Nobody Wants To Hear About My Fantasy Team 2021: Some Good & Bad In A Week 1 Win

Part of me feels like I had no business winning that first game; that’ll happen when you score the 4th (out of 5th) most points in victory (and when you score the 7th most points in total). There were only three teams I would’ve defeated, and I was lucky enough to have gone up against one of them.

But, as a seasoned fantasy football veteran, I know shit like this happens. And, at some point, my team is going to be held WAY under its expected total points, and I’m going to lose to a team that was Just Okay. The fantasy gods giveth, and the fantasy gods taketh away.

Snoopy & Prickly Pete defeated Car Talk With Josh Allen 161.88 to 123.35.

I woke up on Sunday to find that Trey Sermon was inactive. That had me scrambling to my computer to put Raheem Mostert into my lineup over Clyde Edwards-Helaire. When you roster Mostert, you know time is of the essence; there are precious few weeks in a season where he makes it through a game unscathed. In striking while the iron was hot, I figured what better opportunity to enjoy a completely-healthy Mostert?

It turns out, he was good for two carries before he injured his knee, sending him to the IR for the rest of the year.

I’m a pretty rational human being. I know, for instance, that I wasn’t the only person who was duped into starting Mostert this past week. I know I wasn’t the only person to make a last-second lineup change that backfired. But, I believe wholeheartedly that I’m the only person in the world who gets so consistently fucked over by these moves every single time. Either I make the switch, and it backfires, or I stick to my guns, and I leave points on my bench. EVERY. FUCKING. TIME.

In this case, it was hard to be too upset, because CEH only got 10.2 points – pretty much what I expected him to get against the Browns – but that’s not the point. The point is the potential of what Mostert represented, in a cupcake matchup against the Lions’ inept run defense. That was a 20+ point game in the making!

The fantasy gods, knowing they did me dirty, decided to help me out in this one. My opponent had Ryan Fitzpatrick going as one of his QBs; he made it all of 6 pass attempts before going down with an injury. That one probably hurt Car Talk more than it hurt me, but if Mostert would’ve had the monster day I was expecting, I think it might’ve been close.

Anyway, the highlight of my day was Jameis Winston throwing for 5 touchdowns and getting me 41.1 points. He REALLY carried me, though I had some good performances elsewhere. CeeDee Lamb got me 23.88, Jimmy G got me 19.9 (and had a TD pass stolen from him at the goalline by the backup, FML), D.K. Metcalf, A.J. Brown, and the Rams’ defense all got me in the teens.

Meanwhile, Car Talk had 25-point games out of Kelce and Mixon, but Josh Allen struggled in a tough matchup against the Steelers’ defense. On top of that, he had four guys NOT named Fitzpatrick who also got him under 10 points each (compared to just Elliott and Mostert for me).

Late last week, after Gus Edwards went down, I picked up Ty’Son Williams, dropping Zack Moss (who was another surprise inactive on gameday). Williams looks to be going up against Latavius Murray (who I also just picked up on waivers this week) for carries in that backfield; he had a solid game on Monday Night, but the splits were pretty even between the two. I’ll continue to monitor them, while still looking to shore up the position. In the meantime, Mostert lands in my IR spot.

This week, I go up against Hahmez Wah 360 Allstars. Here’s my projected lineup:

  • Jameis Winston (QB) @ CAR
  • Jimmy Garoppolo (QB) @ PHI
  • A.J. Brown (WR) @ SEA
  • D.K. Metcalf (WR) vs. TEN
  • Ezekiel Elliott (RB) @ LAC
  • Clyde Edwards-Helaire (RB) @ BAL
  • Noah Fant (TE) @ JAX
  • CeeDee Lamb (WR) @ LAC
  • Justin Tucker (K) vs. KC
  • L.A. Rams (DEF) @ IND

I have at least one friend in my league who thinks Winston might’ve been the best pick in the entire draft. After one week, who am I to argue?! But, I’d like to see it over a consistent basis before I crown my ass. Nevertheless, the Panthers’ defense looks like a pretty good landing spot for his second week. Jimmy G, I’m a little more concerned about. Maybe the Philly defense is better than we thought? Or Atlanta is just terrible? My alternative is Mac Jones at the Jets, which seems like a no-brainer. But, the Jets do have a pretty good D-Line, I’m told, and again it’s only his second game. My hunch is the 49ers will need to throw the ball more to put up points to keep up with the Eagles (especially if the 49ers’ defense is as bad as we saw in the second half against the Lions last week). I’m really just biding my time – and THOROUGHLY on the Bench Andy Dalton Bandwagon – until Justin Fields gets the starting job full time. Boy did he look good in limited action against the Bears!

Zeke is locked in at running back, and I fully expect him to have a much better game against the Chargers. CEH is up in the air …

As usual, my three receivers are locked in, so I won’t be throwing any running backs into my flex spot just yet. Ty’Son Williams is still in too much of a timeshare to trust at this point.

I’m reasonably happy with Justin Tucker against the Chiefs, though that could be uncomfortable if the Chiefs start racking up the touchdowns. I still don’t know enough about Noah Fant or the Jaguars to know if I’m happy with that matchup, but my gut tells me it should go well for me. I’d like to think the Rams could do just as well against the Colts as the Seahawks did, if not better; here’s hoping Aaron Donald can make Carson Wentz’s life miserable!

