Doug healthy again next year, with David Moore and Jaron Brown rounding out the group, we’re set at wide receiver.  We’re also set at running back with Carson as the lead dog and the emergence of Penny as a change-of-pace threat to break it at any time.  That speed and explosiveness is what we expected all along from the first rounder, so it’s nice to see it finally showing up in games.

There’s a lot of quality youth on this team.  If we can just keep the offensive line intact, 2019 could really be something special, assuming we can fill in some of the holes with free agency.

Other Things That Caught My Eye (In A Bad Way)

Obviously not a great day by the kicker.  Gladly, it didn’t come close to affecting the outcome; let’s just hope this is a random anomaly and he got all his bad kicks out in a laugher.

Ultimately, it looks like Carson’s finger injury won’t matter too much (though, you hate to see a guy prone to fumbling injure any part of his hands).  But, the hamstring injury to Fluker seems like a crusher.  He could be out for a few games, the rest of the regular season, or put on IR and lost entirely.  You hate to see something so serious happen towards the end of a game that’s been largely decided, so let’s hope for the best.

It’s Time To Believe In The Seahawks Again

Considering where I thought this team was headed at the beginning of the season, I couldn’t imagine a better scenario for the Seahawks than this.  6-5, the worst of our schedule behind us, in the driver’s seat for a wild card spot.  This week, we get the hapless 49ers at home; they should be push-overs.

This game would’ve been a lot more interesting before the 49ers were relegated to their third string quarterback.  You take the good with the bad though.  The good is we get what should be a walk-over victory; the bad is that what was once a Sunday Night game has reverted back to Sunday Afternoon.

It’s fine.  I mean, it would’ve been cool – coming off our dramatic victory in Carolina – to have the national eyes upon us.  But, we’ve got a Monday Night game in a couple weeks that should hopefully take care of that.

I don’t know a ton about the 49ers, but I know they stink.  Their defense has Richard Sherman … and that’s about it.  For what it’s worth – since this has been a topic of endless discussion this week – even if I was going to the game, and even if there was ample opportunity (with him being shown on the jumbotron or something), I wouldn’t bother booing Sherm.  I get all the reasons why people might, it’s just not for me.  Do I agree with how he handled things in his last couple years here?  Not really, but I don’t hold it against him either.  He gave everything he had to this team, and even when he was disgruntled, he still played his ass off on the field.  All that off-field stuff doesn’t matter to me if you prove it game-in and game-out.  As much as I find Jim Moore entertaining on the radio, I get how he could get under your skin in a press conference setting.

Sherm never forced his way off the team (though he may have wanted to leave a year or two earlier); he was all set to play out his contract, and it was the Seahawks who decided to move on.  Whether or not I agree with their decision is irrelevant.  While things have worked out for this team, can you imagine this defense with Richard Sherman on it?  Of course, by the same token, I guess we wouldn’t have Tre Flowers as involved in things.  Plus, I don’t even know at this point where the money we saved on Sherm went to with this team, but forget about it!  The point is, Sherm was loyal to this team until this team wasn’t loyal to him.  And when they cut him loose, he tried to find a division rival to stick it to us.  The 49ers were a team on the come-up, so of course that was a logical choice!

If it were me, I would’ve played it the exact same way.

Furthermore, I mean, how mad can you be at the guy who’s wasting away on a 2-9 squad?  Aside from him, the rest of that defense is GARBAGE.  Believe me, I’ve seen it.  It’s like if a Husky transferred to Wazzu.  My reaction is, “Aww, that’s sweet.  Have fun in mediocrity!”  But, to boo the man?  That’s like kicking him when he’s down.

Now, if he had joined the Rams, and was set to play in a Super Bowl without us, I might be singing a different tune.  But, here we are.

Anyway, getting back to the Niners, like I said, they’re bad.  Nick Mullens is their QB and he threw me off the scent by being good against the Raiders in his first start, but since then he’s been as you would expect, even laying a total egg against the Bucs of all teams!  I can’t imagine he has his best game in the rowdy confines of CenturyLink Field.

The rest of the 49ers are pretty banged up across the board.  George Kittle is a stud, so he’s a guy to watch out for.  Their rushing situation is a little underrated; when healthy, Matt Breida is pretty solid.  But, in the end, I don’t think this team has what it takes to contend.  It would be a HUGE upset if they came in here and won.