The lineup Hahmez Wah is throwing out there looks quite formidable!

  • Jalen Hurts (QB) vs. SF
  • Matthew Stafford (QB) @ IND
  • Stefon Diggs (WR) @ MIA
  • Diontae Johnson (WR) vs. LV
  • Chris Carson (RB) vs. TEN
  • D’Andre Swift (RB) @ GB
  • Robert Tonyan (TE) vs. DET
  • Tyler Lockett (WR) vs. TEN
  • Rodrigo Blankenship (K) vs. LAR
  • Buffalo (DEF) @ MIA

Hurts looks like a Top 5 fantasy quarterback, and if the 49ers’ defense is as bad as they were in the second half against Detroit, that could be a 40-point game in the making. Stafford, of course, I’m super-high on, and Indy’s defense is beatable, as we just saw with Russell Wilson. Diggs is a Top 5 wide receiver and Buffalo loves to throw the ball, so that’s always scary. Johnson is a little boom-or-busty for the Steelers, but nothing I know about the Raiders’ defense leads me to believe they can stop a top-flight passing attack. Carson was held out of the endzone against the Colts, but I wouldn’t expect that to continue against a truly wretched Titans defense. Swift had a GREAT first week and could very well find himself the beneficiary of lots of checkdowns as the Lions try to come back against the Packers on Monday night. Tonyan is solid, though I imagine Rodgers will look to get all his receivers going this week. Lockett had a terrific first week, so hopefully this time he hangs back and lets Metcalf take the lead. Miami’s offense stinks with Tua, so I fully expect Buffalo to blast them.

All told he’s got some great looking players and matchups this week, so I’m going to need a bundle to keep up. It’s not totally impossible for me to do so, but I get the feeling my team is probably a 160-ish point team at best most weeks. Jimmy G is too much of a burden, and that might make all the difference if he shits the bed. I’m predicting a loss, maybe even a total blowout.

Splinter League Round-Up!

Dude, fuck me, I don’t know what happened. I was projected to be the top scoring team in the league this year, and came out and scored the fewest points in week one. That’s thanks in large part to Aaron Rodgers laying a fucking EGG and getting less than one point. Najee Harris was also disappointing, getting less than 6 points. And Mark Andrews didn’t do me any favors on Monday night either (though, by that point, I was rooting against him in other leagues, so it was okay). I’m chocking this up to a fluke occurrence and we’re On To Cincinnati.

Nobody Wants To Hear About My Fantasy Team 2021: Snoopy & Prickly Pete

Also, check out the Fantasy Football tag for all my past ramblings on the subject.

Last year ended as horribly as can be in my Main League. I made the 6-team playoffs, but then promptly lost in the first round. That means I missed out on the 4-team consolation bracket – which plays for the top 4 draft picks the following season – and was saddled in the 5/6 game, playing for the 5th/6th draft pick. Of course, I lost that game as well, and here I was, heading into this season drafting 6th out of 10 teams, in a standard (non-snake) draft.

Last year, we were up to 4 keepers, having steadily increased that number over the last few years, with the ultimate goal of turning the league into a Dynasty League. Finally, there was enough discontent that the talk at this year’s rules meeting centered on, “We either need to go full dynasty, or blow it all up and eliminate keepers altogether.”

I don’t mind telling you I was lobbying hard to go with the dynasty league. I’ve been spending the last few years suffering mediocre finishes all in the name of trying to find the best keepers possible to carry over (with the primary goal of finding one or two quality quarterbacks to finally cement that position once and for all). I didn’t want all of that work to go to waste. Thankfully, by the thinnest of margins, we were able to vote in the dynasty.

Our set up is like this: we have to keep all of our starting positions. 2 QBs, 2 RBs, 2 WRs, 1 TE, 1 FLEX, 1 K, 1 DEF. Easy peasy. We’ll get to wait until about a week before our fantasy draft next year before declaring who those keepers will be. Then, at the draft, we’ll select our 5 bench spots out of whoever’s left over, plus any incoming rookies.

This all starts NEXT year, meaning that we’re still only carrying over 4 keepers from last season. But, with our draft – that took place last Thursday – it’s officially on. If you’re not going all-in on the dynasty aspect with regards to who you’re drafting, then that means you like your team an awful lot and are pushing to win the championship within the next 1-2 years.

I didn’t love my keepers heading into our draft, because – SPOILER ALERT – I had no quarterbacks among the four. My keepers were:

  1. A.J. Brown (WR)
  2. CeeDee Lamb (WR)
  3. Ezekiel Elliott (RB)
  4. Clyde Edwards-Helaire (RB)

That’s the ranking of how much I liked them, 1 through 4. I was waffling back and forth on CEH until the bitter end, before I read enough pundits who think he’s due to have a bounce-back year in his second season in the league. I can buy it. He doesn’t appear to have a lot of competition at the spot in Kansas City; even though they throw the ball WAY MORE than they run it, he could sneak in for some more touchdowns and still catch a lot of balls.

I had zero interest in keeping Josh Jacobs. He was supposed to be my horse last year, but he underwhelmed, and then the Raiders brought in Kenyan Drake (the bane of every fantasy owner’s existence wherever he plays, because he’s always stealing carries from someone more promising). I had a lot of fringey receivers I was mulling over (Jerry Jeudy, Deebo Samuel, Brandon Aiyuk, D.J. Chark, and Rashard Higgins), but all of those guys are players that could easily be had in any fantasy draft.

As for my two quarterbacks, I had Kirk Cousins (who’s a non-starter for me, since he’s not vaccinated – which means there’s a high likelihood he misses games this year – and he’s just overall mediocre), and Tua Tagovailoa. I made a HUGE to-do about picking him up on waivers last year, thinking his Alabama pedigree might translate to NFL success. But, he just looked too shitty as a rookie last year. More often than not, you can see which rookie quarterbacks are going to be studs, and which ones are going to be Marcus Mariota. Tua looks like he’s going to be a left-handed Mariota.

In the end, my final keeper came down to CEH and Tee Higgins. I was THIS close to keeping Higgins, because I freaking love that dude, and I think in that Bengals offense he’s going to be steadily productive for the next decade. But, the Bengals also went out and drafted another elite receiver really high in this year’s draft, plus they still have Tyler Boyd, who’s solid. There ended up being too many cooks in that kitchen, and I was scared off. I still think Higgins will be the best of those three this year, but going forward, it’s iffy.

Plus, let’s face it, there are tons of solid wide receivers all throughout the league. Keeping three of them seemed like overkill. I would’ve been effectively handing over my FLEX spot to Higgins, and if for whatever reason he struggles, then I’ve wasted one of my keeper spots for a fringe fantasy starter.

***

I had a couple plans heading into the draft with my 6th overall pick. Trevor Lawrence would obviously be off the table (he, indeed, went #1 overall). I assumed Najee Harris would also be off the table (he ended up being taken with the third pick, for reasons I’ll get into in a moment). I ranked my top six players, and my third choice would’ve been Falcons tight end Kyle Pitts (who very well might’ve fallen to me, as he was ultimately taken 7th), followed by Matthew Stafford (who did fall to me, though I ended up trading him – SPOILER ALERT AGAIN), and then the Washington and Indy running backs as 5th and 6th (they ended up going 5th and 4th respectively).

I would’ve been elated to have Matthew Stafford, because I think he’s going to have an awesome year with the Rams. Plus, he’s only 33 years old, which means he could have another 7-10 years ahead of him if things break right!

My general plan was to load up on quarterbacks – taking lots of flyers on rookies, after Stafford – and running backs (to try to load up on depth in case of injuries and BYEs). This was always going to be a quasi-throwaway year for me, in hopes that I’d find the two quarterbacks I’d be rolling with for the next 5-10 years.

That was thrown out the window when Hahmez Wah 360 Allstars (don’t ask) texted the entire league saying his keepers were available for trade (in exchange for players and/or draft picks).

He actually had four pretty good keepers (Derrick Henry, D.K. Metcalf, George Kittle, and Stefon Diggs), but for whatever reason, he was looking to shake things up.

I didn’t want Henry because he’s being run into the ground and probably has 1-2 more years MAX before he begins his slide. I didn’t want Kittle because he could be an injury risk with the way he plays the game and how hard he is on his body. D.K. Metcalf is obviously a huge draw for me, as a Seahawks fan, and I think he’s someone who could be the #1 scoring wide receiver as early as THIS year. Plus he’s young and should be good for another decade. Sign me up!

I made Hahmez Wah 360 Allstars a lowball offer (I think a second rounder, or a fourth rounder plus A.J. Brown); he countered saying he needed my first rounder. I took a bit to think about it, before ultimately concluding that D.K. Metcalf with the 6th pick would be guaranteed to be better than anyone who might fall to me (there would’ve been the potential for higher upside with someone like Pitts, but there’s always a risk with any rookie).

I’m lucky I accepted the offer when I did, because by the next day someone had offered him the #2 overall pick for D.K. I told that guy (with the #2 pick) if Trevor Lawrence somehow – by the grace of God – fell out of the top spot, I’d trade him D.K. for Lawrence (which he agreed to, since he already has Russell Wilson and Justin Herbert as his keepers), but of course that was never going to happen.

Hahmez Wah, in the end, turned his aforementioned keepers into Jalen Hurts (#2 overall) & Chris Carson (he traded his #9 overall for the #2 overall, while also giving away Derrick Henry in the deal), Matthew Stafford (in the Metcalf deal), Tyler Lockett (in the Kittle deal, where he got the first pick in the second round), while still hanging onto Stefon Diggs. I wouldn’t love that for my team – if I were him, I would’ve stuck the keepers I had – but I understand the impulse in making a radical change. Also, it IS a game, after all; it’s supposed to be fun, right? What’s more fun than a crazy slew of trades?

***

So, heading into the second round, I had three receivers and two running backs. It was time to start looking into the quarterback position.

No other QB was taken after the three I already mentioned. Next up on my private dynasty rankings was Justin Fields, so I grabbed him with my second pick. No, he’s not starting right away, but the stories I’ve read about him were phenomenal, and I think he has real breakout potential. Trey Lance was going to be my next choice, but he was taken from me two picks before my spot in the third round, so I settled on Mac Jones. Also hearing great stories about him! Less of a running threat, but in a better team situation than Fields, so I like that.