I expect the Seahawks to do their thing.  Running on the 49ers shouldn’t be too much of a hassle, and as long as Wilson doesn’t try to take advantage of Sherm’s side too often, we shouldn’t have any trouble moving the ball.  I would expect something in the range of 33-13, as we all look ahead to the mighty showdown the following Monday.

Nobody Wants To Hear About My Fantasy Team: Week 12

I’m just a mess of a human being.  I went into Monday Night trailing TheGangUnderperforms by a score of 140.75 to 124.75.  I was absolutely ROLLING during the morning games on Sunday.  At one point, I was projected as a 90% favorite to win the week.  Sure, a few of my guys were doing okay, but my heavy hitters were yet to come, and more importantly HIS guys were shitting the bed!  Ben Roethlisberger was at negative points until late in that game against the Jags; Mariota ended his day with less than 2 points total.  Then, that same shit in the bed started hitting the fan.

Predictably, TheGangUnderperforms picked up a tight end to play in Gronk’s place before Sunday.  He ended up picking up Vance McDonald for the Steelers, who MIRACULOUSLY caught a touchdown.  Because of course he did.  He only did that because he was going up against my team!!!  That was double-touchdowns because, obviously, Roethlisberger was the one who threw it.  Things went downhill as the Steelers’ fortunes continued to soar.  Instead of handing off to James Conner at the goalline, Roethlisberger ran in the winning touchdown just to FUCKING spite me!

Anyway, unpredictably, TheGangUnderperforms snuck Doug Baldwin into his lineup before the Thursday game.  He benched Kenny Golladay, which was the good news, but still, Doug had easily his best fantasy game of the season – again – because he was going up against me.

So, there I was, Monday Night.  I had Tyreek Hill, Robert Woods, and a 16-point deficit; he had Kareem Hunt and the aforementioned lead.  It was the Chiefs at the Rams, easily the most hyped matchup in the history of regular season football.  This was a fantasy boon the likes of which we’ve never seen.  So many games were on the line!  So many high-scoring players were in the middle of the action!

And I couldn’t bring myself to watch one single second of it.  Literally the greatest offensive shootout in the history of the NFL – the first time two teams scored over 50 points in the same game – and I was hiding in my room, watching old reruns of The Monkees and Get Smart.

This is what Fantasy Football has brought me to!  It’s literally ruining my life!  But, in my crazy, fucked-up brain, I needed to NOT watch to win my fantasy game.  I went to bed not knowing the result – of either the Rams/Chiefs or TheGangUnderperforms/King Flippy Nips – and I woke up at 4am to immediately hop on my computer to check the results.

Sure, I was disappointed I didn’t see the Best Game Ever, but I won.  DAMMIT, I WON!  186.33 to 160.85!

Blessings to Tyreek Hill, who got me over 44 points.  Tidings of love and joy to Zeke Elliott who got me over 33.  Kudos to Dalton and Chicago for getting over 20.  And a bigtime FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU to Carson Wentz, who finished with -3.60, and single-handedly was the reason why I couldn’t bring myself to watch the game on Monday.  Had he done what he was supposed to, I would’ve had a comfortable lead heading into Monday, and my night would’ve been more enjoyable for it.

To think, a friend of mine on Saturday said he wasn’t sure if Carson Wentz would eventually turn into Drew Brees or Ryan Tannehill (to which I replied, “Oh, he’s WAY better than Ryan Tannehill!” … yeah, except Tannehill didn’t even play this weekend and would’ve gotten me more points).

Anyway, here I am.  5-6 in the standings.  I leapfrogged TheGangUnderperforms to get into 5th place.  I am still comfortably 3rd in total points, and still 2nd in total points against.  That’s the good news, if you can call it good news.

The bad news is I have 2 games to go, and I need help (in more ways than one).  Two of the bottom-feeders won last week in upsets.  That puts them both at 4-7.  Those two teams – as chance would have it – play one another THIS week, meaning one of them is guaranteed to be 5-7 heading into the final week of the regular season.  As you’ll see below, I’m going up against the #1 team (in record, #2 in total points by a large margin over me) and I’ll be projected to lose.  Assuming I do lose, that will drop me to 5-7 and in a tie with one of those bottom-dwelling teams.  In the final week of the regular season, my opponent is the #2 team (in record, #1 in total points by a large margin over me); I will be projected to lose that game as well.  The aforementioned bottom-feeders will have very winnable games that week, so I’m in a real pickle.  Without getting too much further into the weeds, I’ll need certain teams to lose a lot the rest of the way …

Or, I’m effectively in if I can just get an upset win in one of the next two weeks.