Then, for good measure – because I needed someone to start right away in week one – I nabbed Jameis Winston. He’s been on and off my fantasy team for years, but he had last year off (for the most part) and has been learning the Saints’ system. If he’s even remotely more careful with the ball, he’s a guy who’s capable of throwing for 5,000 yards and 30+ touchdowns. We also forget: he’s also only 27 years old; so if he does change his entire career around, that could be a steal for me.

As chance would have it, Cousins was around for my fifth pick, but I zagged and went with the Rams’ defense. I feel like they have the potential to be solid for the duration of Aaron Donald’s career, so why not? Then, with my sixth pick, Noah Fant was still available. I had him as a rookie and it sounds like the offense is going to be vastly improved in Denver, so I like the idea of having him for the foreseeable future. Also, the drop-off after Fant was pretty considerable (the next guys taken were Goedert and Tonyan; I’m good with my choice).

Then, I finally had to break down and get a third running back. Obviously, my plan to load up on the position was a failure. It was down to Chase Edmonds or Raheem Mostert in the 7th round. Edmonds went one pick earlier, so Mostert it is! I like Mostert; when he’s healthy, he’s dominant (in many ways, he’s like Chris Carson). He just can’t stay healthy. But, if I can squeeze a few weeks out of him, I’ll look to hopefully address the running back position next year.

In the 8th round, I nabbed Justin Tucker. He’s only 31 years old and he’s the best kicker in football. He could be around for another 10-15 years if he takes care of himself. After that, I went back to the quarterback well, grabbing Jimmy G. Obviously, the 49ers drafted their quarterback of the future. But, if you look at the 49ers’ schedule, it’s pretty damn easy the first few weeks of the season. I’ll mix and match with him and Mac Jones for a while until Jimmy G ultimately gets benched, and hope he has enough pride to force the 49ers’ hand in benching a guy playing well. At the very least, he has a soft landing against the Lions in week one, where I expect him to be a Top 10 fantasy quarterback (for just that one week, anyway). Yes, I know there’s potential for Lance to snipe some snaps from him, but I don’t care. As long as he’s not getting entire chunks of plays in the red zone, I’ll be happy.

With my next-to-last pick, I took a chance on Buffalo’s Zack Moss. He was a rookie last year and the team obviously liked him enough to draft him in the third round. Maybe this is the year he assumes the starter job! Of course, even then, it’s not like Buffalo runs the ball all that much. I’m hoping they get such huge leads early in games, that they’ll be running the ball exclusively in the fourth quarter.

Finally, for my super sleeper, I picked Jordan Love, backup quarterback of the Green Bay Packers. I’m going to do my damnedest to hang onto him all year. The way I see it, if none of my rookie QBs pan out this year, and are not keeper-worthy in my eyes, I’ll just keep Love and roll the dice. They obviously drafted him to be Aaron Rodgers’ replacement sooner or later. If I have no one better, why not keep him and see if he’s elite?

***

There’s obviously a lot wrong with my team at this point in my dynasty. The quarterback situation is a mess and my running back depth is nil. But, I have just the three receivers: D.K., Brown, and Lamb, and I think all three of those guys are Top 10 calibre players at the position. I’m set! In non-BYE weeks (and, in non-injury situations), I have my two WR spots and my FLEX spot all locked down. Not having any receivers on my bench affords me the luxury of carrying extra RBs and QBs. If I’m ever able to lock down the quarterback spot to my satisfaction, that leaves me more room on my bench for even more RBs, as well as potential backups to tight end or defense (which always comes in handy).

I think I’m done making RBs a priority. Unless some super-stud rookie falls to me in the first round of the draft next year, I’m just going to do my best to either stream running backs or carry enough in those second-to-fourth tiers to play matchups and hope I get around 10 points from each. If my QBs and receivers can carry me, I think that’s a championship formula. Running backs are just too damn fickle and too injury prone; it’s impossible to rely on them to be 20+ point workhorses anymore. I’d rather go for elite receivers, hope they blow up a few times a year, and just get steady-if-unspectacular production from my RBs. Plus, if I’m able to find someone on the free agent scrap heap that comes from nowhere to crush it, all the better.

***

Now, it’s time to talk about this week. My team is Snoopy & Prickly Pete (Seinfeld reference, for the second straight year!). I’m going up against the reigning league champion, Car Talk With Josh Allen (guess who one of his quarterbacks is). He’s projected to finish third in our league (one game ahead of me), and – not for nothing – he’s projected to beat me in week 1.

Here’s my week 1 lineup, barring any unexpected last-minute COVID issues:

  • Jameis Winston (QB) vs. GB
  • Jimmy Garoppolo (QB) @ DET
  • CeeDee Lamb (WR) @ TB
  • A.J. Brown (WR) vs. AZ
  • Ezekiel Elliott (RB) @ TB
  • Clyde Edwards-Helaire (RB) vs. CLE
  • Noah Fant (TE) @ NYG
  • D.K. Metcalf (WR) @ IND
  • Justin Tucker (K) @ LV
  • L.A. Rams (DEF) vs. CHI

As I said, I love Jimmy G against a nothing Detroit defense; Mac Jones is my only other option and I’d rather not start a rookie in his first game, against a defense as good as Miami’s. As I also said, all my receivers are locked in, which means the only other choice was my #2 running back (though, I don’t love Zeke against that Bucs defense, with their All Pro guard out for this game). I briefly considered Mostert against Detroit, but I’d really like to see what the 49ers’ offense looks like, with their two quarterbacks, plus their new rookie running back angling to steal snaps. I’m rolling with all my keepers, at least for now!

Car Talk looks like he’s got the following:

  • Josh Allen (QB) vs. PIT
  • Ryan Fitzpatrick (QB) vs. LAC
  • Allen Robinson (WR) @ LAR
  • Julio Jones (WR) vs. AZ
  • Aaron Jones (RB) @ NO
  • Joe Mixon (RB) vs. MIN
  • Travis Kelce (TE) vs. CLE
  • Robert Woods (WR) vs. CHI
  • Tyler Bass (K) vs. PIT
  • Baltimore (DEF) @ LV

Our teams are pretty much even (he’s a little better at QB, I’m a little better at WR) except for the difference in our projected points from the tight end position. Kelce is the best in football; mine is just okay. That’s always a huge advantage and I hope I’m able to one day have something similar on my team. In the meantime, I’ll just have to hope the Chiefs run the ball more and throw their TDs to their wide receivers. That’s a tall ask.

I’m guessing I’ll lose this game. I’ll be down in the dumps on Sunday, but a dynasty league isn’t about just one week, or even one season. This is a transitional year, and I hope to be better at the end than I am at the beginning.

In the meantime, PATIENCE! I need to practice extreme patience, and accept losing for what it is: a temporary means to an end, that will one day result in my name on that championship trophy. Maybe not this year, but one year soon. Let’s fucking go.

Nobody Wants To Hear About My Fantasy Team 2020: Tua No Avail

  • Pre-Season Week 1 HERE – Here We Fucking Go Again
  • Pre-Season Week 2 HERE – Corona-Draft Prep
  • Fantasy Draft HERE – Nobody Beats The Wiz!
  • Week 1 HERE – Crisis Averted!
  • Week 2 HERE – Everything That Could Go Wrong
  • Week 3 HERE – Some Nobody Did, In Fact, Beat The Wiz!
  • Week 4 HERE – Literally Everyone Beats The Fucking Wiz
  • Week 5 HERE – Signs Of Life!
  • Week 6 HERE – And Tua All A Good Night
  • Week 7 HERE – Tua Be Or Not Tua Be, That Is The Question
  • Week 8 HERE – Tua Thine Own Self Be True
  • Week 9 HERE – Tua The Window, Tua The Wall!!!
  • Week 10 HERE – Tua Infinity & Beyond!
  • Week 11 HERE – Tua Err Is Human
  • Week 12 HERE – Although We’ve Come Tua The End Of The Road

Well, I lucked out winning the previous four weeks, because if I’d bungled any one of them I’d be relegated to the Consolation Bracket. Instead, with my 7-6 record, I managed to sneak into the playoffs as the sixth and final seed. I really had no shot against Sausage Shaped Pest, who annihilated me 193 to 136.45.

He got almost 40 out of Derek Carr and 45 points from Carr’s tight end Darren Waller, with another 27.3 from Justin Jefferson (remember when I had him on my team oh-so-briefly, earlier this season?); those three guys alone practically did enough to beat me! As for my team, I’m still getting great effort out of Kirk Cousins (28.45), and my kicker finally had a huge game (17). But, my sweet, simple Tua only got me 21.1, and I took a full-on goose-egg from CEH (who I had to throw into my second running back spot, because Josh Jacobs was injured).

In Nobody Beats The Wiz Bench News, Carson Wentz has finally been replaced at quarterback by the Philadelphia Eagles, in favor of Jalen Hurts. So, he’s now useless to me. I’m down to Cousins and Tua, but I probably have to hang onto Ryan Fitzpatrick just in case Tua has to sit again. What a nightmare! Wentz has SO MUCH guaranteed money left on his contract; I don’t know what the Eagles are going to do.

So, here’s how the playoff seeding works: the top two teams (Sloane N Steady and The Lance Petemans) get a BYE this upcoming week. Then, the 3-seed plays the 6-seed, while the 4-seed plays the 5-seed. The top two teams ended up with 9-4 records; third place is 8-5, and the rest are 7-6 (including me, who has the fewest points scored among all the playoff teams).

Everyone in the “Wild Card” round was trying to scramble to not play Space Forcin’. Somehow, through my sheer incompetence, I managed to do just that! As the 6-seed, I play Colinoscopy Time, while Crazy N8’s Prostates (who leapfrogged me this past week) has the ill-fortune to get Space Forcin’. The winner of my game plays 2-seed The Lance Petemans; the winner of the other game goes up against 1-seed Sloane N Steady.