Yeah, I’m screwed.

Just one minor move this week.  I swapped Matt Prater out and brought in Matt Bryant.  I don’t love any offensive player going up against the Saints right now – as they’re just STEAMROLLING people left and right – but I think the Falcons will move the ball a little bit.  My big concern is that the Saints get up by such a big score that the Falcons will have to go for nothing but touchdowns all game.  I could’ve legitimately put a zero in my lineup this week; regardless, going forward I like Bryant and that Falcons offense more than Prater and the Lions right now.

Here’s this week’s lineup:

  • QB1 – Carson Wentz vs. NYG
  • QB2 – Jameis Winston vs. SF
  • WR1 – Adam Thielen vs. GB
  • WR2 – Tyler Boyd vs. CLE
  • RB1 – Ezekiel Elliott vs. WAS
  • RB2 – Adrian Peterson @ DAL
  • TE – Greg Olsen vs. SEA
  • FLEX – Chris Carson @ CAR
  • K – Matt Bryant @ NO
  • DEF – Chicago @ DET

My bench is:  Dalton, Carr, Hill (BYE), Woods (BYE), Brown (BYE), Bell (IR).

I like Andy Dalton at home against Cleveland – and I think it’s highly possible he goes off against them – but I also think the Browns’ defense is a little underrated, and they could force him to look a little mediocre.  I think with Winston (first of all, I need to get SOME sort of value out of that Le’Veon Bell trade, even if I’m shoe-horning it in this fashion), the Bucs have nothing to lose, so they’re going to let it rip.  I could see that game being super high scoring, because the Bucs’ defense is the worst in football, so as per usual they’re going to be throwing the ball a lot.  With Winston, you accept there are going to be turnovers.  The hope is that he’ll also rack up the TDs and yards to outweigh all the shittiness.  Also, who knows, maybe with his career on the line, he steps up and blows the league away.  Bottom line is the upside is higher with Winston over Dalton, while the floor is essentially the same (both of them could throw tons of picks and blow it for me).  Beyond that, with the BYEs what they are, my lineup choices are essentially made for me.

My opponent this week is Space Forcin’.  You may recall he’s the guy who kept Mahomes, Rivers, and Kamara from last year, so he’s obviously pretty fucking stacked.  You may also recall that at full strength, he beat my ass by almost 30 points back in Week 3.

Well, I’ve got some good news and some bad news.  The good news is Mahomes is on BYE this week.  The bad news is that his team is still really fucking stacked and I pretty much have no chance of winning.

I can only make an educated guess at this point as to who Space Forcin’ will put in his lineup, as everyone apparently likes to wait until the last minute to make a fucking decision:

  • QB1 – Philip Rivers vs. ARI
  • QB2 – Joe Flacco vs. OAK
  • WR1 – Davante Adams @ MIN
  • WR2 – JuJu Smith-Schuster @ DEN
  • RB1 – Alvin Kamara vs. ATL
  • RB2 – Marlon Mack vs. MIA
  • TE – George Kittle @ TB
  • FLEX – Aaron Jones @ MIN
  • K – Wil Lutz vs. ATL
  • DEF – Philadelphia vs. NYG

His bench is:  Mahomes (BYE), C.J. Beathard, Miami, Austin Hooper, Duke Johnson.

Joe Flacco against the Raiders would normally be as juicy of a matchup as you can get on a team this stacked.  But, his injury status is looking iffy.  I texted Space Forcin’ to try to get a sense of what his plan is.  Frankly, the QBs on the free agent scrap heap are nothing to write home about.  Tannehill is starting this week, so that rules out Osweiler.  Colt McCoy is probably the best bet of the bunch to at least get points, but someone with a higher waiver priority just made a claim on him.  He has Beathard now, but that’s probably a hail mary of an option, in the hopes that Nick Mullens goes down with injury or otherwise gets benched.  The only guy left in free agency is Taysom Hill, the backup for the Saints who runs a few gadget plays per game.