Last week I promised you a rundown of all my season finishes dating back to 2003, when we started running a Yahoo! league. I’ll list them out really quickly here, noting for the record that 2010 was the first year we had the trophy (as you’ll see, my only championships were in years BEFORE the trophy, which has been a constant source of misery for me):

  • 2019 – Space Pirates!: 8th Place
  • 2018 – King Flippy Nips: 4th Place
  • 2017 – Mr. Poopy Butthole: 4th Place
  • 2016 – Shittin’ Clits: 8th Place
  • 2015 – Catalina Wine Mixer: 6th Place
  • 2014 – Honky Hoedown: 4th Place
  • 2013 – Wanna Kiss Dicks?: 5th Place
  • 2012 – Leaky Submarine: 10th Place
  • 2011 – The Jake Sucks: 7th Place
  • 2010 – Macho Headgames: 2nd Place
  • 2009 – Hot Beef Injection: 1st Place
  • 2008 – The Vers Stopper: 3rd Place
  • 2007 – Washington: 6th Place
  • 2006 – Goodnight Honeytits: 8th Place
  • 2005 – Titty-Fuck Jake’sMom: 7th Place
  • 2004 – Ray Finkle: 1st Place
  • 2003 – Must Win Out: 5th Place

A few notes: for starters, there’s a 20-character limit on team names, so keep that in mind when you see some creative spellings/line spacings. Also, after the first few years, the league had to institute a rule – due to my shenanigans – where the name you choose at the beginning of the year is the name you’re stuck with; I would often change my team’s name from week-to-week depending on if I was losing or not. I’ll never top Hot Beef Injection as a team OR a team name (though, I have a fondness for Wanna Kiss Dicks?, as I feel that made everyone REALLY uncomfortable to ever have to say or read on their screens).

I should also point out that 2014 was the first year we expanded the playoffs from four to six teams (a rule that I recommended at the start of the year, I might add, thanks to Wanna Kiss Dicks?’ heartbreaking finish on the outside-looking-in). Honky Hoedown went into the playoffs as the #1 seed; we were a JUGGERNAUT! The sixth place team, on the other hand, barely limped into the playoffs, yet he got hot at the right time and won three games in a row. Had the playoffs been limited to just the four teams (oh yes, I went back and did the math), my name would’ve been on that trophy for that season. Instead, it continues to be my white whale …

All right, so let’s get into the playoff week. Unless Colinoscopy Time totally falls on his face, breaks his nose, and simultaneously shits his pants while suffering a brain aneurysm, I’m going to lose this week. Losing this week means I’ll be playing for 5th place next week (and, as such, the right to draft 5th overall in next year’s draft; the highest I can possibly draft since I made the playoffs). It’s actually a curse to be the worst team to make the playoffs, so I don’t know why the fantasy football gods decided to put this on me. I mean, obviously they hate me! That much is clear. But why? And what can I do to atone for my sins?

Anyway, here’s my shitty roster with my even-shittier matchups:

  • Kirk Cousins (QB) @ TB
  • Tua Tagovailoa (QB) vs. KC
  • A.J. Brown (WR) @ JAX
  • DeVante Parker (WR) vs. KC
  • Ezekiel Elliott (RB) @ CIN
  • Josh Jacobs (RB) vs. IND
  • Dallas Goedert (TE) vs. NO
  • Deebo Samuel (WR) vs. WAS
  • Harrison Butker (K) @ MIA
  • L.A. Rams (DEF) vs. NE

And here’s the list of guys who are going to murder me:

  • Deshaun Watson (QB) @ CHI
  • Ben Roethlisberger (QB) @ BUF
  • D.K. Metcalf (WR) vs. NYJ
  • Stefon Diggs (WR) vs. PIT
  • Derrick Henry (RB) @ JAX
  • Ronald Jones (RB) vs. MIN
  • Robert Tonyan (TE) @ DET
  • Jamison Crowder (WR) @ SEA
  • Zane Gonzalez (K) @ NYG
  • Tennessee (DEF) @ JAX

He’s also got James White and D’Andre Swift at running back, Marquise Brown as an alternative at his FLEX spot, and Cam Newton at quarterback if he wanted to get cute with his matchups (going against my defense). I don’t know if I love a lot of his matchups either, but his players are SO MUCH better. Derrick Henry alone will surely score 30+, and don’t even get me started on D.K. Metcalf!

Well, it’s been an improbable run so far, but we finally made it. The playoffs are everything you imagine them to be. It’s exciting, because you never know who will get hot at the right time. It’s also a huge source of dread, because I know it won’t be me.

I guess there’s always my other league, where I’ve been on a 3-game losing streak, yet somehow still hold onto the #2 spot in the standings. I’ll still make it into the playoffs, but it doesn’t feel good to limp in, I’ll tell you that much!

Nobody Wants To Hear About My Fantasy Team 2020: Tua Infinity & Beyond!

I mean, this is getting pretty silly. If I were anyone else in the league, I’d be FURIOUS right now at the undeserved success of Nobody Beats The Wiz. My 141.91 to 126.20 victory over Crazy N8’s Prostates takes me to 5-5 on the season, which is currently good for sixth place in the standings (the sixth and final playoff spot, if the season ended today). This is in spite of the fact that I have the third-fewest total points scored (1,495.74), and two people on the outside looking in have outscored me. Every other player in the playoffs with me have AT LEAST 85 more points. Crazy N8’s Prostates, for example, is a team I’ve somehow managed to defeat twice this season; he has 255 more points than me! It’s utter lunacy.

How did I win? Well, Crazy N8’s Prostates underscored his projections by over 45 points. Done and done. Drew Brees was injured before he could get to 10 points. After Josh Allen’s 30.2 points, his next-highest scorer was Kareem Hunt with 16.2. Four of his players scored in single-digits.

Meanwhile, it was more or less a team effort on Nobody Beats The Wiz’s part. Josh Jacobs blew up with almost 30 points. Brandon Aiyuk had almost 20. Tua didn’t have the best game, but just got over 20 points in a solid effort. Only two of my guys scored in single digits; everyone else was in the 10-14 range.

Which includes Carson Wentz at 10.8. This is two games in a row (with a BYE week in the middle) where he has COMBINED for less than 20 points, against really inferior competition. Kirk Cousins, meanwhile, had a vastly superior defense to go up against and scored over 22 points for my bench. My friend asked me over the weekend who my four keepers would be for next year, if I had to choose now (which, thankfully, I do not). He asked if Wentz would be one of them, and right now I have to say no! He’s not even close! I’ll be watching all of my receivers for that fourth and final keeper spot (for now, it’s Tua, Ezekiel Elliott, and Josh Jacobs as the top three, with A.J. Brown holding down the 4-spot). I might take Wentz as a flier for my third quarterback job next year, but I can safely say I’ll be in the market for a new second QB.

In Last Week Roster Move News, I picked up Dolphins kicker Jason Sanders before my game, dropping Noah Fant (who was picked up by Sloane N Steady, who started him and got all of 4.8 points for his efforts). Dallas Goedert didn’t do a whole helluva lot better for me, with 7.3, but I blame Wentz for ALL of that.

In Waiver Wire News, I got up to the #3 priority heading into this week. So, I decided to use that to my advantage. Jameis Winston figures to be getting starter’s snaps in Drew Brees’ absence the next few weeks, so I decided to put in a claim for him. Why not? If he can help me in the short term, maybe that’ll be enough to help me crack the playoffs. Since Jameis is only a temporary rental, I don’t think I had a lot of competition for his services, but I bet Crazy N8 sure is annoyed! Considering he just traded for Brees a few weeks back and for the simple fact that he’s an easy guy to annoy in general; maybe NEXT time he’ll take my trade offer more seriously!

Did I also grab Jameis out of spite and am now needlessly hogging four viable quarterbacks for no good reason? WHO’S TO SAY?!

My opponent this week is Colinoscopy Time. He is 7-3, in second place in the league, and has scored the fourth-most points (91 more points than me on the season). As probably the guy least-invested in fantasy football – and anything Internet/technology-related in general – it’s infuriating that he not only won the trophy last year, but is continuing to rampage through our league in spite of all that is good and decent in the world, but, you know, that’s how it works sometimes. Here are the guys I’ll be playing, in hopes of slowing down the juggernaut:

  • Tua Tagovailoa (QB) @ DEN
  • Jameis Winston (QB) vs. ATL
  • A.J. Brown (WR) @ BAL
  • Jerry Jeudy (WR) vs. MIA
  • Josh Jacobs (RB) vs. KC
  • Ezekiel Elliott (RB) @ MIN
  • Dallas Goedert (TE) @ CLE
  • Clyde Edwards-Helaire (RB) @ LV
  • Harrison Butker (K) @ LV
  • Indianapolis (DEF) vs. GB

These are some underwhelming matchups. My favorite one is probably Jameis, but I’m not even 100% confident that he’ll actually be the starter! The Saints could always throw Taysom Hill in there if they really wanted to fuck with me. Even if Jameis does start, he will have had exactly one week of practice to prepare; plus he’s notorious for turning the ball over millions of times. Could be dicey. Otherwise, I’m hoping Zeke comes back looking fresh and sharp against the Vikings, but I won’t be holding my breath.

I’ll say this about my quarterbacks, if I were at all impartial, I’d be starting Kirk Cousins (vs. DAL) over Tua, because the Cowboys’ defense is ALMOST as bad as it gets (thank you, Seahawks). My only reservation is really to preserve my sanity. If Tua stinks, whatever, it’s kind of to be expected; he’s making the third start of his career, it’s on the road, a mile above sea level, and Denver’s defense is a little underrated. BUT, if Kirk Cousins stinks, and I start him over Tua, I’m going to be FURIOUS with myself for backing the underwhelming, low-ceiling play over the exciting should-be centerpiece of my team for the next decade. I learned this lesson last year; every time I sat Danny Dimes in a matchup I thought was tough, he ended up scoring 40 points for my bench. I’m not going through that again! Also, not for nothing, but I could see the Vikings running the ball 40 times, with Dalvin Cook scoring another 30 fantasy points.

The 49ers being on BYE this week hurts me and my opponent equally. I catch an extra little break by dodging Stefon Diggs. But, as you’ll see below, he has MORE than enough talent to mop the floor with me:

  • Deshaun Watson (QB) vs. NE
  • Ben Roethlisberger (QB) @ JAX
  • D.K. Metcalf (WR) vs. ARI
  • Jakeem Grant (WR) @ DEN
  • Derrick Henry (RB) @ BAL
  • D’Andre Swift (RB) @ CAR
  • Robert Tonyan (TE) @ IND
  • Jakobi Meyers (WR) @ HOU
  • Zane Gonzalez (K) @ SEA
  • Minnesota (DEF) vs. DAL

Great quarterbacks, elite running backs (Swift is getting better every week, it seems), Metcalf is sure to have a HUGE bounce-back game after being largely ignored last week, Meyers looks like the only viable offensive weapon for the Pats. There’s just a lot to like about this squad.