Could I have dropped Derek Carr this week, now that I’m holding 4 healthy quarterbacks on my roster?  I absolutely could have, but why should I help the best team in the league when I don’t have to?  He’s got enough.  Let me try to get mine.

As it stands, even with just 1 QB starting, he probably has more than enough to beat me.  Rivers is more than capable of shredding the Cards, Adams will be a focal point in a must-win game against the Vikings, Kamara might lead the league in non-quarterback points this week in a shootout against the Falcons, and so on and so forth.  Meanwhile, without Hill and Woods, the upside for my team takes a significant hit, as I’m forced to start both Chris Carson AND Adrian Peterson.  I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy!

I’m Predictably Very Confident In The Huskies Winning The Heart Of Dallas Bowl

Saturday, December 26th, 11:20am, on ESPN
Washington vs. Southern Mississippi

The Huskies are 6-6, coming off of a transition season that saw us breaking in true freshmen at both the quarterback and running back positions.

The Golden Eagles are 9-4, coming off of a defeat in the Conference USA championship game to the mighty Western Kentucky Hilltoppers (one word, Hill-toppers, mascot of mascots).

Right off the bat, you have to look at the broad differences:  conferences.  The Huskies are a bigtime Pac-12 school; the Golden Eagles play against teams like Louisiana Tech, Marshall, UTEP, Rice, North Texas, and Old Dominion.  So, who do you trust more?  A Pac-12 school that’s 6-6, or a Conference USA school that’s 9-4?

Next, let’s look at the non-conference schedules.  The Huskies didn’t exactly make it difficult on themselves:  a close loss to Boise State having a down year (breaking in a new quarterback of their own), and wins against the lowly Sacramento State and Utah State.  Not a lot to go on there, though playing close on the road against Boise is pretty good.  For the Golden Eagles, they lost on the road to Mississippi State, defeated Austin Peay (don’t know, don’t care to know), defeated Texas State (3-9 in the vaunted Sun Belt conference), then lost on the road to Nebraska, who ended up 5-7 and getting a cheap-o bowl berth.  You could say losing by 8 to the Cornhuskers on the road is pretty impressive, but you’d be wrong because Nebraska was up 22 going into the fourth quarter before a garbage points bonanza made it look respectable.

Southern Mississippi’s only really “impressive” win, if you want to call it that, is a victory over Louisiana Tech, as it was their ONLY victory over a Conference USA team with a winning record (having lost to both Marshall and the aforementioned Western Kentucky).  They had the easiest road to nine wins I think I’ve ever seen.

The Huskies, meanwhile, get to boast a meaningful road win against USC, a trouncing home win over the Wildcats, and they walked all over the erstwhile-ranked Cougars without their starting quarterback.  More importantly, the Huskies took care of business against the bad teams on their schedule.  Including the non-conference duds, the Huskies made Oregon State look like a Conference USA school.  Most importantly, the Huskies have some big-name talent on their roster, and no one is going to be taking this game lightly, considering most of the guys playing now haven’t won a bowl game (our last win coming in 2013, and considering all the turnover we’ve had the last couple years, might as well have been a decade ago).

When you play the matchup game, it looks like this one has the potential to be interesting.  The Southern Miss offense is 10th in the nation in yards per game, with 520; 12th in the nation in passing yards per game, with 327.9; and 41st in rushing yards per game with 191.9.  Junior Nick Mullens is 7th in the nation with 4,145 yards passing, so that’s something to keep in mind.

I guess it’s a good thing that the Huskies’ strength is their defense, 28th in the nation in yards per game.  Considering their quarterback doesn’t apparently have any rushing stats to speak of, I think it’s safe to say we’re not talking about a very mobile guy.  This should be right in our wheelhouse.

Southern Miss doesn’t look to be too terrible on defense, but again, I’d always be looking at their schedule.  I haven’t seen a bigger group of patsies since the Washington Generals came to town.

The only thing they really have going for them is they have a lot of upper classmen, so I suppose they’ve got experience on us.  Which sort of brings us back to the original question of who would you rather trust, a 6-6 Pac-12 team or a 9-4 Conference USA team; who would you rather trust, experienced nobodies, or athletically superior youngsters?

I’m putting my money on the Huskies, probably in a rout, with an outside chance of a close game.