How many times can I keep lucking out by my opponents under-performing? Yet, it’s my only play; it’s the only way I can seemingly win games! So, hopefully, it continues to happen the rest of the year, because I need all the help I can get.

There Will Always Be A Reason To Not Vote For Russell Wilson For MVP

Russell Wilson has famously never received an MVP vote, even though he’s been one of the best in the game since his rookie season in 2012. There’s always been a reason for that. There are two ways to take that sort of sentiment: there’s the magnanimous side of there simply being a lot of other, worthy candidates, and not everyone gets a trophy in the real world. And, there’s the bitter Seahawks fan in me, who can’t help but see it as my guy getting slighted.

Et tu, Trey Wingo?! I actually think he’s one of the more reasonable ESPN personalities, but in this week’s Slow News Day, he was all over Aaron Rodgers as MVP. Magnanimous Steven can hear that and say, “Sure, he’s having a fantastic season! Over 1,200 yards in four games, with 13 touchdowns and 0 interceptions; what’s not to love?” But, all Bitter Steven hears is Trey’s rationale: look at Rodgers’ weapons and compare them to Wilson’s.

Okay. First of all, we’re not ACTUALLY going to get bent out of shape about the MVP race five weeks into the season. So, let’s all take a deep breath and relax. I COULD tell you that – while Rodgers’ numbers are great – his numbers aren’t quite up to Wilson’s over 1,500 yards and 19 touchdowns in five games. If we’re talking weapons, yeah, D.K. Metcalf looks like a monster, and we’ve been singing Tyler Lockett’s praises since he joined the league. But, Rodgers still has Aaron Jones, one of the best dual-threat running backs in all of football (third in rushing yards per game), with a combined 6 touchdowns rushing and receiving. And, Davante Adams has only missed a couple games due to injury. On top of which, let’s face it, the Packers haven’t had to play very many elite teams. On top of the Vikings and Falcons (who we also beat), they’ve gone up against a one-win Lions team and a Saints team that looks like it’s on its last legs with Drew Brees. Also, just because you don’t know who some of these Packers are at tight end and behind Adams in the receivers room, doesn’t mean they’re not just as good as some of these other Seahawks; that Robert Tonyan (with five TDs so far) could be the next Greg Olsen for all we know!

The point isn’t the weapons, the point is the EXCUSE. The title of the post says there will always be a reason to not vote for Russell Wilson for MVP, but actually I should’ve put “excuse”, because that’s what we’re talking about. Everyone seemingly ALWAYS has a reason to poo-poo what Wilson is doing. Early in his career, he wasn’t an MVP because we had Marshawn Lynch, and that #1 defense, and a conservative play-calling scheme. Forget about Wilson’s efficiency – doing more with fewer attempts – or his touchdown numbers; it was always about the team around him. Then, as Lynch left, and the defense crumbled, this team clearly became all about Russell Wilson; he was dragging this roster bereft of talent into the playoffs kicking and screaming (he’s STILL never had a losing record, in spite of some REALLY lean rosters that would’ve been contending for a top draft pick had Wilson not been around). If you think about Most Valuable Player, you think about the guy who adds the most value to his team (obviously, this being football, there is that pesky “team” aspect that constantly skews things). Take Russell Wilson off of any of these Seahawks teams from 2016 to 2020, and you’re looking at one of the very worst teams in all of football. Can you imagine what Nick Foles or Ryan Fitzpatrick (the dictionary definition of Replacement Level Quarterbacks) would’ve done with these guys?

But, no one who votes actually sees the game in these hypotheticals. The MVP almost always goes to the best quarterback on the best team, period. If you take Lamar Jackson off of that Ravens team last year and put a replacement level guy in there, they probably still win 9-10 games, because the rest of the roster was so good. But, Jackson won the MVP because the Ravens went 14-2 and he was a hot, new story.

Story plays into it too. Is it a guy who’s never won it before? Well that’s interesting! (hence why momentum for Wilson is so high this year) Is it a guy doing something extra-special? (Patrick Mahomes as a 23-year old throwing for 50 touchdowns in his first full season as a starter explains what happened in 2018)

In a sense, blaming Wilson for the weapons around him is idiotic, because you NEED the team to win a lot of games, and you need SOMEONE to catch all those balls! But, it cuts both ways, because you watch the Seahawks and you have to see how bad this defense has been.

Remember a year ago, when the Seahawks played in 14 games decided by one score (including playoffs) and went 11-3 in those games? Remember how unsustainable that was, and how likely it was that the 2020 Seahawks would come crashing down to Earth? Already, four of our five games have been decided by one score, and we’re 4-0 in those games (including that near-miraculous come-from-behind performance against the Vikings last week). This is no longer a fluke. This is Russell Wilson. He is your MVP for 2020. You can make all the arguments you want – because otherwise, what else are you going to talk about on the various football chat shows; we all have content to produce – but in the end, when the Seahawks have the best record in football, and Russell Wilson has the best stats of all the quarterbacks, you’re going to have to make him unanimous.

And yet, even if all of that comes to pass, I bet there are still a few a-holes out there who will throw a bone to the Aaron Rodgers’ of the league. Because they just can’t live in a world where a 5’11 quarterback is the best player alive.